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AIBU?

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Original poster

My Dh bruised my arm during a fight I front of our children

217 replies

OrchidArcade · 10/04/2023 20:24

Obviously it sounds unreasonable written down like that but as any situation is, it feels far more nuanced. It's been a really rainy bank holiday Monday so we stayed in with our two sons all day. They are full on Mummy's boys and don't really have all that much time for their Dad.

After our dinner and a few drinks, I decided I'd get to bed and the boys followed me up wanting to snuggle in the big bed. Of course I let them but dh came up and demanded that he could get in and they had to get to their bed and that he'd compromise by sleeping in their room in the spare bunk. Neither of them wanted to shift so he shouted at me to get out and sleep in their room which set the youngest off crying.

QThey both wanted to follow me but he physically restrained them which I hate. I returned to the big bed and curled up at the foot of the bed saying I wasn't leaving. Our eldest got a nervous fit of the giggles and started giggling which enraged Dh who wrongly assumed I was tickling their feet and shouted at me that I was an interfering bitch and needed to leave the room.
When I refused to leave without boys (feeling they were getting very uncomfortable) he grabbed me by the arm and pushed me of the bed telling me to fuck off and twisting my arm.

Obviously I wasn't leaving the boys at this point so I got back on the bed and told them to follow me and them he pushed me and grabbed me again

I'm now sharing a single bunk with two boys and just saw some pretty impressive bruises on my upper arm. What the fuck!!

OP posts:
Over40Overdating · 10/04/2023 21:53

Mammajay · 10/04/2023 21:47

I agree with Rwalker. Things sound very bad but how is your husband not allowed in his own bed?

Can we have at least one thread about domestic abuse where someone doesn’t come in with ‘yes it’s bad BUT a man had his feelings hurt’ or is that too much to hope for on a site where women will do Olympic level gymnastics to excuse violent abusers.

MyEasterEggs · 10/04/2023 21:53

You talk of making this real but it is REAL!

Not only was he verbally abusive towards you, he restrained his boys, and then he physically abused you.

You can’t make excuses for that and he is no role model for your sons. I’m not sure what you were hoping to achieve by posting but nobody in their right mind will say this is just a one off or help you feel okay about it. Drink or no drink it’s far from okay.

Flowerly · 10/04/2023 21:57

Over40Overdating · 10/04/2023 21:53

Can we have at least one thread about domestic abuse where someone doesn’t come in with ‘yes it’s bad BUT a man had his feelings hurt’ or is that too much to hope for on a site where women will do Olympic level gymnastics to excuse violent abusers.

Show quote history

THIS.

nighthawk99 · 10/04/2023 22:00

Of course he shouldnt have twisted your arm, that is completely inexcusable, BUT you do seem to have been weaponising your kids to hurt your DH. Hopefully now after your separation they will be able to build a better relationship with their father.

takealettermsjones · 10/04/2023 22:02

nighthawk99 · 10/04/2023 22:00

Of course he shouldnt have twisted your arm, that is completely inexcusable, BUT you do seem to have been weaponising your kids to hurt your DH. Hopefully now after your separation they will be able to build a better relationship with their father.

How? Break it down. How did she weaponise the kids?

You think kids who have seen their father shout at, swear at, insult, grab, twist, and push their mother are going to want a better relationship with him?

Rosula · 10/04/2023 22:04

Mammajay · 10/04/2023 21:47

I agree with Rwalker. Things sound very bad but how is your husband not allowed in his own bed?

Where does OP say he wasn't allowed in his own bed? At the point when OP's husband came to bed, the children didn't want to shift. Any normal parent would work with the other parent to persuade them quietly to move so that they could have a peaceful bedtime, they wouldn't resort immediately to shouting and issuing orders, let alone physical manhandling. It must have been really early anyway given that OP posted at 8.24 pm, so he's hardly likely to have been tired and desperate to sleep.

On the other hand, OP's husband did order her to sleep in the children's room. How is she not allowed in her own bed?

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/04/2023 22:06

What @Over40Overdating said.

The utter shit that gets posted to justify a man's violence and abuse in front of his children. I despair.

It's like seeing a lorry barrelling towards innocent bystanders and arguing about what colour it is. IT DOESN'T MATTER.

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 10/04/2023 22:07

@takealettermsjones Can you really not see that the OP is using the DC to make a barrier to her husband? The DC may not want a relationship with their father after a separation and that is fine but the OP does read as though she is using the DC to communicate to her DH and that is abusive to the DC also.

