To be annoyed that my husband is allowed life?

[Respberrypachouli]

I don’t know how to word it but it really annoys me that I need to arrange childcare to go to the bathroom but my husband is free to go and do as he pleases. We have 2 children and I used to be fine with whatever but recently getting increasingly burnt out. My DH plays footie once a week at 7pm. When youngest needs to go to bed and oldest still has an hour before bed time. He went to play golf on Saturday. Which is the whole day, he’s going out on Friday, went out 2 weeks ago. He went on a business trip for a week, went away for a weekend. I’m breastfeeding so can’t do it. I don’t have hobbies and not many friends. All I want is some support and I really don’t want to tell him off or restrict him because I know if it was the other way around he would be happy for me. But recently it sends me into downward spiral thinking that I’ve completely lost my freedom and autonomy whilst he gets to do whatever whenever. Like I would wake him in the morning to help with our baby and after he’s done he can go back to bed. I once asked him why did he do it and he replies “do I have to ask for permission?”. Sorry for the long rant …

i still think he’s not a bad father or husband! It’s just me - I’m not communicating clearly what I need and later sulk if he doesn’t get it right.

I had to have quite a lot of therapy over something. And one of the many things I learned was that I never told people what I wanted or how I wanted to be treated. I expected them to either just know or that they'd work it out. But the psychiatrist asked what made me so special that everyone had to spend lots of their time working out what was the right way to speak and treat me to meet my personal needs, when I was perfectly capable of expressing myself. It made me review my whole life.
After that at work, I'd tell my bosses when I wasn't happy with how they spoke to me, etc, and tell them how I liked to be spoken to. I'm aware that it took them aback a bit, some even raised an eyebrow, but, you know, it worked out well for me. I tailor made my own treatment. And it really worked out well for them because, as I was happy, I worked harder and was cheerful round the office.
I now don't sit back and be disappointed that people misinterpret what I want and think they know what pleases me and what doesn't. I now am upfront. Just like at Christmas, I give a list to my family of what I want and often where they can get it from. They divvy it up and decide who's getting what. It's less stressful for them and I get what I want.
Be proactive, don't expect people to read your mind and take control of how you want your life and relationships to be.

@Oldbutnotout breastfeeding is best for baby why would you recommend stopping that?

Breastfeeding isn’t the problem, the unsupportive partner is. He needs to have a serious talking to as he’s being very selfish.

@Mariposista breastfeeding is the natural way of feeding a baby, formula is a substitute for when a mother isn’t able to breastfeed. Why are you criticising OP’s choice to nourish her child and giving no actual advice??

It's 'do I need my partner to provide childcare to enable me to do X or Y now I am a parent' - and the answer to that is YES

Exactly. If my DH announced ‘I’m off to golf’ I’d be all ‘oh shit sorry I’m already out’. He would check first to see if it was possible NOW WE HAVE 2 CHILDREN

Therapy for yourself is definitely a good idea. Avoiding confrontation and being a people pleaser is sometimes a trauma response. Low self esteem can prevent you from living your full life. Therapy would be a great start. I think sometimes, becoming a parent can make you forget that you're more than just a mum. You're a whole person, and you matter just as much as any body else. You deserve some time for yourself to just be you. Good luck op

I used to grapple with this a lot, my dh was blind to my need to ask to have a shower when he just showered when he liked (for example). One day I said to him "I do not have a wife to treat as the default parent, so everything i do i need to organise". He suddenly got it.

Now he asks every time he needs me to do childcare (doesn't just assume I'm available 24/7), and we share a Google calendar where everything that's agreed goes onto. Nights out, appointments, etc.

You absolutely need to talk to him about this and do not take his blindness to it as an unchangeable fact.

The bar for what passes for a good father is so low, it literally is in hell. Basically be present, smille at the baby, play some rough and tumble with tbe older ones once a week and literally pay some bills that you would otherwise pay on your own and you are a "good father", and your wife will agonise over leaving you/confronting you/changing the status quo because you "genuinely are a good father, better than most".

