To be annoyed that my husband is allowed life?

[Respberrypachouli]

I don’t know how to word it but it really annoys me that I need to arrange childcare to go to the bathroom but my husband is free to go and do as he pleases. We have 2 children and I used to be fine with whatever but recently getting increasingly burnt out. My DH plays footie once a week at 7pm. When youngest needs to go to bed and oldest still has an hour before bed time. He went to play golf on Saturday. Which is the whole day, he’s going out on Friday, went out 2 weeks ago. He went on a business trip for a week, went away for a weekend. I’m breastfeeding so can’t do it. I don’t have hobbies and not many friends. All I want is some support and I really don’t want to tell him off or restrict him because I know if it was the other way around he would be happy for me. But recently it sends me into downward spiral thinking that I’ve completely lost my freedom and autonomy whilst he gets to do whatever whenever. Like I would wake him in the morning to help with our baby and after he’s done he can go back to bed. I once asked him why did he do it and he replies “do I have to ask for permission?”. Sorry for the long rant …

Could to join a gym that does swimming and yoga etc? You could go for an evening swim or yoga class or at the weekends? Maybe be stay on for a bit a have a coffee etc. would give you a bit a me time. He can’t really say no considering how often he goes out.

You are the default parent. Happens so often and it is infuriating. He's saying does he need to ask for permission? Yes of course he does if it means you're left doing everything and I bet you have to! Or feel you do. You can't both be off at weekends, so would he be happy to forgo his hobby at weekends for you to do the same.

The breast feeding won't last forever, but there are some freedoms you can have. You also don't want this to carry on after the breast feeding is over. Also, people telling her to stop breast feeding so she can get a break? I think her husband had to step up before this. Why is this just her problem to solve?! He needs the default parent thing pointing out to him. You need to talk about it. You deserve leisure time too.

When you’re no longer breastfeeding I suggest you take the bull by the horns and go out.
Join a club, exercise class, hobby group. Whatever.
Do it whilst you’re breastfeeding if you have a long enough interval ( don’t know how old your baby is )
Do a day long painting class or take up golf. Whatever. As your dh can have a whole day to himself so can you.
You are being a martyr and if you don’t take back control of your life asap you will be until your dc have left home. By then you won’t know what life is like not being a martyr and neither will your dh.

You’re allowing your dh to not understand what life is like with kids. He too has to realise that, yes, he should discuss if it’s OK for him to go out for a whole day and leave you to care for his and your kids. I bet you’d discuss it with him if you wanted to.

Whilst you have said he’d be ok with it, would he, why did he say “ do I have to ask”

I think it's a really difficult time when you are a new mum to young children, especially when you add in breastfeeding.

You have suddenly given up your entire life and your DH's life is pretty much as it was before. I used to feel exactly the same resentment with my husband.

I was being held prisoner with a newborn and a toddler and he was still able to go to work every day, go to the gym, play sports at the weekend etc. Even went on the odd stag do!

None of these things are a big deal and the truth is I didn't actually want to do any of those things myself, I was just frustrated that I couldn't without a pre-arrangement.

It's a massive adjustment, but it's temporary. And, I'm ready to be shot down for this comment, but I think it takes men a bit of time to realise that the children aren't 'yours' and they are equally responsible for them. Because pregnancy, breastfeeding, maternity leave etc. But if you've chosen a good man to have kids with then they adjust too and things get better.

It definitely took me returning to work to get my husband to really understand that he has children that he is jointly responsible for getting ready/nursery run/ packing bags/ sick days/ bedtime and so on.

I remember one morning I was exhausted, the house was chaos and DH was cheerily bouncing out the door to work. I said I wished I was the one that just got to 'piss off out' and we had a argument over whose life was more stressful 🥴

My children are both upper primary school now and those days are far behind us. Hang in there OP, it's a hard time in all relationships.

I had two bottle refusers, one of whom had CMPA and soya intolerance so it was either breast milk or having to get a revolting prescription formula.
I still managed to chisel out bits of a life between feeds from 4m when they could go 90mins between feeds. That got easier as the feeds spaced out. By 10m they were coping with a day without me at nursery, which meant they also could cope without me for hours in the loving care of DH too. By DS2 I had a lot more confidence in my supply and at 12m could manage weekends away (albeit with my breast pump to manage engorgement)

In the early days I could fit in an exercise class, and with DS2 who was a needier, cluster feeder, took up C25k because it could fit in flexibly. I discovered that I got a great sense of achievement out of running, and as DS2 got a bit bigger, I started doing races.

I know when DH is likely to be free, I book my events in with plenty of notice and tell him what I'm doing. In return I'm also pretty free to manage while he works away or has leisure time.

Babies/ children definitely affect the logistics of leisure time, but if both parents are reasonable people and communicate so they each get a fair amount of time, then there's no need to get trapped into martyr mode. The toughest days pass fairly quickly too in the grand scheme of things so don't let that set an ongoing default.

👏🏽 👏🏽👏🏽 see this all the time. Wish women would read these threads before getting into the same mess.

