Page 13 | To think all kids should be included?

Thisisit2323 · 2023-04-12T10:13:22+00:00

Should all kids be included by step grandparents? Would you expect it if buying for one they buy for all on occasions like Xmas , Easter etc ? Is it ok to only buy for some of the kids and leave the others out because your not blood related even if you have been together many years? Big row over this after it constantly happening been made to feel I am in the wrong.

Ktime · 12/04/2023 18:12

postapesto · 12/04/2023 17:43

massive YAWN at the so overused "shaming". Such a stupid buzzword.

Nobody is being "shamed" for having more children after divorce. They may be getting "shamed" for doing it and expecting it to be easy, or expecting everyone else to fit their notions of how family should be.

OP's boyfriend had an argument with his parents. OP doesn't know what it was, what was said, or why she and her children are being treated differently after it. But instead of finding out, or dealing with her obvious issues with her boyfriend, she's here complaining about how they should all be treated the same,no matter what.

It's naive, and not real life.

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I think you and both @ReadersD1gest should go to bed and let the adults talk, you seem to both be sleepy with all the dramatic yawns.

postapesto · 12/04/2023 18:14

OP, he's lying to you. Do you really think that they just stopped, for no reason at all? They did treat all the kids the same, and now they don't. They have a reason.

You know there is more to it than he is telling you.

Original poster

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 18:15

Dixiechickonhols · 12/04/2023 18:10

It seems like they have included the 2 eldest though for 6 or 7 years and have recently stopped due to a fall out with Op. That’s very hurtful to the children especially if one has autism and doesn’t understand.
eg it sounds like Granny would previously send 6 Easter eggs and now she’s sent 4. So the eldest think there’s one for them and are upset. Op has told boyfriend not to go along with that after same happened at Christmas and he’s ignored.
Obviously if from start granny hadn’t included them or had bought them a crème egg v a big egg that sets the tone but if the children have all been treated same until fall out it’s unkind and hurtful.

This what got me when he came back with the stuff is that my son asked if he had one and OH said no and he asked me ‘why haven’t they got me one mom’
I said I didn’t know but maybe it was a mistake it’s not the fact of the eggs I can get them one it’s the fact it went over his head and now their all back as friends we’ve been excluded for something we wasn’t involved in.
I feel like he could of said why isn’t there one for the kids but didn’t or he could of offered to get them one and pretend or like I said left them in the car it was just thoughtless.

OP posts:

Ktime · 12/04/2023 18:15

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 17:42

I didn’t realise at age 27 my life was over when he decided he had enough and wanted some fun. Women can’t move on like men can without being flamed so it seems.

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So true. When women post about their step-kids they’re told they have to treat step-kids like their own.

And yet you are being told that you have to accept MIL turning up to your house with presents for just her biological grandkids because that’s ‘realistic’.

Original poster

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 18:17

Ktime · 12/04/2023 18:15

So true. When women post about their step-kids they’re told they have to treat step-kids like their own.

And yet you are being told that you have to accept MIL turning up to your house with presents for just her biological grandkids because that’s ‘realistic’.

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It’s just weird isn’t it. If my kids meet someone with kids I like to think I will include them all.

OP posts:

postapesto · 12/04/2023 18:18

Ktime · 12/04/2023 18:15

So true. When women post about their step-kids they’re told they have to treat step-kids like their own.

And yet you are being told that you have to accept MIL turning up to your house with presents for just her biological grandkids because that’s ‘realistic’.

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No. They're just as likely to be told they are not your own, so obviously you can't treat them as your own.

If you think about it, treat them as your own is terrible advice to a step parent.

Original poster

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 18:19

postapesto · 12/04/2023 18:14

OP, he's lying to you. Do you really think that they just stopped, for no reason at all? They did treat all the kids the same, and now they don't. They have a reason.

You know there is more to it than he is telling you.

They think I’m behind why OH had a go at them but he won’t admit it .

OP posts:

Aturnipforthebooks · 12/04/2023 18:19

Stepkids don’t matter to some posters on here their just the lowest of low and shouldn’t expect a shiny shit off anyone unless blood related

Op, I don't think anyone here is saying this. But it sounds like the man you are with thinks like this and THAT is the issue here.

I asked you before and you didn't respond - do you truly believe that he has accepted your two boys as his own? Will he give them the same care and support as his other 4 kids?

Original poster

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 18:22

Aturnipforthebooks · 12/04/2023 18:19

Stepkids don’t matter to some posters on here their just the lowest of low and shouldn’t expect a shiny shit off anyone unless blood related

Op, I don't think anyone here is saying this. But it sounds like the man you are with thinks like this and THAT is the issue here.

I asked you before and you didn't respond - do you truly believe that he has accepted your two boys as his own? Will he give them the same care and support as his other 4 kids?

He does buy for the kids and include them I don’t think he loves them like I do but I think he tries his best. Maybe that’s part of the problem maybe they see it as he’s not fully took a father role in some ways so they feel free to do this.
Im protective of my sons they have had it hard my oldest was close to his dad even for a time after the divorce and then he moved away to be with yet another woman and my son changed overnight.

