to think there's a lot drama and scaremongering around women coping as a new mum?

[imicayrp]

I am open to being put in my place and told I have an easy child (so far) but I was shocked by how much pressure, stress and fear was pumped into me before birth, to find that 6 months on, I’m fine and found this pretty simple from day one. Always had that elusive hot cup of tea, always had time to speak to friends and cook my dinner. I did this all without support from my partner who had an affair 8 weeks before our child was born. I know 6 months is nothing and I’m sure there’s hard time ahead but honestly it’s been absolutely NOWHERE near what is described in the media and among colleagues (and mumsnet!). Yes the nights initially were hard but you sleep the next day? It’s a short time. Yes it can be isolating on maternity leave but keep in touch with friends? Buy yourself something nice, watch a series. I don’t understand the huge pressure and drama before women give birth and actually see it as quite a sexist thing. Women can cope, actually. AIBU to have this mentality? Does anyone feel similar?

Have you had any PND at all? That almost killed me

I dunno I actually think you’re being pretty patronising by suggesting women who find thing harder than you can’t cope.
If you are well rested because you’re baby sleeps and they are chill enough to be happy on the floor while you shower, have a coffee or make and eat your dinner then yeah you have an easy baby.

YABU OP I found it a absolute breeze with my first DD …with my second DD I didn’t know what hit me she screamed constantly extremely unsettled never slept clingy etc, the toddler years where horrific with her and I very quickly learnt no two babies are the same.

Just like your “good baby” isn’t what everyone gets.

YABU all situations are different. I have the “perfect” set-up - supportive, hands on DH, very helpful grandparents, decent financial situation, etc. and yet I found it incredibly hard. Completely blindsided me. Have contemplated suicide/ leaving etc. I think it’s really important to warn women (and their partners) about how difficult it can be if you have a difficult baby so people can make a more informed decision about whether they think they would cope.

agree that no point in saying too much once the woman is pregnant though, other than to prepare her. By then it’s too late!

At 4 months my oldest would wake every hour at night, and only nap during the day in a moving buggy. This lasted for 3 months. I nearly lost my mind. It's great that you aren't struggling, but women that do should be allowed to say so without stigma. That is why the difficulties new mums can encounter are talked about and normalised.

@youshouldnthaveasked no I haven’t and totally appreciate that is an entirely different situation xx

@Albiboba I didn’t mean to be patronising at all, sorry if it came across like that! It’s my first so I do understand I may just have an easy baby. Hence my post, really, as I found there was so much anxiety instilled before birth.

Yabu. It sounds like you have one, relatively chilled baby.
Try one high needs baby / tough birth recovery / two or more children.

It's brilliant that you're finding it easy, but I'd say you're probably in the minority. I don't think it's 'scaremongering' to discuss with new mums how hard it can be, surely it's worse if they think it's going to be a walk in the park and then struggle? If they manage like you have then great, but most women (imo) will find it very tough at times

I wouldn't say I struggled with ds1 but there was no sleep - nighttime or daytime - for the first 6 months. I used to get so exasperated with the "sleep when the baby sleeps" advice because the baby NEVER slept for longer than about 20 minutes. Then I had dc2 and thought he was dreadfully ill because he slept all the time. Anyway. Sounds like everything is going well so that's great but not all babies sleep!

@GlumyGloomer I see what you mean. I think I was referring more to the idea that your whole world implodes etc and people laughing in the office about never having a moment to yourself again etc etc. I found it really unhelpful and not reflective of the reality.

@LittleRedRidingBoots yes, I think I have expressed this badly in my OP. I meant more the jokes about never sleeping again etc at work and, well, everywhere you go, really. I found it so unnecessary and stress inducing!

It so sounds like you have an easy baby. If DS2 had been my first, I would probably think the same - he was easy going enough that I had time to do all the things like showering, drinking hot tea, meeting friends etc.

luckily I’d had DS1 first, a non napping, Velcro baby, and it was hellish and I wouldn’t lever him for two minutes without him howling. He wasn’t interested in toys or books or anything except being on me, with me, 24/7. So I have endless sympathy with any new mum that has similar.

A lot of the pressure comes from people trying to sell you stuff I think. But a lot depends on personal circumstances and health too.
I had some easy babies, some harder. Some easy births, some not so. It’s purely luck if you have an easy time of it first time round. I would have found giving birth in lockdown really tough I think, even with the benefit of experience.
support networks, access to good postnatal care, financial stability… all make a difference.
significant birth injuries make life very tough, as does a baby with colic or any number of other issues. Lots of people simply can’t catch up on sleep the next day, so sleep deprivation can really get you down. Postnatal depression can leave you feeling like a sack of shit, postnatal bodies can be a bit distressing and frustrating.

Nope not at all, I am glad it was good for you but for me I wish I had known more about the reality.

Child did not sleep more than an hour, tongue tie, silent reflux, my major anxiety, pain of c section and BF being so hard.

That said I always showered and stuffed my face lol

@Babsexxx thanks, that gives me some perspective (and puts me off a second! Haha)

Sorry everyone I feel I’ve really offended people! That wasn’t my intention.

Depends on the baby OP. DD1 was a high needs baby who was later diagnosed with autism. She also ended up with an ulcerated oesophagus from silent reflux. She didn't sleep longer than 40 odd minutes until she was about 7 months old. I thought I was going insane with the sleep deprivation.

I spent many months poking DD2 while she slept as I kept thinking she must be dead to sleep as long as 3 hours straight. 3 consecutive hours!!!!

@imicayrp yeah I do think people
go a bit OTT! I’m due with my second any day now and it’s even worse this time round lol. The exhales when they ask the age gap (2 under 2) and other little comments about how i can’t possibly go back to work (?!).

mu mum loves telling the elusive ‘enjoying a hot cup of tea’ story, even though she went back to work when I was 12 weeks and my dad was there so not sure how she didn’t manage that! My first was very colicky, refluxy etc so it was like a baptism of fire but I still don’t scaremonger FTM as it’s just horrible when you’re sitting there and everyone launches into horror stories!

@imicayrp I have to say I didn't really encounter any of that when I was pregnant. Then again I had a 'high risk' pregnancy and was a blubbering mess throughout, so most people were trying to reassure me that everything would turn out fine.

I loved it. It can be hard but expecting twins I was TERRIFIED. it's a secret that women enjoy being at home sometimes. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I had the easy baby first too. But I had the insight to realise that was luck, and didn't think that I was an amazing coping person and other new mums were moaning about nothing. I had the non-sleeping velcro baby second......

I think you're maybe not realising that you've probably benefitted from all that talk that you're calling scaremongering. You heard a lot of negative talk, so you were subconsciously prepared for the worst... and then you found it easier than what you were imagining. That's great, and the best way around. Imagine if everyone had always told you that it's a breeze and no trouble etc, and then you found it difficult. It's the shock that gets you.

Imo there's not enough discussion about what new parents can face. I'm delighted for you that you found it so easy, but with my first I had a) post natal depression and b) a baby that was very difficult for the first four months or so. I had very little support. For my difficult baby I was told 'babies cry'. I now believe she was suffering from reflux - but I didn't have the information or support to help us both through that time.

My second was a dream in comparison.

Yabvu to think that just because you are finding it easy, it should be like that for everyone.

Honestly OP you're coming across like a stealth boaster here. You've obviously got a very chilled easy baby and better maternal instincts than me for sure.

I had PND and a baby that barely slept for a year. I hated every minute of it and felt utterly useless.

I've now got a wonderful 6YO who is the perfect child, but after those early months, I won't be having any more. There's no way I could put ourselves through it.