To be annoyed that my husband is allowed life?

[Respberrypachouli]

I don’t know how to word it but it really annoys me that I need to arrange childcare to go to the bathroom but my husband is free to go and do as he pleases. We have 2 children and I used to be fine with whatever but recently getting increasingly burnt out. My DH plays footie once a week at 7pm. When youngest needs to go to bed and oldest still has an hour before bed time. He went to play golf on Saturday. Which is the whole day, he’s going out on Friday, went out 2 weeks ago. He went on a business trip for a week, went away for a weekend. I’m breastfeeding so can’t do it. I don’t have hobbies and not many friends. All I want is some support and I really don’t want to tell him off or restrict him because I know if it was the other way around he would be happy for me. But recently it sends me into downward spiral thinking that I’ve completely lost my freedom and autonomy whilst he gets to do whatever whenever. Like I would wake him in the morning to help with our baby and after he’s done he can go back to bed. I once asked him why did he do it and he replies “do I have to ask for permission?”. Sorry for the long rant …

YANBU OP. You're the default parent and it's shit. If it makes you feel any better most women find themselves the default parent. Yes do carve out some time for yourself but nothing is going to make him take control of the home situation because he knows you'll do it. You can force him to do some of it, and the place to start as other posters have said is to just go out and leave him with the children.

Honestly it’s really upsetting how many threads there are like this. However I do think it is the OPs fault to a certain extent because she needs to set clear boundaries and expectations of how they should both parent. She needs to communicate with her husband instead of blindly just accepting that he can do what he wants and that she’s the martyr. Of course her husband is not stepping up but he’s being allowed to do so too and quite possibly doesn’t even realise what an arse he is being.

Hi OP, I remember feeling incredibly trapped when I was breastfeeding. I'm now well passed this part of parenting though and I've picked up some hobbies and DH and I both really encourage eachother to do our own thing. I don't think your husband sounds particularly unreasonable, it's just been a particularly busy couple of weeks that's included a business trip so no wonder you're feeling particularly burnt out. Try and get some down time when you can while BF and think about the sort of hobbies you might take up when you don't have a baby strapped to you! I find people on mumsnet can be quickly to call husbands unreasonable for literally anything and that life should be some raise to the bottom.

Good dads support the mother of their children. Good husbands support their wives and make and effort to understand what she needs, what makes her tick and he tries to give that to her. Just as you do for your husband. Then the household thrives.

It really boils my piss reading these threads and there are so many of them. I'm determined to teach my son that should he ever become a husband and father that he MUST pull his weight domestically and with childcare. It causes so many problems in relationships when men do neither and if he doesn't I'll feel like I've failed. My sympathies OP.

Sorry but you sound a bit of a martyr and very passive. There’s nothing stopping you going out, get baby into a bottle and make some plans. Of course both parents have to consult each other before going out that’s normal

Your dh isn’t wrong to do what he dies but he also needs to step up to give you a similar amount of “me” time too.

Until you initiate the conversation, then he won’t do it. Start by asking for a couple of hours between breast feeding then build up over time so that you have equal freedom.

If you feel you can’t ask for this because of his reaction then you have relationship problems and need to post about that instead. If it’s because you feel guilty, then why? You are both entitled to have some down time. You really are! It doesn’t even have to be for something “worthy”. Just time to sit reading a magazine without being disturbed is fine.

Most of the time it really isn't worth it having children...it leads to such a shit show for women. Unless you are really rich and have nannies and cleaners coming out of your ears😭

👋
If all males were brought up like your son, then these type of threads wouldn't exist.

OP, the answer to this lies in your own mouth. If you don't speak up then certainly nothing will change.

