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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think all kids should be included?

333 replies

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 11:13

Should all kids be included by step grandparents? Would you expect it if buying for one they buy for all on occasions like Xmas , Easter etc ? Is it ok to only buy for some of the kids and leave the others out because your not blood related even if you have been together many years?
Big row over this after it constantly happening been made to feel I am in the wrong.

OP posts:
postapesto · 12/04/2023 11:36

Depends. People insist on fairness but if you have 2 lots of grandparents giving you gifts but insist the step grandparents have to as as well (could be two more lots, so 8 grandparents), how is that fair to the other kids who have 2 lots total (4 grandparents)

In practice, treating step kids the same often means treating them better. They must be included in every holiday, so get twice as many, they get presents frokm both sides at Xmas, so twice as many, two bedrooms, two sets of day trips...etc etc.

Just another perspective.

Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 11:37

Aturnipforthebooks · 12/04/2023 11:35

Maybe they feel that 6 kids is too many to buy for?

Maybe they feel your kids' father and paternal grandparents should be buying them stuff?

Maybe they don't feel any connection with your kids?

Show quote history

I feel this to be honest. Meant to be getting married soon now I don’t know if I want to go ahead as I feel so unwelcome within the family.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 11:38

postapesto · 12/04/2023 11:36

Depends. People insist on fairness but if you have 2 lots of grandparents giving you gifts but insist the step grandparents have to as as well (could be two more lots, so 8 grandparents), how is that fair to the other kids who have 2 lots total (4 grandparents)

In practice, treating step kids the same often means treating them better. They must be included in every holiday, so get twice as many, they get presents frokm both sides at Xmas, so twice as many, two bedrooms, two sets of day trips...etc etc.

Just another perspective.

His step kids have the same as my kids as my parents buy for them so does partners family and mom on their side. My kids don’t really see their fathers parents. So only get off my parents.

OP posts:
BoojaBooj2 · 12/04/2023 11:38

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 11:35

Thankyou the fact they used to get for them then suddenly stopped because of the argument it hurts they ignore us on bdays and Xmas and other events now. OH wants me to rise above this.

Show quote history

This is the issue OP. It’s unfair to punish the children.

Never buying anything is fine. 6 kids is a lot. Presumably if they’d bought a ‘token’ like a £1 plastic fish at Christmas while your bio kids got proper presents your children would still be unhappy as it’s so clearly a token.

but stopping the presents due to a family fall out is vile. Who could do that to children?

Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 11:39

BoojaBooj2 · 12/04/2023 11:32

OP I’m confused.
So you have one son of your own, that OH has raised since son was a baby.
Your OH family used to get a token gift, but stopped after a family fall out?
That’s very unfair and clearly a punishment.

In general I don’t think GP’s should buy step kids presents but taking it away like this when it’s been going on for so long is just wrong.

Yes they stopped buying for my two.

OP posts:
Eggseggseverywhere · 12/04/2023 11:39

They are petty cunts op.

Aturnipforthebooks · 12/04/2023 11:39

I'm sorry, it must be a difficult situation to be in.

In your position, I would be focussing on your partner's behaviour. If he treats your children as his own and you get no sense that he is encouraging his parents to do this, then I wouldn't let it affect my relationship.

Ramunea · 12/04/2023 11:40

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 11:35

Thankyou the fact they used to get for them then suddenly stopped because of the argument it hurts they ignore us on bdays and Xmas and other events now. OH wants me to rise above this.

Show quote history

That makes it even more petty. I would be livid

Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 11:40

BoojaBooj2 · 12/04/2023 11:38

This is the issue OP. It’s unfair to punish the children.

Never buying anything is fine. 6 kids is a lot. Presumably if they’d bought a ‘token’ like a £1 plastic fish at Christmas while your bio kids got proper presents your children would still be unhappy as it’s so clearly a token.

but stopping the presents due to a family fall out is vile. Who could do that to children?

