Page 6 | To think all kids should be included?

Thisisit2323 · 2023-04-12T10:13:22+00:00

Should all kids be included by step grandparents? Would you expect it if buying for one they buy for all on occasions like Xmas , Easter etc ? Is it ok to only buy for some of the kids and leave the others out because your not blood related even if you have been together many years? Big row over this after it constantly happening been made to feel I am in the wrong.

ImAvingOops · 12/04/2023 13:02

I wouldn't marry him. A husband needs to be someone who has your back - he doesn't!

IdealisticCynic · 12/04/2023 13:02

I wouldn’t marry a man who didn’t stand up for me and my children when his family were treating us poorly and spitefully. You need to show your children with your ex that they are more important to you than a partner is, and show ALL your children what self respect looks like.

grandmaintraining · 12/04/2023 13:03

I did read the whole post. You said

Our ones together see them on the weekend for a few hours me and the boys don’t go and aren’t asked as since they started leaving the boys out I’ve chosen to stand back and never offer to go and he doesn’t ask me he knows there’s an issue but buried his head in the sand.

So you and your kids aren't going but you want presents.

Dixiechickonhols · 12/04/2023 13:04

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 13:02

Their seeing their own grandkids just not the step ones who they constantly leave out hence why I don’t go there with my kids now read the whole post please.

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Will boyfriend not take all 6 children to visit? I can understand you not going if you’ve had a fall out but why wouldn’t he take all the children.
It’s punishment to the children if they used to see their step grandparents and now they don’t.

DrPrunesquallor · 12/04/2023 13:04

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 12:36

Their nan lives abroad on the paternal side. It isn’t about the material gift side it’s the fact they included the kids then stopped due to the family argument. So to me it’s a clear msg they don’t like me and don’t accept the children as they stopped gifting to spite and to cause issues between me and OH which he’s letting them do by not speaking up.

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I hope my comment hasn’t upset you. It wasn’t meant to.
I did say I don’t agree with what they’re doing.
However, I am trying to see it from their perspective, as no one has asked them what it’s all about and why they are doing this…which obviously would be the best way forward in the long run.

From their perspective maybe they are wondering why, despite the paternal Nan living abroad, she doesn’t send presents for everyone. Why it is OH family expected to do this. Maybe they feel put upon.
Until you or OH asks the question you won’t know and can’t really solve this on MN without the full story.

You may, for example have nothing to do with the problem. The disagreement may just have been the last straw. At the moment you are blaming yourself.

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 12/04/2023 13:05

So I think your biggest issue is that your partner isn't putting you first, he's still putting his parents first and doing their bidding. It also sounds as though you're not completely certain of what he's said to them/what he's allowing to be said when you're not there. You've said a few times that you're worried about getting married and I would honestly put the brakes on that until things are resolved one way or another.

funinthesun19 · 12/04/2023 13:05

It depends. My parents always gave my exdsc Christmas/birthday presents and Easter eggs. And they were always happy to see dsc when we all went to visit and took an interest in dsc’s life and what they were up to. My parents would take dsc to small outings such as the park or play centre. They adored my my dsc and still do now, and I haven’t been with my ex for over 3 years now. Dsc is still very much welcome and is given money by them at Christmas and on birthdays.

When it came to big days out, dsc did go on the occasional day out with them. But mainly it was just my dc on their own. Their holidays were always just my dc. This was for a few reasons really. My dc were younger, so I guess my parents wanted to concentrate on one age group and centre their days around the younger ones. Harder to juggle both sometimes. Also there was the additional cost and less space in the car if there was an extra person to squeeze in.
And also my parents knew that my in laws never really bothered doing anything with my dc and did loads with dsc (shared grandparents). So really from my parents point of view they thought towards my in laws, “if you’re going to concentrate solely on the older ones then why should the younger ones have to compromise on their days out centred around just them?” Both sets of children got nice trips away and fun days out.

Original poster

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 13:08

ImAvingOops · 12/04/2023 12:59

I think the problem here is that your in-laws are expressing their displeasure with you by punishing your child and your husband thinks you should just suck it up.

He's the primary problem - he ought to iron out with them whatever they are pissed off about snd set them straight if it's not your fault. And tell them not to take it out in your child.

I’ve said all this during the argument we had he doesn’t think there was a problem

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gogohmm · 12/04/2023 13:08

You can't force it, my parents always remember my dp's kids, despite them being adults when we got together, whereas his mum doesn't acknowledge my existence unless I'm in the room and has made it clear his ex wife matters more. His ex left him!

Original poster

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 13:09

grandmaintraining · 12/04/2023 13:03

I did read the whole post. You said

Our ones together see them on the weekend for a few hours me and the boys don’t go and aren’t asked as since they started leaving the boys out I’ve chosen to stand back and never offer to go and he doesn’t ask me he knows there’s an issue but buried his head in the sand.

So you and your kids aren't going but you want presents.

I only stopped going as they stopped including my kids that’s why we stopped going.

OP posts:

grandmaintraining · 12/04/2023 13:10

Why can't your partner take them?

If they've been stopped seeing your kids I can exactly see why they've stopped sending presents.

I wouldn't send presents for kids I never saw and wasn't related to.