Fantasmagoricalan · 10/04/2023 22:10

Over40Overdating · 10/04/2023 21:53

Can we have at least one thread about domestic abuse where someone doesn’t come in with ‘yes it’s bad BUT a man had his feelings hurt’ or is that too much to hope for on a site where women will do Olympic level gymnastics to excuse violent abusers.

Show quote history

Well said.

FOR FUCK’S FUCKING SAKE WHY DO WOMEN WANT TO EXCUSE THIS BEHAVIOUR?

He physically assaulted her. His clearly a cunt all the time and his kids dislike him. Defending his actions is unfathomable.

Rosula · 10/04/2023 22:11

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 10/04/2023 22:07

@takealettermsjones Can you really not see that the OP is using the DC to make a barrier to her husband? The DC may not want a relationship with their father after a separation and that is fine but the OP does read as though she is using the DC to communicate to her DH and that is abusive to the DC also.

Currently the children gravitate more towards their mother. It happens with young children, at worst it's usually just a phase. Any sensible man works to build up his relationship with them, he doesn't try to force them into it by shouting at them and physically stopping them going to their mother.

takealettermsjones · 10/04/2023 22:12

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 10/04/2023 22:07

@takealettermsjones Can you really not see that the OP is using the DC to make a barrier to her husband? The DC may not want a relationship with their father after a separation and that is fine but the OP does read as though she is using the DC to communicate to her DH and that is abusive to the DC also.

No, I really can't see it because it isn't rhere, that's why I asked you to explain it. How is she using the DC to make a barrier to her husband?

rumpsteak · 10/04/2023 22:13

I'm not sure what you think is nuanced. He told you to fuck off, twisted your arm and threw you off the bed. That's pretty clear.

Divorcedalongtime · 10/04/2023 22:14

Nothing nuanced about this, your husband is abusive and in front of your kids.

monsteramunch · 10/04/2023 22:15

nighthawk99 · 10/04/2023 22:00

Of course he shouldnt have twisted your arm, that is completely inexcusable, BUT you do seem to have been weaponising your kids to hurt your DH. Hopefully now after your separation they will be able to build a better relationship with their father.

Explain to us how she has weaponised the kids?

Fantasmagoricalan · 10/04/2023 22:16

nighthawk99 · 10/04/2023 22:00

Of course he shouldnt have twisted your arm, that is completely inexcusable, BUT you do seem to have been weaponising your kids to hurt your DH. Hopefully now after your separation they will be able to build a better relationship with their father.

Ah that’s ok then, his physical assault on his wife was totally justified. It was even her own fault…

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 10/04/2023 22:17

@takealettermsjones we'll just agree to disagree then. The situation is as toxic AF based on the OP and it's the DC who will suffer. Both of their parents has unhealthy ways of communicating

takealettermsjones · 10/04/2023 22:19

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 10/04/2023 22:17

@takealettermsjones we'll just agree to disagree then. The situation is as toxic AF based on the OP and it's the DC who will suffer. Both of their parents has unhealthy ways of communicating

We haven't disagreed yet, as you still haven't explained yourself.

Annoyingwurringnoise · 10/04/2023 22:22

He swore at you and assaulted you, twice, where’s the nuance?

Motherofalittledragon · 10/04/2023 22:35

He is abusive and violent, you need to call the police and he needs to leave, I'd also take pictures of the bruises he has caused.

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 10/04/2023 22:39

takealettermsjones · 10/04/2023 22:19

We haven't disagreed yet, as you still haven't explained yourself.

Show quote history

You seem desperate for a ruck but I'll try and explain (again) how the OP reads to me:

It's been a really rainy bank holiday Monday so we stayed in with our two sons all day. They are full on Mummy's boys and don't really have all that much time for their Dad.

They were having a family day, DC and OP were excluding the H. OP does not express any sadness/problem with this. - Suggests that she is enjoying excluding DH from family dynamic.

I decided I'd get to bed and the boys followed me up wanting to snuggle in the big bed. Of course I let them but dh came up and demanded that he could get in and they had to get to their bed and that he'd compromise by sleeping in their room in the spare bunk.

Op decides to go to bed, DC follow her up. Fine. H wants to go to bed, tries to get in his bed, not unreasonable, but is relegated to the DCs room. 'Of course I let them,' suggests a pattern of the OP using/allowing the DC to push her H away.

Neither of them wanted to shift so he shouted at me to get out and sleep in their room which set the youngest off crying. -- Suggests that DC do not have to listen to their father. OP set up the wanting to lie in the 'big bed' so she should move the DCs rather than allowing the Dc to dictate where their father sleeps. If the Op was not creating barriers she should say ' this is daddy's bed too, budge up and we can all cuddle together' or similar.