Show quote history

It’s created a divide now because they don’t include us. We’ve been together a long time and now we are all pushed aside if it was me I wouldn’t be bothered but their taking it out on the kids. My parents have taken us all on holiday step included because we’re a family and we come as one.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 12/04/2023 11:41

How does he want you to rise above it?

cstaff · 12/04/2023 11:42

I think the fact that they did give presents and easter eggs etc for so long and then just stopped suddenly because of a family row is really cruel. I presume this row didn't involve your kids. Start calling you MIL Cruella De Vil.

Aturnipforthebooks · 12/04/2023 11:42

What was the argument about?

Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 11:42

Ramunea · 12/04/2023 11:40

That makes it even more petty. I would be livid

Show quote history

Thankyou we had a huge argument of this The Weekend and he took their side said they don’t have to buy for them but they used to buy for them and now don’t. We never get invited there anymore either he just takes the two I know it’s because we aren’t wanted there.
I am trying not to let it bother me but it is now I feel like walking away from the lot.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 11:44

Aturnipforthebooks · 12/04/2023 11:42

What was the argument about?

I wish I could say but so worried of being identified but it was nothing to do with me it was something they did which involved our daughter my OH had the row on them I wasn’t there at the time and they didn’t speak for a few months.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 11:45

No matter what they do they are forgiven by OH I stand back and try not to get involved so don’t understand why are they being horrible to me and my other kids now.

OP posts:
Ramunea · 12/04/2023 11:45

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 11:42

Thankyou we had a huge argument of this The Weekend and he took their side said they don’t have to buy for them but they used to buy for them and now don’t. We never get invited there anymore either he just takes the two I know it’s because we aren’t wanted there.
I am trying not to let it bother me but it is now I feel like walking away from the lot.

Show quote history

That behaviour is unacceptable and I feel your partner engaging with it is certainly setting the precedent and making it known you and your kids will never be ‘family’. I would be thinking twice about marrying someone who didn’t see my kids as their own and who’s family didn’t see my value.

ReadersD1gest · 12/04/2023 11:47

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 11:22

Very long time together I’m talking since my youngest son was a baby he’s now 11. My parents buy for my stepchildren just a small gift but never left out.
A family fall out happened which I wasn’t involved in OH was with his family somehow I got the blame but I wasn’t even there when it happened since then have left my children out of everything and only but for the ones we have together very hurtful.

How have you got the blame for something you weren't part of? Sounds most unlikely.

Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 11:50

I needed to ask because I don’t want to discuss with people we know as they think it’s all honkey dorey. OH said I was being OTT when I went off one and our two together had all this stuff and my two had nothing and he bought it into the home for them to see this I feel it is damaging.
My parents would never do this if they knew stepkids were here and like I say they buy for them too not as much but they don’t go without and they treat us as one family.
Im crying today questioning this whole thing now wedding is booked.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 11:51

ReadersD1gest · 12/04/2023 11:47

How have you got the blame for something you weren't part of? Sounds most unlikely.

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I think so but I wasn’t even there somehow I must of got dragged into this.

OP posts:
ReadersD1gest · 12/04/2023 11:52

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 11:51

I think so but I wasn’t even there somehow I must of got dragged into this.

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I suspect you know full well what happened and the part you played in it. How could you not?

WheelsUp · 12/04/2023 11:52

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 11:45

No matter what they do they are forgiven by OH I stand back and try not to get involved so don’t understand why are they being horrible to me and my other kids now.

This is your real problem. If you marry him then this is what you're signing up for.

WandaWonder · 12/04/2023 11:53

It is up the grandparents, just because someone has shacked up with someone with kids that is not on the grandparents

Nammit · 12/04/2023 11:55

As much as it seems petty what was the initial argument?

Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 11:55

ReadersD1gest · 12/04/2023 11:52

I suspect you know full well what happened and the part you played in it. How could you not?

Show quote history

The row happened but I wasn’t there when it took place it was about our daughter and something OH wasn’t happy with about that. He had a row on his mom and they didn’t speak. I’ve never fell out with them or got involved we always spoke on got on I thought and we wasn’t close but we have never been on bad terms.

OP posts:
Yerroblemom1923 · 12/04/2023 11:58

It's hard to force relationships. These people aren't your children's grandparents and think it's a bit much when families decide to come together to push kids on them that they don't know but suddenly they're expected to love and treat like their own. Step parents struggle with this and grandparents are one more removed.