Relatives want to know EXACTLY what to buy for DC’s birthday

[lucylantern]

We have two DC. Our close relatives insist that they want to buy birthday and Christmas presents but they can’t come up with any ideas.

They keep on at us to send links to present ideas. It can’t just be general ideas, it has to be specific links to particular toys/games/whatever. We’ve said repeatedly that we’re happy for them to use their imagination/Google/phone our DC and ask for them what they’d like but they refuse.

There is no backstory here, we have never been anything but grateful for presents they’ve bought in the past. They’ve said they don’t want to buy something the DC already have to which we’ve said that’s fine, once they’ve found something they can just double check with us but apparently that’s no good either.

One of them even orders online and gets directly delivered to our house so we even have to wrap it for her.

DC’s birthday is coming up and I’ve said I’m not doing it this year, I’ve had enough. They will just have to come up with their own ideas. We both work full time and have had a bad run of illness etc and l just don’t have time for this on top of everything else.

Am I being unreasonable.

My sisters did this with DD on her last birthday but she is older. It was nice for them to have a day out together. I think both mine when little would have loved to be taken to choose and buy their present with family and have a hot choc or treat out. Only problem may be if they are very young and don't understand they can't ask for the £50 Lego set!

I totally get the mental load especially if kids are small and they already have so many toys or there are a lot of people asking. But if it's hard to choose an extra thing yourself wouldn't it be hard for someone else too? My friend with a large family on both sides wished more would simply put money into the kids accounts as they would get so much stuff. She wouldn't have felt it uncaring to do that. The givers though wanted to give presents to the kids and see them unwrapped etc. can understand both sides.

"One of the relatives doesn’t like buying things from Amazon and has refused to do this in the past! But you’re right this could be a good way forward."

Then you say see if Argos have it then but that's what he wants. It's really not hard.

I do try to add things to a list when I see them/think of them.

I think unless you have relatives like this maybe it's hard to understand. I think it's that it doesn't feel 'thoughtful' or 'useful' or anything. It FEELS like they can't be arsed doing anything except putting in credit card details, and expect me to do every other aspect of it.

I don't think it makes me a bad person for me to want them to make a small amount of effort to buy their grandchildren something.

One year they took DS to Smyths and let him choose - everyone loved that, so maybe I could suggest that again.

No, the opposite to this. Much better to get specific things they will definitely play with, read, use etc, than something that will sit there and then has to be disposed of. We always get specifically asked for things in our family. And most gifts are for experiences, days out

I'm with you - I hate it.

It's the thought that counts - so put some bloody thought into it!!!!!!

Plus, if all they get is stuff I think is good then that's a bit of a present bubble and they might be missing out enjoying loads of stuff which I think is crap / pointless but might be a surprise hit.

I've bought plenty of dud presents which I thought they'd get loads out of but have just sat on the shelf.

Equally clothes / sweets I wouldn't buy but others might.

I wish my family would do this. My in laws do and it means the children always get presents they wanted, whereas my lovely mum puts hours of effort in to choosing and is often a bit wide of the mark or gives duplicates. It’s such a shame!

I keep a list on my phone all year round of things I’ve seen or thought of that they’d like so when requests come in it’s easy.

I've bought plenty of dud presents which I thought they'd get loads out of but have just sat on the shelf.

Yes, this too! I’m not the present oracle, sometimes it would be nice to have ideas/research from others on what might be good for them.

This drives me nuts too. I have to think of just the right gift in the right price range that they will enjoy giving the kids. I’d be quite happy if family wanted to run present ideas by me to avoid duplicates. The worst this year was my dad who likes to be told what to buy but never even bought the assigned present! It was something Dc wanted and needed and I would have bought for a present if I’d known he wasn’t getting it.

I’d be happy to compromise and say “art stuff”, “dolls” but they won’t accept this they have to have the specific link.

But you wouldn't really want them to have duplicates of dolls they already have, would you? And the danger of art stuff is that they get loads of, say, water paints which they will never get around to using.

That's what happened in our family too.
No disappointed DC on Christmas and birthdays.

Ah, but the difference is that its your mum that does it, whereas in KnittingNeedles' case, it is her MIL 😉

As for not knowing clothes sizes etc which some people have mentioned, that’s pretty easy to rectify (just ask us).

I think I have pretty great taste in clothes, but my 8 year old niece would be absolutely horrified if I chose her something I liked. She’d be even more horrified if her grandmother chose something.

I once tried taking her clothes shopping the week before Christmas and I was horrified at what she chose. I text her mum a photo before committing to the purchase and she said no. We ended up with a garish wearable blankety thing and a giant rainbow unicorn pillow. Both items were ghastly and I’d never have chosen them. Her mother knew she’d have liked them and had already bought something similar and they were wrapped up under the tree.

