To be annoyed that my husband is allowed life?

[Respberrypachouli]

I don’t know how to word it but it really annoys me that I need to arrange childcare to go to the bathroom but my husband is free to go and do as he pleases. We have 2 children and I used to be fine with whatever but recently getting increasingly burnt out. My DH plays footie once a week at 7pm. When youngest needs to go to bed and oldest still has an hour before bed time. He went to play golf on Saturday. Which is the whole day, he’s going out on Friday, went out 2 weeks ago. He went on a business trip for a week, went away for a weekend. I’m breastfeeding so can’t do it. I don’t have hobbies and not many friends. All I want is some support and I really don’t want to tell him off or restrict him because I know if it was the other way around he would be happy for me. But recently it sends me into downward spiral thinking that I’ve completely lost my freedom and autonomy whilst he gets to do whatever whenever. Like I would wake him in the morning to help with our baby and after he’s done he can go back to bed. I once asked him why did he do it and he replies “do I have to ask for permission?”. Sorry for the long rant …

Agree with some other posters- you need to take some control back. Breastfeeding is extremely tying and it’s probably true that you can’t have quite as much freedom as him at the moment, but that’s temporary.

I read michelle Obama’s book and she wrote the they went to therapy for this exact thing. And the therapist told her she needed to make the change, not him. She had to start organising her life and explain her plans. You need to start doing this. It’s fine for your husband to have moderate activities! A work trip probably isn’t what you think though..

It’s so hard when they’re young to feel free enough to do it, but you can, and it gets easier.

He doesn’t sound like he is doing anything wrong, as pp have said the issue is you aren’t doing anything. Make sure you get out at least to the gym or whatever.

Unfortunately @Respberrypachouli It IS like this for the vast majority of women. Men are inherently lazy and don't really want to do very much when it comes to household chores and childcare. They will start up any hobbies, and do extra hours at work (and anything and everything they can,) to try and shirk their household, family, and childcare responsibilities.

Many men are selfish, self centred, and immature, and only grow up by their mid to late 40s. By then the kids are pretty much grown up. Really, a lot of young women should be told that in school - that men are lazy and will shirk their responsibilities, and you're pretty much going to be doing 90 to 95% of the childcare, domestic chores, and household stuff.

There's going to be loads of posters popping up soon saying their husband does 50% of everything. Some will say he does way more than 50%. It's absolute rubbish. Most men do fuck-all. As a woman, when you have a baby, even if you're in a relationship/married, you're going to have to accept that you're pretty much going to be giving your life to the children and the household. Because your husband will absolutely everything he can to do fuck-all.

He is quite often 'too tired' and sometimes he is conveniently 'ill' at Christmas, and walks around in his dressing gown of doom... So you have to do everything, and find yourself doing everything for the extended family and his extended family, like buying presents and organising EVERYTHING. Welcome to being a wife and mother. Great, isn't it?

How old is the baby OP?

To give your husband the benefit of the doubt, he probably hasn’t even realised what he’s doing and what it’s like from your side. And you know why? Because you haven’t told him!

Just explain to him you need a bit of time off sometimes and start small, as others have said, go out for a couple of hours. Build from there.

If he’s difficult about it, then that’s a whole other issue.

Even if you’re bf you can go out for an hour on a walk or to the shops or to grab a coffee.

Tell him you fancy a coffee, get in your car and go. Tell him you want a look around x shop, get out and go. Tell him you need a walk, put in a podcast and walk for an hour.

Once you stop bf you should have roughly equal amounts of « you time ». For example, if he is at golf 9-5 on Saturday, you have the following Saturday to go and see family/friends/hobby.

Obviously as pp have said, you need to talk to him about this. Maybe try to frame it not as being annoyed that he is allowed a life, but more that you need to have one too. So, he needs to be more responsible for parenting his children, not see it merely as 'helping' you.

I just had my second baby and can understand your feelings (though my husband doesn't really go out). I'm also EBF and it is a tie.

I went to a mum and baby yoga last week which had tea after and I would highly recommend! It was lovely (though I was just feeding pretty much all the way through) and a great way to meet local mums.

Step 1.
Decide what you would like to do.

When my kids were young, I wanted time alone in my own house. Where I had the freedom to do what I wanted. I mostly had a bath or a nap. While dh, took the kids to the park or library. I really didn't need to know where he took them. What was important to me was that they were safe and I could do anything I wanted without distribution.

I could have gone out, but I didn't feel like going out. I'm an introvert who loves her home. So I stayed in the quite house. It was wonderful! Having the choice to choose what I want to do in a nice calm atmosphere was nice.

Dh interrupted my quite time once, but I got an extra time for that week. Yes, when dc were ill I choose to cancel it. Me being in a better mood and more present was worth it according to dh.

Maybe try that?
I told dh I need sometime to hear my own thoughts and I felt I couldn't do that with the dc around and i need your help.
He ask how can he help me? I said I want alone time in the house for two consecutive hours in a week.
He asked where do you want me and the boys to go?
I said I don't care, you are their father and capable of keeping them safe and organising suitable activities that they would love. He agreed.
Yes, there were hiccups here and there where he felt uneasy on why I needed time booked off and where to take dc. Majority of the time he took them out longer than the agreed time, because the agreement was at least 2hr.

Unfortunately it’s a hard life lesson, u have kids yr life isn’t yr own until they are adults assuming that they rnt SEN and then it can be the whole of yr life.
Sounds like u need to sort out yr relationship problems so u don’t feel jealous of yr husband.

Those are issues you need to deal with. You cannot ignore those as they will impact your relationship and your children.

you can of course go out when you are breastfeeding. Time it between feeds. Have a bottle of emergency pre-made milk ready.

