to think there's a lot drama and scaremongering around women coping as a new mum?

[imicayrp]

I am open to being put in my place and told I have an easy child (so far) but I was shocked by how much pressure, stress and fear was pumped into me before birth, to find that 6 months on, I’m fine and found this pretty simple from day one. Always had that elusive hot cup of tea, always had time to speak to friends and cook my dinner. I did this all without support from my partner who had an affair 8 weeks before our child was born. I know 6 months is nothing and I’m sure there’s hard time ahead but honestly it’s been absolutely NOWHERE near what is described in the media and among colleagues (and mumsnet!). Yes the nights initially were hard but you sleep the next day? It’s a short time. Yes it can be isolating on maternity leave but keep in touch with friends? Buy yourself something nice, watch a series. I don’t understand the huge pressure and drama before women give birth and actually see it as quite a sexist thing. Women can cope, actually. AIBU to have this mentality? Does anyone feel similar?

How on earth can you sleep the next day? Surely you're looking after a baby non-stop the next day?

You do have an easy child. Good for you. Have another?

No it doesn’t get harder. Babies get easier with each bit of independence, crawling, walking, nursery, school, university.

If you have been lucky now then you are fine.

No, I actually felt the opposite after my first as no one was honest enough about how hard it could be. Good that you've had an "easy" time, but not the case for many, and to call it 'drama' is unhelpful.

I agree with you OP. I have 3 dc and mine are older so I've been through older stages too. Sometimes I read the problems about parenting here and I just don't relate to them - either they didn't occur with any of my dc, or they did but I dealt with them without too much drama. No issues with childbirth, breastfeeding, pregnancy illness , PND or baby's health for any of my dc.

I had to have additional support/interventions during one of my pgs and births due to a health condition and I found it quite patronising and tedious how they would constantly assume I wouldn't cope and having parenting of a newborn painted as the most awful thing ever. Some parents find it hard, some find it easy, but from them and general society the impression for me is that people assume it will be impossibly difficult. I found that HVs almost surprised that I didnt answer any questions negatively during the PND screening check, and falling over themselves to recommend various support groups to me.

When I was pregnant with my first I was absolutely terrified of the 'baby blues'. Every day without fail my mum would tell me to prepare myself for sleepless nights, serious depression, brutal midwives, no pain relief, colic, colossal bleeding for weeks on end, losing my identity etc etc. After I had my baby I actually thought something was wrong with me because I was 'coping' so well and loving life.

Honestly for every parent like you there's one asking why they weren't told the 'truth'. The 'truth' being that being a parent is monotonous, that it's tiring and hard work. It's down to everyone's experience and no two will be the same.

I have 3 kids and I have found parenting easiest with dc3. I don't know if that is due to me being more relaxed now or a combination of factors including that she was a bigger baby and has always slept well. She did have reflux so there was a certain amount of worry about her moving down percentiles and lots of extra laundry to contend with. She weaned really well though and most importantly sleeps like a dream. It helps that her sister and brother are at school so I can focus on her. She does amuse herself though which helps when i need to cook or do homework with my other two. Despite having 3 I'm less tired than when I had dc1 and dc2 who were closer in age and neither ate or slept well. I've also had 3 emergency sections and had a lot more support as dh had I week soff. I had recovered from an infection in that time and was comfortable by time he went back to work. Compare that to dc1 and he was back at work in 2 weeks leaving me with a child that didn't feed well and still in a lot of pain.

Parenting is a long game and just because you've had s straightforward experience so far doesn't mean you will always but if you take it as it comes ( which it sounds like you will) then I think that is a good approach.

Your baby is only six months. Buckle up. You've got the toddler years to come. Then the tweenager back chat. Then the teen years. As someone else said: 'it's a long game'.

I reckon the baby might be a bit older by now.

True. Op How are things now? Hopefully just as great x

YABVU

it’s easy to say that when you cope well but there are so many things that are a big adjustment and there is no shame in also finding it difficult. In fact, you could argue your attitude adds to women feeling like they can’t reach out for help without judgement.

I think it’s important people are prepared for it to be difficult and that it is talked about. PND for example can be very lonely and isolating and feeling as if you are the only one going through this (when it’s actually totally normal) will exacerbate that.

in the nicest way possible I hope you haven’t said this to any friends with babies because they could be internally feeling very shit and this could make it worse.

I had easy babies and found the scaremongering ridiculously unhelpful.

The problem is, the range of possible experiences can be vast. Mum can be injured, mentally unwell, baby can be an insomniac, Dad can be a dick, Mum might hate being at home - or the opposite, in which case it is rather nice.

I couldn’t leave the house when my youngest was 6 months, I was so crippled by anxiety. The only place I would go was hospital appointments or my mums house. Couldn’t even do the school run.

and the worst part?

thinking “I can’t go to a baby group because everyone else must be coping wonderfully and I am so ashamed that I can’t be like them” … “why can’t I be normal”… “my kids deserve a better mum”

there is nothing wrong with having a positive experience but you have to be so careful of how you phrase this. It can be belittling and as much as your positive experience is valid, so are the negative ones.

For example labelling it as “drama”

patronising and makes it seem like the person struggling is making a fuss unnecessarily

Totally agree

I actually think for me the newborn phase with my 2 wasn't the hardest bit - it got more challenging for me when they started moving, had more disrupted sleep at night (down from 3hr stretches to less than 1hr between feeds) and napping less during the day. So it could just be that like me you enjoy the tiny baby phase and your tough bit is still to come!

I think its better for women to be prepared for a very tough time and be pleasantly surprised than the other way round.
There is no harm done to a mum who finds life easier than she was led to believe it would be, but plenty done to a struggling mum who feels there's something wrong with her because she's not breezing along loving every minute.

I'd also say OP, you're obviously doing a cracking job in tough circumstances and without support, and should feel proud of that.
Don't tarnish it by adding in a load of superiority towards other women and losing your empathy. Everyone's different, and you don't need to compare your experiences and ability to cope with other women's in order to feel good about what you're doing.

I agree OP, I find it hard often but not exactly in the way people describe - it was easily possible to wash, dress and eat.

Unfortunately I've perpetuated this, I've often complained and agreed it's all terrible, so I don't sound smug.

@5128gap totally agree with this. everyone's situation is different - from how much support they have, how much money they have, whether their partner is helpful or not, or maybe they are a single parent. Maybe they have to juggle a stressful job around the edges, maybe they struggle with anxiety or PND. To judge everyone else because you find it easy, seems a bit short sighted to me.