To think this is just rude?

[premiumskint]

Been dating a guy for past 4 weeks, we've been on 6 dates so really early days. I'm pretty laid back, as is he, so I've just been going with his texting communication - which has became more and more sporadic. But tried not to dwell on it as I have done in the past with others and just kind of matched his messages. Kept it light and breezy.

Last message was sent by me on Friday evening after a day of back and forth voice notes. Then I didn't hear a peep all weekend. That's fine just assumed busy with Easter etc.

Nothing yesterday then a text today just asking how I was. I replied, he replied, I replied and this was 6 hours ago and there's been nothing since. In this time he has posted on instagram, liked my story and sent a 😍 to my story.

I find it rather rude. My last message was definitely one he could of replied to where I asked him two questions.

I can just feel the change in communication and honestly if it weren't for him viewing my story and posting one himself, I could have pretended in my head that he'd been busy with work and then fell asleep.

If someone's lost interest then that's fair enough but why even start a conversation to then just ignore me AGAIN.

I was actually assuming today that I probably wouldn't hear from him and was feeling okay and then he text me and is now not responding and I'm back to feeling shit.

Should I block his number? I almost want to as sick of sitting waiting for a text. Or is that petty?

You can unblock him and apologise to him. At least. But I would end the relationship. For both of your sakes.

Thank you, you're definitely right. It is about taking control and to be honest I have this horrible pit in my stomach today, woke up during the night tossing and turning and feeling genuinely terrible. I have had a lot of trauma in my past and have an insecure attachment style, so I am not in denial that I am the problem. I never know how to handle these situations the proper way and probably I blocked as a bit of a defence mechanism, block him first so he can no longer hurt me. It is unhealthy the intensity of my feelings this early on, it's how I've always been though. I think I need to take a break for a while and get some support.

But do you understand that he wasn’t hurting you?
Your perception was that his not replying was an attempt to mess with your head, hurt you and slow fade you etc.

It wasn’t. He was hungover, he had a nap, he messed about on social media (and interacted with your page remember). He just had a chilled out day. He wasn’t in the mood for conversation. How often do you want to engage in banal chat when you’re hungover?

He wasn’t doing things to hurt you. He was being a normal person not in the mood for a text chat, but up until that point had been attentive and would likely have continued to be attentive in a normal way for most people. You wanted an intense way.

Your perception is off, because of your issues. You cannot punish people or call them rude when your perception is the issue. You know that about yourself so work on it instead of lashing out at others and blaming them for your own feelings.

I'd be tempted to leave it now, in case you get sucked back in.

But you could unblock and send the 'thanks but not right for me' message.
You can re-block IF he doesn't respect your clean ending and continues to contact you.

Then breathe! Work on yourself a bit, then try things differently next time.

"He was hungover, he had a nap, he messed about on social media (and interacted with your page remember). He just had a chilled out day. He wasn’t in the mood for conversation."

Are you him? Otherwise it's a weird leap to assume you know what's going on in his head.

Awww, I'm sorry. I really remember how that feels. It's awful. I was stuck in that loop and I was bloody miserable. It really does a number on your self esteem. But also, it's not just you – because if someone is giving you that feeling, you are picking up on those 'not quite interested enough' vibes. Please don't think that you're 'the problem' because that's not quite true.

However, things can change! You sound thoughtful and honest with yourself. I think a lot of us do change in our early thirties and find ourselves able to shrug off things that use to bother us. Personally, I got involved in a sport and suddenly started to feel so happy in my life, I wasn't in any rush to find someone. My intensity lessened. Then I met someone through my sport and I had no doubt at all that he liked me. Even though our dating was very relaxed for a couple of months. It was just easy, and we have been together for five years now. It was so different from anyone I had dated before and I remember one day having this overwhelming of warmth and wantedness and pure joy. Ahh, you will enjoy the same, I'm sure. Take care of yourself and put your own joy first.

Did anything happen which may have caused the change in pace eg did you sleep with him?

Regardless, if he is breadcrumbing you and making you anxious, he’s probably not worth bothering with. It’s a shame though as you do sound as if you really like him (possibly worth a phone call, just in case this is worth salvaging?)

It's good that you see this now rather than attacking everyone in sight. That's unhealthy. A bit of self care and love and time to work on yourself can change everything. He is not the man for you, it wouldnt feel like this if he was. Good luck OP.

The OP said that one of her questions was whether or not he was hungover, so we can assume he had been out for a bit of a night. He also said he had a nap. Those two things together, it isn’t a weird leap to assume he was hungover and having a lazy day.

