Relatives want to know EXACTLY what to buy for DC’s birthday

[lucylantern]

We have two DC. Our close relatives insist that they want to buy birthday and Christmas presents but they can’t come up with any ideas.

They keep on at us to send links to present ideas. It can’t just be general ideas, it has to be specific links to particular toys/games/whatever. We’ve said repeatedly that we’re happy for them to use their imagination/Google/phone our DC and ask for them what they’d like but they refuse.

There is no backstory here, we have never been anything but grateful for presents they’ve bought in the past. They’ve said they don’t want to buy something the DC already have to which we’ve said that’s fine, once they’ve found something they can just double check with us but apparently that’s no good either.

One of them even orders online and gets directly delivered to our house so we even have to wrap it for her.

DC’s birthday is coming up and I’ve said I’m not doing it this year, I’ve had enough. They will just have to come up with their own ideas. We both work full time and have had a bad run of illness etc and l just don’t have time for this on top of everything else.

Am I being unreasonable.

Money ??

Really don’t see what the issue is.

I would much much rather do this and the DC end up with exactly what they would like than a present they don’t actually want or won’t play with.

We birthday and Christmas lists in our family and it makes life so much easier.

My grandchildren are old enough to send their own requests via WhatsApp or I give them money. The gift is for their benefit not a test for me to show how thoughtful I am. My sister doesnt ask and always sends something completely unsuitable.

Yes exactly that. They’re all retired so have loads of time and I just think honestly how hard would it be for them to come up with a couple of ideas based on a general theme/conversation with their own grandchildren. I’m happy for them to double check with me that it’s not something they already have before they buy it.

Instead I have to come up with the idea, find a link to something in budget (and sometimes they then say “oh no not that” and I have to come up with an alternative!!) and wrap the present myself.

I’m thinking money/gift vouchers might be the way to go.

I think it makes total sense. Especially if they don’t see the children often enough to know exactly what they’re into.

They want to get something the child actually wants. Not a guess or something close to what they want. That’s not a bad thing.

DH’s family do Amazon lists. I found it a bit weird at first, but I love it now. Mine get what they want, they don’t get stuff they’ve already got or don’t need or want, plus I know what we’ve spent on other kids went on something they’ll actually love.

Far better than someone who doesn’t care imo.

Yeah, I think YABU. Sorry!

Having things delivered to your house makes sense, too. Otherwise it's twice the cost, twice the carbon footprint for delivery. Maybe next time you could ask them if the company have a wrapping service - many do and it's normally not much extra.

Also as soon as the DC are old enough they can make their own list

Does my head in too and I've got 3 DC. I have enough trouble working out what to get them myself let alone from 5 or 6 other people too! My youngest DC birthday is just after Christmas, double pain in the arse.

I think YANBU if you ain’t got time but I quite like this system, we’ve got a lot of kids in the family and we now all do this. We all work as well and tbh I’d rather people spent their money ( and me mine) on something the kids would use.

I know it’s a bit more work but it means less waste, as in, you don’t end up with a lot of stuff the kids will look at once then never again. I keep a list on my phone when the DC express an interest in something and then I pass it on. Someone said ‘you do the work and they get the glory’ which is true but on my DS’s recent birthday he was blown away by how good all his presents were and how everyone knew so much about his interests and had really thought about what he’d like (he’s a trusting soul 😂) so there are positives too!

Amazon wishlist! It's the easiest thing in the world!

My parents do this… works well for us 🙂

YABU, and making a mountain out of a molehill. (I don't agree you should have to WRAP their presents though, unless they have arthritis or some such, this isn't a reasonable ask).

Having specific asks for presents will, as others have said, reduce duplication, waste and disappointment. As they're YOUR children, I expect you know what they like and want better than anyone else. How hard would it be to set up an Amazon Wishlist, or even supervise the kids whilst they add items (within reason) to the list themselves? Could be a fun activity.

@Sortyourlifeout that would be great if they knew what they wanted, they are weird kids for never know!

This is a typical MN response. Relatives who take the time to ensure they give gifts to the OP’s children that they actually want are now ‘lazy’ and ‘want the glory’. Why are people so quick to demonise others? Seriously weird.

This is how we do it in my family. I like coming up with ideas for my niece so will pick something out myself but I still get it sent to my sibling to wrap as I'd be paying two lots of postage otherwise (they moved 100s of miles away).

We’ve always done this in our family , definitely at least going back the last 30 years or so . Saves duplicated gifts and getting things they don’t want . Also makes far more sense rather than basing gifts on what someone else’s child might like .

I also get things delivered direct to children we have to buy for but don’t live close to . Normally a token gift around the £10 mark , so I Amazon prime it to them . I don’t expect the parents to wrap it , it comes in a box with a gift note addressed to the child . If I bought it and then wrapped and posted , then half the budget would go on postage costs , so fairly pointless.

How is it materialistic when the grandparents are want to get the child a gift that they will enjoy and they specifically ask for ideas? The ‘thought and care’ for the grandparents is that they want the child to enjoy the present and they only see said child a handful of times in a year so don’t know them well enough to pick something.

Do you have a savings account for them? Just ask your relatives to put money in that.

Interesting! Seems more people think I’m being unreasonable but also that the main thing is that the child gets something they want and the wrapping etc is unnecessary.

On that basis I think I’m going to start asking them for money and I’ll just take the DC to Smyths.

Yes, it’s a bit of a pain with the additional mental load but it means your children get what they want and there’s no wasted money/gifts.

Amazon wish lists are the way forward.

I think you’re being a bit unreasonable.

Between DH and I, we have several nieces and nephews of all ages. They live at all ends of the country, we see them a few times a year. We have no idea what toys and books they already own. We know all about their hobbies and clubs, but they’re fortunate enough to have what they need already. Some of them have piles and piles of toys already. If we see them around Christmas/Birthday then we take them for a treat day out and buy them something on the trip, but we both work full time and they all live hours away.

We don’t have kids, we don’t know about latest crazes or must have toys. I don’t want to buy something they hate. We don’t want to step on parents toes or buy something they don’t want them to have. We make sure to remember their birthdays and we budget for getting them something nice. Having said that, their birthdays are not the big events in our calendar that they are for their parents. I don’t think it’s uncaring to ask the parents who know them best what they would like.

Yes, I’ve tried that but they didn’t like that idea 😞

For goodness sake don’t be so ridiculous. They want to buy your kid a present, it could take them ages to research something dc ‘might’ like and their lives don’t revolve around your children!

it would take you five minutes to send a link over to them with an item.

They are doing enough by spending money in them, and doing what they can to ensure DC like the presents, YBU.

But they are not asking for ideas, they actively reject ideas and themes. They want the exact specific toy and link.

Totally with you OP. Last yr I was brave and told SIL I wasn’t doing this anymore, just give money. I said it kindly and explained the extra load (that year I had 5 relatives who did this so 5 extra gifts to find on top of everything else I had to do at Xmas) but she seemed offended still. I’m still going to do it for my mum and MIL because they are older and I don’t mind as much but adults with their own kids, I think it’s taking the piss tbh.