My Dh bruised my arm during a fight I front of our children

[OrchidArcade]

Obviously it sounds unreasonable written down like that but as any situation is, it feels far more nuanced. It's been a really rainy bank holiday Monday so we stayed in with our two sons all day. They are full on Mummy's boys and don't really have all that much time for their Dad.

After our dinner and a few drinks, I decided I'd get to bed and the boys followed me up wanting to snuggle in the big bed. Of course I let them but dh came up and demanded that he could get in and they had to get to their bed and that he'd compromise by sleeping in their room in the spare bunk. Neither of them wanted to shift so he shouted at me to get out and sleep in their room which set the youngest off crying.

QThey both wanted to follow me but he physically restrained them which I hate. I returned to the big bed and curled up at the foot of the bed saying I wasn't leaving. Our eldest got a nervous fit of the giggles and started giggling which enraged Dh who wrongly assumed I was tickling their feet and shouted at me that I was an interfering bitch and needed to leave the room.
When I refused to leave without boys (feeling they were getting very uncomfortable) he grabbed me by the arm and pushed me of the bed telling me to fuck off and twisting my arm.

Obviously I wasn't leaving the boys at this point so I got back on the bed and told them to follow me and them he pushed me and grabbed me again

I'm now sharing a single bunk with two boys and just saw some pretty impressive bruises on my upper arm. What the fuck!!

You seem desperate for a ruck

Not at all. The amount of reaching you're doing here is astounding, though. You've assumed a lot that isn't there.

They were having a family day - not necessarily. OP just said they stayed in. One of the parents could have been locked away in the bedroom playing FIFA all day for all we know.

DC and OP were excluding the H - eh? Was this written in invisible ink at the end of the post?

OP does not express any sadness/problem with this - so? It's a forum post of limited length. She didn't express much sadness over the bruises on her arm either.

Suggests that she is enjoying excluding DH from family dynamic - hope you had a crash mat for that leap.

H...is relegated to the DCs room - wasn't this his own suggestion?

Of course I let them,' suggests a pattern of the OP using/allowing the DC to push her H away - no, she said of course she let them come in before the husband got there. And plenty of parents let their kids in the bed without some hidden spouse-blocking agenda.

... I could go on, but there's no point. None of this is relevant to the fact that her husband is an abuser. Victim blaming is a very bad look.

This will not get better please leave and keep your DC safe. I have been you been hurt and shouted at . The DC need to feel safe and heard but also they need not to have protect you from your DH.

@takealettermsjones you are out for a ruck and I am not going to give you one. If you weren't your tone would not be so snippy. You asked me to explain why I read the OP as I did, which I did (have you not heard of subtext, not everything has to be written out) as I said before we shall have to agree to disagree.

@takealettermsjones I have said repeatedly that there is no excuse for the Hs behaviour, I am not victim blaming. I do however think the OP is emotionally abusive.

@PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog so there’s no excuse for the husband’s violence BUT you are going to great lengths to prove your theory that the OP is emotionally abusive and manipulative to her husband / abuser.

There’s a phrase for that action. Use your powers of deduction and analysis for that and think about what that says about you.

@Over40Overdating No, to the DC

😆 Yeah, I get snippy when a woman posts about a situation wherein she is clearly being abused and people start calling her abusive, based on a whole lot of assumptions and some gold-medal standard reaching. If you want to discourage a victim of domestic violence from seeking help, go right ahead and continue doing what you're doing.

@takealettermsjones I'm reaching...you're doing a fair amount yourself. As I said, we are never going to agree so let's just leave it alone

@PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog and the father who calls their mother a bitch and hurts her in front of them, physically restrains them and reduces them to tears is what, exactly?

I’m curious - does it make you feel safer or more superior to argue a woman has earned her abuse? (whilst also claiming you aren’t victim blaming. Interesting tactic - you might say it’s a tactic of abuse and manipulation, in fact).

I also read the OP's post as being goady towards her husband and almost enjoying him being sidelined by his children. That does not mean I don't think he abused her.
Sounds as though too much drink was involved too. Drunken parents and abuse . Your poor children .

@Over40Overdating You are most certainly out for a ruck. I have said numerous times that nothing excuses the H's conduct. I and others have said however, that the OP seems to using her children in an unhealthy way. She is also abusing them emotionally, just as the H is with his behaviour.

@Over40Overdating You also clearly think that you are superior

THIS.

@PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog if I’ve hurt your feelings and made you think I feel I’m superior or I want a ‘ruck’, would that make it ok for you to be abusive towards me?

