to think there's a lot drama and scaremongering around women coping as a new mum?

[imicayrp]

I am open to being put in my place and told I have an easy child (so far) but I was shocked by how much pressure, stress and fear was pumped into me before birth, to find that 6 months on, I’m fine and found this pretty simple from day one. Always had that elusive hot cup of tea, always had time to speak to friends and cook my dinner. I did this all without support from my partner who had an affair 8 weeks before our child was born. I know 6 months is nothing and I’m sure there’s hard time ahead but honestly it’s been absolutely NOWHERE near what is described in the media and among colleagues (and mumsnet!). Yes the nights initially were hard but you sleep the next day? It’s a short time. Yes it can be isolating on maternity leave but keep in touch with friends? Buy yourself something nice, watch a series. I don’t understand the huge pressure and drama before women give birth and actually see it as quite a sexist thing. Women can cope, actually. AIBU to have this mentality? Does anyone feel similar?

I don’t like it when people scaremonger. Especially to pregnant women who are past any point where they could change their mind about having the baby.

BUT overall I think it’s less damaging to prepare for the worst but find it easier than expected than it would be to expect it to be easy but find it very hard.

I found the sleep deprivation to be awful. I honestly felt a bit unpleasantly drunk as well as emotionally unstable for months with it.
On the other hand, my actual birth went great - but that doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate it’s not like that for others/most

I thought I was a really, really good parent when I had DS1.

Then I had DS2 and discovered how lucky I'd been.

6 months is the easiest age as they can't move. Once they are moving / walking things change.

Honestly, YABU but also YANBU. I don’t think anyone who hasn’t experienced a colicky, allergic, sickly reflux baby who won’t gain weight or settle anything other than upright can possibly understand the levels of sleep deprivation and sheer desperation it can cause. Not all motherhood experiences are equally difficult.

Whatever you do, don’t mistake this for you being exceptionally brilliant 😉

Having my son was like a paradox for me, it was the hardest time but the happiest all at once. So I think I agree with you op. I say that having had severe sleep deprivation diagnosed by a neurologist. I mean weird things happen to you when you’re clinically sleep deprived. That was my only complaint really. But it was a big one. My son seemingly never slept. It drove me nuts. He would finally go to sleep at 7am and then wake up at 10:30 am and I’d feed him and change him etc and then we’d watch Debbie Travis’ Painted House reruns. That was our routine. He hardly ever napped either. I don’t understand how he was surviving. He’d sleep for 20 minutes, be awake, sleep for 20 minutes, awake. I tried everything thinking he wasn’t getting enough nutrition or something and was hungry. But even now as a teen, he doesn’t need much sleep and has always been that way since the minute he was born. That first evening, he was born early afternoon, the nurse took him at 11:45pm and said she was going to give me a break. Apparently there is a nurse change at 12 because the next nurse brought him right back and of course, no sleep was to be had from that day forward 😂 I still don’t sleep well.

But, it was and is the happiest time of my life. What helped me cope I’ll explain, but realizing many women get pnd, it was not a thing 18 years ago meaning it was a combination of no one talked about it and not as many had it I think. Now it seems every single new mother is deeply unhappy, has severe pnd, and that having a baby is torture, I feel for those women. I had opposite experience and I’m very thankful for it. I got a euphoria, not sure how to explain it, when my son was born. It was a joy I’d never experienced before. It was like I was living inside a little glimpse of heaven where everything is possible and the future held infinite joys and exciting potentialities. I didn’t feel lonely or disconnected at all, when I felt up to it I visited my colleagues at work with the baby, visit with friends, with family, other moms and their children, activities. But truly the time I spent with my son when he was a baby and toddler was absolutely the most fun, exciting, fulfilling, and contented except for the no sleep. That euphoria lasted for years. I still get a feeling of it from time to time. It also made me aware the opposite feeling can exist, and I hope better ways are found to help cope and thrive in those situations. The woman still seems in a lot of relationships to be expected to do everything and be everything.

This is the problem imo. I'd rather a world where people are pleasantly surprised by an easy baby than shocked by a difficult one.

I didn't encounter any of this 'negativity' about babies, but I bloody wish I had done. I remember crying to my midwife at 2 weeks postpartum about how my baby would absolutely not tolerate being put down at any point. For any reason. She kept telling me that it's totally normal - I remember asking her through tears that if that's true, why didn't anyone bloody tell me?!

I'm pregnant again now, and I feel a lot better and more prepared now that I know to expect the worst. If I get a unicorn baby like OP, then I can be pleasantly surprised and that will be lovely.

