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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think all kids should be included?

333 replies

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 11:13

Should all kids be included by step grandparents? Would you expect it if buying for one they buy for all on occasions like Xmas , Easter etc ? Is it ok to only buy for some of the kids and leave the others out because your not blood related even if you have been together many years?
Big row over this after it constantly happening been made to feel I am in the wrong.

OP posts:
Change2banon · 12/04/2023 12:22

Everyone has different opinions, and everyone does things differently. My inlaws kept all my dc the same, even though 1 of them was their step grandchild, they were never treated any differently, which was absolutely lovely. However, those lovely same inlaws treated our set of children very differently to their other set of grandchildren when they came along… the difference between the grandchildren born to their daughter were treated very differently to those born to their son. 😡

Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 12:23

OssieShowman · 12/04/2023 12:14

I had 2 step grandchildren, until recent breakup.
so, I had 8 grandchildren. And I treated them all the same. Spent same amounts or equivalent in cash for these 2 as they were older.
just last week a bag of new clothing from the 2 was returned to our family.
obviously not good enough. We watched these boys grow up from small children to late teenagers.

So does my friend she has lots of step grandkids and buys for all I asked her advice on this and she was shocked too.

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 12/04/2023 12:23

The issue of them previously buying for them and now stopping is different scenario. It smacks of them punishing the children as they have an issue with you.
It sounds like you are rethinking your whole relationship.
If you split from Boyfriend then presumably his parents wouldn’t see or give gifts to your two eldest.

Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 12:24

Dixiechickonhols · 12/04/2023 12:23

The issue of them previously buying for them and now stopping is different scenario. It smacks of them punishing the children as they have an issue with you.
It sounds like you are rethinking your whole relationship.
If you split from Boyfriend then presumably his parents wouldn’t see or give gifts to your two eldest.

No but we wouldn’t be together for that to be an issue but we are together we’re meant to be a family unit.

OP posts:
ACynicalDad · 12/04/2023 12:25

Whilst it would be kind for them to give something I'd offer to buy something for them to give the child if they didn't.

Change2banon · 12/04/2023 12:25

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 12:20

Thankyou this is how I feel too I’m so unsure of whether getting married is worth it now.

Show quote history

I would be seriously thinking it now too 😔
Your children are your life … this will only get bigger and fester more. You will likely feel more and more hurt, anger, resentment as time goes on. I speak from experience. You really need to sort things 100% with your partner.

FishChipsMushyPeas · 12/04/2023 12:25

While I agree that GPs dont need to accept step children as they would their biological children, I think that previously buying for them and then cutting them out is vile to be honest.

I take it your DP doesnt generally stand up to his parents?

Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 12:25

ACynicalDad · 12/04/2023 12:25

Whilst it would be kind for them to give something I'd offer to buy something for them to give the child if they didn't.

I did ask OH why he did not offer to go the shops and get for the boys if she couldn’t afford it to save face but no he brings it in for all the kids to see and only things for the blood related kids was there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 12:27

FishChipsMushyPeas · 12/04/2023 12:25

While I agree that GPs dont need to accept step children as they would their biological children, I think that previously buying for them and then cutting them out is vile to be honest.

I take it your DP doesnt generally stand up to his parents?

No and the one and only time he did they didn’t speak for months. He knows it’s wrong deep down how they treat us.

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 12/04/2023 12:27

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 12:24

No but we wouldn’t be together for that to be an issue but we are together we’re meant to be a family unit.

Show quote history

They obviously aren’t seeing you as a family unit anymore.
You need to speak to your boyfriend. It sounds like he’s opting for east route if seeing them with his children and excluding you and your dc but that’s no way to carry on if you are a family and we’re getting married.

FishChipsMushyPeas · 12/04/2023 12:28

So it sounds like he is worried about upsetting them? If they refused to speak to him for months they are happy to punish all the children in order to make a point. They sound pathetic.

Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 12:28

Change2banon · 12/04/2023 12:25

I would be seriously thinking it now too 😔
Your children are your life … this will only get bigger and fester more. You will likely feel more and more hurt, anger, resentment as time goes on. I speak from experience. You really need to sort things 100% with your partner.

Show quote history

We are barely speaking because he said I went over the top and bad mouthed his family. Which I did I said their arseholes how their treating us and you stand back. It is so hard.

OP posts:
Tuters · 12/04/2023 12:28

Might be slightly different as all my GC are just that, but I was awarded parental of SS from a very young age so he is my son.
DH's family were a little like this so I stopped buying for them and their families, I don't do this theirs and mine shit.

Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 12:29

Dixiechickonhols · 12/04/2023 12:27

They obviously aren’t seeing you as a family unit anymore.
You need to speak to your boyfriend. It sounds like he’s opting for east route if seeing them with his children and excluding you and your dc but that’s no way to carry on if you are a family and we’re getting married.

