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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think all kids should be included?

333 replies

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 11:13

Should all kids be included by step grandparents? Would you expect it if buying for one they buy for all on occasions like Xmas , Easter etc ? Is it ok to only buy for some of the kids and leave the others out because your not blood related even if you have been together many years?
Big row over this after it constantly happening been made to feel I am in the wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 12:44

Climbles · 12/04/2023 12:42

In all the blended families I know the grandparents who see all the kids buy for all of them. Who could be so cruel as to get presents for some kids and not others. Even if it’s a token chocolate bar or a tenner in a card.

It’s just mean their a mean lot of people and I don’t want to be involved in the toxic ways.

OP posts:
kirsty2023 · 12/04/2023 12:44

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 11:13

Should all kids be included by step grandparents? Would you expect it if buying for one they buy for all on occasions like Xmas , Easter etc ? Is it ok to only buy for some of the kids and leave the others out because your not blood related even if you have been together many years?
Big row over this after it constantly happening been made to feel I am in the wrong.

Yes all kids should be include no matter what's happened it's not nice for ur son to see as I'm sure he will pick up on it bless him x

SimoneSayz · 12/04/2023 12:44

It is a shame, but it’s not worth arguing with your husband over.

trampoline123 · 12/04/2023 12:44

I personally would treat all children within the family unit the same.

Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 12:45

grandmaintraining · 12/04/2023 12:40

All he has to do is decline the gifts for his children.

If he cared for the other kids he should of said I can’t take them if there isn’t something for all or offered to buy for the other kids as a way to show it isn’t right.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 12:47

SimoneSayz · 12/04/2023 12:44

It is a shame, but it’s not worth arguing with your husband over.

He’s my soon to be husband but his family ignore me and my other two children. I don’t know if it was worth rowing over either or whether he should of stuck up for us.

OP posts:
ReadersD1gest · 12/04/2023 12:48

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 12:25

I did ask OH why he did not offer to go the shops and get for the boys if she couldn’t afford it to save face but no he brings it in for all the kids to see and only things for the blood related kids was there.

Show quote history

Surely your husband is as big a dick as any of them?? This is on him.

Robinni · 12/04/2023 12:48

@Thisisit2323 I don’t think this is worth destroying your nuclear family over.

You will have more power when you are married and not just a gf anymore and I hope you are able to move past this to get that legal security for you and your kids.

I wouldn’t let it bother you and I would be united as a family of 8 on all family communications. Push it in their face that you are a family and all are equal.

I would have DH, post wedding, bring it up to them that the unequal treatment of the children, if still going on, is causing distress with all the children and try and solve it that way.

To try and let you see it from their point of view - personally if my son took on another 2 kids on top of his own I’d find it hard - because time/resources for GC would be less all round - but I would get them something at hols/bdays and not leave them out. However, I wouldn’t be paying for them to have days out and all that, nor expecting to have much of a relationship with any of the kids that weren’t my actual grandchildren beyond about 18.

For example, I wouldn’t contribute to their uni costs, house deposit, wedding or anything like that or be very involved with them emotionally because that would deplete my financial and emotional resources for my grandchildren who are my responsibility… it literally would not be my place to be taking on grandparenting children I am not related to.

To be fair OP, your youngest is 11, the time for gifts is about to peter out in about half a decade, and GP won’t be around forever either…. I wouldn’t upset the apple cart for the sake of your long term future.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 12/04/2023 12:50

ReadersD1gest · 12/04/2023 12:48

Surely your husband is as big a dick as any of them?? This is on him.

Show quote history

This is the issue.

His parents are a red herring.

he’s clearly given her the blame for the row and is letting that linger with his family

grandmaintraining · 12/04/2023 12:51

Do your kids see the grandparents now?

Daisybee6 · 12/04/2023 12:51

Punishing the children because of an adult fall out is really shitty behaviour

lalaloopyhead · 12/04/2023 12:52

I would like to think in the situation I would treat all children the same.

My inlaws treated my children from a previous relationship the same as they did all the other grandkids, overall a very blended family though as out of 10 grandchildren only 4 were biologically related to mil or fil and none related to both.

Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 12:52

Robinni · 12/04/2023 12:48

@Thisisit2323 I don’t think this is worth destroying your nuclear family over.

You will have more power when you are married and not just a gf anymore and I hope you are able to move past this to get that legal security for you and your kids.

I wouldn’t let it bother you and I would be united as a family of 8 on all family communications. Push it in their face that you are a family and all are equal.

I would have DH, post wedding, bring it up to them that the unequal treatment of the children, if still going on, is causing distress with all the children and try and solve it that way.

To try and let you see it from their point of view - personally if my son took on another 2 kids on top of his own I’d find it hard - because time/resources for GC would be less all round - but I would get them something at hols/bdays and not leave them out. However, I wouldn’t be paying for them to have days out and all that, nor expecting to have much of a relationship with any of the kids that weren’t my actual grandchildren beyond about 18.

For example, I wouldn’t contribute to their uni costs, house deposit, wedding or anything like that or be very involved with them emotionally because that would deplete my financial and emotional resources for my grandchildren who are my responsibility… it literally would not be my place to be taking on grandparenting children I am not related to.

To be fair OP, your youngest is 11, the time for gifts is about to peter out in about half a decade, and GP won’t be around forever either…. I wouldn’t upset the apple cart for the sake of your long term future.

