To be annoyed that my husband is allowed life?

[Respberrypachouli]

I don’t know how to word it but it really annoys me that I need to arrange childcare to go to the bathroom but my husband is free to go and do as he pleases. We have 2 children and I used to be fine with whatever but recently getting increasingly burnt out. My DH plays footie once a week at 7pm. When youngest needs to go to bed and oldest still has an hour before bed time. He went to play golf on Saturday. Which is the whole day, he’s going out on Friday, went out 2 weeks ago. He went on a business trip for a week, went away for a weekend. I’m breastfeeding so can’t do it. I don’t have hobbies and not many friends. All I want is some support and I really don’t want to tell him off or restrict him because I know if it was the other way around he would be happy for me. But recently it sends me into downward spiral thinking that I’ve completely lost my freedom and autonomy whilst he gets to do whatever whenever. Like I would wake him in the morning to help with our baby and after he’s done he can go back to bed. I once asked him why did he do it and he replies “do I have to ask for permission?”. Sorry for the long rant …

It's shocking the people on here who genuinely believe men can't pull their weight or do 50% of the childcare and household chores. Yes it is possible and yes that's exactly how my relationship works. Men are more than capable of doing it.

@EvelynKatie

And you're definitely not married with children! Yeah, you haven't got a clue about what the OP and many posters on this thread are on about..... Gotta love people giving opinions on things they know shag-all about. 😆 Some people get annoyed by people like you. I just laugh at you.

The answer to ‘do i need to ask permission’
is ‘YES!’.
Things change when you have a baby.
you need to ask permission if you’re off back to bed, or out playing golf, or out with friends etc.
you are only as free as he is present … he needs to understand that.

Oh yeah they CAN, they just can't be arsed. Lazy as fuck some men. As a pp said, they pretend they can't do it, they're afraid, the baby prefers mum etc etc, and before a woman knows it, she's doing everything! What a result! (For the man!)

Next....... man finds hobbies that take him away from his family and household responsibilities, and suddenly he has to do more hours at work. Textbook!

Utterly farcical that a few posters are trying to pretend the men THEY know would NEVER be like this. Oh noooooooooo!

He might be a good father but he’s not a good husband. When you have kids together there’s a limited amount of opportunity for personal life away from the kids, and he’s taking it all for himself and leaving you with none.

@DannyZukosSmile yes as you say, some men.

And some men don't do that.

Maybe huge just never met one!

You've not huge 😂

It’s surprising how many men manage to do 50% when you have minimal commitments. They’re happy to do half because there isn’t actually a lot to be done. But as soon as a huge burden like a child comes along they suddenly become very busy at work and very selfish. Just because they do their share of a small burden doesn’t mean they’ll do their share of a large burden. Lots of them just push it all onto the mum and fuck off.

Nonsense

Many of us breastfeed and get our freedom back and find ways to have a life regardless.

Why can't she just say 'im going out for a glass of wine on my own' or whatever? I find inventing an activity a bit bonkers, I know others who have done it. If I want an evening to sit in a cafe eating cake and scrolling my phone I tell my husband and plan it and that would be gran.

So hang on, you've described what you think most men do, without actually knowing yourself what most men do because you haven't let yourself get into that situation? Is that because you're not married with kids yourself?

Blimey, you need to talk to him!! You're married to him - surely you can talk to him? Tell him you feel taken for granted and say that you want to have equal down time. Then have a think about what you want to do.

Your needs and wants are just as important as his.

Just a handhold from me as it sounds familiar
My partner does everything he wants to do, hobbies, night out and football, and regular trips abroad..and he has a problem with me going for a run and having a bath which takes an hour.
I never had a 2nd child for these reasons.
Can't stand lazy bastard men.
Have you spoken to him?
It's probably not great advice but have you thought about just walking out of the door? Saying , I'm going for a coffee, I'll be an hour. ..and leave some expressed milk for him. I've done this when had enough.
I hope it gets better for you x

I completely agree with this. It cannot be that the default is that you look after the children whilst he goes out whenever he wants. He needs to check with you each and every time that it's OK, unless you have a pre-agreeed arrangement that he's out every Thursday evening, or whatever. A shared calendar can be helpful. If it's not agreed in advance and in the calendar, he can't presume that it can happen. If he throws a massive strop at this, he is not a good husband. You are not a team.

