to think there's a lot drama and scaremongering around women coping as a new mum?

[imicayrp]

I am open to being put in my place and told I have an easy child (so far) but I was shocked by how much pressure, stress and fear was pumped into me before birth, to find that 6 months on, I’m fine and found this pretty simple from day one. Always had that elusive hot cup of tea, always had time to speak to friends and cook my dinner. I did this all without support from my partner who had an affair 8 weeks before our child was born. I know 6 months is nothing and I’m sure there’s hard time ahead but honestly it’s been absolutely NOWHERE near what is described in the media and among colleagues (and mumsnet!). Yes the nights initially were hard but you sleep the next day? It’s a short time. Yes it can be isolating on maternity leave but keep in touch with friends? Buy yourself something nice, watch a series. I don’t understand the huge pressure and drama before women give birth and actually see it as quite a sexist thing. Women can cope, actually. AIBU to have this mentality? Does anyone feel similar?

@imicayrp fair enough. I guess the language in your title gave me that impression. I think referring to difficulties with motherhood as 'drama' rather minimises what some women are unlucky enough to go through.

I found first time motherhood absolutely brutal, but I’ve got friends who found the whole thing a lot more straightforward and coped much better. Their babies were much better sleepers, though, and generally quite passive, portable little things. My first baby was not like that!

My second one was though and I always think if I’d have had her first and then my very high maintenance firstborn second…I would’ve had one hell of a shock!

@Mischance thanks for posting, this is interesting for me as I have had no choice but to be a bit more laid back as I’ve been on my own. I have had to leave dc to cry a little here and there and they’ve had to ‘play’ alone at times as I’ve been cooking or whatever else. Inadvertently I think I’ve had a more traditional approach, that doesn’t fit the drama instilled these days.

To be honest op, I kind of get what you mean. I have two dc, and I had time to shower every day, drink hot drinks and meet up with friends. I didn't find it particularly difficult or relentless like friends did. I was however lonely at times. Dc 1 was difficult as he had reflux. So yes I was tired and fed up at times, but not as bad as I was expecting in some ways. But I guess we are all different.

I don't have children OP but in case I ever do it's refreshing to know it's not necessarily going to be terrible!

@WonderingWanda yes I see exactly what you mean. It was badly worded!

While our teen have their moments and we do worry about them- honesty they've been okay so far as well and we tend to enjoy their company.

I keep reading on here that will blow up in our faces at some point - and it may - but also it may not.

Hardest years for us were what are often described as some of the usually easiest 6-10 primary school years - they needed support academically and socially -older two had some actual meltdowns and many more tantrums past acceptable ages.

Just goes to show all kids and families are different.

My first was 14 years ago and ime all people did was congratulate me on being pregnant and coo about babies.

I had undiagnosed and unsuspected adhd and was completely blindsided by everything. It’s only in the last couple of years that I’ve encountered other neurodivergent women articulating the experience of pregnancy, birth and motherhood and been able to start making sense of any of it.

The only thing I knew was that some women might get the baby blues (it was also the only thing health professionals screened for) I had no idea that there was post birth pain, or how hard I’d have to exercise to be able to run again without wetting myself. That you can have anxiety and rage rather than depression, and hormonal mood disorders in pregnancy. That the rise of oxytocin affects dopamine and my ability to think and organise would literally collapse. That having a second baby would damage parts of my body permanently .

I remember going to a baby group, sitting down and bursting in to tears and the other mums saying “no one told you?”, and the following week there was another new mum who did the same. By the third week I was the veteran saying “no one told you?”. So while my experience was probably a bit extreme, many women were struggling.

I don’t think people share these things to scaremonger. Speaking honestly about the female experience is a very, very new phenomenon that developed on the back of the rise of social media. You will likely benefit from it at some point in your life.

Honestly, with my first I think I would have found it much easier without her useless dad around. As it happened I had awful PND (not that I was mentally stable beforehand) and I'm sure he contributed to that. Subsequent children, I loved the baby stages. There were indeed hard times ahead though.

We had another two after that. My second had colic too but I was ready for it and didn't spend the whole time second guessing myself. My third was so much easier, it was a totally different experience.

I think it is clear you have an 'easy' baby, but not all babies are the same (just as not all adults are the same).
My first baby cried non-stop, and woke up more than once during the night every night until he was six months old (and I had started him on other foods).
My HF suggested he was teething (tho he did not get any until he was over 1 year old).
I used to think that heaven was being able to go to the toilet in peace.
However, my second baby hardly cried at all. He fed promptly and easily and slept through at a much earlier age.
He was easy....

@Tiredmum100 yes, don’t get me wrong, I’ve had some down moments, tearful days etc. Definitely frustrating days too. I think I just felt it would have been nice had people said that actually yes you’ll have a bloody cup of tea, and if they stopped the extreme examples like that!

@stillherenow I know what you mean, I am so affected by it all still (almost a decade later) that when someone tells me they're pregnant my first (internal) reaction is concern, not joy. I look at mums with babies and I worry for them, I wonder what is really going on in her head, I want to ask if she's ok. It always takes me by surprise when women are genuinely enjoying it!

