Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Relatives want to know EXACTLY what to buy for DC’s birthday

199 replies

lucylantern · 12/04/2023 07:14

We have two DC. Our close relatives insist that they want to buy birthday and Christmas presents but they can’t come up with any ideas.

They keep on at us to send links to present ideas. It can’t just be general ideas, it has to be specific links to particular toys/games/whatever. We’ve said repeatedly that we’re happy for them to use their imagination/Google/phone our DC and ask for them what they’d like but they refuse.

There is no backstory here, we have never been anything but grateful for presents they’ve bought in the past. They’ve said they don’t want to buy something the DC already have to which we’ve said that’s fine, once they’ve found something they can just double check with us but apparently that’s no good either.

One of them even orders online and gets directly delivered to our house so we even have to wrap it for her.

DC’s birthday is coming up and I’ve said I’m not doing it this year, I’ve had enough. They will just have to come up with their own ideas. We both work full time and have had a bad run of illness etc and l just don’t have time for this on top of everything else.

Am I being unreasonable.

OP posts:
Number0ne · 12/04/2023 07:38

I dont see the issue. Just remember they are not doing it to get themselves a gift, they are doing it for your DC so they will have something they like....how can that possibly be a bad thing?

Original poster
lucylantern · 12/04/2023 07:38

Goatinthegarden · 12/04/2023 07:36

I think you’re being a bit unreasonable.

Between DH and I, we have several nieces and nephews of all ages. They live at all ends of the country, we see them a few times a year. We have no idea what toys and books they already own. We know all about their hobbies and clubs, but they’re fortunate enough to have what they need already. Some of them have piles and piles of toys already. If we see them around Christmas/Birthday then we take them for a treat day out and buy them something on the trip, but we both work full time and they all live hours away.

We don’t have kids, we don’t know about latest crazes or must have toys. I don’t want to buy something they hate. We don’t want to step on parents toes or buy something they don’t want them to have. We make sure to remember their birthdays and we budget for getting them something nice. Having said that, their birthdays are not the big events in our calendar that they are for their parents. I don’t think it’s uncaring to ask the parents who know them best what they would like.

I can see your point but on both sides these are the only grandchildren! So it’s literally just the two of them they have to buy for.

OP posts:
adularia · 12/04/2023 07:39

Mine are the same and not only that, they transfer money and I have to buy and wrap the presents too. This includes my parents. It’s a little sad but at least they get things I know they’ll like.

mynameiscalypso · 12/04/2023 07:39

I would love this. It's what my family do and means DS gets what he wants - I normally have a running list and dish items out to people as they ask. My ILs, on the other hand, just buy whatever they think DS might like so we end up with duplicates (they've even duplicated their own presents before), badly made rubbish and stuff that my DS doesn't use. It's such a waste of money.

Bonbon21 · 12/04/2023 07:39

As for the wrapping.. get cloth gift bags in various sizes and tie the tops with ribbons... then reuse.. for years!!

MikeWozniaksMohawk · 12/04/2023 07:40

We get this too from some relatives. What I particularly dislike about it is the way I have to second-guess their budget so I probably always underplay it to avoid looking grabby or presumptuous.

Bayleaf25 · 12/04/2023 07:40

At least if means they get something they want/need. If necessary just suggest clothes, something towards a hobby, cinema or day out voucher. Or even just say money and then put it in an account and kids will appreciate when they’re older.

RampantIvy · 12/04/2023 07:41

the reality is relatives who don’t have kids or who’s own kids are a totally different age just won’t know where to start.

I agree. When DD was little SIL always used to buy outfits for her that didn't fit and I had to ask her to start putting gift receipts in so I could return them.

My sister and I used to ask what the children wanted and Amazon the gifts to each other for wrapping. This was a much better option.

It has nothing to do with laziness, but everything to do with living hundreds of miles apart and not having a clue what the children wanted and not knowing what they already had.

So, YABVU.

Original poster
lucylantern · 12/04/2023 07:42

adularia · 12/04/2023 07:39

Mine are the same and not only that, they transfer money and I have to buy and wrap the presents too. This includes my parents. It’s a little sad but at least they get things I know they’ll like.

Oh yes we had this once too! Apparently “the website wasn’t working”.

It’s really interesting that some people are saying it’s because they care, honestly to me it just says they don’t care at all and just want to put as little thought and effort into it as possible 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
VivaLesTartes · 12/04/2023 07:44

I actually don't think they are unreasonable to ask ( probably better result for DC's) but I do agree with you that it's irritating. I have family members that do this and I feel like it's hard enough coming up with gifts from me I shouldn't have to do it for someone else.
Tbh We probably hold on to the idea of a "surprise" present a bit too much. They should just ask your DC's and cut out the middle man.

00100001 · 12/04/2023 07:44

Another vote for a wishlist on Amazon or similar

Original poster
lucylantern · 12/04/2023 07:44

VivaLesTartes · 12/04/2023 07:44

I actually don't think they are unreasonable to ask ( probably better result for DC's) but I do agree with you that it's irritating. I have family members that do this and I feel like it's hard enough coming up with gifts from me I shouldn't have to do it for someone else.
Tbh We probably hold on to the idea of a "surprise" present a bit too much. They should just ask your DC's and cut out the middle man.