Breastfeeding is mentally tough for exactly this reason- the babies are so physically dependent on you. I stopped breastfeeding both of mine by about 9 months- had to as returning to work but would have chosen to finish by a year anyway as needed to reclaim my life, for my own mental health.
This stage doesn’t last forever. Hang in there and talk to your husband about how you are feeling and what he can do to support you.

Well this is a crock of s*. 🙄

I breastfeed my seven week old baby, raise my small toddler and still make a point of carving out time for myself, whether it’s an hour in the garden, a bath, or baking on the weekend.

I personally don’t feel that partners need to be told explicitly “I need time to myself for my own wellbeing” but unfortunately, a lot do.

This is the most depressing post on this thread and so very untrue.

If a woman chooses to stay with a man like this and resigns herself to a life of misery because they buy into the narrative of ‘most men are lazy and crap fathers’ and therefore the majority of household and parenting responsibilities fall to her, then they deserve to stew in their own misery.

My DH works 40 hours a week, comes home every evening to bathe DD1, read her a story and put her to her every night without fail because I’m breastfeeding DD2 on the sofa. He shares household chores of washing up, laundry, hoovering, ironing, cooking etc, AND he still makes a point of TELLING me to take time for myself, even if it’s a cup of tea in the garden alone.

Up your standards. Jfc.

Hey this is me too. I spoke to my husband and we're working on ways to get me some me time. I went on a try dive at the diving club near us yesterday - he watched the baby in between the feeding sessions. You don't say how old baby 2 is but remember from 6 months they can start with solids and by 10 months they are pretty much on meals with the odd feeds and long wake windows. My baby is 10 months so its a little easier to have my husband watch him inbetween feeding windows while i do me. I also do chores etc during wake time so when he is asleep i get that time to do me stuff too. Just talk to your husband and say you need some me time. There will be a way to fill your cup up without giving up breastfeeding!

That's so strange! I did diving when mine were small, it was the only time my mind was empty of baby worry stuff (because let's be honest, it's tough trying to turn off!) as I had to be checking air, depth, looking around me etc.

I absolutely bloody loved it, I got to PADI higher level.

Being underwater in the sea (if you get a chance) is wonderful and your mind is empty and clear.

Enjoy.

Are you on a reliable contraception? You'll get more opportunity to have a life as your youngest gets older but obviously not if you have another baby.

I agree, you need to try and advocate for yourself here.

It’s just me - I’m not communicating clearly what I need and later sulk if he doesn’t get it right.

@Respberrypachouli It's not "just you" though.You're tired,raising 2 children ,breast feeding and have none of the affirmation that a job outside the home brings .But your husbands ability to see that you're suffering and to share the load is entirely dependent on your ability to communicate better?
I don't agree ,you should be a team ,you should be supporting eachother .Not separate beings where it's assumed he can't be expected to be less selfish unless you walk him through the details of parenting and being a loving partner.

Absolutely! So well put

Sorry to hear you’re feeling this way. It is trapping to an extent having young children to look after, even though you adore being a mum.

I have very similar feelings to you currently regarding DH and his free time vs mine. Do you feel like you carry the mental burden, do everything for the family unit with very little help? Do you also feel like you’re constantly asking for help and assistance with other things, and perhaps feel like you’re not seen or valued?

You just need to book in a set day every week where you have time off to do something for you. Start with an hour or two and get out of the house so he can’t ask you for help. I do this now, like tonight I’m going for my nails done. I will leave baby with my husband and tell him one or two chores I expect doing because I do EVERYTHING else whilst he has all other evenings plus weekends to himself as he just ignores me and baby!

You need to value yourself, you are doing the hardest job. You don’t need his permission, but you need to allow yourself permission to find ‘you’ again.

So my children are older now 8 & 11 but there has always been an understanding in our relationship that the other checks in when they are arranging a day/night out to make sure it’s ok with the other person. We are both of the opinion that it’s important to have time away with friends or doing a hobby, otherwise you become resentful of the other person. You need to have an honest conversation about this or it will become an even bigger issue over the years.

I don’t have a specific hobby each week but thankfully from when my kids were little my husband encouraged me to go and spend a few hours at the hairdressers/coffee with friends & it did make me feel appreciated & that he recognised that I was home with the children all day when on maternity leave.

As for those who insist men surely can’t do 50% of the tasks, I have to disagree. We have over the years comes to a pretty even split of chores. We each support a child with homework, he does gardening, I do house work, we share washing & he also does all the football stuff with my son (there’s a lot), he even offered to manage my boys football team which is great for us as we have something to share & it’s brought me some really good mum friends who I can call my best friends now. Hobbies can be joint and really help.

Ahh, you're just in the doldrums of breastfeeding where it feels like this is just your life now FOREVER. Hold old is your youngest? Could you consider stopping bfing? I know you think it's best, but having a mum that is down like you are isn't good for your kids either. You need to find you again. Is there anything you've ever fancied doing? Join a club / group/ class that is regular and get it timetabled in and just tell your husband. Don't ask. If he gets out of one bedtime a week then so should you! Trust me, getting out for just that 1 hour a week and just being you and not just mum will make the world of difference to your mental health.

I was pretty furious working full time, and then looking after the kids while husband went out playing squash, running and other stuff.
I did say to him, when do I get to go out. He also went away a lot for work leaving me to it.

In hindsight I wish I’d never had any children, or married him

I have no answers except we should all choose more wisely.

I would bottle feed, if I were you, and then get out of the house more, as a family on days out, and also leave the kids with him and go out with family or friends.

OP I think some of the sadness seems to be that even if you had the time/freedom you don’t have the friends or opportunities to socialise that he does and that does feel really isolating and made worse by being on tap for a baby and small child.
Could you join peanut or mush and try and make some local mum friends or find some groups nearby? Having some company in the day and some social element makes the drudgery a lot easier! You’ll then have a friend to go for the odd drink or dinner with. Otherwise sign up to a new club (yoga? Zumba? Whatever!). Not defending your DH but if he knows you never have plans he probably doesn’t consider you being busy. Start being busy and he’ll have to sort himself out.

Find your voice OP. If you don’t find it now, things will get worse, until either you do, or the marriage will break down because of lack of communication. I did exactly the same tbh. I was the default parent. My now ex did what he wanted, and I never wanted to restrict his time, but my god, I wanted him to CHOOSE his family over his “recreation” time. I really should have told him so.
Im projecting a bit here, but I’m pretty sure he sees our divorce as him choosing someone who” wanted him around” (ie she put her foot down and said he wasn’t allowed to go out) as opposed to someone who “managed everything” without needing his input.
Please talk to him. Tell him that you appreciate that he needs some time away from the home, but so do you, and you need to also have bit of childfree time TOGETHER. I know breastfeeding can be a tie, but expressing or even the odd bottle of formula isn’t going to affect that massively, tbh. I made the conscious decision to make sure my babies could/ would tolerate a bottle, in case for any reason, I was unable to be there to do it.
Just talk to him. And if he doesn’t listen/ understand that the only reason he can do these things, without having to “ask permission” is because of his assumption that you'll be there to care for the children. Ask him how he would feel if he got up one morning to find that you’d just gone away/ out for the day without first checking that he was home to care for the children? You are also entitled to a life, I’m only now realising how much I resented losing my own.

Lucky I've read this thread, otherwise I wouldn't have known that formula feeding is the cure for absent, entitled fathers.

It’s probably already been said but start expressing milk for when you want to go out and start going out - swimming/walk/haircut/shopping/meet friends or family/gym or exercise class/part time job??

I don’t think your DH is doing anything very unusual but you need to put yourself first too and find a good balance.

I'm actually shocked by the number of posters who think football one night a week, all day golf on a weekend, two Friday nights out, a weekend away and a business trip in a short space of time, with two young children, all taken as an entitlement, without mutual agreement, is just fine. It's really not.

This isn't about stopping breastfeeding or meeting local mums or insisting on equal time. This is about your husband not respecting you and being checked out of family life and I think you need to dig deep and stand up for yourself. You and your children both deserve a partner and father who is a present and active parent and I think you need to make it clear to him that you are no longer willing to accept this lesser version.

I liked the suggestion from the earlier poster - be more Michelle Obama!

All of this is so true.