It's a horrible toxic environment for your dc.Both parents heavily drinking and abusing one another emotionally or physically.

Goodness me none of what you describe sounds like a healthy relationship and you are normalising some really not normal behaviour...the boys sound really nervous around DH and react accordingly. The whole narrative about them being 'mummy's boys ' is a clear symptom of the unhealthy situation they are in rather than a problem caused by you. Sorry you are going through this but you must leave for the sake of the boys. Good luck.

OP there is nothing 'nuanced' about this situation!

I know it sounds naive but I think his feelings were hurt by the usual 'mummys boys' antics and that he was acting out of anger and frustration rather than calculated abuse.

It's abuse on his part no matter what excuse you come up with to explain what happened. Abuse does not need to be 'calculated'. It's not 'better' in some way if it happens from 'anger and frustration'. None of your 'D'H's behaviour is acceptable, it is abusive. It should not be happening.

I am speaking from the perspective of a wife who was abused in the past. I used to come up with a lot of excuses for him, but in reality, I just needed to get out, which I eventually did. It's amazing what you will tell yourself in order to justify your abusive partner's behaviour. The fact that you have 2 small children involved in this is a massive red flag to get out of there.

There is nothing that suggests OP enjoys excluding her DH from the children.

OP didn't relegate her husband to the children's room, he was the one who suggested that. Letting your children into your bed doesn't amount to pushing their father away, most men in that situation would just get in anyway or would join forces amicably with the mother in taking the children to bed. You've also missed out that it's a little odd that the husband was so keen to go to be before 8 pm.

No wanting to shift doesn't automatically equate to not having to listen to their father. Children the world over regularly don't want to do what their parents ask. I would be more worried if they automatically obey without thought, like robots. It's interesting that your quote "Of course I let them is out of sequence - OP says she let them before their father came up, you put it afterwards, and it makes a substantial difference.

Why can't OP's husband tell the children to budge up for a cuddle together, rather than shouting at them and swearing at OP?

How were the children going to follow OP? Did you not see where the father physically prevented it?

Do you really think that, having been shouted and sworn at, with the children reduced to tears by their father and physically prevented from following, OP should just have left them there?

Your interpretations are very odd.

@PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog

If OP had gone out, the DC would have followed and she'd be in the same situation as now without the physical altercation.

Except they wanted to follow but he physically restrained them...

Neither of them wanted to shift so he shouted at me to get out and sleep in their room which set the youngest off crying. They both wanted to follow me but he physically restrained them which I hate.

Why are you making stuff up?

What do the first 2 lines of the post you have quoted say? Do you have difficulty with reading comprehension (genuine question)

That last sentence says it all, "especially in front of the boys".
His behavior is abusive. If you stay with him, you nor your sons are guaranteed to remain safe.

I would bet quite a tidy sum that this isn't the first time he has been abusive towards you, even if it wasn't in front of the children.
Verbal, mental, emotional and physical abuse...each one carries its own damaging life-long effects on you and your children. Whether you think they've seen it before or not, they KNOW. What's more, YOU know.

This.

However the day went there is never an excuse for violence. It’s doubly disgraceful that this took place in front of his own dc. The above justification for abuse is an absolute fucking disgrace. No wonder domestic violence is so accepted when people will go to any lengths to blame the abused partner and protect the abuser by trying to validate their behaviour with ‘reasons’. There is no good reason to bruise your partner. Ever.

Op you are not safe with this man and neither are your dc. I would call the police right now and make plans to leave. If he thinks this is acceptable he will only get worse.

Or everyone scrunches over, the kids can go on the lap or sitting on Mom's/Dad's legs. Unless it was a twin bed, there was room for them all.

I think the MFCDH is jealous that he isn't the center of the universe and this is not the first time he has been abusive. Nor will it be the last time if she stays.

I truly think that there are just "people" out there who would and could think of an excuse for any poor behavior by a man.

"If you were wearing that outfit, you were asking for the wrong type of attention".
"If you had appeased him immediately, he wouldn't have gotten so frustrated that he needed to hit you."

Those people make me as angry as the OP's MFCDH has gotten me.

Maybe her loving them and letting them have some snuggle time with her is "weaponizing them to hurt the MFCDH". The fact that the kids didn't move over to make room for daddy and instead were fearful of him is only more proof to me of how he treats his family in general. This was not the first time something like this has happened. The OP needs to stop pretending to be an ostrich and get her head out of the sand.