Show quote history

Exactly this how can they even be at our wedding and I have to be nice to them now. I’ve always gone oht my way been nice sent flowers on her birthday and things. I’m so depressed by this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 12:31

Tuters · 12/04/2023 12:28

Might be slightly different as all my GC are just that, but I was awarded parental of SS from a very young age so he is my son.
DH's family were a little like this so I stopped buying for them and their families, I don't do this theirs and mine shit.

I’ve always included my stepkids and so has my family we’ve all been away together many times. I know I could speak to my parents if I felt they were excluding the stepkids and they would take it on board but he can’t speak to his family like I can to mine clearly. Surely you come as one this whole situation I’m in is now to weird their either in all our lives or non at all.

OP posts:
NewNovember · 12/04/2023 12:31

postapesto · 12/04/2023 11:36

Depends. People insist on fairness but if you have 2 lots of grandparents giving you gifts but insist the step grandparents have to as as well (could be two more lots, so 8 grandparents), how is that fair to the other kids who have 2 lots total (4 grandparents)

In practice, treating step kids the same often means treating them better. They must be included in every holiday, so get twice as many, they get presents frokm both sides at Xmas, so twice as many, two bedrooms, two sets of day trips...etc etc.

Just another perspective.

You think two bedrooms is a bonus???

DrPrunesquallor · 12/04/2023 12:33

Perhaps the problem here is that your child’s blood family give nothing at all.
If they did then your child would be getting the same as OH children..ie all GPS would be giving presents to their own blood relatives.
I don’t personally agree with this set up, we have step nieces and have always treated them the same as did my parents
but it’s not necessarily how all families work and not entirely OHs families fault that your OH is missing out on gifts.

If OHs family aren’t going to change their ways then why not buy a small present yourself and give it to your dc as an extra. We used to do this when my MIL couldn’t be bothered to buy for ours.

In the long run however I’d be asking is this the sort of family you want to marry into.

Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 12:36

DrPrunesquallor · 12/04/2023 12:33

Perhaps the problem here is that your child’s blood family give nothing at all.
If they did then your child would be getting the same as OH children..ie all GPS would be giving presents to their own blood relatives.
I don’t personally agree with this set up, we have step nieces and have always treated them the same as did my parents
but it’s not necessarily how all families work and not entirely OHs families fault that your OH is missing out on gifts.

If OHs family aren’t going to change their ways then why not buy a small present yourself and give it to your dc as an extra. We used to do this when my MIL couldn’t be bothered to buy for ours.

In the long run however I’d be asking is this the sort of family you want to marry into.

Their nan lives abroad on the paternal side. It isn’t about the material gift side it’s the fact they included the kids then stopped due to the family argument. So to me it’s a clear msg they don’t like me and don’t accept the children as they stopped gifting to spite and to cause issues between me and OH which he’s letting them do by not speaking up.

OP posts:
GiltEdges · 12/04/2023 12:36

Sounds like when OH made up with his family he's probably blamed the initial fall out on you. Hence why they've now taken against you, despite you doing nothing wrong. Would also explain why he won't address it with them, but insists you "rise above it".

Allthegoodusernamesareused · 12/04/2023 12:37

My own DD'S experience has been that my DH's Mum treats her exactly the same as all her other grandchildren. Her father's partners parents will buy her a small gift at Christmas, not to the same value as their other grandchild but they don't leave her out. I don't expect them to do anything at all, but I think it's lovely that they do.

SomethingNastyInTheBallPool · 12/04/2023 12:39

I couldn’t bring myself to turn up somewhere with a bag of presents for some of the kids but nothing others, especially if all the kids were there to see it. It would feel really mean.

grandmaintraining · 12/04/2023 12:40

All he has to do is decline the gifts for his children.

Climbles · 12/04/2023 12:42

In all the blended families I know the grandparents who see all the kids buy for all of them. Who could be so cruel as to get presents for some kids and not others. Even if it’s a token chocolate bar or a tenner in a card.

popandchoc · 12/04/2023 12:42

My children have step grandparents and they always get them presents alongside their blood grandchildren . They especially shouldn't be leaving them out if a sibling is getting gifts,

Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 12:43

GiltEdges · 12/04/2023 12:36

Sounds like when OH made up with his family he's probably blamed the initial fall out on you. Hence why they've now taken against you, despite you doing nothing wrong. Would also explain why he won't address it with them, but insists you "rise above it".

Yes he prob didn’t want to look the bad one but what they did in the first place to start the argument off originally was a really nasty thing they did which was all on them. How I’m now suddenly to blame for all of this I have no clue I’m just drained with it all. I don’t know if I want to partake in this relationship anymore but then I’m potentially setting up my other two kids for an estranged parent and I don’t want that either.

OP posts: