To be annoyed that my husband is allowed life?

[Respberrypachouli]

I don’t know how to word it but it really annoys me that I need to arrange childcare to go to the bathroom but my husband is free to go and do as he pleases. We have 2 children and I used to be fine with whatever but recently getting increasingly burnt out. My DH plays footie once a week at 7pm. When youngest needs to go to bed and oldest still has an hour before bed time. He went to play golf on Saturday. Which is the whole day, he’s going out on Friday, went out 2 weeks ago. He went on a business trip for a week, went away for a weekend. I’m breastfeeding so can’t do it. I don’t have hobbies and not many friends. All I want is some support and I really don’t want to tell him off or restrict him because I know if it was the other way around he would be happy for me. But recently it sends me into downward spiral thinking that I’ve completely lost my freedom and autonomy whilst he gets to do whatever whenever. Like I would wake him in the morning to help with our baby and after he’s done he can go back to bed. I once asked him why did he do it and he replies “do I have to ask for permission?”. Sorry for the long rant …

You need to keep telling yourself that this is temporary because of the BF. Ask for what you need from him.

So stop the breastfeeding, go out more, get a hobby, make new friends and don't have anymore children with him.

@AndTheSurveySays overall because I don’t know any better, because of my low self esteem, fear of confrontation and constant self doubts. But I do believe he’s good father, better than many for sure

@Oldbutnotout sounds simple but it’s not…

I think you need to take some control back over your life and make some plans to go out yourself - because it doesn't sound like your DH is stopping you - it's you that's stopping you.

@Ponoka7 true, I just feel bad asking. I feel like he should know better but it’s probably silly.

@coffeecupsandwaxmelts you are right…

Are you expressing?

overall because I don’t know any better, because of my low self esteem, fear of confrontation and constant self doubts. But I do believe he’s good father, better than many for sure

Hes not a good father, maybe he a good dad on his terms when he wants to be. That’s not a good dad. But you let him treat you this way, and I say this as someone who was in the same situation. He won’t change because it works for him. You won’t change him because it’s who he is.

yanbu to feel annoyed, but I’m not sure how that’s helps.

It is that simple. Spend your time out of the house going to therapy working on that low self esteem, go to the gym, be a boss woman. 💪 don't let yourself just be miserable.

How old is baby? With mine it did feel very tying when they are small but I bf eldest to 3 and currently bf 22mo and now have nights out, away ect. You need to advocate for yourself though. Start small, a couple of hours out for a coffee and shopping or a long walk in the sun. Ask DH to take DCs out so you can sit in the garden with a book ect.

Completely agree @AndTheSurveySays

I don't get why having a conversation is so hard. It's much easier than being in misery.

OP, your DH is behaving like a single person though. He's not taking parental responsibility, what an AH.

What type of things do you enjoy? Any sport? Crafts? I don’t know enough about breast feeding but are you able to leave your baby for 1/2 hours? If so pick a hobby and go out on an evening your husband is in.

Just go out. Book things in and tell your OH when you'll be out. BF doesn't have to halt everything, I used to BF then go out with friends for a few hours. You have to have a life too.

I think you need to start doing some stuff. Your issue is him doing some things without the kids, I’d just make sure you get to go out too. If you’re breastfeeding a tiny one it is harder, but baby can cope without you for a couple of hours. They aren’t that dependent for long, a few months and you can get away for longer. Get some stuff to look forward to booked in.

So what response have you had when you've told him you're going out, for whatever reason, or do you not tell him, and are just kind of martyry? You indicate that you never say to him that you'd prefer he didn't organise all theses things to do- so are you sitting there assuming he knows it's tough for you and expecting him to say no, without saying that you're struggling? If you've had that conversation, and he organises things every weekend, then he's being an arse. If you're magically expecting him to have a road to Damascus revelation without talking to him, then you're being unreasonable. Tell him you need some time, tell him you are going out and when.

"All I want is some support and I really don’t want to tell him off or restrict him because I know if it was the other way around he would be happy for me. But recently it sends me into downward spiral thinking that I’ve completely lost my freedom and autonomy whilst he gets to do whatever whenever. Like I would wake him in the morning to help with our baby and after he’s done he can go back to bed. I once asked him why did he do it and he replies “do I have to ask for permission?”. Sorry for the long rant …"

You say here that he'd be happy for you if it were the other way round. How do you know?

Does he check with you before he does whatever he wants (aka what he calls 'ask permission')? You know check like lots of posters on here are suggesting you should with him before you do something?

Or is it the case he does what he wants, might let you know he's doing it but doesn't check if you might be wanting to do something and so he needs to look after his own children (aka what you call "help with our children").

You might not have anything that you do at the moment seeing you have no hobbies and few friends. But let's when he's "helped" in the morning has it ever occured to him (or you) that you could go to back bed instead of him?

Easy to pretend that his happy for you to do things when it's theoretical, when he's got default freedom and you're got default childcare, so it's never actually going to that you can do what he does.

Test that theoretical "happy for you", and tell him this situation will only change when he does in fact ask "permission".

Once you've finished breastfeeding, announce a date that you're out all day with friends and he's having the kids and just go.

I agree with the above poster. You're being ridiculous about not being able to go to the bathroom either. Arrange to go out somewhere when he's in the house and go. Use the sane terminology that he does when he goes out.

So, you want him to give up playing football once a week, and quit his job so he doesn't have to go on business trips?

Put a day on the calendar that is just for you. Your baby can take it bottle for the day it really won't hurt !! Get out of the house and do something that you enjoy you can't complain about things if you arnt willing to change. Give your husband the trust and opportunity to step up. Having a wife that's chained to the house with no other life isn't attractive. It will do you marriage good to build a life for yourself away from the home Suggestions are. Fitness class like yoga. Swimming Shopping Walking. Go out for lunch. Go to hairdressers. Anything really but just get out and make it a regular thing. Yes you are breastfeeding that does not have to mean you can not leave your baby and have a life. Start introducing one bottle a day in preparation for your day out and go from there

I remember the early days of my second dc. I could go to the bathroom but it involved crying etc from my toddler and newborn. So yes, technically I could go but it was stressful.

I wasn’t one of those who could just “ignore” the cries and merrily shower with screaming.

That’s where I would need DH to take the kids out of earshot.

Little things like that make a massive difference. Also DH taking the kids out for a walk while I had a nap/did what the fuck I liked for a bit. DH making dinner, sorting out shopping etc.

It was easier for me to BF than stress about expressing etc. (DD never took a bottle anyway). Once she got to 9 months I went back to work and yes I did express a bit then but she quickly stopped it when I wasn’t home.

It will get easier OP but try not to compare yourself to your DH in such literal terms. What would make a difference and explain it to him.

start with small steps. Don’t feel you need to create a ‘life’ for yourself all of a sudden. Join an exercise class, walking group, another hobby. Whatever you fancy! Start with that and build up. Things at bed time are good. So you don’t need to worry about all that and can hopefully come home and they’re all tucked up! Although I know it’s not always easy with a breastfeeding baby. Make it something that’s achievable for you. It can be hard to get your life back after a baby and it’s ok to find it hard and to be frustrated and stuck in a rut. Ignore those who don’t understand this. Everyone has different experiences. 💐