Relatives want to know EXACTLY what to buy for DC’s birthday

[lucylantern]

We have two DC. Our close relatives insist that they want to buy birthday and Christmas presents but they can’t come up with any ideas.

They keep on at us to send links to present ideas. It can’t just be general ideas, it has to be specific links to particular toys/games/whatever. We’ve said repeatedly that we’re happy for them to use their imagination/Google/phone our DC and ask for them what they’d like but they refuse.

There is no backstory here, we have never been anything but grateful for presents they’ve bought in the past. They’ve said they don’t want to buy something the DC already have to which we’ve said that’s fine, once they’ve found something they can just double check with us but apparently that’s no good either.

One of them even orders online and gets directly delivered to our house so we even have to wrap it for her.

DC’s birthday is coming up and I’ve said I’m not doing it this year, I’ve had enough. They will just have to come up with their own ideas. We both work full time and have had a bad run of illness etc and l just don’t have time for this on top of everything else.

Am I being unreasonable.

@HikingforScenery I think you need to learn what ‘entitled’ means.

This. Surely it takes longer to post on MN than to send links to a couple of things your children like.
When my children were young I knew exactly what they wanted and once they became teenagers they just wanted money.
The alternative is that they buy ‘surprises’ like my dad did. This translates to £100 of tat.

It's such a small problem, the time and energy spent creating this thread is surely more than sending a couple of links.

Is it your DP's or your ILs ? .. if it is ILs then tell your DH to sort it out.

You have some options .. carry on as you are, ask for vouchers or cash (if they say 'we want to buy a toy' just be firm and say the DC have far too many toys (which seems true for most DC) .. or start a 'no present policy'.

I make this point a lot on here ... I manage a charity shop and the amount of unwanted presents, toys, gifts etc we are donated is horrific .. good for the charity of course, but clearly lots of people are buying things that just aren't wanted.

My in laws are like this and it irritates me because I didn't grow up like this. Presents were always a surprise and now I have to send links and most of the time I have to buy it and they send me the money when they can. But yes, I'm buying it, wrapping it up and giving DC presents from them. They live 5 minutes away btw.

YABU

I understand what you’re saying but them asking for specific things to give is not as tedious as you’re making it out to be.

You talk about the mental load but considering they don’t see the children often, they want to be sure that they are giving the children what they like/want and what is suitable.

In our case, we make a list (out of necessity due to past gifts) for our children and ask weeks before Birthdays and Christmases for the other nieces and nephews because we live 5+ hours away so see them 3-4 times a year and with our own 8 yo who is autistic and puts small items in his mouth, a lot of toys and games are not suitable. We also have a 5 yo and the gifts he has received in the past were not only too young but we already had so I was the one having to donate and get rid of things, adding onto another errand that I didn’t want or need. I’m still clearing things out and the work mentally and physically is more than just thinking up a list and sending links.

Relatives really can't win. They're either putting no thought or effort into gift buying or they want to know exactly what to buy! I'd much prefer they bought something that was wanted or was going to get used. Just tell them not to buy anything in future, that way you don't have to bother thinking about it. Then that'll be annoying too cos those awful Relatives never buy gifts for your kids.

No, tell the grandparents that if they're going to send the gifts directly they need to come gift-wrapped. That's the least they can do.

I get annoyed by this too as I don't want to assume budget 😅 It stresses me out. We're also on the other side of it where we get told exactly what to buy for certain relatives and it annoys me as it's always something for £50-£70... which is more than we would spend on any one individual present for our own kids of a similar age. Ugh.

Sorry, not helpful but at least you're not alone in finding it annoying!

We have always done this - pre internet DC used to browse through catalogues Argos, index? Etc and I just sent page and item number to relatives
Amazon wish lists are still used by some family members others just send a link or give cash or vouchers
I just buy surprises, stocking fillers and edible presents makes shopping much easier
Even though we are all adults now Lego is still a big hit - I bought DS the wave for most recent birthday and they clubbed together and bought me the boutique hotel for mine

I'm starting to wonder whether how people view this says more about their relationships with family and their attitude to gift giving/shopping than it does the specifics of organising gifts.

