To be annoyed that my husband is allowed life?

[Respberrypachouli]

I don’t know how to word it but it really annoys me that I need to arrange childcare to go to the bathroom but my husband is free to go and do as he pleases. We have 2 children and I used to be fine with whatever but recently getting increasingly burnt out. My DH plays footie once a week at 7pm. When youngest needs to go to bed and oldest still has an hour before bed time. He went to play golf on Saturday. Which is the whole day, he’s going out on Friday, went out 2 weeks ago. He went on a business trip for a week, went away for a weekend. I’m breastfeeding so can’t do it. I don’t have hobbies and not many friends. All I want is some support and I really don’t want to tell him off or restrict him because I know if it was the other way around he would be happy for me. But recently it sends me into downward spiral thinking that I’ve completely lost my freedom and autonomy whilst he gets to do whatever whenever. Like I would wake him in the morning to help with our baby and after he’s done he can go back to bed. I once asked him why did he do it and he replies “do I have to ask for permission?”. Sorry for the long rant …

I’ve made an account solely to reply to this post. I just want you to know this is completely normal. The feelings you are feeling are valid and I’ve been there. I’m still there sometimes. I watched a video after my first son called postpartum resentment and that completely resonated with me. I do resent that my husbands life hasn’t changed as much as mine.
I’m a mum of 2 and I think this time round I just have different expectations of him and that’s helped a lot. They just don’t think like we do because they don’t have to. I think in their heads we have it covered and we do it better. Just keep communicating and explaining what you need. They aren’t mind readers and will constantly ask us to tell them what we want. Even though it’s the same thing we always want we just have to keep repeating it.
In my experience having a bit more sleep allows me to think a bit clearer. It is important to try and carve out date time. I know it’s hard because yet again you will be checking the calendars and arranging childcare and packing the kids bags etc and he gets yet another day off but in my experience you need that time to connect and enjoy each other and just be you 2 rather than mum and dad.
Being the default parent is hard and breastfeeding is hard . I fed both of mine for a year each and you feel like life will never get better. You want to do it and you feel guilty if you take time away and even then you need to pump so it’s not really free time. It does get better I promise you. Just keep telling him what you need . Decide on how often each of you get ‘me time’ even if that’s him getting up and letting you lie in bed and eat for a bit or go for a bath or a walk or to the shops for an hour. You have them all the time and he needs to learn to have them solo too.
Sorry for the rant but if all you get from this is that you’re normal and your feelings are valid then I’m glad. No-one should make you feel bad for having a hard time or feeling any way. Everyone’s lives are different.

I read this just as I waved partner away as they left for a few days away on a golf trip with their pals. I absolutely don’t grudge them a wee trip away but, being the default parent, can be hard sometimes. The trip was all organised & then I was told about it once booked. There’s always a presumption that, as I’ve no other plans, I’ll be here for the kids. Today started other half asking where they overnight bag was. I did laugh & think: ‘I’ve had one trip away since our eldest was born over 10year ago so I wouldn’t know where to find it’.

I’m fortunate that I could go away etc if I wanted to. I’m extremely anxious about being away from my kids - other half has no such anxiety but is very understanding of mine. But, in the ten plus years of adding to our family, my other half’s life hasn’t drastically changed. I’ve started arranging regular early evening meals out with friends - everything left for other half so there isn’t chaos at home! Small steps but getting me a bit of me back.

Pick your battles. Football once a week is fine. One parent needs to be able to put all children to bed in case of illness/emergency etc and football is a cheap hobby.
Pick something you would like to do of an evening, gym class, swimming, book club, wine with friends and do it every week.
business trips are obviously fine.
golf days and nights out are where I would focus on. The conversation would be around that you thought it would be nice to do something as a family and share the load as you have had a busy time of things covering the whole house whilst he was away with work etc. I go away with work a lot and absolutely hate it and find it exhausting so don’t assume that’s fun for him unless you know he enjoys them.
you won’t say how old the youngest is, but when do you go back to work? You might find the dynamic changes slightly then

Had to create an account specifically to reply to this because this could have been me a year ago!

Some of the replies here show zero empathy.

