Relatives want to know EXACTLY what to buy for DC’s birthday

[lucylantern]

We have two DC. Our close relatives insist that they want to buy birthday and Christmas presents but they can’t come up with any ideas.

They keep on at us to send links to present ideas. It can’t just be general ideas, it has to be specific links to particular toys/games/whatever. We’ve said repeatedly that we’re happy for them to use their imagination/Google/phone our DC and ask for them what they’d like but they refuse.

There is no backstory here, we have never been anything but grateful for presents they’ve bought in the past. They’ve said they don’t want to buy something the DC already have to which we’ve said that’s fine, once they’ve found something they can just double check with us but apparently that’s no good either.

One of them even orders online and gets directly delivered to our house so we even have to wrap it for her.

DC’s birthday is coming up and I’ve said I’m not doing it this year, I’ve had enough. They will just have to come up with their own ideas. We both work full time and have had a bad run of illness etc and l just don’t have time for this on top of everything else.

Am I being unreasonable.

Presents are about the thought- what’s the point when you’re telling someone what to buy!

People who don't have children or people whose children have grown up really don't have a clue - and I count myself among the clueless.

It isn't fair to say that someone is not putting enough thought into a gift when they genuinely don't have a clue. Not everyone lives near to or is close enough to the recipient to know what they like or already have.

I'm with you, OP. I'm really happy to talk ideas when other people have them or look at lists/links/suggestions they have, but when the starting point is 'can you tell me what they want?" It's a no from me. Unless I already have ideas, in which case I'll give them, but otherwise I say "they'll be very pleased with whatever you choose or a voucher". I don't take it on as my job to decide for them

Yanbu op. Whatever happened to ‘it’s the thought that counts’? I think present buying has become so transactional; relatives just want to tick the present box and get that chore done with. Getting me to do the thinking and wrapping for them makes it easier for them. Box ticked with minimal effort. I end up buying extra presents for my kids at Christmas and just labelling some “from grandpa”, “from auntie Katy” etc. Sometimes the relatives remember to reimburse me the cash, sometimes they don’t.

But it’s not about the money. Neither me nor them are short of cash, so that’s neither here nor there really. It’s about the fact that the present ‘from’ these people isn’t actually from them at all, because there’s been zero input from them beyond them knowing that presents are something one does at Christmas and asking me to sort it for them.

Like others, my dc don’t have lists of stuff they want. If I ask them they’ll say they don’t know. So I have to come up with stuff, and that involves time spent scratching my head and scrolling through websites or physically trawling the shops. And like a pp beautifully put it, I’m not the ‘present oracle’ so I often get it wrong anyway.

One memorable Christmas my DDad even said to ds “I like your jumper, did you get that for Christmas?” A confused ds replied “Er, yes, from you?”

I had sent him a photo of it in advance, but it hadn’t really registered.

I think the whole point of the thought that counts means knowing what the family/recipient would like.

We do quite small Christmases and don't do lots of presents.

This means for me I'd much prefer someone to ask me for some specifics and buy one nicer gift than them look around for lots of odds and ends that are nice and thoughtful, but I actually don't need another microwavable comforter because my current one is fine and doesn't need replacing, and I wear my slippers until they wear through so don't want or need a pair of super fluffy wintery slippers. It would be much better to me if a relative said 'Lola, we know you use this skincare or hair range or body products, is there anything you're running low on or would you like us to take a punt". Either option there would work for me because I've discovered some nice products that way, and what's given is used and appreciated.

Where it's the thought that counts I always feel conflicted because I acknowledge that the giver has taken time to pick gifts, but also have a small feeling that they're giving gifts based on what they enjoy shopping for and how they would like to be gifted, rather than thinking "what approach would Lola value"

Late to the thread but wanted to say you are not unreasonable! I’ve had this with my mum since my daughter (8 yo) was born. Every birthday and Xmas for myself, daughter and partner, I’ve had to find specific things and send links and be mindful of budgets! It starts in September leading up to Xmas everytime I see mum for present ideas. I’ve told her anything is fine, but not good enough! I’ve stopped telling her what we’re getting our daughter for Xmas and birthdays because she’ll say “oh that sounds good I’ll get her that!” 🙄

On the other hand, my mil doesn’t ask and gets dd tat. She bought dd a tablet when she was 1 and didn’t like it when I said she might be too young for it.

the mental load of being a mother is a lot nevermind sorting everyone else’s shopping for Xmas!

Haha it’s funny to see this thread resurrected just as I start getting the requests again in the lead up to Xmas!

I’ve now come to a new arrangement with MIL (the worst culprit!), I think it was suggested on this thread! I don’t give her ideas anymore and instead she will take them to Smyths and they pick what they want.

Once they’re a bit older it will be vouchers all the way!

My in laws do this, I do think sometimes it’s a faff and why can’t they think themselves but actually this way I can link them to something I know won’t be wasted or say in the back of a cupboard so I think it’s fine they do this it’s probably easier in the long run

Surely most kids have a wishlist of some sort for birthdays and Xmas. Can't be that hard to give relatives an idea of a gift that would be welcomed. Why all the angst?

Or if you're the relative asking, give the kids vouchers or cash towards whatever they want.

Surely most kids have a wishlist of some sort for birthdays and Xmas. Can't be that hard to give relatives an idea of a gift that would be welcomed. Why all the angst?

You would have thought so. Unless the relatives regularly see the children it is unrealistic to expect them to know exactly what to buy for them. When my nephew and niece were growing up I would see them about twice a year because of distance. I wouldn't know what books and toys they already had or what size clothes to buy them..

How old are your children, op? Can't they just say what they'd like if you asked them, or are they very young toddlers?

I love that my in laws do this! Even the extended family. I found it a bit taxing at first, trying to think of exact presents from everyone and send the links. But then I realised its the perfect cost cutting exercise for us! When my children make birthday or Christmas wish lists, I designate different items to the family members that ask.
Get organised and you will soon realise what a blessing this is financially!

If they are, you must pick the stuff they get from Santa / for birthdays yourself anyway, so you know what they'd like and what they already have.
I'm baffled that it's such a big ask, frankly?

Oh my kids grandparents on both sides do this 🙈. It's infuriating! One of them even gets me to send her the links for stuff then order it to be delivered to her house 😡. At least I don't have to wrap it.

Would you rather that they wasted their money on something entirely unsuitable then?

I have no idea what my DN likes anymore. At an age when clothes are more of an issue or they're too old for many toys but not too old for toys altogether.

I'd rather mum told me exactly what they want.

Ffs it would take 5 minutes to ask you lr kid something they really want and text it to grandparents. They're not asking you to shop for it.

I know it's an old thread, but adding my voice to the chorus of people saying this is very normal. Kids' tastes change so quickly and they have so much stuff it's easy to duplicate.

@RampantIvy no obviously not. Happy to give some pointers but don't expect to have to pick out the exact thing as well as order it!

@RampantIvy and to be honest, my kids grandparents live very close to us so I'd really like them to know them well enough to have a vague idea of what they may like!

Exactly!

We have two sets of nieces and nephews that we only see maybe 3 times a year now due to our own kids being in school and we live in SE England, them in NE England. Other nephews live in another country. I rather know what they want on their list (if they have them) and get it for them than have to guess and hope that I’m getting the right thing and not wasting money on something they don’t like, haven’t been into in ages, etc.

I wouldn’t expect my in-laws to know either about what our children would want automatically hence I rather let them know so they don’t waste money.

In the past, DS2 was receiving toys from FIL and MIL that were for much younger children (toys that were for babies and he’s 3-4) , which we already had as they were hand-me-downs from the oldest, despite us telling them what he likes and them seeing him on his birthday which is 12 weeks from Christmas.

Glad he doesn’t know the difference but I do think why ask us and then just ignore. Rather a book from the Works than a plastic shape sorter for a 3 yo or a wooden alphabet puzzle for a 4 yo who is already doing normal children’s puzzles.

I hate this, it's so lazy, just Google it, and having to wrap other people presents they've bought online really winds me up, I'd rather they didn't bother

Exactly! I consider that I know my grandchildren very well but even I couldn't keep track of which piece of Vtech, Star Wars merchandise, Lego Friends etc they had, so glad they're now old enough for folding money!

Get the kids to do am amazon list.

I feel for you op, my ils are the same, but I have to think of the gift, buy it and wrap it. Then they usually forget to ever pay me for it, even when I remind.

they just cba

DD has an Amazon wishlist, she sits with me or her dad and adds things to it every now and again and does a review about a month before birthday/Xmas to remove anything she's changed her mind about.

It's got things ranging from £1 up to about £50 on it and she knows that she won't get everything on there, it's just a place to store a list of stuff she likes.

Any family members who want the list have it and can pick and choose anything off the list or go off list and get something else entirely but with the list as inspiration.

It's always worked well for us and MIL in particular loves it.