I don’t have hobbies and not many friends
you need to also address this. Have you been attending any groups with the baby?

You need to assert yourself and your needs with your DH

Demand change. Wishing and hoping isn't going to achieve it.

I have no idea percentage wise who does what with dh or I but we each have our own jobs we do and our own interests, he has an actual 'hobby' I just have things I like doing we each work around each other when we are not doing whatever with our child, using the 'women do everything men do nothing' line is lazy, if people follow that they only have themselves to blame

I am not aiming that at the op, but I don't expect my husband to be psychic I am an adult so if I want to do something I arrange it and do it, sure he needed to look after our child when younger but it was on me to arrange what I wanted

It's hard because you've moved into this new position of mum of two and your children depend on you for everything.

There's an element of he shoots and leaves.

His life hasn't really changed but has grown without the responsibility.

I would probably go places with my breastfed children that are hobbies. There's lots of postpartum groups where you can do exercise with children in tow.

Every evening when he gets home from work, make a point of leaving for an hour. Even if it's to just go out to the shops. And every Sunday could be your hobby day, he's just got to carry the children round and you breastfeed regularly.

Keep talking to him too. Communication is the main reason for breakdowns.

Sharing parental leave is great for switching the default parent dynamic and getting an equitable division of responsibilities and competence. As it quite often happens once the baby is being weaned it can also be a good transition point away from the greater dependence on a bf mum in the early days, avoiding thus drifting into becoming permanent even when there's no longer a biological reason. Alternating lie ins/ bed times/ evenings out also really helps.

Bit harsh. Maybe baby was a bottle refuser. Maybe OP wanted baby to reap the benefits of BF rather than consider the risks of formula. We don't even know how old the children are! Maybe they're both toddler & preschool.... 🤷

@Respberrypachouli you can BF and still go out and do things. It's naive and uneducated of some to make you think otherwise. You just need to speak up to your DP in the same way he tells you what he needs/when he's going out. I still BF my toddler. I still have hobbies. I still go out with friends. As does my DH. We support each other to get the space we need to keep our family happy. You can't pour from an empty cup!

I would do a hobby or something. I used go to cinema with friend. Otherwise I got stuck in a rut. To be fair op you need time out too. Just tell him you going

Although you may not fancy time out of the house too much, it will be far more of a break than if you're trying to have a lie in with the children downstairs, probably calling for you

Stop breastfeeding,put child on bottle
then when he’s home take the same amp of time of he does
none of mine were breast fed ,I simply didn’t produce any milk ,and they all turned out fine .
he can’t do equal to you while your breast feeding,but he definitely can if your bottle feeding
it’s your choice how you feed ..

Hi OP, no idea if you're still reading but I can relate - I'm also BFing my 2nd still, at 2 years old, and feeling frustrated that DH is so "free" and I'm so "tied down".

So I feel like I have lots in common with you! But unlike you, I have told DH how I feel and asked him to take the kids out to soft play/ the park/ swimming without me, in return for his solo activities, so that I get some time off too. He's good about it and understands the quid-pro-quo. If you don't tell him how you feel then he can't read your mind, right?

Also I joined in a few good networks of school mums - local FB groups and school gate friends, etc - so that we have a lot of playdates where I get to chat to friends over coffee, and even some mums only meals after kids are asleep - if you're feeling lonely you might find that there are lots of women in the same situation who are happy to socialise with kids in tow.

Lastly, I did some deliberate work around my own mindset. Being "tied down" is also being needed. Our 2nd child is definitely our last and I'm enjoying the closeness and end of the 'baby' years which I'll never have again - as time flies by and I'm suddenly the annoying mum of 2 hulking, sulky teens... It's helped me to take ownership of my own choice to extended BF and not feel like a victim.

Hope maybe some of that helps. Wish you all the best!

Yeah there's no men taking the lions share of the leisure time who have bottle fed babies
From 6 months a ebf baby can be given solids by the dad. From a year they can have some cows milk/formula/water. I bf till around 3 years and as time goes on the breastfeeding is a much smaller part of the what they child wants/needs meaning you could be back at work full time, and still bf in the evening (if you wanted to).
I think focusing on bfing puts the "blame" back onto the OP and doesn't encourage the man to look at his own behaviour (golf all day is clearly selfish)

Christ, some of you clearly have no idea that some babies completely refuse bottles and it isn't just a case of stopping feeding.

That being said, I've EBF all 3 of mine past 1 year and I have still managed to have time to myself whenever I want to. DH has encouraged it and DS2 (15 months ) goes to nursery an extra morning a week so i have scheduled me time every week.

How old is baby? Obviously big difference between how long yould could leave a 4 month old and a 14 month old but DH should absolutely be capable of taking any child out for an hour or so. You don't have to resign yourself to never leaving the house without a baby because you breastfeed!

Are you resentful of the things DH does or just the fact he has things to do alone and you don't? Have you TOLD him that you'd like some alone time?

My aim for 2023 is to live like a man. Making time for me under the assumption that the other parent will always be available to provide childcare. Would highly recommend so far. It’s been enlightening to say the least.

my husband is free to go and do as he pleases

All I want is some support and I really don’t want to tell him off or restrict him

Either you have a very honest conversation with him about why he is being such a selfish twat and non-parent, or you continue to let him drift around with his hobbies and do as he pleases. Because YOU ALLOW IT.

You can't have it both ways. Either step up and change things, or be a martyr for the rest of your life. Your kids will treat you like this too as they will follow the pattern.

You are absolutely bang on, especially with the dressing gown of doom