I had awful breastfeeding issues too, and I've often seen it said that women shouldn't be negative about their experience in case it puts other people off. The last thing I'd want to do is put someone off breastfeeding, but equally it feels quite upsetting to be told you shouldn't discuss your real, sometimes even traumatic for some people, experience. I felt like some sort of freak who was incapable of doing what should be "natural", and that everyone else could just breastfeed and my undesirable experience should be swept under the carpet. That all sounds very OTT now, but when you're hormonal and in the thick of it, it's really horrible. OP's post reminds me of that feeling a little - though I know that wasn't her intention at all.

It's one thing to be pleased you've had a pleasant time with your newborn and to express that, but it's the (I assume unintended) implication that the "this is easy, why can't other people cope with this?" type of questions that will inevitably make people feel upset.

Anyway, @Mariposa26 , I have been where you are. I won't tell you that it will get easier in X months, because I'm sure we both agree that babies are unpredictable! But I will tell you that I'm sure you're doing great, and it doesn't matter if other people have an easier time of it - you can only do what you can do with the hand you're dealt. It's normal to find it hard, and it isn't a reflection on you as a mother whatsoever ❤️

I think it's quite good that the 'struggling new mum' narrative is increasingly heard, so yes, YAB a little bit U.
When I expected DC1, I blithely imagined myself a born earthmother who would cinch parenthood -I'd read some really swell books! In some ways, I may have looked as if I was coping on the outside, as my pride wouldn't have permitted me to let the cracks show, but boy, was I floundering. DC1 was such a tricky baby!
DC2, 3 years later, was a doddle. Had I had them in the opposite order, I'd probably have written a post like yours at 6 months.
But the feeling of coping and acing it is brilliant, savour it!

YABU. You have found it easy, and I'm glad for you that you have, but so, so many people struggle and it's important that the message is out there that you may find it the hardest thing that you've ever done. The narrative of it being easy and simple is really damaging to women who struggle, for whatever reason, because it makes it really hard to ask for help.

On paper, my first child was easy. But I had PND and the first six months of his life were horrendous for me. My second child was unwell and in hospital for a good deal of the first six weeks of his life and, in theory, it should have been much harder. But this time around, I didn't have PND and I found his first six months easy despite his health issues.

So, I'm glad that you've found it easy, but that's not the case for everyone and it needs to be talked about.

But it isn't always scaremongering is it? For lots of people, it's really hard. And the message is- yes, it's hard, yes, it's exhausting but this stage will pass.

If you know that for most people, it's quite difficult, then you don't feel so alone.

Struggling on your own at 4am is the worst. Knowing that other people have experienced this and came out the other side is a comfort.

I would say for most parents, it's expressing solidarity in advance.

@Mariposa26 It will pass. I promise.

Mumsnet can also be a positive place for advice with breastfeeding. I struggled when I started and I had lots of useful advice on here, a long while ago.

I had PND, l wanted to take my life. My baby was not easy.

Actually l totally agree with you op.

I had two under two, as a so called geriatric mother having just moved countries for my husbands job, so no support through pregnancy.

I had pre eclampsia with DD1 and an emergency c-section, which was surprisingly fine. I had had the fear of god put into me regarding the c-section totally uneccessarily.
I was pregnant in 7 months, against all the odds, and had another c- section due to complications.
DH was travelling all over the world for weeks at a time and pretty useless as exhausted when home, although he was around to cook and carry for two weeks after each birth.

I set up a routine for each baby that suited them, and didn't worry too much if one grizzled as they had to wait whilst the other had my attention. l showered, washed my hair and put on mascara daily. One would lie on a pile of towels whilst l held the other in the shower with me, ( I avoided afternoon bathtime as we were all tired by then) then swopped them over with a quick hair wash for me.
I has playpens and bassinets in most rooms to plop them down safely wherever l was. DD was easy, DS was not, but l adapted.
Trips out were limited to the odd baby class and walks in the morning with a double buggy and the dog. I knew no one so it was solitary.
I think often expectations that your life will stay the same and you will somehow still be spending your time in a similar way do not help.
My expectations were that my life would change dramatically once l finally had a baby, my time would rarely be my own, for a while, but that was fine and they grow up fast.

Being older helps, prior to dcs, I had run a stressful business, worked 70 hour weeks, moved cities, countries and jobs without help, faced a failing business at one point....
Being in a comfortable home, with a car outside, no work to think about and two babies to care for seemed perfectly doable by comparison, and l had robust coping skills to deal with being isolated, and sleep deprived.
My generation were much more pragmatic, babies cry sometimes, however loved, life is dull and repetitive sometimes with babies and toddlers, but we chose to have them.
Nothing stays the same, for ever.