Pump a bottle or allow your baby to have formula once a week and book a class/gym/go for a walk/ see a friend for an hour. Baby might not even want a feed when your gone

Arrange for a friend to come over to your house for a cup of tea and some cake once a week

Plan a day out somewhere simple like a park and tell DH her needs to sort out a picnic

The above is not being confrontational it's being an adult. You have needs too

We have 2 children and I used to be fine with whatever

I’d say this was the problem OP, you’ve fell into this routine through no fault on either side, but you’ll only feel worse and worse the longer it goes on and you don’t say anything about how you’re feeling now.

When we’re both in my DD wants to be with me more than her dad, including going to the toilet, but that doesn’t bother me (most the time!) as it’s not his fault, but if I start to feel fed up/overwhelmed I just ask him to watch her for a bit while I go and have half an hour / an hour doing what I want to do.

You don’t have to tell him off or restrict, just explain how you feel, but don’t expect him to solve the problem by being miserable stuck in the house too, as you do sound like you need to get out a bit more, gym, library, hobby group, shopping, lunch date, you need a REASON to go out otherwise you probably won’t, just start small and try and build it up.

then once you’ve got a bit of distance on the situation, if you still feel your DH is doing too much away from the home then have a word. You’ll see pretty soon if your DH really is happy for you to have a life too!

good luck OP.

You chose to limit your own freedom by breastfeeding. You can’t have it all.

Also you don't need to sit down and lay down the new law just say 'oh I'm thinking of meeting my friend in Thursday for an hour or so or I'm going to do a class 6-7 so you can watch the children right?'

Going to play footie once a week is fine.
An occasional golf day, fine.
Business trips, clearly fine.
Occasional weekend away, also fine.

Nothing you have described in these things makes your husband an awful person. He is a human and allowed to have hobbies, even if he is also a father.

Your issue is YOU aren't also doing things, so it makes it seems your husband has a life and you don't.

Go join an exercise class or other class once a week. Arrange an evening out with your friends, or a spa day. Express so your husband can feed the baby.

You say your husband would be happy for you to go out, so do it!!

Of you have hobbies and friends and continuing doing/seeing them.

I've been through this and come out the other side.

Can you have say 2 evenings a week to yourself.

Doing it consistently every week means you don't have to ask DH for permission every week you can just have one conversation to agree on two

At first you might not use them to go out, you can just have some space at home to read, have a bubble bath, moisturose your skin, listen to music, catch up with friends over the phone. Then you might want to join a class for the sake of the class itself but to also to make friends...walking group, gym, yoga, pilates, book club, knitting club, craft club.

Also how about joining peanut or meetups to make new friends.

If you want more you time (and that's a good idea) then plan for it. Get baby used to bottle, express a little when you can and stash in freezer, or if baby older they could have a little formula now and again.
Change up routines, dad settles baby to bed sometimes etc. do not do it all because it's easier , repeat that over and over, do not be the only one the kids come to.
Book to go for a swim, haircut, meet friends , join a class of some sort, sit in coffee shop and read book but do it and stick to it, tell dad to only contact you in emergency and you don't really want to hear if he found it hard. Keep doing it, as regularly as he does.
I really believe it is good for everyone, good for his bonding , for you to feel like you, and then of course for him to appreciate you.

Small children are overwhelming and more so when you are breastfeeding one of them.

I feel like there's lots going on in your post. You feel overwhelmed by it all and need an escape but you seem to have lost yourself a bit so don't have anything to escape to. Your dh does have some escapes and this compounds your feelings of being trapped.

Firstly, you need to find yourself a bit, this is hard but try and find some clubs / activities / hobbies that won't take up too much time away from the babies For example a book group, a sport group, a craft group. Think about setting you're interested in. Then make a commitment to trying to do it. Let your dh know that you are feeling a bit overwhelmed by parenting and that you want to take some time out and let him know the day of the week etc. Do it, every week even if it's scary, out of your comfort zone etc. You can gradually add in more things for you. Even if you can't find a hobby, maybe speak to some fellow Mum's and see if they fancy a child free catch up once a month, book a meal, go to a cinema etc.

