Page 7 | Relatives want to know EXACTLY what to buy for DC’s birthday

lucylantern · 2023-04-12T06:14:46+00:00

We have two DC. Our close relatives insist that they want to buy birthday and Christmas presents but they can’t come up with any ideas. They keep on at us to send links to present ideas. It can’t just be general ideas, it has to be specific links to particular toys/games/whatever. We’ve said repeatedly that we’re happy for them to use their imagination/Google/phone our DC and ask for them what they’d like but they refuse. There is no backstory here, we have never been anything but grateful for presents they’ve bought in the past. They’ve said they don’t want to buy something the DC already have to which we’ve said that’s fine, once they’ve found something they can just double check with us but apparently that’s no good either. One of them even orders online and gets directly delivered to our house so we even have to wrap it for her. DC’s birthday is coming up and I’ve said I’m not doing it this year, I’ve had enough. They will just have to come up with their own ideas. We both work full time and have had a bad run of illness etc and l just don’t have time for this on top of everything else. Am I being unreasonable.

FrangipaniBlue · 12/04/2023 10:48

If you're conscious about what you consume, would rather have things DC use, consider gift giving to be an opportunity to focus on the recipients, and you've got a good relationship with your relatives then you probably find relatives asking for specifics a positive thing.

I'm all of those things and I DO find being asked for suggestions a positive thing.

What I object to is being asked to spend my time trawling the internet for an EXACT one in the EXACT size that's in stock and within their budget (that they haven't told me). The gift buyer could easily do all of that themself once I've given them a suggestion or ideas.

FrangipaniBlue · 12/04/2023 10:50

aSofaNearYou · 12/04/2023 10:29

I think you’re being UR. They are trying to make sure the gift is something your child wants and not a duplicate of what they have which seems pretty sensible to me.

Everyone keeps saying that, but it really doesn't answer why they need OP to go so far as to send specific links. A general "they're into X" should be enough to know that they would like it, and choosing something themselves THEN checking with OP if they already have it should prevent duplication.

If they won’t call your child and ask, why not get your child to call them - ‘grandad wants to know what to buy you for your birthday, can you call him and tell him what you want?’ It’s not that hard.

I think the problem is the assumption that the child will always "want" something in particular. My child isn't like that - she doesn't spend much time with other kids yet to see what kinds of things other kids have so she could not provide a list of things she wants, it would just be a load of garbled nonsense she's thought of on the spot. So yes it would be hard. There are loads of things my child would like if bought them, but nothing in particular she wants.

Exactly this!

LolaSmiles · 12/04/2023 10:52

What I object to is being asked to spend my time trawling the internet for an EXACT one in the EXACT size that's in stock and within their budget (that they haven't told me). The gift buyer could easily do all of that themself once I've given them a suggestion or ideas
I'd agree with you on that.
They should be up front with their budget, or be happy with a couple of options sent through that they can choose from/shop around for a decent price.

I'd be irritated if, after giving specific items, I was also expected to sort where it's in stock (probably several weeks after I sent the first link) and shop around for sizes. We're probably on the same page.

Zola1 · 12/04/2023 10:52

I literally send links to anyone who asks. It's so much easier and it takes something off my shopping list.
Now my daughter is older she sends the links to her grandparents etc.
My family do the same thing and send me links to what they want.
I don't think it's rude, I think its effective. Even my partner I send him an array of links and screenshots and he picks his favourites to buy me. Means everyone gets stuff they actually want.

dittbtdity · 12/04/2023 10:54

Gee, what's so fucking hard. Get the kids to find what they want online, assuming it's appropriate send the link to the family, when it arrives don't mess around with wrapping it, just give the kid the parcel as it arrived in the post. Job done. Everyone is happy.

zingally · 12/04/2023 10:59

YABU.

It can be difficult to know what kids like, especially when you're a bit out of touch with that generation, and maybe don't see those particular kids that often. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for exact items.

Blessedbethefknfruit · 12/04/2023 11:05

Bambi1609 · 12/04/2023 07:16

If it doesn't work for you then you are not being unreasonable.

I've set my kids up with an Amazon wishlist each that I add things to as and when I see that I know they would like and everyone is able to access that because I found that I was getting asked for ideas and when you've just used up your ideas yourself on them it was getting pretty stressful lol.

Pure genius

Miriam101 · 12/04/2023 11:20

Gosh I'd much rather our relatives do this than surprise us with things that the kids won't be interested in/already have. How long does it take to send a couple of links, seriously? Surely you must have a couple of things you know they'd like? What a problem to have!

aSofaNearYou · 12/04/2023 11:31

Surely you must have a couple of things you know they'd like?

Why is it so strange for the answer to this to be no? Besides just that I know she likes rainbows and unicorns, no I am not sitting on a hoard of specific ideas of things to get her that I could just easily fire out. It would be just as much effort for me to come up with something as it would for them to.

thecathasbeenfed · 12/04/2023 11:42

YANBU. I always found this irritating as I struggled to work out what DH and I were buying them without sorting out everyone else's gifts as well.

Thankfully our youngest two are now 11 and 13 and prefer money which is a whole lot easier.

Greentree1 · 12/04/2023 11:50

Used to happen to us, I would have great ideas for Bday, Xmas presents and I would end up having to let other relatives get them. It was very generous of them to want to buy nice presents and I appreciated it, but I would be left struggling to get something exciting for them myself. I also understood that they didn't want to end up duplicating things and were not so up on what children were into, single Aunts and Uncles and fairly elderly Grandparents. In some ways a nice problem to have, though infuriating at the time.

