to think there's a lot drama and scaremongering around women coping as a new mum?

[imicayrp]

I am open to being put in my place and told I have an easy child (so far) but I was shocked by how much pressure, stress and fear was pumped into me before birth, to find that 6 months on, I’m fine and found this pretty simple from day one. Always had that elusive hot cup of tea, always had time to speak to friends and cook my dinner. I did this all without support from my partner who had an affair 8 weeks before our child was born. I know 6 months is nothing and I’m sure there’s hard time ahead but honestly it’s been absolutely NOWHERE near what is described in the media and among colleagues (and mumsnet!). Yes the nights initially were hard but you sleep the next day? It’s a short time. Yes it can be isolating on maternity leave but keep in touch with friends? Buy yourself something nice, watch a series. I don’t understand the huge pressure and drama before women give birth and actually see it as quite a sexist thing. Women can cope, actually. AIBU to have this mentality? Does anyone feel similar?

I had my eldest on a Friday morning. We left hospital on Saturday evening. As I picked him up to leave he started crying and for the next 6 months it felt like he never stopped.

The colic nights were unbearable. If he wasn’t being held he was crying. I got up in the morning, held him all day while trying to do things round the house with one hand. Handed him over to my husband when he got home from work, I made dinner, cleaned up, bathed the baby and we took turns walking a screaming child round the house till the colic for that evening passed. Then we fell into bed, woke every hour or so, then started it all over again.

in the first year of his life we lived in 3 different countries. I had no friends or family around. We had no spare money to spend on something nice and it was in the days before box sets and streaming.

I feel the same as you. But I know it’s because we’ve been lucky and have a relatively easy baby, because of that, we’ve never been hugely sleep deprived, I can get stuff done during the day whilst she entertains herself a bit, have friends over, go out for lunch, dinner, for a drink with her if I want as she’s not really any trouble out.

But I 100% know it’s only because she’s a pretty chilled, non clingy baby and you never know what you’re going to get.

Tbh I thought it was a load of old scaremongering and negativity. I read all the books, I’d would just try hard, and sure it would be a bit tricky at times, but I’d just get on with it and it would be great.

Holy shit did I get a shock. DC1 was a Velcro baby and did not sleep a bit. I was so sleep deprived trying to do the ‘right thing’ of putting him in a cot that I ended up very mentally unwell because I was not getting more than a couple of consecutive hours sleep in a night. I had a horrible time breastfeeding. I struggled not being able to get anything done around the house. I found it all so hard because I thought everyone else was popping their baby down for a nap after a lovely breastfeed and then having a nap themselves (sleep when the baby sleeps is a phrase I never want to hear again).

I wish someone had warned me how hard it can be and told me how to let go and do what works.

Sounds like you have an easy going baby but this is absolutely not the reality for lots of parents.

I found it really hard and my baby WAS easy. I just found the restricted freedom such a huge shock as i'd always been really social and travelled.

Dd is 14 and lovely but I still can't do what I want, when I want. I think more women should talk about the negatives tbh.

Oh so much this!

I loved the 6-12 months stage! Once DD was mobile (she's now approaching 2) it got much, much harder. And now after having such a lovely baby the terrible 2s are seriously biting me on the arse.

I type this after having yet another breakdown crying after having to physically fight with my "strong willed" toddler just to bath her and get her ready for bed.

I'd hold off judgement at only 6 months, OP. 🤔

I fucked off back to work at 7 months for 4 days a week because it was honestly such a welcome break and I enjoyed having a hot coffee 😅

For example, i'd love to emigrate to Australia. Can't as dd and sdd are settled here.

More worryingly, I can't even go out after dark and leave dd alone (14 years on) as she still scared of the dark. Love her to bits but dosn't anyone find it hard that you just can't pop out to the corner shop on your own sometimes...for years and years on end....without arranging a sitter or making sure your dp is on hand?
If you don't find not being able to do something as simple as that hard then you are a better woman than me!!

I used to trek the Himalaya alone ffs!

And yes, I know you can take the kids to the shop with you, but sometimes I just don't want to as I get asked to buy stuff...constantly!

The things I read on MN generally don't match my real life experiences with myself, friends or family. I didnt struggle with new babies I loved it, would do it again and again. I done everything at home my whilst my DH worked whilst I was on maternity. I had time for everything I needed and wanted. I read posts on here about how people don't get a minute with a new baby and DH working, but I cant understand that. Why can't the baby be put down safely for a little while to grab a bite to eat, cup of tea, a mop around. I dont know. But obviously all babies are different, I just don't know any in real life where a parent couldn't put them down for 5 mins. MN seems the opposite of that.

Why can't the baby be put down safely for a little while to grab a bite to eat, cup of tea, a mop around. I dont know. But obviously all babies are different, I just don't know any in real life where a parent couldn't put them down for 5 mins. MN seems the opposite of that

easy to say when you didn’t have a baby that could not be put down “safely for a little while”.

of course they can. But you try having a cup of tea or a mop round while your tiny baby is hysterically crying- your body is designed to respond and you can’t not without your stress levels going through the roof. I remember trying to do something with my baby yelling, me crying as well, I physically couldn’t leave her like that.

until you’ve been there you don’t understand the visceral reaction to that crying. It isn’t “normal” crying, it isn’t oh I can leave them a minute and she’ll settle crying. It’s heartbreaking continual crying for you, and you know the only thing that will comfort them is being physically close to you.

be as smug and as judgy all you like. I’m happy your baby was easier, but don’t think it was anything you did.