Another issue you hibt at is that your dh is a bit absent even when home e.g. going back to bed and leaving you with sole parenting responsibilities. The only way to fix this is to have an honest conversation. When my two were really little and early risers we had a system where one would get up on the Sat and the other on the Sunday. Try and make it a bit fairer. Even if you have to get up and feed and then can't go back to sleep, just insist on going back to bed with a cuppa and a book and a break.

You desperately need to look into counselling.

You have had children with a very selfish man.

You are utterly deluded if you think he will be happy to help despite avoiding doing exactly that.

You sound afraid of him.

Only a frightened woman would be accepting his behaviour.

He is a selfish partner and an avoidant parent.

You are exhausted because he is not sharing the parenting load or supporting you.

In other words a selfish loser.

I felt very much the same as you until I had a chat with my husband.
A few chats actually and he is now pulling his weight so to speak.
My OH genuinely didn’t realise that I needed help because I was just getting on with things. Chat with your OH.
You don’t need to stop breastfeeding, that’s not where the problem lies x

Having no friends and no hobbies is your problem here.

A regular day at the golf is not ok with two small children. If he gets that, and then you head off on the Sunday (as presumably he realises you're owed the same amount of free time) then when can you all do stuff together with the kids?
So many men are like this. I'm sure it contributes to the numbers of divorces.

Leaving your spouse unsupported and do 100% of the gruntwork of bringing kids up isn't a "good father" by any stretch of the imagination.

However, young kids are very physically dependant on you for the 1st few years and it can be a bit claustrophobic at times. You maybe need to start a hobby - I found walking was a great excuse to get out of the house at bedtime for a hour especially with the lighter evenings. I'd grab the dog, shove headphones on and just switch off for an hour. The kids were horrified at first, and screamed that Dad shouted/was mean to them but they all got used to it. I then joined a gym and often used to just go and sit in the bar area with a coffee and my book if I couldn't be arsed to exercise.. or sit in the hot tub so I smelled of chlorine!

Life does get easier as the kids get older, but you really need to stand up for yourself when you're married to someone who doesn't see your needs I'm afraid.

I could have wrote this a few years back, it is incredibly frustrating, you're not asking to go out but would like the freedom your husband has to come and go as he pleases. I think with you breastfeeding it is hard for you to go anywhere without the baby anyway, unless you're able to express and they'd take a bottle from your husband?

My son was bottle fed so I can't relate to the BF but when I felt like this I sat my DP down and he just asked me what I wanted which ultimately your husband needs to know, I know it's frustrating we have to tell them everything but without being straight they don't understand!

I started the gym when I started having cabin fever like this and my god it helped so much! Just to have an hour to go out on my own and the exercising really helped my mental health. If you don't fancy the gym, take an hour out each week or every few days to go to costa/shopping (for you not supermarket!) or even just go sit in your car on a car park with a book. Whatever you enjoy doing! If you carry on like this you'll go insane and that'll be no good for you or your kids.

Also just mention how you feel it is unfair your DH gets to go out when he pleases and doesn't have to give you 10 working days notice!

It sounds hard, OP but the time with small children can feel like being trapped.
So you have to decide what you want.

How long will you breastfeed? that will play a part

You say you have no hobbies - do you want to start one? how about you take up golf, that way you and DH could alternate Golf Saturdays, and when the DCs are big enough you can go together (maybe take them too, it's a good walk spoiled IMO, but they may enjoy the fresh air) or start something else. Yoga is really good for clearing the mind. You could go to a class on a weekinght, then alternate Golf Saturday with OP Saturday and go to yoga then have a nice sauna or something? It is hard to come at someone with "meh, i want time off too" and not have something in mind because they just bamboozle you into agreeing that you don't actually have something to do (which is a valid thing, but these conversations are harder than that)

On the Football evening how about you delay the baby's bedtime by 30 minutes, then do a long story, and talk about your day with the baby and your older one and then they both go to bed? once a week won't hurt, and if you do find an evening activity, twice a week won't hurt them too if your DH does that too.

Good luck