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Original poster

My Dh bruised my arm during a fight I front of our children

217 replies

OrchidArcade · 10/04/2023 20:24

Obviously it sounds unreasonable written down like that but as any situation is, it feels far more nuanced. It's been a really rainy bank holiday Monday so we stayed in with our two sons all day. They are full on Mummy's boys and don't really have all that much time for their Dad.

After our dinner and a few drinks, I decided I'd get to bed and the boys followed me up wanting to snuggle in the big bed. Of course I let them but dh came up and demanded that he could get in and they had to get to their bed and that he'd compromise by sleeping in their room in the spare bunk. Neither of them wanted to shift so he shouted at me to get out and sleep in their room which set the youngest off crying.

QThey both wanted to follow me but he physically restrained them which I hate. I returned to the big bed and curled up at the foot of the bed saying I wasn't leaving. Our eldest got a nervous fit of the giggles and started giggling which enraged Dh who wrongly assumed I was tickling their feet and shouted at me that I was an interfering bitch and needed to leave the room.
When I refused to leave without boys (feeling they were getting very uncomfortable) he grabbed me by the arm and pushed me of the bed telling me to fuck off and twisting my arm.

Obviously I wasn't leaving the boys at this point so I got back on the bed and told them to follow me and them he pushed me and grabbed me again

I'm now sharing a single bunk with two boys and just saw some pretty impressive bruises on my upper arm. What the fuck!!

OP posts:
PurpleSky300 · 10/04/2023 21:09

It's not nuanced at all. It's abuse and from the thread title alone, you know it is.

Isthisit22 · 10/04/2023 21:10

It’s awful to think about your poor boys being ‘restrained’ and made to stay in a bed with the man they’re scared of. That is bad enough to leave.
then he physically and verbally assaulted you.
you cannot stay in this relationship- it is beyond repair

DonnaRix · 10/04/2023 21:11

Just an utterly toxic situation all round really.

You know you need to leave. But you won’t. So your boys will ultimately pay the price for that.

Limetart · 10/04/2023 21:11

Your husband is abusive and your boys are scared of him.
In the same circumstances a normal dh would grumpily huff and go to the bunk or say come on boys time for your own beds now and carry them back to their bunks. And the boys would go because their df is generally a nice person.

The fact that the boys don’t feel comfortable with their df is very telling.

Watchkeys · 10/04/2023 21:12

I can't stress enough that this is t daily and not is day drinking

Why do you think this matters? Your boys have witnessed verbal, emotional, and physical abuse of their mother by their father. Once is enough. The best thing you can do for them now is to demonstrate that if someone behaves in the way your husband has, they get left on their own for good. Nobody makes up excuses for them, nobody makes it even a little bit more ok that they were abusive and violent. Everybody sees it for what it is, accepts that it's not a good idea to be in their company, and stays away for their own health.

The other example you can set for them is that when a man behaves this way towards his wife, she finds a way in her own mind to let him off the hook, and the whole family sticks together, and it happens again, and again. I was the child in this scenario. I had to have counselling in my 40s before I could understand what self esteem and self respect actually were, let alone start having some.

Do your boys the biggest favour ever, and leave him behind. They might not recognise the amazing thing you'll be doing for them, but when they get older, and they treat their partners well, and they walk away from relationships that hurt them, they'll do it as if by instinct, because you showed them how. Leaving will be something to be truly proud of.

psychDr · 10/04/2023 21:13

Awful 😞 poor children.

cigarettesNalcohol · 10/04/2023 21:13

There is nothing nuanced about domestic abuse.

landbeforegrime · 10/04/2023 21:14

haven't read all the replies but please realise the huge impact this will have had on your dc. they will likely remember this forever and it's not an exaggeration to say it could well have traumatised them. they will be scared and feeling insecure. you need to take action and before your children mention this to someone else who then makes a safeguarding referral. you need to be the one safeguarding them. document the bruises. take pictures, report to police, go to your gp. whatever but get a contemporaneous record of this which someone else can verify. and seriously you need to leave and get your dc out of a toxic and abusive household. this has not come from nowhere. there's a reason they gravitate towards you. there's nothing ok about this and even if you can justify it / play it down, your dc won't be able to do this and it will be eating them up inside. the impact of witnessing domestic abuse on children is significant and lasts a lifetime.

PurpleSky300 · 10/04/2023 21:14

OrchidArcade · 10/04/2023 20:41

I know it sounds naive but I think his feelings were hurt by the usual 'mummys boys' antics and that he was acting out of anger and frustration rather than calculated abuse. Not an excuse obviously but I don't think he's mean to hurt me especially in front of the boys.