I completely understand how frustrating and exhausting it can be to feel like you have no time for yourself and no support from your partner. It sounds like you're carrying a lot of the responsibility for childcare and household duties, while your husband is able to go out and do his own thing.

Why are WOMEN constantly blamed for the inadequacies of MEN? For fuck's sake!

My friend invented a book club to get away from her H/DC/home once a fortnight. It's her sitting alone in her car reading her book. Or in the pub reading her book / scrolling phone. Fair play I think

I just joined one, while dh was home looking after our baby

I agree with this in many ways. I’ve got a caring husband but he needs a lot of encouragement when it comes to a lot of aspects of home life - not all, mind.

I do also agree with the PPs though that we don’t half enable it. EG from when they’re newborns by letting them off the hook as they are “too nervous” dressing/bathing a newborn. This is what I had. As they grow, this becomes “They prefer you doing it” or “They want you to comfort them” and perhaps they do in some cases, especially the comforting with young babies, but we need to share the load as much as possible. It’s a cycle that needs breaking ASAP, ideally from newborns.

So I agree with all those saying to change this status quo you seem to have, before it goes on any longer and happens throughout the kids’ childhood c3 and is just the way it is.

Try setting out clear chores eg he does bath time or bed time or whatever on certain days. Also have your weekly commitments just like him.

Good luck. Hopefully a proper conversation and communication can sort this.

I think you would benefit from guaranteed time off that you don't need to negotiate. If you have a few hours when you either left the house, or were available for breastfeeds only, but disappeared to another part of the house whilst your DH sorted the kids, it would be really helpful for you. I think part of the problem is the negotiation, asking your DH, the organisation of it is another thing to do. So do away with that, make the time protected, and if your DH wants to vary the time, he needs to discuss that with you, rather than the other way around. You could have for example, Saturday mornings between 9am and 11am that's your time. You're free to leave between feeds and do whatever. If your DH wants to encroach on that time for something he wants to do, he needs to discuss that with you, and propose an alternative mutually agreeable time for your time off. If however your book an exercise class or whatever, that's up for negotiation only rarely. Then your husband can have similar alone time that he doesn't need to negotiate. Any other time to yourselves needs to be discussed and mutually agreed. It sounds a bit rigid and restrictive, but imo it works, and is the best and least stressful way to actually get the time..If you're struggling to find the opportunity for time to yourself now on an ad hoc basis, you might just need to be a bit rigid about it and "protect" it, until your child is older and less dependent on either of you.

Hi 👋 Op @Respberrypachouli

Are you able to express your breast milk into a breastfeeding Express pump then?

As you could have more of a break with friends or discovering new hobbies interests, you are curious about or interested in

Agree with @AndTheSurveySays You need to get out of the rut, either ask for help or pay for it. Take control of your own life. At the moment it seems like you have no control

"There's going to be loads of posters popping up soon saying their husband does 50% of everything. Some will say he does way more than 50%. It's absolute rubbish."

It's really not. I purposefully dated only men that pulled their weight and do equal shares for this reason. I'm not prepared to spend my life doing more than 50% with someone.

I was like this. I now go out every 2 weeks for half the day to get my nails done and see my freind. I do feel guilty sometimes but then I have to remind myself i do everything at home and I deserve it. I have a 3 year old and almost 2 year old, and I'm pregnant with no. 3 and breastfed too. I will hopefuly breastfeed the next. You can make it work. I will still get my nails done when baby 3 is here.

*Most men do fuck-all. As a woman, when you have a baby, even if you're in a relationship/married, you're going to have to accept that you're pretty much going to be giving your life to the children and the household. Because your husband will absolutely everything he can to do fuck-all.

He is quite often 'too tired' and sometimes he is conveniently 'ill' at Christmas, and walks around in his dressing gown of doom... So you have to do everything, and find yourself doing everything for the extended family and his extended family, like buying presents and organising EVERYTHING. Welcome to being a wife and mother. Great, isn't it?*

Only if you allow yourself to get into that situation.

@EvelynKatie

This made me laugh so much. 😂 So, your scenario is that you picked ONLY men who pulled their weight around the house, and did 50% of everything......... And then you married a man, and had children with him, and he has always picked up 50% of EVERYTHING?! All the night feeds, nappy changes, bathing, washing up, getting up for baby/toddler in the night, the washing, cooking, food shopping, cleaning, general grunt work, home admin, GP and hospital visits, dentist visits, nurse appointments, all school appointments etc etc etc....?

No, I thought not. Coz it's never happened. Not with ANY MAN. And it never will.

I bet you're not even married with children. If you're NOT married, WITH children, then your opinion on this thread is irrelevant, and null and void. Because the thread is about the amount of work women with children have to do, because their lazy ass men CBA to pull their finger out, get off their fat arse, and do something!

PMSL. So naive.

Perhaps you are. Or perhaps you need a better partner?

I think you've chosen the wrong type of partner if you find this hard to believe.

Nope. But a lot of women do!!!

Nice try.