If you're conscious about what you consume, would rather have things DC use, consider gift giving to be an opportunity to focus on the recipients, and you've got a good relationship with your relatives then you probably find relatives asking for specifics a positive thing. After all it shows they care and want to make sure that the gift they get is right for DC.

If you view gift giving as a chore to get out the way, find it impossible to think of gifts for your own children, frame it as mountains of mental load, would rather give a general area and hope for the best, think any present is fine as long as there's a present, and view your relatives negatively or as lazy, then you're probably going to hate relatives asking for specifics. After all, how hard is it to find something with a particular children's character on and wrap it?

My family do this and I have to agree with you that it’s stressful and feels like a lot of effort on my part. I have 5 relatives who ask for specific links, multiplied by 3 DC and me and DH equals 25 gifts I need to come up with at Christmas in addition to the present from us and the Santa present. Strangely, they all ask me what I want but also ask me what DH wants, instead of asking him? 🤷🏻‍♀️ Then we get to birthdays, which for my family are the months that surround Christmas, so it really all happens at once.

Then there are the additional demands from certain relatives - the in laws only want to give practical things and no plastic. I have tried keeping a list throughout the year but my DC really don’t want or need that much stuff. I have suggested money/vouchers and my mum is finally coming round to that, but only for birthdays, not Christmas.

With our gifts to them or their children, I always say I’ve seen something that I think they/their child will like which I will get unless there is something else they specifically want. I do this because I think it feels nice that someone is trying to think what you would like and saves the potential burden of coming up with gift ideas. That’s the way round gift giving is supposed to work, to make the receiver feel seen and valued. Mostly, they take me up on my own gift idea. But for some reason, they don’t realise that this could work the other way round. In fact, some of my own relatives get quite snippy if there is a delay in replying to their request for a specific gift link.

So I don’t know the solution, OP, but I feel your pain. For me, I don’t want to be rude to people who want to buy my DCs and me and my DH gifts. But it just feels like a big source of stress and co-ordination. I’ve tried saying to DH that he needs to think of the gifts from his side of the family, but he leaves replying to the last minute then just comes to me and asks what I’ve told other people and asks me what he should tell his family!

I’m always relieved when it gets to February and I get a whole 7months off before being asked again what to buy!

I think your argument can be spun quite easily to the contrary.

I don’t think gift giving is a chore to get out of the way. I like picking out things that will make people feel seen and appreciated.

Being asked for specific gift links makes me feel like me and my children are a burden and a chore.

I think it's fine to ask if there's something in particular the child wants - but quite often there isn't. If the parent says no to this question, but the kid likes dinosaurs/dolls/art, people should just roll with that rather than push for the parent to come up with a specific link.

They've already answered you - there isn't a specific gift the child wants. So either way, somebody needs to just have a think and come up with a nice surprise. There's no reason why that should be the parent instead of the gift giver.

I think this is what it comes down to for me, but I’m sentimental. The DC sometimes say things about gifts down the line which suggest the items are special to them because of who gave them - but it was me that chose/ bought the item so it feels a bit strange.

LongLostTeacher
I kind of see what you mean, but it's still taking your view of gift giving and assuming other people have the same intent.
You're assuming that that someone wanting to get something right, that means they view you and your children as a chore.

Why would someone wanting to get a gift right for someone equal them viewing the recipient as a chore?

I think YABU, our family all do this. The children are asked to write birthday / Christmas lists and then I send it round, with links if possible. I think you are overthinking it all.

My family all care for each other but it’s still very difficult to know what to buy for children, it’s better for them to get something they like rather than something they don’t like or already have - and then anyway I would have the mental load of working out what to do with it afterwards (sell it? Charity shop?).

