My Dh bruised my arm during a fight I front of our children

[OrchidArcade]

Obviously it sounds unreasonable written down like that but as any situation is, it feels far more nuanced. It's been a really rainy bank holiday Monday so we stayed in with our two sons all day. They are full on Mummy's boys and don't really have all that much time for their Dad.

After our dinner and a few drinks, I decided I'd get to bed and the boys followed me up wanting to snuggle in the big bed. Of course I let them but dh came up and demanded that he could get in and they had to get to their bed and that he'd compromise by sleeping in their room in the spare bunk. Neither of them wanted to shift so he shouted at me to get out and sleep in their room which set the youngest off crying.

QThey both wanted to follow me but he physically restrained them which I hate. I returned to the big bed and curled up at the foot of the bed saying I wasn't leaving. Our eldest got a nervous fit of the giggles and started giggling which enraged Dh who wrongly assumed I was tickling their feet and shouted at me that I was an interfering bitch and needed to leave the room.
When I refused to leave without boys (feeling they were getting very uncomfortable) he grabbed me by the arm and pushed me of the bed telling me to fuck off and twisting my arm.

Obviously I wasn't leaving the boys at this point so I got back on the bed and told them to follow me and them he pushed me and grabbed me again

I'm now sharing a single bunk with two boys and just saw some pretty impressive bruises on my upper arm. What the fuck!!

Poor kids 😢They've just learned that it's OK to use violence against a partner, as long as they apologise the next day, pretend to not remember and ask their partner to hide the bruises. This is shaping the men they will grow up to be.

If/when this comes out at school, SS will see you as being complicit in the abuse as you did nothing to protect them. Please do something, if not for yourself, for your boys.

How does this make everything ok? He was physically abusive to you in front of your children. He's forgotten, so it's ok now?

Your reason for his lack of guilt feelings is nonsense. If you bruised someone when you were drunk, would you feel more or less guilty if you knew you'd caused the bruises but couldn't remember doing it?

Your boys are not unscathed. They're doing what you're doing; pretending everything's ok, despite the fact that they have recently witnessed physical and emotional abuse within their family, and within their home.

Do you genuinely feel that you are now in a happy, healthy relationship, and that your kids are fine? I was a 'fine' kid, like that. Fucked me up into my 40s, and I only got it sorted then after a very painful year of counselling and self study. I was a harmful partner, and had harmful relationships. Pull the wool over your own eyes and bruises all you want, but be under no illusion about what is happening to your boys: they are learning to hide feelings of deep distress even from you, their mother. If the pattern continues, they soon won't be able to identify what their feelings are, let alone act on them.

How easy of him to say he can’t remember how convenient is that! Of course he’s going to tell you to cover your arms. I feel so sorry for your young children, must be living on eggshells, no wonder you think they are mummies boys they are looking for you for protection stop making excuses

None of this is ok despite how much either of you want to minimise it. The fact that you were shocked by the bruises but not any of the other abusive behaviour beforehand tells me that this is not the first time. It becomes a safeguarding issue when you don't recognise it or protect your boys from the harm they will suffer from witnessing it

They always apologise the next day. Ali vividly remember my stepfather weeping and apologising the day after beating my mother. Even at nine I knew he wasn't sorry, but was sorry for the consequences.

It's no surprise my siblings and I went on to have abusive partners. My XH used to grab me round the arms and chuck my around. Thank God I don't have kids.

Your children deserve better.

I question if this is a real post. Stating that DH made OP out in a jumper and that makes it ok is a bizzare thing to state. And following up with it’s all ok.

Well now that your DH knows he can get away with leaving physical marks on your body and you will do absolutely nothing to protect either you or your children I wonder what it will be next time. A slap to the face? A bloody nose? Or maybe he will just keep it low key and shove you instead. At what stage do you think he will move on to abusing your children who are “mummy’s boys”? Next time they giggle a bit too much? It seems to me that your boys are a better judge of character than you are and see you as the safer option.

Laughter isn't connected in any real way in your brain to happiness. It can absolutely be a stress response. Particularly historical, uncontrolled laughter.

Poor kids.

Hysterical, of course. Bloody autocorrect.

Poor, poor kids. They will grow up to be either abused or abusers. The cycle continues because their mother can't protect them. Breaks my heart.

RTFT. Yes DH is abusive. I also suspect that alcohol plays a larger and more regular part in this toxic relationship than OP would like to admit. And like @PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog I think the children are regularly triangulated in the war of wits between OP and DH.

OP you need to leave as you are being abused and it will not get better. I grew up in an environment where abuse and alcohol was common and like your boys I appeared 'unscathed' at the time but it all came out later...and how.

I think you may also need to look at the role alcohol plays in your life.

This sort of thing is very common within the abuse dynamic. Otherwise, how would the relationships continue? The pretending has to be perpetual.

I agree it is a completely believable scenario, as in I can't speak for the thread specifically, but this pattern of abuse.
Now he knows OP will comply, he'll be very sorry, regretful (well, he'll appear regretful at least) and nice to her the following day. He'll take her on a lovely family day out (possibly to reinforce how bad it would be to leave and break the family unit up), and she in turn will hide the bruises and make excuses for future injuries that may require medical attention so as not to get him into any trouble.

Hey. It's really good you had a brighter day today with the kids. You deserved a break and I'm glad your husband pulled himself together for you all to get out.

It's a shame he didnt seem to feel guilt tho? He's quite probably trying to mentally distance himself from his behaviour as a way of not truly accepting what he did. It's much easier to minimise than it is to take a cold look in the mirror. But you cant truly improve or grow from there, if you thought "I'm not that fat" - you'd never have an incentive to go on a diet.

The difficulty is of course - if you're afraid of his outbursts and your relationship is rocky, it's bloody tough to help him see the truth in how he hurts you.

The kids arent unscathed. You dont have to think too hard to look at the facts and realise how poor a home it is for them to grow up with abusive parents. We spend hours picking their nurseries, schools, what extra curricular activities in. Their home, their parents- the toxicity they live in have a massive impact. Arguably bigger than the other choices you make.

He didn't feel guilty?! Even though he inflicted very visible bruises on you...bruises he didn't want anyone else to see?!

How are things going OP? I know you've had some harsh responses on here but they're truthful and coming from a good place. This is abuse and the "lovely" behaviour is following a typical pattern, don't withdraw because you're feeling shocked as that is just going to make you more isolated with this and more dependant on him - ie easier to manipulate and abuse

OP, please don’t delete this thread or leave Mumsnet. You’re going to need the support from this site in the future, even if you’re not willing to acknowledge what’s really happening right now.