He’s been through a lot and suffers depression and I think it’s all from the divorce and I don’t want him seeing this behaviour off adults and feeling even more like shit he’s not stupid he’s heard us row over this.

OP posts:

Ktime · 12/04/2023 18:23

postapesto · 12/04/2023 18:18

No. They're just as likely to be told they are not your own, so obviously you can't treat them as your own.

If you think about it, treat them as your own is terrible advice to a step parent.

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If they can’t treat them as their own then at least they shouldn’t use the kids as pawns.

MIL turning up to OP’s house with Xmas gifts for just the bio grandkids is terrible, exclusionary behaviour. OP and her kids do not deserve that. As I’ve said to OP, I think her DP is the main person at fault and she should cancel the wedding for now, but the in laws are also behaving terribly.

Original poster

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 18:24

Just when I think I think of my sons faces at Xmas seeing nothing there for them when the presents were handed out I know it hurt them. My OH looked embarrassed and did say after I’m embarrassed by that but never said anything directly and I wanted to smash their faces in tbh

OP posts:

Original poster

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 18:26

Ktime · 12/04/2023 18:23

If they can’t treat them as their own then at least they shouldn’t use the kids as pawns.

MIL turning up to OP’s house with Xmas gifts for just the bio grandkids is terrible, exclusionary behaviour. OP and her kids do not deserve that. As I’ve said to OP, I think her DP is the main person at fault and she should cancel the wedding for now, but the in laws are also behaving terribly.

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Just wondering if I’m making a huge mistake or whether it’s a trivial thing and not be involved with them hardly so it won’t affect us but it is already.

OP posts:

Noodles1234 · 12/04/2023 18:28

Financially it can be hard for GP or any family to afford for all, I think token / semi gifts if they struggle.

I personally am finding it hard as my wider family are expanding (not SC but personally wouldn’t make any difference it it was). I am having to cull the presents for people.
if there has been a falling out, I always find talking calmly helps as if it was a delicate spontaneous conversation. You never really know the reasons, but hard when kids are affected.

Ktime · 12/04/2023 18:30

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 18:26

Just wondering if I’m making a huge mistake or whether it’s a trivial thing and not be involved with them hardly so it won’t affect us but it is already.

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I think you’ve been too understanding and kind and he has taken advantage of that.

Have you told him coldly and calmly that you will
not accept your sole children being treated differently and that his family aren’t allowed in your house if they continue to exclude them?

Original poster

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 18:30

Noodles1234 · 12/04/2023 18:28

Financially it can be hard for GP or any family to afford for all, I think token / semi gifts if they struggle.

I personally am finding it hard as my wider family are expanding (not SC but personally wouldn’t make any difference it it was). I am having to cull the presents for people.
if there has been a falling out, I always find talking calmly helps as if it was a delicate spontaneous conversation. You never really know the reasons, but hard when kids are affected.

It is hard and I do understand this but I know my stepkids are so kind and they would all rather have a bit less so the boys were included.
My mom and Dad aren’t rich but they the stepkids small gifts or give money in a card.
If she actually said to me I cannot afford to buy for them all I would be more understanding if she spoke to me directly but I think it’s deeper then that.

OP posts:

Original poster

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 18:32

Ktime · 12/04/2023 18:30

I think you’ve been too understanding and kind and he has taken advantage of that.

Have you told him coldly and calmly that you will
not accept your sole children being treated differently and that his family aren’t allowed in your house if they continue to exclude them?

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I told him this at Xmas and I said don’t bring the stuff home if they leave the boys out he agreed at that time. So when he bought the Easter stuff back for the others and bought them into the house I was livid it’s like nothing I said matters.
I was made to feel I was being a stupid mental cow over it he doesn’t understand how I feel.

OP posts:

Crumpleton · 12/04/2023 18:34

OP you've been with your OH for some time now.
Before the fall out was there a time when you got on quite well with his mum?

I ask as I find it odd that if you did, to the extent that she was welcoming/buying your 2 DC gifts and she obviously knows you weren't there at the time of the fall out so infact didn't say anything that could of offended her, but somehow she still thinks you're to blame.

Has your OH maybe said something to her and told her it's come from you?

Have you ever tried to contact her and ask?

postapesto · 12/04/2023 18:35

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 18:32

I told him this at Xmas and I said don’t bring the stuff home if they leave the boys out he agreed at that time. So when he bought the Easter stuff back for the others and bought them into the house I was livid it’s like nothing I said matters.
I was made to feel I was being a stupid mental cow over it he doesn’t understand how I feel.

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Like I'm trying to tell you...HE is the problem. They've always treated your kids well until whatever he said to them about you.
HE is the one not listening to you. HE is the one making out you are UR.

hot2trotter · 12/04/2023 18:41

I'm feel sorry for your boys, OP. I have read all of your posts and want to give you a hug.

Truth is, I've been there so I know how it feels. DP and I have 2 together, I have 2 from previous, he has 1 from previous.

His son from a previous relationship is the golden grandchild, blatant favourtism and the in laws don't even bother to hide it. They have openly said they favour him because his dad (my DP) 'abandoned' him when he ended the relationship with his ex. So to them its justified. That will never ever change and I've had to accept it.

