to think there's a lot drama and scaremongering around women coping as a new mum?

[imicayrp]

I am open to being put in my place and told I have an easy child (so far) but I was shocked by how much pressure, stress and fear was pumped into me before birth, to find that 6 months on, I’m fine and found this pretty simple from day one. Always had that elusive hot cup of tea, always had time to speak to friends and cook my dinner. I did this all without support from my partner who had an affair 8 weeks before our child was born. I know 6 months is nothing and I’m sure there’s hard time ahead but honestly it’s been absolutely NOWHERE near what is described in the media and among colleagues (and mumsnet!). Yes the nights initially were hard but you sleep the next day? It’s a short time. Yes it can be isolating on maternity leave but keep in touch with friends? Buy yourself something nice, watch a series. I don’t understand the huge pressure and drama before women give birth and actually see it as quite a sexist thing. Women can cope, actually. AIBU to have this mentality? Does anyone feel similar?

I have a 2.5yo who is absolutely lovely and so much fun….but has slept through the night less than handful of times in her life, often waking every couple of hours.

As a baby she never napped unless on me, walking for hours in a pram (if it stopped moving she woke up) or in the car so I couldn’t just sleep the next day.

A colleague told me, very quietly, as I was going on mat leave, that it was okay to enjoy having a newborn and I might and she had with both of hers.

I wasn’t sure what she was getting at but it stayed with me and I was lucky to have the same positive experience. I had a very traumatic delivery and complicated recovery but the baby was a relative breeze and it was a very happy peaceful time. She crawled and walked early and I found that physically more tiring than I’d expected but it was still a lovely phase.

DS is a couple of weeks old and seems very reasonable so far, another tricky delivery but easier recovery than last time and things are going well. My brother was the nightmare second baby so I was bracing for some sort of comeuppance after DD and it may yet come. You can never know what the next stage will be like for either you or your baby so ignore the “just you wait…” comments as they don’t know either and there’s absolutely no point borrowing worry. Toddlers can be amazing fun and the perspective they give you of the works can be brilliant.

Yeah, I love it when you have a colicky baby and people suggest that the baby is stressed because you are stressed. I challenge anyone to hold a baby as the second hour of crying rolls into the third, every day for months on end, with the only nugget of medical help amounting to, "it will pass" and not be stressed.

The toddler years were a fucking breeze after that. It's not about karma, it's like acquiring the emotional resilience of a full blown stoic after colic hell. There's nothing a toddler can do to match that shit, they just don't have it in them.

I understand what your saying. I feel like everyone tells you the bad stuff especially when your pregnant and nobody really says how lovely it is!
I was really prepared for a horrible time newborn and actually it was fine. I didn't get much sleep at night but I never got to 'breaking' point.
All the people saying you sound smug is the reason I think we only ever hear the bad experiences. I sometimes feel like I have to complain to not sound smug to other mums haha. I am also VERY aware I have had an easy baby and lots of support but after recovering from a traumatic birth the first year was the absolute happiest time in my life and not a chore to get through like I was led to believe by some people

I felt the exact opposite. Everyone told me how wonderful it would be and I felt like a monster for finding it the worst time of my life and the hardest thing I’d ever done.

Congrats on being really great at life, I guess? If people sharing their difficult experiences meant you felt some mild concern beforehand (not enough concern to put you off having kids, apparently), that’s a small price to pay for people who do struggle in the newborn days knowing they’re not alone, and it’s normal and not a sign of failure to find it hard.

I make no exaggeration when I say that my first child had a sleep cycle of 39 minutes exactly and woke up screaming his head off every single 39 minutes day and night for the first 18months of his life, he was in my arms in a carrier for the first year. I'm not really a big baby person, love the toddler years but the first year was a bit miserable mostly due to the lack of sleep and the sheer amount of time he spent attached to my nipple.

It’s even more unhelpful and really out of touch when people say “It gets easier as they get older.” I do wonder if the people who say that had difficult babies and then breezed/are breezing through the rest of it.

Yanbu - I agree. With each pregnancy the scaremongering got worse to the point I took to my bed a week before my due date with a crippling fear I was in for torture for the next 18 years 😂 I think practical advice and help is better rather than this constant panic that's instilled in new mums.

I was a young parent and had no support. Everyone told me how hard it was and I’d fully prepared myself to have ‘sleepless nights’ etc. DP worked nights and had two jobs so I was shitting myself.
I think because I was so worried, I found it much easier than expected. I personally found it easier than going to work every day. Dd had ‘colic’ and that was probably the hardest part, but again I just got in with it. I think that because I didn’t try to get her into a routine or follow any experts or have any advice I probably found it easier tbh.
I had two more DC- one was a poorly bath and that was stressful but again, not as horrific as society would have you believe

Currently in bed crying where I’ve been for 3 days with a 9 day old baby, hating my life because of breastfeeding issues and a traumatic lead up to birth, and wishing I’d never read your smug post.