I returned to the big bed and curled up at the foot of the bed saying I wasn't leaving. --- escalating rather than deescalting. If OP had gone out, the DC would have followed and she'd be in the same situation as now without the physical altercation.

I refused to leave without boys (feeling they were getting very uncomfortable) Escalating again, as above. This also reads like the DC are a rope in tug of war.

Annalouisa · 10/04/2023 22:41

PP have covered the fact that this is clearly abuse. In case the OP comes back, there are some aspects to this that are maybe not important, but seem odd:

  • "the children don't really have all that much time for their Dad." What's the backstory? Has their father been abusive towards them?
  • "After our dinner and a few drinks, I decided I'd get to bed and the boys followed me up wanting to snuggle in the big bed." Is it not a bit odd that OP goes to bed before her kids? So in this scenario, it's like her kids are putting her to bed, rather than the other way round?
  • "DH came up and demanded that he could get in and they had to get to their own bed" That's not unreasonable on his part, wanting to sleep in his own bed, is it? The OP emphasised that her sons are mummy's boys, and I think this is playing out here: OP is putting the kids between her and her DH. DH can't sleep in his own bed and is effectively expected to decamp to the kids' bedroom but the kids don't want to come with him. So he gets angry, feels rejected and shouts at the OP to sleep in the kids bedroom herself.

So while yes, she should consider LTB, some of this behaviour is a bit strange and, I would suggest looking into some of this family dynamic with a therapist, for the children's sake, and the sake of future relationships.

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 10/04/2023 22:43

@Annalouisa Exactly, they need to split, but they are both creating an unhealthy dynamic for the DC

monsteramunch · 10/04/2023 22:49

So he gets angry, feels rejected and shouts at the OP to sleep in the kids bedroom herself.

That's not a proportionate description of what happened though.

He didn't 'just' feel angry, rejected and shout at her.

He physically pushes her off the bed, tells her to fuck off and twists her arm, all hard enough to leave bruises. All in front of their children.

A decent, safe man and a genuinely loving, good dad would not do those things even if they were angry, even if they did feel rejected.

His feelings in no way excuse or justify him being abusive.

Over40Overdating · 10/04/2023 22:50

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 10/04/2023 22:39

You seem desperate for a ruck but I'll try and explain (again) how the OP reads to me:

It's been a really rainy bank holiday Monday so we stayed in with our two sons all day. They are full on Mummy's boys and don't really have all that much time for their Dad.

They were having a family day, DC and OP were excluding the H. OP does not express any sadness/problem with this. - Suggests that she is enjoying excluding DH from family dynamic.

I decided I'd get to bed and the boys followed me up wanting to snuggle in the big bed. Of course I let them but dh came up and demanded that he could get in and they had to get to their bed and that he'd compromise by sleeping in their room in the spare bunk.

Op decides to go to bed, DC follow her up. Fine. H wants to go to bed, tries to get in his bed, not unreasonable, but is relegated to the DCs room. 'Of course I let them,' suggests a pattern of the OP using/allowing the DC to push her H away.

Neither of them wanted to shift so he shouted at me to get out and sleep in their room which set the youngest off crying. -- Suggests that DC do not have to listen to their father. OP set up the wanting to lie in the 'big bed' so she should move the DCs rather than allowing the Dc to dictate where their father sleeps. If the Op was not creating barriers she should say ' this is daddy's bed too, budge up and we can all cuddle together' or similar.

I returned to the big bed and curled up at the foot of the bed saying I wasn't leaving. --- escalating rather than deescalting. If OP had gone out, the DC would have followed and she'd be in the same situation as now without the physical altercation.

I refused to leave without boys (feeling they were getting very uncomfortable) Escalating again, as above. This also reads like the DC are a rope in tug of war.

Show quote history

@PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog so where’s your corresponding detailed analysis of the husband’s behaviours & actions or is it only the behaviour of abused women & children that needs to be examined in this level of detail?

You admit what happened was not acceptable but are determined to apportion equal blame when it lies with one party only - why?

And to the rest of the excusers - what satisfaction does it give you to blame a woman for the actions of the man who is abusing her?

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 10/04/2023 22:54

I have said repeatedly that there is no excuse for the H's behavior @takealettermsjones asked me to explain why I felt that the OP was being emotionally abusive and manipulative re the DC and using them to communicate her feelings re her relationship