I do agree with @DannyZukosSmile It's certainly true for me.
I do believe some men are better than others, if you have one that mucks in and does 50/50, you are one of the lucky ones.
I've come to accept it now and my daughter is older (5) so it's not as hard as it was. But in 5.5 years I can count the number of times I've had a lie in on two hands.
Eventually you get used to it. For me, the ultimate treat now is to go to Costa alone for a coffee and a piece of cake and to read my book. For my partner, the normal for him is to go abroad every other month to see friends or gig....he's actually going away 3 times in May alone.

Anyways, OP, I hope you are able to talk to your husband and get some you time. Make sure your contraception is water tight too. Start small if you need to. But make sure you go. You don't have to apologize or feel bad about it at all. I'm sure it will make a big difference to how you feel x

Thank you everyone for your input and practical suggestions, I really appreciate it! I will try to schedule some me-time every week and see how it goes. I guess it is really my problem as for some reason I feel that taking time for myself is taking family time away.

i still think he’s not a bad father or husband! It’s just me - I’m not communicating clearly what I need and later sulk if he doesn’t get it right.

It's not 'do I need to ask permission' to do X or Y.

It's 'do I need my partner to provide childcare to enable me to do X or Y now I am a parent' - and the answer to that is YES.

He can only swan out to do his hobbies and socialising if there is someone at home looking after his children- that's you.

When he leaves without communicating with you, he's essentially conscripting you into being the sole carer while he's out. I don't like having my labour volunteered on my behalf, and clearly neither do you.

Explain to him you'll be matching his free time from now on. BF might mean you can't be having nights out etc, but you can leave the baby with him to have a bath, or a tea with a friend in the garden, or read a book or a nap or whatever.

They are his children too he should take equal responsibility. I made clear to my husband before we had kids that I absolutely refuse to be the 'default parent' and that I expect us to take on everything 50/50. If I were you I would just tell him you're going out and go and do something you enjoy for a bit. Don't ask him, just tell him maybe a day or two in advance so he doesn't make plans first.

Completely agree. Me and my husband split everything 50/50 and it was something I was clear had to happen before I got pregnant. We have even both gone to four days at work so we have a day each with our little girl. I cannot believe you have people arguing with you, just because they chose useless partners!

Completely agree. Me and my husband split everything 50/50 and it was something I was clear had to happen before I got pregnant. We have even both gone to four days at work so we have a day each with our little girl. I cannot believe you have people arguing with you, just because they chose useless partners!

Because some men are entitled little pricks who think women exist to facility their life, their career, birth their children, and because women let them get on with such shit.
I realised too late that I was one of those women.

@Respberrypachouli

why not?

@reddwarfgeek

”Eventually you get used to it. For me, the ultimate treat now is to go to Costa alone for a coffee and a piece of cake and to read my book. For my partner, the normal for him is to go abroad every other month to see friends or gig....he's actually going away 3 times in May alone.”

and you accept that why??

What do you mean by "good dad"? He checks out of family life on his days off... like for the whole day he is golfing? How does that make him a good dad? He isn't a good husband either. He should be supporting you.

@Respberrypachouli you can get out there and make new friends. It;s a great age to do it; strong friendships really form with other mums with DC same age as yours. park, playgroups, art class. Does your local church, centre, or library have drop in sessions, babytime, storytime? These are great, you often meet the same faces at the same time each week and can walk home/go to park with them afterwards.

It will get so much easier for you as it warms up and you can take both DC to park more easily.

I know a PP suggested stopping BF but I wouldn't personally do it just for this reason. It doesn't sound like your DP will be interested in bottlefeeding, and BF had many benefits (not least not having to clean and make up bottles).