My Dad always gave them money in an envelope which they liked, and when they were young I put it in a bank account for them and they now have a savings built up. He didn’t know them very well, so admitted he would have no idea what to buy them. Probably a generational thing - he didn’t know how to talk to children - which was a shame but no point stressing over it.

Another idea is Book tokens which my DCs also really like - we have a lovely book shop nearby so its a treat to go to the shop and be able to choose something.

Why not do Amazon wish lists? For the relative who doesn’t want to buy from Amazon, just say ‘here’s the DCs gift idea list, but obviously it’s fine for you to buy it from somewhere else’.

My mum usually sends the presents direct to me because she can’t walk far so finds it difficult to get to the post office. Also I agree, it’s crazy to pay for postage twice.

Some people on here seem very ungrateful. My Dad sent me a £100 cheque for my birthday and told me to ‘treat myself’. I thought it very kind of him, and spent it on some nice toiletries. How can someone giving you money be uncaring?

Why would they need to get duplicate gifts or stuff they won't like? They just check something is suitable before

Yes but why wouldn't they just accept when you tell them that there is no one thing they want, so feel free to get creative?

I think you’re being UR. They are trying to make sure the gift is something your child wants and not a duplicate of what they have which seems pretty sensible to me.

If they won’t call your child and ask, why not get your child to call them - ‘grandad wants to know what to buy you for your birthday, can you call him and tell him what you want?’ It’s not that hard.

Or if you’re getting a big item (bike/games console etc), ask for a contribution towards it or accessory for it.

Asking them to take DC to toy shop to pick is also an excellent idea

I have a couple of relatives like this. It will pass! Up until mine were about 10, I kept a list throughout the year and sent something from there. If they didn't like that then I said, "Well that's what he wants, but do feel free to get something else - I have no further suggestions within budget". Then once they're older, it's either voucher, cash or pay towards a bigger present they want.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I get where you're coming from. It's not the time as such it's the responsibility. I get this at Christmas every year from my mum. It's even worse because she doesn't shop on line and the presents arent for my children, its my grandchildren (her GGC). I'm trying to think myself Mum. She'll also ask me when I'm 'going over' then gets annoyed at me for not taking her presents over.
It's got to the stage where its a real bug bear.
I get people want to buy something they'll like but I don't wanna do the thinking for them. Just stick £20 in the bank/card.

I think you’re being UR. They are trying to make sure the gift is something your child wants and not a duplicate of what they have which seems pretty sensible to me.

Everyone keeps saying that, but it really doesn't answer why they need OP to go so far as to send specific links. A general "they're into X" should be enough to know that they would like it, and choosing something themselves THEN checking with OP if they already have it should prevent duplication.

If they won’t call your child and ask, why not get your child to call them - ‘grandad wants to know what to buy you for your birthday, can you call him and tell him what you want?’ It’s not that hard.

I think the problem is the assumption that the child will always "want" something in particular. My child isn't like that - she doesn't spend much time with other kids yet to see what kinds of things other kids have so she could not provide a list of things she wants, it would just be a load of garbled nonsense she's thought of on the spot. So yes it would be hard. There are loads of things my child would like if bought them, but nothing in particular she wants.

Sounds fine to me, they get what they want rather than tons of crap they won’t use.
No idea y u would wrap them just let them take them out of the boxes.

I hate this.

my MIL never ever comes up with an idea. It’s so draining.

One year, she found my daughter’s ‘letter to Santa’ on the kitchen table and took a photo of it. The following week she told my husband she’d bought everything on the list.

it wasn’t a huge list, but it was everything DD wanted.

I was furious. I told him she’d have to take it all back because I’d already bought and wrapped exactly the same things.

I don’t see what’s wrong with asking. As a GP I’d much rather buy exactly what Gdcs would like, than make a guess. I’ve been only too pleased to be told exactly which Jurassic World dinosaur Gds wants, ditto Gdd a LOL doll.

If dd honestly doesn’t know, that’s different. As for vouchers, maybe good for older children but younger ones usually want presents to open, don’t they?