Lucky you. Maybe you’ll get a baby like my DS next who vomited litres, screamed day and night if not touching me and didn’t sleep through until close to a year.

But then I nearly died giving birth and had a baby with an undiagnosed dairy allergy and silent reflux that wouldn’t be put down and cried all the time and developed PND and post-natal psychosis so bad I was nearly sectioned and attempted suicide so, y’know. I guess we had very different experiences.

I don’t think YABU OP.
AIBU threads do descend into whataboutery.

It’s not easy being a parent but the things said in jest can’t just end up making a scary time 10x scarier

I felt exactly like you. I was pleasantly surprised with early motherhood and how much I enjoyed it. Then my child hit the terrible twos and my life was turned upside down…I struggled a lot, it was around lockdown so this may have had an impact. Maybe review motherhood in a few years and see how you feel.

I think it very much depends on the baby you get .....

Both of mine have been very grumpy babies, for different reasons. Cried a lot and then some more. Hated the car seat, pram, sling etc. refused to nap anywhere but their cot

DS1, from 2 has been the most delightful and easy child known to man - who knows what the tweens and teens will bring.

DS1 is almost 2 and hopefully coming out of his grumps and cheering up a little - hopefully he'll follow in the footsteps of ds1 but we'll see and deal with what comes.

Friends of mine had "easy" babies. Would nap anywhere, no weaning issues, enjoyed walks in the pram, would gaze around contentedly while their mum had a drink etc - then had a nightmare 2s and 3s. One friend would joke with me that at least when mine were at their worst they were immobile so I could pop them down and walk away for a minute - hers would charge to open water given half a chance and for a good few months we avoided a certain park where they were renowned for darting off!

As far as I'm concerned, every child will have challenging times that will test a parent. Combining that with every parent having a "favoured" age - some people love the baby stage, some hate it. Some love the demon toddler phase, some hate it.

It's great that you've found it easy so far. Long may it continue but, with respect, you're 6 months in - you've not hit weaning, sleep regressions, developing will, development frustrations, toddlerdom, infant independence, junior "I can fix the world" bravado etc - just like I've not encountered teens, adolescence, adult children yet!

OP, I'm really glad that you are having an easy time! But I had a very challenging time with both mine as newborns and also had PND and I think for women like me the warnings weren't enough to feel prepared for how tough it was.

Happy for you but I'd suggest your experience isn't especially common, honestly!

I'm not convinced OP is in the minority, actually. A lot of women struggle but a lot don't

I totally agree with your opening post imicayrp and I feel the same about the drama and scaremongering regarding the menopause.

Honestly if a normal day job made you lie on the floor sobbing with exhaustion after finally getting a baby to nap (only in the pram, of course; we never once got him to nap in a cot) you'd get signed off and told to rest, but according to some, mat leave is the rest. Lol.

Yabu in that it is horrendous for some people. However I think the media is very black and white. It's either scaring the sh@t out of women or it's unrealistic and rose tinted. Plus as others say, it can be completely different from child to child.

I was a hot mess for the first 2 months after my first. Cried daily from the exhaustion. My 2 nd was a breeze.

The balanced view doesn't sell articles unfortunately.

Oh no, I'm talking teens 😆

Seriously though, I think doing it alone in many ways makes it so much easier if baby's dad is a bit shit. One less worry.

I thought exactly the same as you OP. We did have issues with colic/suspected lactose intolerance which was tough but other than that I absolutely loved the first year. For me raising a baby is less stressful than the daily stress of working life ie deadlines, having to answer to people constantly, having to be at a certain place at a certain time. On mat leave there's none of that. I could spend all day in my pj's or be out all day walking, visiting cafes and baby classes, no one cared what you did and I found it so liberating.

However my little one is now 21 months and I've found the last few months quite testing, and I suspect it will only get harder once the terrible twos etc hit. I find it exhausting having to be switched on all the time and keeping them entertained, especially while juggling work on top.

I had exactly the same experience. The first year with DD1 was absolutely brutal, I felt like my life had imploded. When DD2 arrived I was so worried it'd be the same but she turned out to be a very easy baby. DD1 is a fab teen now, suspect DD2 won't be! It's all luck.

It's better to expect life with a baby to be hard and relentless. If it isn't that's a bonus.

If you think your life on meternity leave is going to look like a Pampers advert, then it would be very easy, at a very vulnerable time, to feel like a terrible mother who is getting everything wrong.

Yes the nights initially were hard but you sleep the next day?

I don’t understand what you mean by this?

How can you sleep during the day with a baby?

I found the sleep deprivation one of the hardest things.
I think if I had decent sleep then I’d have been able to cope much better.

Did you read the thread a few weeks back about a new mother who was upset that no one told her how difficult it is?

Many posters agreed that people do say how hard it is but most women don’t fully take it in or think they’ll find it easier and then have a shock.

I thought I’d easily breeze through the labour and birth as I have a high pain threshold - oh boy was I completely wrong!

It sounds as though you may have took it all on board and thought it was going to be hell and so you’ve actually coped much better because you were prepared for the worst.