I think everyone copes differently, has different tolerances to lack of sleep, some people are more laid back than others etc.

Like you I found it easy, I loved the baby days with both of mine. Ds was a dreadful sleeper he was later diagnosed with asd and adhd which might have had something to do with it but I think youth worked for me there in that lack of sleep never really impacted me that much. I do find that people are overwhelmingly negative about the baby days, perhaps parenting in general. You can see it on this thread 'just wait 'til they are older blah blah'. Mine are teens now, one is practically grown and it has been an absolute joy to raise them, so don't listen to those people either, there is every chance you will love parenting all of the way through.

@AllOfThemWitches please say more about the hard times ahead! Dreading toddler stage…

I think I was referring more to the idea that your whole world implodes etc and people laughing in the office about never having a moment to yourself again etc etc. I found it really unhelpful and not reflective of the reality.

It's probably better to be prepared for a difficult time and then be pleasantly surprised when the reality is much easier.

The alternative (and in my experience more common) scenario is that women are bombarded with unrealistic social media hype where new parents float around in a haze of new baby joy, never for a moment mourning their pre-baby existence. And if it turns out that that is not your reality, well you best keep it to yourself because society judges women who express any regrets about motherhood very, very harshly.

@CrotchetyCrocheting thank you!!

Clearly you must just be a better mother than me then OP. Well done 👏🏻

I guess it depends where you're finding info and opinions, I didn't hear or read everyone saying you can't even shower of have a hot drink, there are always a few online and invariably they're asked why not rather than oh I know I haven't eaten, drank or washed for 6 months. Most were balanced and said yeah it's hard but you get through and it doesn't last forever.

Like anything it depends, some babies are 'easier' than others, but they change all the time- DS was a chill baby, slept through the night from a young age, not overly fussy or anything but bloody hell was the toddler from hell. I personally found things more challenging once they are mobile, start weaning, they start catching all sorts of bugs and viruses as they socialise more etc- especially if going back to work; balancing that with a child was hard. Really hard. Some women also have PND, poorly babies or other things going on in life that makes things tricky.

@imicayrp you really don't need to dread any stage OP. Some people just have easy babies, toddlers, teens etc, or they are just a personality type that can cope with it better. It's nothing to do with karma, you don't have anything coming to you because you enjoy your baby. Never mind anyone who says "just you wait" there are always those types in the world and they need to be ignored. My mum is still waiting for my rebellious stage (I'm biding my time, I still need her to babysit atm )

What I have observed is that having a baby is a total gamble - you have no idea what you’re going to get or how you’re going to cope and it might be fine or it might be absolutely awful - but strangely people don’t seem to frame it like that. Maybe people don’t like to think about how much is outside their control when it comes to having kids.

Lol yes Yabu for thinking all babies are like yours, or it’s something you did that resulted in you having it easy.

mine literally would not be put down. They could scream for hours. Not just leaving them to cry for a few mins while you put dinner on, but full on, distressed yelling that did not stop until you pick them up again.

if I tried to leave them my stress levels rose and rose- I could not do it.

I’d put them down, make a cup of tea, by which time both of us were in distressed tears. By the time I’d soothed her again yea was cold.

when she stopped needing to be carried she got mobile- and she was a climber. By 6 months I couldn’t leave her for a second as she’d be across the room, up the stair. She wouldn’t watch tv, I used to be hanging for dh to get home so I could hand her over for bath.

so yes, yabu. And smug.

I think it natural that more people who experienced problems post than people who were able to get on with things without difficulty.

FWIW I did have 24 hours in full labour, back-to-back presentation, ventouse, stitches, 5 days in hospital with various post natal issues. And a lot of broken sleep.

But found it a good experience to have lots of (well behaved) visitors, healed and recovered well physically, worked at bf and got it sorted, went away for the weekend when baby was under 3 weeks old, went abroad for a holiday at 9 weeks, went to weddings… got on with things. Had chronic depression: took ADs.

It’s different for every new mother and every baby. It might be a breeze, it might be really hard. But I do find that childbirth and the newborn stage are routinely recounted as times of inevitable inimitable nightmare. And that honestly wasn’t the reality for anyone in my ante natal or post natal groups.

Well yeah it is fairly easy if you have an easy baby. Still a big change of lifestyle but if they are healthy and sleeping, feeding and behaving well then it's not too bad.

Throw PND, illness and sleep deprivation into the mix and it's a different story. It's not rocket science op. You just have an easy baby.

I get what you mean OP. I had 4 EMCS, post natal depression, 2 babies who were very difficult and absolutely no help and I still think there is a lot of drama and scaremongering. I do think people have different tolerance levels and stress levels though. It depends on the parent. I managed fine though the days were hard and it's relentless. I powered through.
I am finding the teenage years absolute hell, a millions times more stressful than when they were babies. Most of my friends are sailing through the teenage years and look back on the baby years with horror. Now is my time to struggle when my friends are on easy street.