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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think all kids should be included?

333 replies

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 11:13

Should all kids be included by step grandparents? Would you expect it if buying for one they buy for all on occasions like Xmas , Easter etc ? Is it ok to only buy for some of the kids and leave the others out because your not blood related even if you have been together many years?
Big row over this after it constantly happening been made to feel I am in the wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 11:59

Yerroblemom1923 · 12/04/2023 11:58

It's hard to force relationships. These people aren't your children's grandparents and think it's a bit much when families decide to come together to push kids on them that they don't know but suddenly they're expected to love and treat like their own. Step parents struggle with this and grandparents are one more removed.

I understand this but in my real life I’ve never known it or experienced it.

OP posts:
Mumwomansisterdaughter · 12/04/2023 12:00

My parents give the same was to step children since me and my partner get together. They normally give ye kids £100 and gave £100 to the step kids too . If they did not then I could not force them but I certainly would not allow them to gift it on the occasion , they could give their gifts in private . And yes I would be upset if they just didn’t gift to them .

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 12/04/2023 12:01

Punishing your children for a row they had with your OH is massively out of order.

I have to say though, at the risk of being a MN cliche you have a DP problem.

He’s allowed you and the two children to become the scapegoats for this argument. Which is a considerably bigger issue than the GPs.

It sounds like you got the blame for it and he’s allowed that to happen…

Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 12:02

Mumwomansisterdaughter · 12/04/2023 12:00

My parents give the same was to step children since me and my partner get together. They normally give ye kids £100 and gave £100 to the step kids too . If they did not then I could not force them but I certainly would not allow them to gift it on the occasion , they could give their gifts in private . And yes I would be upset if they just didn’t gift to them .

I don’t expect the same times are hard but maybe just something. I don’t know if I’m being a dram queen being upset over this that they have stopped gifting the kids or whether I just need to forget it.

OP posts:
2bazookas · 12/04/2023 12:03

It would be very nice if all parents loved all their children and treated them fairly and well. It would be lovely if all broken couples would remain friends, welcome their ex's new partners/spouses, love the stepchildren as much as their own flesh and blood. Regardless of how challenging and bratty those disrupted resentful kids and hormonal teenagers are.

That's only going to become the rule in cloud cuckoo land, so why hold stepgrandparents to some higher standard?

UsernamePain · 12/04/2023 12:03

Ultimately though they have made their decision and there is not a great deal you can do about it. His biological father and grandparents have much more responsibility to buy gifts for him, it’s not up to your partners parents to pick up the slack for them.

SleepingStandingUp · 12/04/2023 12:05

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 11:35

Thankyou the fact they used to get for them then suddenly stopped because of the argument it hurts they ignore us on bdays and Xmas and other events now. OH wants me to rise above this.

Show quote history

You really need to get to the bottom of what this fall out was about. He's saying rise above it, and I would in that I wouldn't make a scene or demand they buy my kids, but I also would leave anything to do with those GP to Dad and wouldn't be facilitating a relationship with people acting like they wish me and my kids don't exist

Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 12:06

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 12/04/2023 12:01

Punishing your children for a row they had with your OH is massively out of order.

I have to say though, at the risk of being a MN cliche you have a DP problem.

He’s allowed you and the two children to become the scapegoats for this argument. Which is a considerably bigger issue than the GPs.

It sounds like you got the blame for it and he’s allowed that to happen…

Wish I could say what it was about so it had more context to this post but it’s a detail someone may recognise.
But it was 100% a them problem not a me problem.
Im a quite an anxious person I don’t do confrontations well.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 12:07

SleepingStandingUp · 12/04/2023 12:05

You really need to get to the bottom of what this fall out was about. He's saying rise above it, and I would in that I wouldn't make a scene or demand they buy my kids, but I also would leave anything to do with those GP to Dad and wouldn't be facilitating a relationship with people acting like they wish me and my kids don't exist

Show quote history

I know what it was about but I wasn’t there when the row took place about it. I don’t know how to private msg or I would tell those who asked.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 12:08

2bazookas · 12/04/2023 12:03

It would be very nice if all parents loved all their children and treated them fairly and well. It would be lovely if all broken couples would remain friends, welcome their ex's new partners/spouses, love the stepchildren as much as their own flesh and blood. Regardless of how challenging and bratty those disrupted resentful kids and hormonal teenagers are.

That's only going to become the rule in cloud cuckoo land, so why hold stepgrandparents to some higher standard?

I do get this point that’s why I’m asking to see if I’m blowing this up when I don’t need to or if it’s valid. If it’s valid to my relationship also.

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 12/04/2023 12:12

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 12:06

Wish I could say what it was about so it had more context to this post but it’s a detail someone may recognise.
But it was 100% a them problem not a me problem.
Im a quite an anxious person I don’t do confrontations well.

Show quote history

It doesn’t matter that the original row wasn’t involving you - you have become the scapegoat, along with your DC, and your partner is allowing that to happen.

