to think there's a lot drama and scaremongering around women coping as a new mum?

[imicayrp]

I am open to being put in my place and told I have an easy child (so far) but I was shocked by how much pressure, stress and fear was pumped into me before birth, to find that 6 months on, I’m fine and found this pretty simple from day one. Always had that elusive hot cup of tea, always had time to speak to friends and cook my dinner. I did this all without support from my partner who had an affair 8 weeks before our child was born. I know 6 months is nothing and I’m sure there’s hard time ahead but honestly it’s been absolutely NOWHERE near what is described in the media and among colleagues (and mumsnet!). Yes the nights initially were hard but you sleep the next day? It’s a short time. Yes it can be isolating on maternity leave but keep in touch with friends? Buy yourself something nice, watch a series. I don’t understand the huge pressure and drama before women give birth and actually see it as quite a sexist thing. Women can cope, actually. AIBU to have this mentality? Does anyone feel similar?

I agree you’ve been lucky OP. I had a hell of time in the first 6 months . I couldn’t understand why people had babies for a long time as a result !

The advice to sleep when the baby sleeps was trolling in my experience. She will sleep on me or in her pram. For the first 3 months no shower or cup of tea without being screamed at because she hated being put down. We all have different experiences and while most of us cope / get through it because we have to, that’s a testament to our strength and not the fact it’s actually a breeze.

You can't see how 'I coped so I don't understand how other people don't' is offensive?

You have an easy baby. Enjoy it.

I have really easy teenagers. A total piece of cake, easy going, academic and never any bother. Do I think a) I've been hoodwinked by a nest of lies about teens? b) I'm a truly amazing parent who just gets everything right? c) Just really lucky which I totally deserve after colicky babies who brought me to the brink of collapse?

Spoiler, it's c.

I didn’t get terrorised by new mum stories either tbh. I wish people had been a bit more upfront about what’s normal, and how wide the range of ‘normal’ is, and how a lot of it is biologically appropriate behaviour for a helpless infant. If anything people were too quick to assure me that things would ‘get back to normal’ and when that didn’t happen, I thought I was doing something wrong.

I think you only ever hear the horror stories from other mums.
I'm sure there are plenty of other mums out there who have angel golden children who sleep from day 1.
And other mums who are highly robust and adaptable to different situations which allow them to cope better as a whole.
However, there are also mums who get devil children who refuse to sleep or settle and other mums who have babies and find them self waynout of their comfort zones mentally and physically.

Totally different situations for all woman and all babies alike, but I don't think you can tar everyone with the same brush as for some woman it's the hardest thing they will ever go through

I'm glad that you are coping well with motherhood!

This has happened for me too! Maybe difficult baby = easy teen !

I think some people find certain stages easier and some babies are easier (sleep, reflux ect). I LOVE the baby stage but the toddler stage once they stop napping, that's hard!

I still see parents with newborn babies in cafes or restaurants or public transport and have almost a ptsd reaction ‘“how do they do that ?!!” And that’s 15 years on.

Once was enough for me.

It's brilliant that you're finding it easy, but I'd say you're probably in the minority.

I'm not convinced OP is in the minority, actually. A lot of women struggle but a lot don't. I didn't with my first baby (I mean there were challenges but I find my kids way more challenging now at school age). Many of my friends didn't particularly struggle either, although some did.

I do think there is a narrative online that it is so hard, that you lose your sense of self, that your identity will be subsumed etc, and I didn't find that to be the case at all.

You’re getting a hard time here OP but I’m really glad you posted this. Currently 38 weeks pregnant and so sick of the constant “warnings” about how I’ll never enjoy xyz again. I’m not naive enough to think having a baby is going to be easy but it’s nice to hear it’s not a given that my life will forevermore be thankless drudgery.

I think alot can be down to your own personality too, many of my friends hated the cluster feeding and boring days but slobbing on the sofa with a box set is my idea of heaven so I milked that for as long as I could 😂

Better to be forewarned and find it easier than expected than the opposite situation, just ask anyone who has had to deal with PND. Really nothing for you to complain about, just be grateful.

I get what you mean OP. I was pretty scared by a lot of what I read while pregnant, and I know other women have felt similar, and have actually begged people to talk to them about the positives of parenting as well as the negatives! I think we've had babies at a time when- thankfully- there's much much more open discussion about the problems that can arise during those first few months and years. This is in general a brilliant thing for women. However sometimes it feels like something of an over-correction. Rhinannon Lucy Coslett wrote about this in the Guardian a while ago I think.

I sat an exam weeks after having first and then moved house right after second - life just happened like that despite our best efforts.