I totally understand how you feel. My partner works away and my baby literally would not sleep unless she was touching me, but was also super sensitive to EVERYTHING, so wouldn’t go to sleep in the living room which meant I would be in bed with her by 7 every night while my partner was out at the pub with his colleagues.

It can feel so isolating and lonely, and when your baby relies on you so much you just feel like your body isn’t yours anymore.

It can feel scary or nerve wracking leaving your baby, but perhaps you could start with your partner taking the children for an afternoon walk while you stay at home and have a nice bath and read a book/watch some tv. It’s so important to have that time to yourself, but I totally understand how hard it can be to put yourself first. I found that once I was ready to have a bit of time away from my baby, I started to feel a bit more like myself.

I also had many, many disagreements with my partner because he just could not understand what it was like to have zero freedom and he couldn’t see that although he was working, he also got time to do stuff just for him while I was with our baby 24/7. We are in a much better place now and he understands my perspective better and now tries to encourage me to go out and do stuff with my friends more.

Sorry for the longwinded reply, I just wanted you to know you’re not alone! 💕

OP, I know the feeling well. I could feel the burning resentment of 'default parenting' as DH would just walk off for a leisure shit where as if I wanted to go to the loo, I would have to tell someone. Even with the BEST Dads, that is often just how it is, especially with BF.

Talk to him about how you are feeling. Dont make it about him, or what he does. Say how you feel.

Start small. Feed youngest, hand over to Dad, tell him you are heading off to the shops. Go for an hour wonder around the supermarket.

Build it from there.

I felt the same when mine were babies/toddlers, I think it’s a totally common feeling OP. So don’t beat yourself up. I felt such resentment towards my husband, that his life was impacted by becoming parents than mine was. Always the presumption that he could just go out for a drink or two after work, and that I was fine to have the kids without asking. The rage I felt when I was expecting him to walk in the door at 6pm ish to help get through that last witching hour of bath/bed routine…… and then to receive a blasé text at 6.05 (an hour after he should have left work and should be walking through the door) saying “oh by the way I’ve gone for a few drinks, be back in an hour or two”. Wanted to wring his neck! It is hard being the default parent, especially more so when you are breastfeeding.
I can assure you that it does get better with time, after you stop feeding and they are a little older. Mine are all at school now and my social life is back to normal and I have plenty of me-time. Looking back I think the one holding me back when they were little - WAS ME and not my husband. The mum guilt of doing things without your children. Martyring yourself until you are mentally and physically exhausted. All caused by me! I would really recommend talking to your husband about how you are finding it tough not getting any break, without making him feel like it is his fault. Ask for his help to find times in the diary when you can regularly get out the house for a break too. What did you enjoy pre children? Go to the gym, go for a swim, join some kind of social group. The only one who can improve the situation is you, by actively booking in time for yourself. X

@Respberrypachouli he can do this because you enable it.

Next time you just want to pee in peace, you hand over the kids and you leave the house. Go sit in a local supermarket or cafe for a couple of hours and enjoy the breathing room. Turn off your phone too.

If you hand over the responsibility and stop giving him the choice, he will step up. He will learn how hard it is but you have to force it. Physically leave him alone with them and remove his access to you. If you leave your phone on he will just call and whinge. He helped make those babies so he needs to learn how to father them but he never will if you always step up!

BF is great but it restricts you. Pump, show him where the milk is in the fridge or leave him written instructions and then take yourself away for an hour or two.

Definately also look up local mum and baby groups you can join as well to get you out and less isolated.

Those who can’t comprehend op perhaps giving up breastfeeding cos ‘that’s what’s best for baby’

well it’s not best for baby if it causes her to go under with her mental health is it?

sometimes you have to put yourself first op

Sorry I feel like you've had some really unhelpful comments at the start there. You don't just "stop breastfeeding" and to say that you a mother is really unsupportive.

You didn't say how old the little ones are. (Sorry if you did later I've haven't read all the comments).

I totally get how you feel and have been in a very similar boat for the past 6 years (3 children) all breastfed. It is hard not to resent your partners freedom compared to your own so I totally get it but it is really important for you both to have things for yourself in life. It is just harder for a breastfeeding mother but not impossible.

