To be annoyed that my husband is allowed life?

[Respberrypachouli]

I don’t know how to word it but it really annoys me that I need to arrange childcare to go to the bathroom but my husband is free to go and do as he pleases. We have 2 children and I used to be fine with whatever but recently getting increasingly burnt out. My DH plays footie once a week at 7pm. When youngest needs to go to bed and oldest still has an hour before bed time. He went to play golf on Saturday. Which is the whole day, he’s going out on Friday, went out 2 weeks ago. He went on a business trip for a week, went away for a weekend. I’m breastfeeding so can’t do it. I don’t have hobbies and not many friends. All I want is some support and I really don’t want to tell him off or restrict him because I know if it was the other way around he would be happy for me. But recently it sends me into downward spiral thinking that I’ve completely lost my freedom and autonomy whilst he gets to do whatever whenever. Like I would wake him in the morning to help with our baby and after he’s done he can go back to bed. I once asked him why did he do it and he replies “do I have to ask for permission?”. Sorry for the long rant …

It was a battle and there would be a big row every so often and things would improve for a bit but then it would slip again. But I didn’t let him keep getting away with it and that was key. It wasn’t that he did it deliberately, but he was oblivious to how much I did and my mental load juggling endless demands, whilst he swanned around doing exactly what he wanted! It was thoughtless and immature. We currently live overseas, through his work. Kids are 6 and 9 and we moved 4 years ago. I didn’t work initially here, so it became easier to manage and help is very affordable here, which is a big plus. He still goes out a lot and travels endlessly, as his job requires it now as well, but I am able to handle it all. I do wonder though, if we had stayed in the UK, how it would have been and whether I would have gone it alone in the end as the resentment and frustration at the double standards would have gotten too much, along with constant fighting and reminding him, “what about me!”

You’re bf your child. That’s more important than anything he’s doing.

I felt the same while the kids were tiny - but then developed more freedom and my partner was happy for me to go out and to arrange weekends away with friends - I just had to plan it, and ask. It can feel very isolating at this stage. Do you have friends round/dinner parties still?

Can you not pop out for an hour here and there? I'd leave dc with dh and pop out for a walk, to the shops or to meet friends for an hour or two quite regularly.
When you stop bfing, then go out longer and dh is well practised in looking after dcs.

Thank you @TmFid .
My partner sounds v similar .Not deliberately unkind but oblivious .

I was overwhelmed when we had our son and I just didn't have the energy or mindset to drag him into the real world of parenting and being part of a team .

30 years on he's still pretty much the same and I resent him dreadfully .We mainly go our separate ways and I'm lucky that we have a large flat where we're not bumping into eachother and that we do have separate interests .

I’m so sorry. That does sound very difficult, especially if 30 years later it’s left you disconnected. That’s the thing isn’t it, if it’s not resolved, then the resentment just keeps building until it’s insurmountable. I think whilst we are in a comfortable bubble overseas, which is probably still for another few years, it’s all contained. Reality will hit in the UK return. It’s frustrating because I don’t think men like this mean any malicious ill will, but they shouldn’t have to be spoon fed and ”managed” in order to get them to do their equal share and be considerate.

It’s frustrating because I don’t think men like this mean any malicious ill will, but they shouldn’t have to be spoon fed and ”managed” in order to get them to do their equal share and be considerate.
We're very much on the same page here @TmFid !
Sounds very transactional (if that's the right word but I think much comes down to whether there are compensatory features in the oblivious one!

Don't stop the breast feeding, which is important to you and your baby and contributes to the mother/child dyad and is lovely, but you can read while feeding either for yourself or to a toddler, because you have a hand free (unlike bottle feeding). I did so and have a picture of me doing it. Also, breastfed babies are portable - is there a mother and baby group or anything near you, where you might meet other mothers? Your DH perhaps does not realise that you need support and that the answer to his question of whether he needs permission to go back to bed is 'yes' - or go back to bed yourself. If you are a SAHM and he goes to work he may not realise that you are on duty 24/7 (many men do not realise this) and that you also need a life, too. He can't know unless you tell him.

This ^^

Even if a few times a week you just go for a nice walk on your own, or meet a friend for a coffee or even pop and see siblings or parents on your own without the kids….
gym/swimming or whatever….
just claim a few hours a week for yourself and tell him you need me time too!
plam it once a week so that he does the bedtime routine and tell him you don’t need permission !

Why not? Looks pretty simple to me, especially the 'have no more children with him' part.

Why do mothers find it sooo haaaard to go to the bathroom for 2 minutes? Babies won't die from this.

Why would you live like this when there are so many better ways? You would probably be so much happier alone.

Hi op, I'm bf a 4 month old and I get moments of this but I know its because I chose to breastfeed. I express bottles so my dh can take over but to be fair he's very hands on and he wouldn't just take off to bed without checking if I needed anything first. The bit that's missing is communication from him on what his plans are, and from you asking him exactly what you need from him and telling him no when you actually want him at home for a hand. He shouldn't be shocked that his social life will be affected by a baby. I told my dh last night that I want him to be lead parent this afternoon so I can do whatever jobs I want to round the house (not a trip to the spa but it's how I want to spend my afternoon) so he'll only bring baby to me for feeds and take him away after.

You need to actually tell him he's taking the piss! Ideally in a perfect world yes he wouldn't but as he's carrying on and you've said nothing then you need to speak up!

@Scalottia - lots of reasons why I live like this .
Some of them I don't want to go into on here but my partner honestly isn't a bad man and some of the responsibility for the state of our relationship is mine .
We're not emotionally honest with eachother ,I've not told him truly how I feel about living with him .I believe he would be very hurt if I told him I wanted to separate ,this would mar my happiness in living alone.
I guess while it's far from perfect ,and I feel dishonest ,it's not bad enough to break up "the happy home" .

This is literally a story of 99% of mothers out there.
I agree with previous posters. You need to insist with DH to get some me-time. Just book it and go for a walk on your own. Invite another mum for a coffee etc.
You can express milk and leave it in the fridge for hubby to feed. Please look after your mental health, me-time is very important.

Stop breastfeeding honestly it did wonder for my mental health (he had the antibodies when they were important). DS is now 9 and I'm slowly getting my life back, I fit stuff in around him. DH works shifts and is at work, so for example today I watched his 9am football match, we are having dinner then going for a bike ride. Tonight he has a martial arts class so I will get a day pass and go to the gym in the same building. I don't feel guilty I'm not watching his martial arts as he's had my attention, when he was younger I would also take him to Zumba with the electronic babysitter 🤷‍♀️