FiledAwayInABox · 12/04/2023 12:28

Why don't you suggest that your relatives don't buy any gifts and that they can treat the kids when they see them. That will relieve your 'mental load' and would be nice for the kids and the grandparents. The current situation seems so sour and negative. It's pointless.

My parents and my in laws did this. Its more meaningful and feels less transactional. My kids had plenty of toys anyway. I assume yours do too if it's so hard to think of things they want.

RampantIvy · 12/04/2023 12:38

As for not knowing clothes sizes etc which some people have mentioned, that’s pretty easy to rectify (just ask us).

Unfortunately, that doesn't always work, especially if you have a child who is taller and slimmer than average.

SIL used to buy age appropriate clothes for DD's birthday and Christmas. Trousers and long sleeved tops were always too short in the leg and the arm, and to get trousers long enough they would be too big on the waist. I did tell SIL every time, and ask her to provide gift receipts becasue DD has a summer birthday and the sales would start immediately afterwards.

@lucylantern I absolutely disagree with the concept that not knowing what to buy as a gift is being thoughtless and uncaring. Some people hate present buying. Some people, including me, have absolutely no idea about what to buy for children, and would rather give money than waste it on something they don't want or already have. Just buying tat for the sake of it is thoughtless and bad for the environment.

SheilaFentiman · 12/04/2023 12:46

aSofaNearYou · 12/04/2023 11:31

Surely you must have a couple of things you know they'd like?

Why is it so strange for the answer to this to be no? Besides just that I know she likes rainbows and unicorns, no I am not sitting on a hoard of specific ideas of things to get her that I could just easily fire out. It would be just as much effort for me to come up with something as it would for them to.

Exactly this!

YANBU, OP. I find it hard enough to come up with ideas for specific gifts for them myself, let alone for others. If I'm pleased to have thought of something, I'll give it to them from me!

At least relatives who have asked in the past will accept 'he likes minions' or 'a top for sport, please' and they are now teens, so money or vouchers are fine.

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 12/04/2023 12:49

I much prefer this, as it means i can give them something to buy off of the childrens list, tick it off and know they will get itm makes it much easier than not knowing what people are getting them and then getting duplicates etc

Orangebadger · 12/04/2023 12:51

I don't see the problem myself. I would far prefer they spend their money on something that will get used than waste it. I have to do this with my in laws, they don't live close so the time period when they see the kids, it's hard for them to keep up with their interests. We have just left then to get their own stuff, but the waste stressed me out far more as they got stuff that was really for younger kids, i.e chosen based on the last time they saw them!

SheilaFentiman · 12/04/2023 13:00

I suspect the difference between the YABUs and the YANBUs on this is how easy and/or how much headspace each poster has to think of gifts

e.g. "how long does it take to drop a link?" - no time at all, IF you have a bunch of ideas; ages if you don't. I will do a lot of Xmas shopping at the physical shops and get inspired by what I see, or maybe a friend will say what they got their DC and I'll think "aha!" rather than having a constant list of possibles in my head.

Elsamit · 12/04/2023 13:43

One of them even orders online and gets directly delivered to our house so we even have to wrap it for her.

I am guilty of this too. One of my DC lives quite a distance away so to me it makes sense to have larger items delivered directly there than have them delivered to me (free delivery from Amazon) then I have to pay the postage to forward them on. One gift was a three in one trike. That would have cost a small fortune to post on.

SheilaFentiman · 12/04/2023 13:46

To be fair, no one would wrap a trike :-D

CBAironing · 12/04/2023 13:49

I think you’re being ungrateful and selfish. They just want to get the gift right. Better than buying unwanted tat.

lotteloo · 12/04/2023 13:51

Yes you are being unreasonable. They are asking so your kids don't end up with the same stuff...
I think it's actually really kind. You can get your children to choose a few things from online and send a few links for them to choose.
I really don't see the issue here, you really do sound quite ungrateful.

Elsamit · 12/04/2023 13:53

SheilaFentiman · 12/04/2023 13:46

To be fair, no one would wrap a trike :-D

It was boxed and yes, I do know people who wrap large boxed gifts such as dolls' houses etc. 😂 I wouldn't personally but each to their own.

aSofaNearYou · 12/04/2023 13:54

SheilaFentiman · 12/04/2023 13:00

I suspect the difference between the YABUs and the YANBUs on this is how easy and/or how much headspace each poster has to think of gifts

e.g. "how long does it take to drop a link?" - no time at all, IF you have a bunch of ideas; ages if you don't. I will do a lot of Xmas shopping at the physical shops and get inspired by what I see, or maybe a friend will say what they got their DC and I'll think "aha!" rather than having a constant list of possibles in my head.

Yes, this.

Plus, people with older children struggling to understand that younger children don't always have a list of things they want, and can't easily just be made to pick some links online and send them over.

midnightblue12 · 12/04/2023 16:20

lotteloo · 12/04/2023 13:51

Yes you are being unreasonable. They are asking so your kids don't end up with the same stuff...
I think it's actually really kind. You can get your children to choose a few things from online and send a few links for them to choose.
I really don't see the issue here, you really do sound quite ungrateful.

Yep agree with this!

Goalhappy · 11/10/2023 09:53

Yes this really annoys me too! Presents are about the thought- what’s the point when you’re telling someone what to buy!
One year a relative kept asking so took something we were going to buy him off our list and said you can buy him this (he really wanted it) turns out they messed around and it went out of stock- then asked what else they can buy! So then he didn’t end up with even what he really wanted- from us or them! 🤦‍♀️