Could you talk to him about the ‘do I need to ask for permission?’ line? You need to point out to him that you do need to ask for permission, as you need to make sure he’s there when you’re heading out, as you’re currently default parent. While you don’t want to restrict his movements parenting is a partnership, he has to check in with you and vice versa. Then start with some small things for you, like saying ‘I’m off out for a walk’ and go. How will he react to that? Hopefully it’s eye opening for him and he’ll step up and start encouraging you to get some freedom back.

I was in exactly the same position a couple of months ago and we’re worked really hard to change our mindset as it was causing a lot of resentment to build up which doesn’t end well. What did you respond to his permission comment because yes actually he does need to ask for permission/ok it with you. When he is not at work he is 50% responsible for parenting regardless of breastfeeding, you just need to be in close proximity as the food source. Just because you have to be physically around because of breastfeeding this shouldn’t mean you are there to parent 24/7 and you don’t need to be responsible for the child(ren). You need time off too.

Could your partner take baby out for a walk or you go for a coffee or to do something within 10 min drive from baby?

BF is very tying and can be exhausting. I had one who would not take a bottle no matter what, and who I had to bf in an interval of a theatre show once! But it doesn’t last forever. When you are able to go out, just do so in exactly the same way your DH does. Let him know what you’re doing and what your plan is. You don’t need to ask for his help, just be communicative and courteous.

Yeah I totally get you. My life is similar. I have friends but don't get to see them very often and when i do I go for a few hours Max. My parter doesn't go out that often but when he does he will do a full night out. But it's down to me and I just feel guilty being out that long , he wouldn't stop me. When your little ones ones a bit older we will do more I'm sure.

Omg yes!! The "leisurely shit" just got me 😂it's so true! That's what dads can't get - they literally just walk out of the room to do what they need to do and don't even check. If I go for a shower etc I'm all "watch her for 10 minutes, I've got her a snack" etc 🤦🏼‍♀️

I think just telling her to stop bfing is unhelpful, but asking if it's a possibility it if the youngest is old enough? Totally understandable. I think sometimes when you're bfing you get sucked into this obsession of carrying on bfing at the expense of everything else. I wish I wasn't so stuck on bfing when i was tbh, it wasn't good for my mental health. It's not an awful thing to reassess whether carrying on is the right thing to do.

"Stop breastfeeding" is such a unhelpful comment

Yell your husband what you need from him. See your GP, you might have PND.
Don't assume men know what women need. Men don't have the same mental load.

Don’t need to wait to finish breastfeeding.

OP BF shouldn’t be, and isn’t ime, a ball and chain. When my eldest was 7 months I went back to work leaving him 8-6 in nursery 3 days a week. I continued BFing to 14 months. So it needn’t hold you back from all that much. If you’re youngest is tiny, that’s different, but then that doesn’t last long.

I agree, deeply unhelpful. If child is tiny, it’s awful advice, if child older, you can work round it. And it’s just not really the issue.

I voted YABU, not because it is unreasonable for you to be fed up, but it is unreasonable for you to let this go on. You need to talk to your husband about this and divide things up better.

Do you think you may have a touch of post natal depression ? Men do seem to be a bit selfish sometimes but is it something you would normally take in your stride?

How about having a heartfelt conversation explaining how overwhelmed and burnt out you are. Also, try talking to a therapist, try keeping yourself a little spruced up, even though you’re tired, that’ll perk up your self image. Taking care of a house and family is very demanding and you need to give yourself credit for it.

While you are BF, you're kinda stuck. But as soon as youngest is weaned, announce on Monday that you have plans for next Saturday. And should he say a word, reply, "Do I need to ask for permission?" If you have to set the alarm for 5 AM to get out before he gets up to do whatever, it's well worth it.

I feel for you. My husband was much the same when ours were very small. Work drinks a couple of times a week, travel, sports and it was utterly exhausting. You have to speak up and prioritise what you want. I had to because i hadn’t signed up to do it alone. It’s not fair nor is it right.

@TmFid -did he respond quickly or was it a battle to keep him on track ? Is he still engaged in family ,home ,you now the children are older ?