Anyway, regarding presents. They used to make it very obvious and my kids were getting to an age where they noticed how different they were being treated even after all these years. I could go into so much more examples but feel it would be too outing. I have since told them, simply, you either buy for all or none at all. If they do buy things for bio grandkids and not for the others, I refuse to accept it. After a few times of doing this they got the hint.

DP took a while to get on board, he's a total pushover and, like yours, will happily blame me for things in front of them to get himself off the hook. I put my foot down and told him I would walk away if he didn't stand up for our family - and I meant it. After years of their behaviour, he finally did.

Your DP is allowing this to continue. Your in laws sound vile but he is condoning their behaviour. He should have refused the bag of Easter things with a simple "buy for all or none". Its him that's the problem here.

I feel a weight has been lifted, I no longer have anything to do with my in laws, DP and the kids still see them every few weeks but it was making me ill and I couldn't forgive the things they did, so I removed myself and haven't seen them since before lockdown. But DP is now firmly in my corner which is really all I needed.

Original poster

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 18:46

hot2trotter · 12/04/2023 18:41

I'm feel sorry for your boys, OP. I have read all of your posts and want to give you a hug.

Truth is, I've been there so I know how it feels. DP and I have 2 together, I have 2 from previous, he has 1 from previous.

His son from a previous relationship is the golden grandchild, blatant favourtism and the in laws don't even bother to hide it. They have openly said they favour him because his dad (my DP) 'abandoned' him when he ended the relationship with his ex. So to them its justified. That will never ever change and I've had to accept it.

Anyway, regarding presents. They used to make it very obvious and my kids were getting to an age where they noticed how different they were being treated even after all these years. I could go into so much more examples but feel it would be too outing. I have since told them, simply, you either buy for all or none at all. If they do buy things for bio grandkids and not for the others, I refuse to accept it. After a few times of doing this they got the hint.

DP took a while to get on board, he's a total pushover and, like yours, will happily blame me for things in front of them to get himself off the hook. I put my foot down and told him I would walk away if he didn't stand up for our family - and I meant it. After years of their behaviour, he finally did.

Your DP is allowing this to continue. Your in laws sound vile but he is condoning their behaviour. He should have refused the bag of Easter things with a simple "buy for all or none". Its him that's the problem here.

I feel a weight has been lifted, I no longer have anything to do with my in laws, DP and the kids still see them every few weeks but it was making me ill and I couldn't forgive the things they did, so I removed myself and haven't seen them since before lockdown. But DP is now firmly in my corner which is really all I needed.

Thanks so much it’s nice to hear someone understands how I feel.

That’s how I feel it’s making me physically unwell now it’s an awful situation I just want him to stand up for us. She’s done some questionable things in the past he has rejection issues with her that’s why I let things slide so much as I don’t like to see him hurting over her.
I just feel he would rather lose me then her at this point. The thing is they would see him with nothing and wouldn’t care that’s what they are like so selfish.

He isn’t a pushover with me but is with them it’s so weird it’s like he reverts back to a child and he’s an adult now.

OP posts:

Original poster

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 18:47

postapesto · 12/04/2023 18:35

Like I'm trying to tell you...HE is the problem. They've always treated your kids well until whatever he said to them about you.
HE is the one not listening to you. HE is the one making out you are UR.

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I’m just waiting now for the next time and then I’m done I think.

OP posts:

Original poster

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 18:49

Crumpleton · 12/04/2023 18:34

OP you've been with your OH for some time now.
Before the fall out was there a time when you got on quite well with his mum?

I ask as I find it odd that if you did, to the extent that she was welcoming/buying your 2 DC gifts and she obviously knows you weren't there at the time of the fall out so infact didn't say anything that could of offended her, but somehow she still thinks you're to blame.

Has your OH maybe said something to her and told her it's come from you?

Have you ever tried to contact her and ask?

We got on well we never once fell out. I felt we had a good relationship as we could have until that point.
Im very close to my own parents so have never treated them as parents as such but she seemed to like me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 18:54

I mean he’s come home and he’s being dead nice to me and I feel bitter inside like I’ve been blamed he’s happy as Larry meanwhile I feel like shit over this. Everything I keep going over and over about the situation.
I even feel them being nice to me originally was all lies now.

OP posts:

Crumpleton · 12/04/2023 19:21

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 18:54

I mean he’s come home and he’s being dead nice to me and I feel bitter inside like I’ve been blamed he’s happy as Larry meanwhile I feel like shit over this. Everything I keep going over and over about the situation.
I even feel them being nice to me originally was all lies now.

So in your heart of hearts you don't think there could possibly have been something that has been said using your name and it's been lack of communication somewhere along the way that has caused all the upset.

I just couldn't see myself being in my 'SGC' life for so long then dropping them without very very good cause.
Lord knows what they must be thinking.

AutomaticRepliesTurnedOff · 12/04/2023 19:32

Your husband is weak and not your advocate.

Maybe I have missed it but can you now message the parents and politely ask for clarification of what happened, expressing a wish to rebuild relationships for everyone’s sake?