Viviennemary · 12/04/2023 13:12

I rhink it's up to the grandparents. Bu it's nice to include them. The family argument must have been quite serious to make them stopl.

RealHousewifeofExhaustion · 12/04/2023 13:14

If adults cant even buy a 99p chocolate egg for a child then they should be ashamed. Taking their feelings out and making a child feel excluded is disgusting behaviour.

JennyJenny8675309 · 12/04/2023 13:16

There really is no “seeing it their way”. This is vile behaviour on their part. I would buy some extra things for your two in anticipation of the times when they’ll be excluded. The step grandparents are of course showing their rejection of you by treating your children this way. Your partner is an even bigger issue.

Original poster

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 13:17

Dixiechickonhols · 12/04/2023 13:04

Will boyfriend not take all 6 children to visit? I can understand you not going if you’ve had a fall out but why wouldn’t he take all the children.
It’s punishment to the children if they used to see their step grandparents and now they don’t.

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It’s hard to explain the set up usually we would all go not every time and she would come here so take it in turns. Like twice a month then we moved house and she stopped coming so much so OH would take own kids and sometimes mine but we only have a normal size car so if my step kids come they can’t all go so a lot of times he can only take his own four then I would go other times with him and we take our two and my youngest son. My other son is a teen so doesn’t always come anyway.
So it was a casual thing of all the kids visiting different times.
But we still all went to family meals and events like my kids have been in their life since baby/toddler stage. Hope that makes sense I stopped going after the fall out because OH said it was awkward and he needed to build back a relationship with her kind of thing which I understood then she was sending stuff back for the two we have together a lot dolls and stuff which I was fine with them Xmas we all went and it was ok and civil and then she didn’t send for the boys anything and did it last Easter and now this Easter too. When she did it Xmas I didn’t go there again after that.

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Ktime · 12/04/2023 13:18

I think you need to cancel the wedding for now. How can the in laws attend a wedding when they aren’t speaking to the bride? And to marry him after he has condoned excluding your child sends a message that you are ok with this.

When is the wedding planned for?

12345mummy · 12/04/2023 13:21

My stepdads family, especially his parents, made sure I was given the same as any bio grand children in the family. For context I was 8 when they met. My step Grandma and Grandad took me on the bus on a shopping trip before I started high school, they didn’t have a massive amount of money but had obviously saved to treat me. It’s a lovely memory I have. My other Grandad was also a step Grandad and he had us then when my Gran died he inherited more step grandchildren. He kept a little book to ensure we ALL got the same amount on our bdays/milestones xx

aSofaNearYou · 12/04/2023 13:23

As a rule, no I don't think they should have to, it depends on the relationships involved.

In your specific case - if they don't see you or the kids at all and want no relationship with you for whatever reason, I don't think it's odd that they don't then buy them gifts - it would be more odd if they did.

The real question you need to ask yourself is if you would be happy to be married to someone whose family wants nothing to do with you. You don't HAVE to be enmeshed with his family, he could have his family and you could have yours and neither need mix much. But if that's not something you would be happy with, you need to go your separate was or mend the relationship with his family.

Original poster

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 13:24

It is in Autumn

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LaylaLjungberg · 12/04/2023 13:25

I treat all the kids in my family the same. They don’t understand all this blood related rubbish. Family is family.

Screwballs · 12/04/2023 13:28

I'd say there is no obligation for SGP to buy for non related children, however related grandkids should only be given their presents when step children are not around (ie not their full stop, not just in another room), it is cruel to give one child a present and not the other in front of them.

Original poster

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 13:28

aSofaNearYou · 12/04/2023 13:23

As a rule, no I don't think they should have to, it depends on the relationships involved.

In your specific case - if they don't see you or the kids at all and want no relationship with you for whatever reason, I don't think it's odd that they don't then buy them gifts - it would be more odd if they did.

The real question you need to ask yourself is if you would be happy to be married to someone whose family wants nothing to do with you. You don't HAVE to be enmeshed with his family, he could have his family and you could have yours and neither need mix much. But if that's not something you would be happy with, you need to go your separate was or mend the relationship with his family.

I don’t think I want to he stood up to them for once and somehow their blaming me behind it when it was something he did off his own back and I warned him it could turn and it has done. I’m not mending for something I haven’t done or been part of.

OP posts:

Ktime · 12/04/2023 13:28

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 13:24

It is in Autumn

Do you actually want to marry him, OP?

He seems pretty spineless to me.

He wouldn’t put up with his parents excluding his own children, so for him to be ok with them suddenly excluding your child that he has raised since a baby is cowardly behaviour.

grandmaintraining · 12/04/2023 13:30

Screwballs · 12/04/2023 13:28

I'd say there is no obligation for SGP to buy for non related children, however related grandkids should only be given their presents when step children are not around (ie not their full stop, not just in another room), it is cruel to give one child a present and not the other in front of them.

The op has stopped her kids going to the grandparent's though?

aSofaNearYou · 12/04/2023 13:31

I don’t think I want to he stood up to them for once and somehow their blaming me behind it when it was something he did off his own back and I warned him it could turn and it has done. I’m not mending for something I haven’t done or been part of.

Well if you don't want to make up with them (which is fair enough) then you will have to accept them having nothing to do with you or your kids - which is the logical fall out - or end the relationship.