Well I don't get how people complain about the cost of living. Maybe it's just me but I haven't found it that hard. Am I just a better person than you all? Anyone care to enlighten me?

I'm 16 years in to parenting and my youngest is 11. I had all the cute baby moments, felt fulfilled although it was incredibly hard.
For me too, it's the lack of personal freedom and autonomy that I still am not comfortable with. It feels like it shouldn't be like this, that my needs and my own life are subbed out to my children for far too long. It's so trapping.

@Lastnamedidntstick smug and judgey? Get a grip!! I havent judged anyone. I'm simply saying MN is not like any of my real life experiences with anyone I know. Where on earth did I say it was anything I did???

My experience was the same as yours. Slept through the day a lot, husband was great I was back going to gym classes etc for ‘me time’. We’re lucky, but I agree you rarely hear about women NOT finding it a huge depressing struggle.

OP, congratulations! Sounds like you 're enjoying being a mum, and have a lovely easy baby (and/or a lot of support. How else can a new mum 'sleep during the day?'...) With my first, I'd moved countries and jobs during pregnancy, knew no one but DH in our new city, lived in a 2nd storey flat with no lift, had no car, and DH worked 50+ hour weeks. The baby had severe reflux, undiagnosed until she was 9 months old. She woke every hour, every night, for the best part of a year, cried for 2+ hours straight for at least one of those wakes every night for months, she wouldn't be put down (and the effect wasn't 'grizzling' like someone else mentioned, but full on screaming, until I'd finished cooking, or using the toilet, or whatever else I needed to do) she hated the sling, and the jumperoo, and her car seat and the pram, and then I got pregnant again when she was 10 months old. I coped (depending on what that means - we all survived, and I feel pretty invincible now), but your post would have broken my heart. I imagine you meant no harm, but 6 months in with an easy baby, you're really not in a position to comment on anything except your own lovely experience. And all that 'women cope' silliness - I'll never forgive the people who left me to 'cope ' alone. Don't turn your own luck into pseudo-feminist proof that women are so 'strong' they can (should?) manage in situations you haven't even imagined.

@Mariposa26 I've been there. It will get better. So much better. The baby who (or, rather, whose undiagnosed reflux) nearly killed me is now the most breathtakingly sweet, kind, affectionate little girl. My second baby was a breeze, and I feel so amazed, looking back, at what I survived. I wouldn't have believed any of this, felt convinced I was a terrible mother, but here I am, genuinely the happiest I've ever been, and a wonderful mother (at least according to my children....) Chose your mum friends with care, but the good ones can be life savers, literally.

it sounds like you are a single mum like me, no father input, ever, financial or otherwise - not seen or heard of him since the pregnancy

Yes I found it lovely - not alwasy easy, and not always fun, but most of the time it was both.

Yes of course you are woken up at night, in my case for 4 years! But you just adjust

Yes you dont have much time to yourself, but that is what you have signed up for. I went out to one social occasion in 10 years without taking my children with me. Made up for it since though!

I feel exactly like you. It was a wonderful time, and I think for many women it is. But you can be prevented from saying so, when a group of people are getting together and saying how awful and unfair life is, and don't want to hear that anyone is happy.

I do think that being a single mum can be a lot more calm and relaxed than trying to raise children "by committee" though

Do you not think you're the exception? As you said yourself everyone else talks about how difficult they found it. You and your baby aren't proving us wrong.

Absolutely! My bank account never causes me a worry

Maybe you are just a super chilled out human and the ones who do worry are just too uptight?

I was a teen mum hundreds of miles from home when i had my first. Winter baby, no central heating and terry nappies, it wasn't difficult.

I think a lot of people enjoy it and love it or wouldnt go back for a 2nd and 3rd baby and so on. But on Mumsnet maybe it's only really people posting with bad experiences (they also don't like to hear someone doing well, it gets labelled as a stealth boast).

My friend said this. Described having her first as too easy and boring.

Then she had her second, who wasn’t as ‘easy’ and she regretted everything she said about number one and every judgement she had ever made based on that experience.

I think it depends on the baby.

My experience was similar to yours OP. My first DC was definitely not an easy baby but I absolutely loved my maternity leave and was devastated to have to go back. I often read people saying its much harder being at home but that is definitely not my experience. I love my days off with the DC. I am finding it much harder now coping with a teen though!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

I hear you @imicayrp people just want to give you all the negatives about being a new mum and actually, some of us just love it. Yes, it wasn't all plain sailing but we all know what we're letting ourselves in for 🤷‍♀️

I bloody loved my maternity leave and was gutted to go back to work after 5 months (6 months was the norm back then) Most people are fine but we tend to gear from the ones that struggle.

I actually get where you’re coming from OP. DS has had IUGR, NICU stay, tongue tie, colic, bad sleeper, highly clingy etc etc but overall I’ve found it all surprisingly ok. But I think that is precisely because people go on about how terrible motherhood and the newborn stage is. My expectations were rock bottom and while I didn’t appreciate exactly what people meant when they talked about poor sleep etc, I was honestly expecting to hate most of my maternity leave and I really haven’t. Ditto people said it would be a huge pressure on mine and DP’s relationship, and it’s probably the best it’s ever been. I’ve found it surprisingly easy to accept that DS is just a tricky little bugger and it’s not my fault or his fault that he doesn’t act like the babies in the baby books. That is probably the biggest surprise based on pre-baby me, who would have tried to research and plan their way out of it. I think being older and not being on Instagram has helped me avoid the temptation to beat myself up.