I think a lot of people are missing the point!

Yes it's good that the relatives want to make sure DC get something they will like and not a duplicate and that's really thoughtful.

But that doesn't equate to needing a specific link to a specific item that the OP has spent time researching on their behalf

What's wrong with OP being able to say "DC like unicorns and have mentioned they'd like a t-shirt" and relative then putting their own time and effort into finding a unicorn t-shirt in the right size and within their budget?

The fact they expect OP to do the legwork and refuse to accept "ideas" suggests they ARE being lazy.

A poster up thread hit the nail on the head - the relative wants all the glory (look what Nanna/Grandpa got me!!!) but with minimal effort on their part.

THATS what's annoying.

(I get it OP, I have a fairly none fussy teen who if asked will say things like "some Nike tops". But we have relatives who need to know exactly WHICH Nike tops. If I push him he will send me a link but invariably it's the first website he has found and he won't have checked if they actually have his size. I then get a message back from relative "there's none in his size size". Ok, so google the item and find it on another website. No, they expect me to do that. It's exhausting!!!)

I'd much rather be asked for specific things. I don't want duplicates or unsuitable stuff, it's a waste of their money.
What does slightly annoy me is when I'm expected to wrap the gift, but it's only a couple of times a year so no big deal.

If you don't like it then say no to them as long as you're grateful for whatever you end up getting from them. If they don't see the kids that often then they don't know them well enough to choose. They're showing they care enough to provide something wanted rather than any old shit for buyings sake.

Yes, YABU and a little ungrateful tbh.
You know your children the best, just set up a revolving Amazon wish list throughout the year and keep it updated or ask for premium bonds.

My MIL puts money in a card if that's any difference? I am also still extremely grateful 😅

YANBU it would do my head in if people asked this of me. I'd honestly rather a heartfelt card and nothing else than have something bought with zero thought behind it that I've had to do all the leg work for (though I'm sure a child would feel differently 🤣)

I'd like this, but I think that's personal choice! I mean we get a lot that are duplicates/he's not into so I actually love if anyone asks and do send a wish list/link

Would you consider an Amazon wish list then you can add stuff as and when and it's just there as a ready link for them to pick

I would say 'I don't have time to wrap so can you have it sent to yours please' If you don't have that time though! I have some relatives not local and don't mind wrapping for them, but people nearby generally I would think they can wrap and give themselves

You sound very entitled and unpleasant tbh

“Glory” from giving birthday presents?! show ridiculous 🤣

how about putting in a little effort to help dgc give dc presents they actually want. It should only take. few minutes, surely.

I wish my family did do this! It would save us having a load of duplicates and things we don't want or need. We have been given 2 of the exact same singing tractors as well as 11 others, 2 drawing pads, 3 train sets, 3 tents, about 75 dinosaur figures, duplicate books and 6 fire engines. I can see how being asked can be stressful but can't you just get the kids to write a list?

Again, missing the point!

Yes it only takes a few minutes to say "some Nike tops" or "a Bluey toy"

but in OPs case (and what usually happens to me) is that being rejected!

I then have to spend time looking for Nike tops, on websites that have them in stock, in the right size and then send those links on. They then don't get ordered straight away so a few weeks later I will get a message saying "those at out of stock can you send me another link/a different one" and so on it goes.

Can you really not see how that takes time and effort and is draining?

The "caring" thing when told "any Nike top" would be to say "brill thanks!" and then the RELATIVE putting the time and effort into finding a Nike top, in the right size, within their budget!

Not sure I understand what the problem here is? They'd like to get something your kids would like and play with and avoid duplicates. I love the people in my family who do this.
I'm afraid YABU as noone should be wasting time and money on unwanted and unnecessary stuff to create any more clutter.

I get this totally. It's so annoying, even though the buyer is well intentioned, it adds to my general load and I don't necessarily have a whole lot of ideas.
This is the solution at least for your eldest child: you tell the grandparent that the child themselves wants to talk to them about it. That way they can't say that they want an idea from you. It's a problem that goes away, with time, you just pass it on to the kids as they get older. Mine are now very good at sending links by email.

I once asked SIL for ideas for DN for Christmas and she sent me a screenshot of something she'd saved on her Amazon wish list.

When I tried to buy the item it was out of stock not just on Amazon but EVERYWHERE. At no point did I text SIL saying it was out of stock and could she find it somewhere else and send me a link.

I put the effort into looking for said item. I eventually found one but in a different colour, so I sent a brief message to SIL "it's sold out in colour X but I can get colour Y, that ok?" she replied "perfect!"

SIL gave me guidance on what DN would like but all of the effort in finding and buying the item was on my parts.

That's what thoughtful (non-lazy) gift givers do