Your DP is the people here, far more than his parents

PussBilledDuckyPlait · 12/04/2023 12:14

It's the grandparents' choice - they didn't make a decision to accept the step grandchildren, or for that matter, to acquire biological grandchildren. Equally the parents could choose to decline gifts on behalf of the bio grandchildren if it causes awkwardness with the stepchildren.

Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 12:14

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 12/04/2023 12:12

It doesn’t matter that the original row wasn’t involving you - you have become the scapegoat, along with your DC, and your partner is allowing that to happen.

Your DP is the people here, far more than his parents

Show quote history

That’s what I’m saying it has me questioning the whole thing now that he’s standing back and allowing this. Do I just say nothing and accept it.

OP posts:
KnittingNeedles · 12/04/2023 12:14

They rarely see their own father and parental grandparents.

Which is rubbish, but not your current partner's parents' fault. Every family is different and when you have (as older parents) three or four grown up children who are all involved in some sort of blended family scenario with many children and different parents it's an absolute minefield. Buying only for the children you are biologically related to is a good way of keeping things simple.

OssieShowman · 12/04/2023 12:14

I had 2 step grandchildren, until recent breakup.
so, I had 8 grandchildren. And I treated them all the same. Spent same amounts or equivalent in cash for these 2 as they were older.
just last week a bag of new clothing from the 2 was returned to our family.
obviously not good enough. We watched these boys grow up from small children to late teenagers.

Aturnipforthebooks · 12/04/2023 12:14

I think you need to focus on your partner's behaviour and (as difficult as it may be) forget about his parents for now.

Do you think he has accepted your children as his own? Does he acknowledge the hurt it causes them if they are left out?

How do you think he would he react if your parents stopped buying for his kids?

Change2banon · 12/04/2023 12:15

I would be having it out with your dh - it seems like he hasn’t quite cut the apron strings yet with his mum 🤷🏻‍♀️ He should be putting you and all your combined children first/priority over his mum but he’s not.

CheshireCat1 · 12/04/2023 12:16

I agree with you, they should give gifts to all or give to none. It’s awful leaving a child out, I would never do it.

W0tnow · 12/04/2023 12:16

If they used to include them and now don’t through no fault if their own then it’s just spite.

Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 12:17

KnittingNeedles · 12/04/2023 12:14

They rarely see their own father and parental grandparents.

Which is rubbish, but not your current partner's parents' fault. Every family is different and when you have (as older parents) three or four grown up children who are all involved in some sort of blended family scenario with many children and different parents it's an absolute minefield. Buying only for the children you are biologically related to is a good way of keeping things simple.

I do and don’t agree as my sons were raised by him my sons only know him really as their father.
There isn’t lots of stepgrandkids he’s only one of two. I feel it’s personal and a dig.

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 12/04/2023 12:19

Tbh @Thisisit2323 you might be better starting a new thread with all the details in the first post.

some people will miss the update that they used to buy for your DC for years but have stopped since having a row with your DP.

That’s very different from people who make the decision not to do gifts in the first place.

Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 12:19

Aturnipforthebooks · 12/04/2023 12:14

I think you need to focus on your partner's behaviour and (as difficult as it may be) forget about his parents for now.

Do you think he has accepted your children as his own? Does he acknowledge the hurt it causes them if they are left out?

How do you think he would he react if your parents stopped buying for his kids?

I don’t think he would be bothered of my parents left his out but I think that is due to what he himself what’s exposed to and how his parents are as people maybe.
I said this is out of spite and is personal to me and the kids he won’t hear a bad word against them. We feel divided now our own two in the middle and I don’t want our two together seeing their brothers left out and thinking it’s ok when they go nanny’s or get stuff off nanny me and the boys aren’t me and the boys aren’t thought of surely it’s toxic. I’m so muddled

OP posts:
Sugarmicetails · 12/04/2023 12:20

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 11:29

Gifts being bought into the house for the bio kids and my kids who aren’t blood related have nothing in the bag for them. Even though he’s bought my other children up from very young.
They rarely see their own father and parental grandparents.

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OP I feel for you!
this is dreadful! Never really understood some of the attitudes on MN in relation to step kids

those GPS are terrible people - their son has raised your son and they won’t include themselves in his upbringing because he’s not blood related 🙄

Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 12:20

Change2banon · 12/04/2023 12:15

I would be having it out with your dh - it seems like he hasn’t quite cut the apron strings yet with his mum 🤷🏻‍♀️ He should be putting you and all your combined children first/priority over his mum but he’s not.

Thankyou this is how I feel too I’m so unsure of whether getting married is worth it now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 12:21

Sugarmicetails · 12/04/2023 12:20

OP I feel for you!
this is dreadful! Never really understood some of the attitudes on MN in relation to step kids

those GPS are terrible people - their son has raised your son and they won’t include themselves in his upbringing because he’s not blood related 🙄

Show quote history

Thankyou I’ve been crying about this and wondering if I am being dramatic about this situation it just feels like we don’t matter and OH is ok with this.

OP posts: