to think there's a lot drama and scaremongering around women coping as a new mum?

[imicayrp]

I am open to being put in my place and told I have an easy child (so far) but I was shocked by how much pressure, stress and fear was pumped into me before birth, to find that 6 months on, I’m fine and found this pretty simple from day one. Always had that elusive hot cup of tea, always had time to speak to friends and cook my dinner. I did this all without support from my partner who had an affair 8 weeks before our child was born. I know 6 months is nothing and I’m sure there’s hard time ahead but honestly it’s been absolutely NOWHERE near what is described in the media and among colleagues (and mumsnet!). Yes the nights initially were hard but you sleep the next day? It’s a short time. Yes it can be isolating on maternity leave but keep in touch with friends? Buy yourself something nice, watch a series. I don’t understand the huge pressure and drama before women give birth and actually see it as quite a sexist thing. Women can cope, actually. AIBU to have this mentality? Does anyone feel similar?

Well, good for you. Genuinely.

But I’m a together, sane, confident individual, used to babies, eldest of a big family, with a supportive husband, plenty of money, a straightforward pregnancy and healthy baby etc etc, and I had PND, was hallucinating, the floor was talking, I thought people were trying to take my baby so I couldn’t put him down, my CS scar got infected, my milk never came in, and I was on the floor for months, googling adoption services, desperately trying to figure out a way of turning back time. And I faked sanity so well, no one noticed — not my HV, not my GP, not my DP, not even me, really.

Not all the reading I’d done, not all my experience of babies, not all the advice I’d taken — nothing approached the sheer clusterfuck of new motherhood.

Yabu. Your baby sleeps. Mine used to wake every 45 minutes 24/7 as he had reflux. It was nothing like you describe.

@MissesMorkan 💐💐💐

I hope things got easier over time.

Sorry, but this response is what is toxic.

Saying that motherhood wasn’t as negative as the horror stories people portrayed is not toxic or self congratulatory or smug. It also doesn’t mean your baby was easy or that you had more support or privilege or haven’t suffered from health issues.

The OPs post was clearly about how many people focus on the negatives rather than the positives, and with replies like yours who can blame them. If it’s ‘smug’ to be positive about your experience then people fear being attacked, like you are doing and think the only way to connect is to talk in negative terms.

You have zero idea of anyone’s story. I have experienced severe trauma and hardship during my life, that could have gone two ways, it could have made me more vulnerable to the stresses of motherhood, and that would not be a reflection on me as a person or parent, but it meant I have a profound gratitude because I’ve seen and experienced such suffering. This still isn’t a reflection on me as a person or mother either but it’s also ok to have a lower bar for happiness even during the hardest of times.

And sorry but it’s true, if you have experience prolonged sleeplessness and an unbelievable amount of pressure at work then the newborn stage just isn’t as shocking, so even 1-2 hours a night with a baby seemed survivable to me in comparison and I didn’t see it as a negative even when I felt deranged with exhaustion.

it’s ok for people to be positive and that not be an attack or judgement on those who aren’t able to be.

Thank you, @AnneLovesGilbert — they did. He’s now a delightful 11 year old looking the beginnings of puberty in the eye!

YABU - I assume all these issues below don't apply to you?

• PND
• horrible births leading to physical issues
• birth trauma
• colicky babies who scream non stop
• living far away from friends/family leaving you isolated
• having other children meaning you can't just sleep the next day or relax
• medically complex children
• breastfeeding issues
• money issues/workplace issues surrounding maternity

@Lavender14 would you mind sharing those coping strategies for ppa please? I'm currently pregnant and have a strong tendency towards anxiety so am expecting I could struggle with it.

@Muthaofcats -nice doubling down on your take of “I had the skills and experience so I enjoyed it, others just aren’t as good as me”.

The world is full of messages implying motherhood should be easy and natural for us all. Asking for help, or sharing challenges is massively hard.

There’s huge stigma associated with not coping, there’s huge stigma associated with not “loving every minute”. “Soak up the baby cuddles.” “They are young for such a short time, enjoy every second.” “New baby smell.” “She’s a natural mother.” “Is she a good baby?”

Same.

Fwiw I think you have to be pretty bloody resilient to make it out the other side when you are fighting battles in your head every second of every day.

I'm glad you are finding it easy OP. I do fundamentally disagree with your original point - I don't think the challenges are discussed enough sometimes.

I think it’s really hard to strike a balance, tbh. It can be really hard and it’s cruel to send mothers into that unprepared but at the same time I DID find all the negativity and warnings really got me down during my first pregnancy. Second time around people seem to chill as they assume I know what I’m doing!!

I agree in that i was really only told bad things. Not one person said it will fine. The difficulty of having a new born was really stressed to me. I think it would be more useful to present things as something that could happen not a guarantee.

I had a high needs baby (suspected autism) no family support and surrounded by unhelpful selfish people who had been meddling in my life. Experienced abuse as a child and it all came to the forefront. PND hit me pretty instantly. Baby woke every 20 mins and fed every 40 mins through the day. Difficult birth. Every day I wished I was dead. I went on to have a second and she was a breeze. Got mastitis 2 times. Episiotomy still hurts 5 years on. I feel like I got lucky the second time otherwise I think if it happened again I would have harmed myself. I love my kids but I never want children again. I put my life and welfare at risk for it, i still dont feel happy as i should. never again.

Whilst I was pregnant people around me so positive and said ot would he amazing sp when it wasn't I felt I was lied to. On the other hand, my MIL leaned into my ear and told me "you need to do this alone" . And subsequently he daughters were telling me not to ask for help but tell my mum to travel 400 miles to come down and help me. I'd helped my MIL perform a strenuous pilgrimage and had always tried to be good to my SILS. I later realised they have always been throwing me under the bus. The damage of emotional abuse has ruined my life for me, and all this came to the forefront after giving birth.

I experienced most of these

Ooh very divisive post. Nothing to be sorry about if you didn't struggle, not everyone does and it's not a race to the bottom. Your version of coping and my version are very very different because we clearly had different babies. You mention the mantra of women "coping" to be sexist yet also mention that buying yourself something nice would cheer women up, which sounds equally sexist to me, as if all women need is some retail therapy and we'll be right as rain.

I don't even think that view is your fault, it's misogyny and it catches us all at points! Mum to mum though, im actually genuinely thrilled to see you are enjoying your time with your new baby, and long may they be a easy baby! 😊

yes the post is a bit stealth-boasty, IMO. Anything that makes new mothers feel their difficult experience is more normal helps them. And with any warnings usually go "it will get better in time, don't worry". I don't think people set out to make mothers scared - they are 99% of the time just relaying their own experience, which in many cases is brutal (can testify!).

If find if people speak of positives labels just as bragging, unicorn child it is not possible your lying, only speaking of the good

When people speak of negatives it is scaremongering and people can't cope because of their anxieties

If people need help they need to ask but people discuss things about their children people don't have to take it on to themselves if they don't want to listen dont

Mine had two types of tongue tie, do I pumped around the clock trying to make as much milk as I could for him. Sleep when baby is sleeping doesn't work when you're almost exclusively pumping. I was exhausted

Telling new mums about how things can go wrong and what to look out for so they can prepare is neither scaremongering nor drama.

oh FFS, don't make everything into example of "sexism" imposed on poor innocent females.

For biological & cultural reasons, women usually take on a larger portion of baby care than males. They have other choices, but many women want to take that lion's share, even if it might be very tough.

Honestly I don't think how tough new parenthood is hyped enough, I know too many people who were blindsided by new parenthood, genuinely didn't realise how tough they would find it (male & female parents). That probably includes me as one of the naive, fwiw. I could have cheerfully given away my 1st baby when he was about 2 weeks old. I am also the weirdo that finds teens fairly manageable, fun even, but babies & little kids, so exhausting, madness to have them... I'll totally agree that perfectionism is pernicious in new parenthood discussion, the people who found parenthood hardest are sometimes the most idealistic, so they get the extra stress of feeling like failures because they can't live up to unhelpful preconceptions of the wonderful parents they thought they'd be.

I knew a couple who seemed to have an easy ride with their 1st baby. The universe promptly thanked & blessed them with twins for 2nd pregnancy, born <2 yrs later. The dad now cheerfully says he doesn't remember a thing about 1st 6 months of the twins' lives. Be careful what you gloat about.

I certainly never found it hard at all - obviously the frequent feeds are tiring at first, but I enjoyed it. But this was before all the scaremongering on SM.

I know I was probably lucky, but I’d read nothing to make me expect that BFing would be difficult, and it wasn’t.

Going by what you read on MN, I dare say many first-time expectant mums are fully expecting it to be a painful nightmare. Which may perhaps make them tense and fearful before they even try.

I think I get what you mean OP. You have had an easy baby and you know that. (My baby woke every hour for two years.)

BUT the constant comments while you’re pregnant about “Your life’s gonna change forever!!!” are indeed so irritating.

It was tiring having a baby, I used to fall asleep mid-conversation, but it was still the best years of my life. So fun. And no one talks about the fun, it’s fashionable to be all “😱😱 isn’t it shit being a mum” but I looooooved it.

I’m sad I didn’t have babies a decade earlier.

Women can cope, actually

Actually, you don't speak for all women. Being a woman doesn't mean you inherently understand other womens struggles or circumstances, many of which will be wildly different from your own.

Your OP reads as though women who openly admit to having trouble adjusting to new motherhood are somehow betraying feminist ideals because we should all be on a mission to prove that "women can cope".

The fact that you personally have found it easier than expected to cope with your one, relatively easy baby does not mean you are in a position to generalise about the experience of all women. Nor does it mean that those who are open about their struggles are being dramatic or "scaremongering". Classic case of 'I personally haven't experienced this so it must be exaggerated'. You are lucky. That's all.

Your response to me suggests you come at more than just your pp experience with negativity; but I’m sorry you had a hard time and felt judged, that must be a rotten feeling and I hope you’re out the other end now. I think it’s v normal to assume everyone is judging you or putting pressure on with those comments; I agree they’re inane things to say but imagine people aren’t saying from a place of judgement and just more the random thoughtless crap people say. I think if feeling low it’s easy to be defensive and read malintent into other peoples’ anodyne comments - take your response to me as one example.