Relatives want to know EXACTLY what to buy for DC’s birthday

[lucylantern]

We have two DC. Our close relatives insist that they want to buy birthday and Christmas presents but they can’t come up with any ideas.

They keep on at us to send links to present ideas. It can’t just be general ideas, it has to be specific links to particular toys/games/whatever. We’ve said repeatedly that we’re happy for them to use their imagination/Google/phone our DC and ask for them what they’d like but they refuse.

There is no backstory here, we have never been anything but grateful for presents they’ve bought in the past. They’ve said they don’t want to buy something the DC already have to which we’ve said that’s fine, once they’ve found something they can just double check with us but apparently that’s no good either.

One of them even orders online and gets directly delivered to our house so we even have to wrap it for her.

DC’s birthday is coming up and I’ve said I’m not doing it this year, I’ve had enough. They will just have to come up with their own ideas. We both work full time and have had a bad run of illness etc and l just don’t have time for this on top of everything else.

Am I being unreasonable.

It's nothing new, I had to give the argos reference number to my grandmother as a kid myself.

Just do it, makes life simpler and no bad feelings. I usually found a science kit or two that were suitable whenever my mil asked, ok it was partly because she hated buying educational stuff but my dd is autistic and preferred science kits to toys.

Why are you ignoring everyone's suggestion of the kids creating their own Amazon wish lists? It's just the modern equivalent of circling things in the Argos catalogue. This gas always happened.

And why you want them to get the thing delivered twice is beyond me. Makes no sense whatsoever.

Amazon wish list here too. It can also be quite good to get people to club together and buy one bigger present by buying Amazon vouchers. We got a ninja line for the garden for example. DS has asked for a Nintendo switch next birthday so wish list has that and some games.

Sorry I think you're being unreasonable, it's so hard to buy for others kids, you don't know what they have/want etc 🤷 it can't be that hard to send them a link to something!

Yes, I get this!

People have made comments about not knowing about what the children might be into, but they’re their own grandchildren not just some random kids who live in another town.

As for not knowing clothes sizes etc which some people have mentioned, that’s pretty easy to rectify (just ask us).

I would much rather have this than unwanted gifts/duplicates and you only have to read the threads on here about how 'disappointed' adult women are if there DH doesn't buy them a lovely present .
Just be firm with the money/vouchers idea if you really don't want the hassle of sending a link or wrapping something.
My DS has always appreciated financial gifts .. he saved up and it's made a real difference now he's at Uni.

Seems quite an ungrateful way of looking at a gift of £50. Someone has put money in your bank fgs. My Mum does this and we are so grateful, why the hell wouldn't we be!

Because it's zero effort and utterly lacking in thought/care. Buying gifts is about showing you care about the person you are buying for and have put time/effort into buying something you think they will like. Inlaws - who are not by any stretch of the imagine busy people - are not prepared to make that effort.

Dh has small grandchildren who have enough toys for a toyshop. We just put money in their bank accounts.
Certainly not spending £50 on something which isn't needed.

I suppose it depends how many people you have to send these link to. I send links to things to my sibling and my DM for my two children. It doesn't take me long to browse a couple of websites and find a couple of bits as I know them way better, I know what they have and I appreciate it's then less that I have to fork out for! MIL just gives a 20 which goes in their piggy bank as presents aren't her thing.

My own mother used to be sent money from all her family as they lived 5 hours away, she had to go to the town to the shops as there was no internet 30 years ago, pick the presents, buy the wrapping paper out of her own money, etc, this went on for over a decade. We all have it much easier today even if we do have to wrap a box which is left on our doorstep.

I understand what you are saying when you are super busy at work and with a family life. I find christmas worse as I get nagging texts asking for ideas for me, DH and the kids. And I have started to get the ‘actually would you mind buying it and wrapping it’. When you are getting the same from various relatives, on top of everything else you have to get done, it gets a bit much.

My kids have started making a list on Notes on their phones and sharing it with me. I then make sure I save the ideas which are easy links to pass on to the relatives and I buy the presents which require some thought from me.

it is tricky though. With older relatives, if they do go off piste, they tend to get it wrong and buy something too babyish. So you can’t win really.

One of the relatives doesn’t like buying things from Amazon and has refused to do this in the past! But you’re right this could be a good way forward.

I'm with the grandparents. I'd far rather be given a specific idea for a present that'll be used. Kids have so much stuff that I find it hard to buy for my own, let alone other people's. My nieces ask for things I've never heard of but are thrilled to receive. I don't wrap Amazon presents, the kids just open the box. Getting free postage also means I spend more on the gift.