First was a Velcro baby - once accepted she had to be held by me most of the time and co-sleeping was going to happen whether I liked it or not life adjusted and I developed skills necessary - like getting out the house on time with multiple young kids.

I didn't blooming during pg - suffer badly with heart burn - labour was fairly straight forward all three times - and while I had issues bf with first two did get past them.

I didn't even get the baby blues - hormonal dip few days post birth or so MW told me - let alone develop pnd - had really high spirts for weeks after births - even after third birth when MW service was awful.

I found HV and other mother's and even one GP would try and insist I must have pnd - did the same bloody questionnaire (later found developed by the drug companies themselves ) so many times - was accused of lying about how good I felt and left feeling like I'd let the side down.

It was sheer luck I felt fine - often very tried but very happy - I'd always wanted kids and for me despite lack of sleep noise and unsupportive wider family it was still great for me.

So I do kind get what you mean - but then I met many mother's who struggled though no fault of their own - some had horrific birth injuries or bad memories of labour some had bad reflux babies or babies with milk allergies who really did struggle.

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2022/apr/11/enjoy-it-while-you-can-pregnant

"Perhaps, in all the parenting negativity, we are seeing an overcorrection. An attempt to be more honest about the challenges that has spilled over into a tide that, at times, can feel overwhelming, especially to those who are prone to anxiety or have suffered from mental illness. I found myself clinging to the stories of those few strangers who smiled at my news and told me of their parenting joys: the cabby who picked me up from my first midwife appointment and told me how much he loves being a dad; the woman on holiday who vividly described nursing her son, how his little dark eyes would lock with hers so that they felt like the only two people in the world. Whenever I heard another “Enjoy it while you can”, I held on to these snippets and tried not to panic."

I was told maternity leave would be the best year of my life (which fortunately I didn't buy) and I hated it. I may have had a hot cup of tea every day, but I was awake for 30 minutes every 2 hours for nearly a year, ate most of my meals one-handed including Christmas dinner and had an NCT group that was only free 1 day a week.

I love parenting now, but he's 5!

I think you are lucky to be having that experience but not all babies are the same not all births are the same and not all women are the same. I thought I had parenting sussed until I had my second dc. There are so many factors which influence how hard your experience is. You come across as quite smug, try to remember the expression 'Pride comes before a fall'.

My nephew was an angel of a baby. Sat there quietly, slept beautifully. At two he was diagnosed as autistic. The challenge came later for them.

No I don't agree I found the opposite everyone saying positive things which I found to be mostly untrue. I hated the baby stage.

Having had my babies a long time ago, my observation is that Mums now set much higher standards than we did and are bombarded with so much information and so many dire warnings that any pleasure that there might be in the new baby (when you are awake enough for that!) is reduced.

All mine went into their own rooms at 2 weeks; I always expected that there would be a bit of protest crying when they were put down and waited for them to settle before going back (I could tell the difference between pain crying and protest crying); weaning was a laid back affair - try a bit of this and a bit of that here and there; they were put out in their prams in the garden quite a lot with a cat net over it - they would amuse themselves from a very young age by watching the leaves blowing about; once there was more than one child everyone had to fit in with each other and a new baby would get used to being lugged about by a less than careful toddler, or indeed ignored whilst we attended to a sibling.

I do not think my babies were especially easy in any way; and I really feel for those parents who have babies with problems.

One thing they all had was tons of hugs with lots and lots of love.

I am aware that there has been masses of medical research about cot death etc. and that present-day Mums have no choice but to take this on board - but it is very stressful. I have DDs and have watched them parenting and have often worried about the greater stress that they are under - I do of course never ever comment and zipping the lip is the occupational hazard of being a grandma! I have tried to be helpful without being interfering - it is quite a tightrope to walk.

Another extra stress that I did not have was the pressure to be doing things/activities from a very young age - the children just all mucked in with whatever was going on at home: cooking/cleaning whatever, from which they learned loads. They made their own lunchboxes from start of school - they were very good at it!

I send lots of hugs to parents who are struggling - it will get better as time goes by but may not feel like it just now.

It's been the stuff of internet traffic ever since smartphones became popular and increased the number of people (and content) on the internet. ie going back circa 15 years

@WonderingWanda i don’t mean to come across as smug, that’s not how I feel. I specifically said ‘so far’ as I’m aware it can change.

I was really just trying to understand if others had felt a similar hype.

If it helps I’m dreading the toddler stage as I’m just not good with toddlers. I expect I will pay my dues then!

The first year was the hardest time of my life. Lockdown 1 and no support, no rest or sleep, PND and a colic and reflux baby who cried all the time. We had hourly wake ups until a year old and I had days when I didn't think I'd get through the day as I was so exhausted.

Me too!