Not replying to banal messages when you’re having a hungover lazy day isn’t wrong. Healthy relationships do not require banal chit chat back and forth messaging for no reason. That’s the joy of messages; you can send and reply at your own convenience and chit chat conversations can continue without any pressure on either party.

The OP blocked him because of a 6 hour gap in contact. And you’re seriously going to argue that what she did was normal behaviour and he deserved it?

Might be time to move on from this thread. Relationship form might be a kinder place.

Insecure attachment styles are interesting in terms of dating. Helpful if you can identify people that you know will "trigger" your insecurity.

But fundamentally there are relationship "norms" and if it is Easter weekend, you are both single and excited about each other you would expect more interaction and a plan. Maybe he wasn't doing the slow fade, maybe he just doesn't see the need to be in contact and see you over the break. But if you want a man that wants that (which I would and I know many other people who also would), then this probably isn't the right man for you. And wanting those things for yourself is fine and not overly clingy or demanding.

I spent many years trying to convince myself that various shit men not messaging me back, not making plans etc was my fault and I needed to be less needy etc. one guy even convinced me I might have a real mental health issue because I thought wanting to see him more than once a week was unreasonable. This was after nearly six months of seeing each other. We were both single, commitment free and had plenty of spare time. I cringe looking back on it at how much I doubted myself and invalidated my own needs.

I was lucky - I met a guy who messaged me back, made plans and was up front and honest. We got married and he continues to be present, steady and honours his word. I never feel insecure and like I might be the problem. You need to find "this" in a format that works for you.

You know what's needy and what's not. Dig deep and if you know you are not needy and your expectations are reasonable, do the difficult thing and let him go. Leave yourself open to meeting someone who gets a message from you and is happy you wanted to chat to him. You deserve that. Life is hard and marriage can be hard. You need to do it with someone who convinced you from the beginning he can give you what you need.

My caveat is that I am a veteran of online dating. It has left battle scars and I have strong views!

No nothing had really changed no, we had slept together on 3 rd date

OP you did the right thing for you (I never blocked, but did tell them I'm done when i reached that point in no uncertain terms). You sound like me when I was dating. I would also notice those patterns and they would drive me insane (more so because it angered me them thinking I'm stupid and wouldn't notice they've been online/on whatsapp but ignoring me). Then I met my current partner. He messaged back. He showed up. He showed me I was priority from day 1. I was (and still am) as intense. When we don't see each other because one of us is away for whatever reason we miss each other and when we see each other it's like we were apart for ages (even if it's just been a couple of days). We message each other daily, when in work, multiple times. We live together, but this isn't just "what do you want to eat tonight?", it's just checking in with each other because we genuinely are each others most important person in life. We have ups and downs like normal couples, but I never once doubted his love and commitment to me. They are out there, they are gold dust but they exist! You are not crazy, you just want certain things and there will be a man able and willing to give what you need, because you are everything he needs and wants. And everything/one else will just be noise in the background!

And yes, this might seem too much/unhealthy/suffocating for some, but it works for us and it's what I need from a partner. Doesn't make me crazy, just different wants and needs!

Ask him.then you know where you stand.blocking someone like that is just flouncing out of the room.
Sitting waiting for a text suggests you may be a bit intense?
Tell him it's not working for you if you're unhappy.
Stalking him online has to stop,it's doing you no good seeing what and where,at what time he is posting stuff,it's making you unhappy.
Leave your phone etc alone and go do something else op.🌻

How ridiculous you are.

Is “intense” the obligatory word for everyone in the pile on?

@Cam22 you did read OPs reply where she used this word about herself, no? People are entitled to say what they see what someone has posted on AIBU for opinions without it being labelled a pile on.

If I was him I'd run a mile!

Unblock him if you like, but he won't contact you again.

It's a great description of OP!

I never called myself a psycho?

@premiumskint they were referring to the word intense not psycho!

Regardless I have been spoken to appallingly on here, but I often find that when posters respond in such a vicious manner, it's usually because they are deeply unhappy within their own life so I try and not take it personally.

I think you have done the right thing. He wasn't interested in you enough to respond to your messages. That doesn't make you clingy or intense. I have had this with guys I have met on dating apps in the past, and now I am with a long-term DP, this kind of childish shit (reading and then not replying) doesn't happen.

Yeah right ok

100% a slow fade. They all follow the same script.

I admire you for taking control of the situation.

His replies scream of immaturity and lack of "being bothered".

I disagree that you aren't ready to date ... I think you just need compatibility in regards to communication styles :)

The "cool girls" of Mumsnet are okay with one text a week and being left on read, but a lot of us out in the real world would have found his behaviour similarly disconcerting.

This would have gone better in Relationships, OP. People are just waiting to jump on AIBU.