The other way causes its own issues. My in-laws love picking out presents but don't really listen to the answer when they ask for ideas, or go totally off piste. Doesn't matter when the kids are older but sometimes you've given an idea of something your child really wants and they're disappointed with a random substitute.

We've had a pile of weird and wonderful presents over the years (miniature 500 piece jigsaw anyone?) which have gone straight to the charity shop and I feel bad that they've wasted their money on things the kids won't use. Plus it's not very environmentally friendly. So I'd far rather buy something I know the child will want and use.

I hate this too. I work full time, have 2 young kids, no free time etc. I already juggle all the mental load and being made to be responsible for all the thinking for birthdays and Christmas for everyone else too drives me mad.

I do it though because ultimately I know the kids will get what they want then but I wish I didn't have to. Especially grates because they could just ask the kids themselves and have all the free time going.

It is fine. They don’t want to waste money on stuff. It’s actually thoughtful as they want something to be enjoyed. It doesn’t take long to save some links. If it’s an issue ask for vouchers?

I prefer it when people ask. ThT way at least I know that they are going to get something they will enjoy. Otherwise we end up with Lego and they hate Lego and it literally gets thrown away!

Like the idea of an Amazon wish list from a PP!

Just try and change your perspective OP. They care enough to want to get them something they will love.

That’s normal in my family, my brother sends me links for my nephew as he’s got so many toys and might aswell get the one they’ve found for him. I did the same when mine were younger and my friends and I do this too

Honestly, grandparents can’t win. If they tried and bought the wrong thing I bet you’d be grumping about that.

YABU and ungrateful. If your really can’t be bothered with wish lists, just ask for money in a savings account or vouchers.

I know my nephews well (as in take them to school a few times a week well!) I still ask my sister for ideas for presents, or the older ones will tell me what they would like.

i know them well enough I could guess what they would like but why when I can make sure I get them exactly what they want?

Same. How do you not have time to copy and paste a link to something your child likes? Surely this is a much better way of doing things.
YABU.

My in laws do exactly this. I try my best to be grateful and look on the best side of it but they harass and harass and harass for EXACT links to the EXACT thing for ages beforehand. I'd much rather say 'any bluey toy' or 'any football goals' or something but no, it has to be that has researched it all and sent it. If it doesn't meet the required spend criteria I have to send more ideas.

I have 3 children and I'm trying to organise their birthday and work etc. Just Google something yourself! I've tried to suggest either vouchers or paying for a class or a day trip or something but it HAS to be toys.

They are generous financially which is amazing but it's stressful for me to facilitate and they don't listen to any suggestions that might make it a little easier.

YABU and petty.

I'm not sure sending a link to a present counts as 'mental load'.

Rather than making this a negative situation why don't you turn it into something fun and positive. Get the kids to choose something from Amazon that their grandparents can buy them - have fun with it and let the kids enjoy choosing and sending the link.

Or is there some backstory.....

I agree with you OP. Gifts should say something to the child about the giver. Some of my favourite things I remember getting as a child were things that reminded me of the person who gave me them, e.g. an uncle who lived abroad sent me a Winter Olympics mascot teddy from his country, or my grandpa would build me things out of wood that he'd think I'd like, or my grandma would buy me my own wooden spoon so that I could have a special spoon to use at her house when we did our baking. That kind of thing. Small but meaningful. Things that I didn't know I wanted, but when I got them I treasured them because they were from my special people.

Some thought should go into it from the gift giver. Its not your job.

Send them the £50 back then. They've sent you money, that is your perception that it lacks in thought and care. If they don't know what to get you and they go and waste £50 on some shit that you'll never use, you'd also criticise them I imagine. My Mum asks if theres anything I'd like and if there's nothing I come up with she sends me money. I add this money to other gifted money and buy myself something I otherwise wouldn't have. There's is nothing thoughtless about that, the people who gifted money individually contributed to something bigger.

I'm a lone parent. Honestly, it doesn't sound too stressful. I'd suggest getting it done early on so they don't worry and annoy you by repeatedly asking.

This is EXACTLY my situation! Right down to suggesting vouchers etc but that being refused.

And I know the kids would be happy with “any Bluey toy” or the equivalent as well. I guess some kids do have their heart set on very specific things but mine aren’t really like that. But I can’t give them general ideas it has to be links to specific toys.