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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Relatives want to know EXACTLY what to buy for DC’s birthday

199 replies

lucylantern · 12/04/2023 07:14

We have two DC. Our close relatives insist that they want to buy birthday and Christmas presents but they can’t come up with any ideas.

They keep on at us to send links to present ideas. It can’t just be general ideas, it has to be specific links to particular toys/games/whatever. We’ve said repeatedly that we’re happy for them to use their imagination/Google/phone our DC and ask for them what they’d like but they refuse.

There is no backstory here, we have never been anything but grateful for presents they’ve bought in the past. They’ve said they don’t want to buy something the DC already have to which we’ve said that’s fine, once they’ve found something they can just double check with us but apparently that’s no good either.

One of them even orders online and gets directly delivered to our house so we even have to wrap it for her.

DC’s birthday is coming up and I’ve said I’m not doing it this year, I’ve had enough. They will just have to come up with their own ideas. We both work full time and have had a bad run of illness etc and l just don’t have time for this on top of everything else.

Am I being unreasonable.

OP posts:
Bambi1609 · 12/04/2023 07:16

If it doesn't work for you then you are not being unreasonable.

I've set my kids up with an Amazon wishlist each that I add things to as and when I see that I know they would like and everyone is able to access that because I found that I was getting asked for ideas and when you've just used up your ideas yourself on them it was getting pretty stressful lol.

NEmama · 12/04/2023 07:17

Better than getting duplicates or stuff they won't like

Boomboom22 · 12/04/2023 07:18

Yanbu at all. If they are so lazy and don't know your kids at all, and won't ask them , they want the glory but you to do the work. Fuck that.

lipstickwoman · 12/04/2023 07:18

Do they live close by and see the children often? It's difficult to know interests or what they have already if not. Is this why they deliver straight to you? Ordering online to then wrap it and post it again is silly.

If none of this is relevant could you just say 'art stuff' or 'Lego'.

Sirzy · 12/04/2023 07:18

personally I think it makes much more sense the way they are doing it. It ensures it’s a present they want and will be used rather than something just because.

Roundaboutabee · 12/04/2023 07:18

Most of my relatives and friends who buy for my children are like this. It’s really really hard.

And often when they get something it’s sent to our house and they ask if we can then wrap it up.

My two standard answers are now “a book that has won a recent children’s literature prize” (as we’re unlikely to have it and it’s likely to be good, although as children’s book prizes have been scrapped recently this is harder” or a book voucher.

then they complain that’s boring…

LolaSmiles · 12/04/2023 07:19

I don't see the problem to be honest and don't see the relevance of working full time to it either

You live with your children and know them better than anyone else. Sending some links means that the relatives know that they're getting something that the children will like and use.

We regularly find that we have a list of things that DC would like but we don't buy all of them. It takes less than a minute to send a relative a message saying here's a couple of links and to let us know what they choose so we can keep other relatives in the loop. If it doesn't work for you though then that's fine.

PuttingDownRoots · 12/04/2023 07:19

Pretty normal in our family. Stops duplication.

If necessary suggest vouchers for favourite shop.

Raggeo · 12/04/2023 07:19

Surely it's better this way as you will know what they want/need the most. I think YABU.

lemonsugarsnap · 12/04/2023 07:20

YANBU. Tell them to send some money if they don't know what to get and your DC can choose their own things.

Original poster
lucylantern · 12/04/2023 07:20

lipstickwoman · 12/04/2023 07:18

Do they live close by and see the children often? It's difficult to know interests or what they have already if not. Is this why they deliver straight to you? Ordering online to then wrap it and post it again is silly.

If none of this is relevant could you just say 'art stuff' or 'Lego'.

No they don’t live close by or see them that often. Maybe every couple of months.

I’d be happy to compromise and say “art stuff”, “dolls” but they won’t accept this they have to have the specific link.

OP posts:
Boomboom22 · 12/04/2023 07:20

Wow the responses on here just show people are materialistic rather than the thought and care!

Xmasbaby11 · 12/04/2023 07:21

It’s what happens in our family. Yes it’s more work for me but means the dc get something they want. They get enough random presents from their birthday parties.

Summerslimtime · 12/04/2023 07:21

I get this but just plan for it now. Its hard work, but better than receiving endless tat. Just allocate them some from the dc's list. Or it can be beneficial if they need new clothes, pyjamas, bag etc.

Albiboba · 12/04/2023 07:21

You’re making a drama out of nothing. It comes across like you trying to make it into some sort of test for the relative to prove how much they care for DC by picking a present but the reality is relatives who don’t have kids or who’s own kids are a totally different age just won’t know where to start. They just want the DC to get something they actually want and will make use out of.
Having a ‘bad run of illnesses’ is a really weird excuse for just saying DS is really into Lego/books/science at the minute.

YellowGreenBlue · 12/04/2023 07:21

I agree with you OP. It's hard enough for me to think of presents from me let alone from everyone else as well! If they don't want to duplicate and can't think of anything they can always give vouchers.

rampila · 12/04/2023 07:21

Oh I'd love this. My kids have Amazon gift lists that they top up during the year with things they want. Come birthdays or Xmas - if people ask I send them the list, obv sense checking with kiddos first they still want the stuff on it.
I also give the option of vouchers, so they can buy something big.
Beats them getting a load of tat they don't want

mamnotmum · 12/04/2023 07:22

I have posted a similar post before about my own bday. I feel like there is pressure to find your own gift and then send a link (or sometimes my mam will say 'oh if you've found what you want just buy it') I can't even say - I'd like some plain T-shirts. It has to be exact links.

Sometimes it's tiring finding something and I think people should either choose something themself or give money. X

Rewis · 12/04/2023 07:22

I already get told what to buy in the birthday invite. No room for surprises for the presentation. Except this aunty does additional presenet which is not pre approved! But to be fair, I like it when I'm told what to buy.

RagzRebooted · 12/04/2023 07:22

I get it. It's more mental load for you, even if does make sense. I have the same, though kids are teens now so I try to get them to send links rather than getting involved.
It's bad enough having to buy gifts for everyone, without having to do their shopping as well.

kezzielea · 12/04/2023 07:22

This is normal for my dh's family. They ask for links for presents but also expect us to ask, they wouldn't be happy with us buying something without asking. Most of them also get them delivered directly to our house. I just go along with it, I'm guessing it's quite normal for some.

dietcokelime · 12/04/2023 07:23

I think it makes sense if they don't see the DC often - if they spend lots of time finding something, to find out they already have the item / didn't like that anymore / you were getting it etc isn't it just easier (especially as you know exactly what DC will want!) to give them a list?

megletthesecond · 12/04/2023 07:23

Yabu. It stops duplication and waste of an unwanted present.
Wrapping it is definitely a pain though.

LolaSmiles · 12/04/2023 07:24

Wow the responses on here just show people are materialistic rather than the thought and care!
Far from it actually.

We try to be conscious with our consumption and avoid buying things for the sake of it, so value it when relatives would rather buy an item for DC that will be used rather than buying something that won't be used for the sake of giving a gift.

Relatives asking us if there's anything DC would particularly like IS showing thought and care.

Blinkingmarvellous · 12/04/2023 07:24

My kids (9 upwards) love a financial contribution but also make their own lists - I think they were about 7 when they started? Good for their IT skills. If younger you can have a nice snuggle on the sofa with a tablet and a search through amazon. Its the equivalent of looking at the argos catalogue....