If I’d had DC2 first I might have written your post. But I had DC1 first. Possibly that was in order to humble me.

I found it extremely easy too OP, until I returned to
work that was. Balancing work and childcare drop offs/pick ups was a nightmare and the guilt of having to put my baby in a nursery almost killed me. The worst may be yet to come, so would refrain from judgement at the moment if I were
you.

I found the same as you. People told me awful things. I read about parents being unable to shower for days. How breastfeeding was incredibly painful and hard. That I'd be a zombie from tiredness. This hasn't been my experience at all. In fact, I loved 99% of it.

BUT - I had an easy baby and did not have PND. I hated my job anyway so don't miss that. I had loads of friends on maternity leave at the same time to socialise with. I cannot compare my experience to that of my colleague who developed postnatal psychosis. Or my friend whose baby was in intensive care for weeks. Or my friend whose baby had dreadful reflux and health issues and barely slept for a year. It's luck really.

I know some mothers have a hard time, but I know what you mean. I remember meeting up with a friend soon after we both had our babies and we both said it was much easier than we had been led to believe it would be. Everyone talks about the worst case scenarios, but it was actually fine.

I loathed the newborn phase, but I didn't find it hard at all. I just found it mind-numbingly, soul-crushingly dull. Babies don't do anything! Everyone's all "Aw hun, just put on a box set and snuggle with you baba" but if you're not one of nature's homebodies, it's pure torture.

I jacked in my maternity leave and went back to work early, because I felt like my brain was leaking out of my ears.

Some people find it easier than others. I was healthy physically and mentally (although ancient) I had straightforward pregnancies and births and no problem breastfeeding. I had a supportive partner and mum and mother in law,a nice place to live, enough money and healthy, cooperative babies. So it was easy for me. A lot of people don't have all of those things-or even most of them. So it's not easy for them. Thank heaven fasting if you do. Be gentle with people, including yourself, if you don't.

I think you've had it relatively easy with this baby, which I am glad for given what you've been through with her father. Your experience has been very different to my own. I had what seemed like the ideal set-up - a bit older than average FTM and had enjoyed my freedom, financially secure, established career with excellent maternity benefits, lots of support from partner, family and friends - but I found myself blindsided by the experience of having a needy newborn who wanted to be carried all the time and hardly slept. I developed crippling anxiety then PND and just really struggled for a long time. It's almost ten years on and I feel like I am only just getting into my stride and feeling properly happy and confident as a mother (it's not been awful the whole time, just not at all easy!). I remember having conversations with friends and family who had older kids in the early years where they shared their struggles as new parents and being quite cross that they hadn't warned me about how difficult it could be.

You were just F-ing lucky @imicayrp

I was the exact same op, and felt so bad for others I knew at the time who were struggling. I wrote my first book and did the marathon the year I had my first and watched loads of the Gilmore girls and read magazines (oh it sounds so nice!). He was a happy little dude and slept from four months. 2nd was quite easygoing but i also (as someone else said), had what I think now was probably pnd. I was wrecked and in a fuzz and cried a lot (I remember sitting rocking (on the floor, not in a chair!!) and bawling and struggling to catch my breath pretty regularly and then I’d keep saying out loud ‘you’re fine, this is fine, you’re fine). So I’m thinking of your aibu saying ‘women cope, actually’ … they do cope, we live through but I don’t think it’s over dramatic to say and portray it as a life changing/world altering thing. Congratulations on the baby btw!

@Rafferty10 a baby crying because it’s in pain with colic is not the same cry as one that is hungry or just grizzling. It’s bloodcurdling and you can’t leave that baby to do anything else. And when your baby sleeps 20 mins at best over a 24 hour cycle for weeks and months, it doesn’t matter what sort of a superwoman you are, you will be broken.

There is another thread in which people have done exactly as you'd have wanted and said it's not so bad and everything would be ok and not so hard etc etc... and the op in that thread is saying why did no one warn her how hard it was, why did no one warn her her world would be turned upside down. It's hard for people to say the right thing! Literally the polar opposite of your thread.

I think it depends on so many factors e.g. PND, of you have a partner that helps, family and friends nearby, and if your baby cries a lot/doesn't sleep.
The newborn stage has been better than expected for me, but I know I'm lucky. Despite that, I still have bad days where I feel I'm not coping so well, and other days where I think this parenting lark is a breeze!