Stop this crap right now, you're an adult. Your husband is abusive, your children have witnessed it, do what you need to do to get out of that situation and stop making ridiculous excuses.

twinklystar23 · 10/04/2023 21:15

You can get a non molestation order with an occupation order attached so he can leave, you and the boys can remain in the home. This can be done via the police, womens aid will also offer advice. Can u not get your ducks in a row whilst he's asleep? Be careful though.

monsteramunch · 10/04/2023 21:15

The fits of nervous giggles and the being mummy's boys are likely reflections of their fear response towards your husband. He makes them frightened. They're scared of his reactions.

You can't force them to continue to live under the same roof as this dynamic.

He's abusing you and that means they live in an abusive household, exposed to abuse.

It's so dangerous when it comes to their development and the longer you stay with him, the more likely it is that they will replicate this dynamic themselves as adults.

You owe it to them to leave him even if you don't want to do so for yourself.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 10/04/2023 21:16

No wonder your kids don't like him. He's a bully, jealous of his own wife and hurts her when she doesn't do what he says.

I wouldn't like him either

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 10/04/2023 21:16

This dynamic is very unhealthy for your DCs. They are victims and witnesses to physical anger at home and it seems that they are being used as conduits for their parents' emotions. You need to both behave like adults and end it now. It reads as though you are getting some sort of power play out of the children's attachment to you over your DH. If you don't want him in your bed, you need to say that and not use the DC as an excuse. Your comment about 'total Mummy's boys who don't have time for their dad' is horrible. He is their parent too.

magma32 · 10/04/2023 21:18

Your poor kids. Please get them out of there and make them feel safe.

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 10/04/2023 21:18

None of which excuses his behaviour btw. It should never get physical, but I do think that you are being emotionally manipulative and abusive too OP

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 10/04/2023 21:19

He is totally capable of hurting your children if he loses his temper with them too.

SummerDawn2000 · 10/04/2023 21:20

I’m so sorry Op. you deserve better in a partner. You are a victim in this but the boys are as well

tell a good friend and allow them to help you make that call.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/04/2023 21:21

I assume you were brought up around abuse if you don't see this as abuse from start to finish. Which means you are deciding that your boys will be too if you don't leave. You can break the pattern. Or you can choose not to.

Robinsflyhigh · 10/04/2023 21:22

The fact is, no matter how you word it, he is abusing not only you but your children too.

I know from when I was a child myself, how scary it is to witness fights between parents.
I used to physically throw myself between my parents to try to stop them from hurting each other.

You need to get out of that situation before it escalates further.
Your children deserve to feel safe and secure in their home.

After what you have posted on here, I feel sick that you even refer to him as your DH (as in Darling Husband). He's no darling! I'd just refer to him as H and remove him from your life without further thought.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 10/04/2023 21:22

Wake the fuck up

For your boys sake

PsychoHotSauce · 10/04/2023 21:26

Honestly OP you need to call the police. I know it's scary as hell but minimising his behaviour and letting it continue is far scarier for your children.

Newmumatlast · 10/04/2023 21:27

CherryHouse · 10/04/2023 20:27

You know the answer. You (and your boys) need to leave him.

Even if it isn’t about self-preservation. It’s for your boys to show them that his fuck awful behaviour is unacceptable and protect them from him!!

Agreed

IDontWantToBeAPie · 10/04/2023 21:31

OrchidArcade · 10/04/2023 20:41

I know it sounds naive but I think his feelings were hurt by the usual 'mummys boys' antics and that he was acting out of anger and frustration rather than calculated abuse. Not an excuse obviously but I don't think he's mean to hurt me especially in front of the boys.

Abuse often isn't calculated. A lot of the time it's due to anger or jealousy. It's still run of the mill abuse.

ilovemyspace · 10/04/2023 21:31

but dh came up and demanded that he could get in and they had to get to their bed and that he'd compromise by sleeping in their room in the spare bunk.

what does this mean? - they had to get to their bed and he'd compromise by sleeping in their room in the spare bunk ...... ??

Rosula · 10/04/2023 21:31

OrchidArcade · 10/04/2023 20:41

I know it sounds naive but I think his feelings were hurt by the usual 'mummys boys' antics and that he was acting out of anger and frustration rather than calculated abuse. Not an excuse obviously but I don't think he's mean to hurt me especially in front of the boys.

I don't really see how he couldn't have meant to hurt you if he held you firmly enough to leave "impressive bruises", pushed you off the bed and twisted your arm. Calling you an interfering bitch in front of your children sounds like pretty calculated abuse to me.

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