Yes, my eldest DC is now old enough for them to phone and ask but they won’t do that 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
00100001 · 12/04/2023 07:45

Or start sending links for really expensive things like brand new iPads

WhatNoRaisins · 12/04/2023 07:45

I can see both sides here to be honest.

Maybe we should just limit who we give presents to in the first place. I remember one Christmas my DH and BIL both asking each other what they wanted, both really struggling for what to ask the other and then having to go to the trouble to locate and wrap presents that neither really wanted. Seemed like such a pointless exercise that no one got any pleasure out of.

adularia · 12/04/2023 07:45

lucylantern · 12/04/2023 07:42

Oh yes we had this once too! Apparently “the website wasn’t working”.

It’s really interesting that some people are saying it’s because they care, honestly to me it just says they don’t care at all and just want to put as little thought and effort into it as possible 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

I feel like that too. It feels like they don’t care enough to put any effort or thought into it.

It’s definitely the case with my family, it’s just an automatic transfer of money every year - and my DC are young too, and still like toys.

MoltenLasagne · 12/04/2023 07:46

How old are your DC? Would they be able to go out with Grandparents to buy their gift? Some of my favourite memories as a child were being taken out to buy my presents.

My Grandma would take me to Waterstones and I'd have a budget and I'd feel so grown up choosing books and then having a hot chocolate and cake in the cafe. It was a real bonding time as well talking about my favourite books when I didn't see her very often.

RampantIvy · 12/04/2023 07:47

honestly to me it just says they don’t care at all and just want to put as little thought and effort into it as possible 🤷‍♀️

It doesn't say that to me at all @lucylantern. Honestly, if I had to buy presents for small children I rarely see today I wouldn't know where to start. You live with your children, and know their likes and dislikes, what clothes size they are and what they already have. This is nothing to do with laziness.

coodawoodashooda · 12/04/2023 07:47

Albiboba · 12/04/2023 07:21

You’re making a drama out of nothing. It comes across like you trying to make it into some sort of test for the relative to prove how much they care for DC by picking a present but the reality is relatives who don’t have kids or who’s own kids are a totally different age just won’t know where to start. They just want the DC to get something they actually want and will make use out of.
Having a ‘bad run of illnesses’ is a really weird excuse for just saying DS is really into Lego/books/science at the minute.

Yeah. Nonsense. Just do it.

Number0ne · 12/04/2023 07:48

If it annoys you this much and you think it means they don't care, just tell them no more gifts and let your kids go without then? Why keep accepting gifts if this is how you feel about it?

A few of our family members do this when it comes to our DC and we are grateful for it because they get something they really wanted instead of potentially something that won't be used. My family are very caring.

Indiaplain · 12/04/2023 07:49

I have this too, although what annoys me more is that MiL always asks me, not DH. I do try and think of something, but the mental load here is not only thinking of something your DC will like but also something that is within what you anticipate their budget might be, easy to order etc.

I actually wish MiL just made an effort to talk to her GC when we see them and get to know them and what they enjoy. She usually just talks to myself and DH and doesn't really engage with the DC much beyond 'how is school'

KnittingNeedles · 12/04/2023 07:49

I used to have this with my inlaws. You can't just say "get them a jigsaw" or "a Hollister hoodie", you had to tell them the exact item.

Over the years they have got lazier and lazier, it started with them demanding the exact item and then buying it, then progressed to asking us to buy the item and wrap it, then them just sending money in a card so the child can buy the thing themselves, and now they just put money straight into whoever's bank account.

It sucks ALL of the joy out of occasions like Christmas and birthdays. DH says "MIL and FIL have transferred us £50 for your birthday". So then I have to actively decide to go and buy myself a present, or more commonly just say "that's nice" and see the money absorbed into the general household spends.

Beamur · 12/04/2023 07:50

My PIL did this.
Very generous but zero imagination or empathy! They had no idea what to get anyone.

Number0ne · 12/04/2023 07:51

KnittingNeedles · 12/04/2023 07:49

I used to have this with my inlaws. You can't just say "get them a jigsaw" or "a Hollister hoodie", you had to tell them the exact item.

Over the years they have got lazier and lazier, it started with them demanding the exact item and then buying it, then progressed to asking us to buy the item and wrap it, then them just sending money in a card so the child can buy the thing themselves, and now they just put money straight into whoever's bank account.

It sucks ALL of the joy out of occasions like Christmas and birthdays. DH says "MIL and FIL have transferred us £50 for your birthday". So then I have to actively decide to go and buy myself a present, or more commonly just say "that's nice" and see the money absorbed into the general household spends.

Seems quite an ungrateful way of looking at a gift of £50. Someone has put money in your bank fgs. My Mum does this and we are so grateful, why the hell wouldn't we be!

closethegyyt · 12/04/2023 07:52

I ask this of my friend because I don't have a clue what her son is In too
I would rather not waste money on something he doesn't like
Don't understand the issue tbh

Awoooga · 12/04/2023 07:53

YABU - my friend has Amazon wishlists for her kids so I buy off that. Saves them chucking or giving away stuff they don’t want or probably already have. I know they like Lego, but I don’t know them well enough to know every single set they’ve ever been bought.

Swipe left for the next trending thread