I mean they aren’t overly involved with any of are other children anyway. So I wouldn’t expect them to buy or spend time with my kids that aren’t related it’s their pure ignorance of them that riles me. But yes you are right if they don’t throw a spanner in the works before the wedding that is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 12:54

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 12/04/2023 12:50

This is the issue.

His parents are a red herring.

he’s clearly given her the blame for the row and is letting that linger with his family

Show quote history

That's what has concerned me he said they haven’t mentioned me at all when he’s been back in touch but who knows what’s being said behind closed doors.
I don’t visit my OH hasn’t asked me to go with him for ages.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 12:55

grandmaintraining · 12/04/2023 12:51

Do your kids see the grandparents now?

Our ones together see them on the weekend for a few hours me and the boys don’t go and aren’t asked as since they started leaving the boys out I’ve chosen to stand back and never offer to go and he doesn’t ask me he knows there’s an issue but buried his head in the sand.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 12/04/2023 12:55

The reason I have always loved my second parents in law is because right from the word go they treated my children as their dgc. Two of mine were almost young adults but my youngest son was 8 and my Dad was already dead. No contact with biological GM on exh side and biological GF on exh side dead too.My wonderful new parents in law used to take youngest DS for a week each summer holidays so DH and I could have a week on holiday alone. Then we all went away for 2 weeks together with my in-laws, DH and I and my youngest son. We did this for many years. I know my MiL put in her will that my 3 DC will receive an equal amount to their own 3 biological dgc. My adult DS's go to see my MiL. One DS drives about 150 miles to see his Nan about once every 2 months. The other lives 30 mins from her and pops in about once a fortnight. MiL is elderly now and well in her 80's but loves getting my DS's for visits. Personally I think it's mean to leave children out.

chimayrah1 · 12/04/2023 12:55

I think it's incredibly mean not to buy presents for all the children and I'm shocked anyone thinks differently tbh.

Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 12:56

ReadersD1gest · 12/04/2023 12:48

Surely your husband is as big a dick as any of them?? This is on him.

Show quote history

I just don’t get why he bought them back into the house when I had an issue Xmas when they did it and I said I didn’t like it as everyone in my family buys for his two. He agreed at the time yet still bought the Easter gifts into the house.

OP posts:
whumpthereitis · 12/04/2023 12:57

In one way or another, it is something you will need to come to terms with. Even if you decide to end your relationship, your younger children will be treated differently to your older ones, by virtue of having an involved father and grandparents.

Trying to prevent a relationship between your joint children and them (even if you could without the support of their father) could also alienate the siblings if they think of the older ones as the reason they can’t see their relatives.

grandmaintraining · 12/04/2023 12:57

Well if they're not seeing your kids because you've stepped back it's a bit cheeky to expect presents.

ReadersD1gest · 12/04/2023 12:57

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 12:56

I just don’t get why he bought them back into the house when I had an issue Xmas when they did it and I said I didn’t like it as everyone in my family buys for his two. He agreed at the time yet still bought the Easter gifts into the house.

Show quote history

So now that you've pinpointed the issue correctly; take it up with him.

ImAvingOops · 12/04/2023 12:59

I think the problem here is that your in-laws are expressing their displeasure with you by punishing your child and your husband thinks you should just suck it up.

He's the primary problem - he ought to iron out with them whatever they are pissed off about snd set them straight if it's not your fault. And tell them not to take it out in your child.

Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 13:00

caringcarer · 12/04/2023 12:55

The reason I have always loved my second parents in law is because right from the word go they treated my children as their dgc. Two of mine were almost young adults but my youngest son was 8 and my Dad was already dead. No contact with biological GM on exh side and biological GF on exh side dead too.My wonderful new parents in law used to take youngest DS for a week each summer holidays so DH and I could have a week on holiday alone. Then we all went away for 2 weeks together with my in-laws, DH and I and my youngest son. We did this for many years. I know my MiL put in her will that my 3 DC will receive an equal amount to their own 3 biological dgc. My adult DS's go to see my MiL. One DS drives about 150 miles to see his Nan about once every 2 months. The other lives 30 mins from her and pops in about once a fortnight. MiL is elderly now and well in her 80's but loves getting my DS's for visits. Personally I think it's mean to leave children out.

See this is lovely I had a stepgrandad my Nan died young and my stepgrandad never married again and stayed in our lives I used to stay with him all weekend he gave me such happy times and love and we weren’t blood but it didn’t matter. I’ve never come across this behaviour from adults I’ve been lucky like this of my grandad could give me love why can’t they give a small gesture just to show care they don’t have to love them.
It’s cruel it’s upset me so much I know it shouldn’t but my boys only have me and their grandparents.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 13:02

grandmaintraining · 12/04/2023 12:57

Well if they're not seeing your kids because you've stepped back it's a bit cheeky to expect presents.

Their seeing their own grandkids just not the step ones who they constantly leave out hence why I don’t go there with my kids now read the whole post please.

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 12/04/2023 13:02

So he’s the issue. They did it at Xmas you said you didn’t like it and now he’s repeated it at Easter. You need to agree how you will deal as a family and stick to it eg you buy token for your 2 and distribute everything so it looks as though grandparents bought for all 6, you refuse all gifts off grandparents etc.