My Dh bruised my arm during a fight I front of our children

[OrchidArcade]

Obviously it sounds unreasonable written down like that but as any situation is, it feels far more nuanced. It's been a really rainy bank holiday Monday so we stayed in with our two sons all day. They are full on Mummy's boys and don't really have all that much time for their Dad.

After our dinner and a few drinks, I decided I'd get to bed and the boys followed me up wanting to snuggle in the big bed. Of course I let them but dh came up and demanded that he could get in and they had to get to their bed and that he'd compromise by sleeping in their room in the spare bunk. Neither of them wanted to shift so he shouted at me to get out and sleep in their room which set the youngest off crying.

QThey both wanted to follow me but he physically restrained them which I hate. I returned to the big bed and curled up at the foot of the bed saying I wasn't leaving. Our eldest got a nervous fit of the giggles and started giggling which enraged Dh who wrongly assumed I was tickling their feet and shouted at me that I was an interfering bitch and needed to leave the room.
When I refused to leave without boys (feeling they were getting very uncomfortable) he grabbed me by the arm and pushed me of the bed telling me to fuck off and twisting my arm.

Obviously I wasn't leaving the boys at this point so I got back on the bed and told them to follow me and them he pushed me and grabbed me again

I'm now sharing a single bunk with two boys and just saw some pretty impressive bruises on my upper arm. What the fuck!!

How are you and the kids today @OrchidArcade ?

Flip that was horrendous enough reading before he injured you.

leave this abusive asshole. Get your stuff in order and get out. This sounds like he’s escalating and he will get dangerous.

He is clearly abusive.

All of this sounds really unhealthy though tbh.

It's all okay @Blort. He didn't remember any of it so he found it hard to feel guilty but was obviously embarrassed as he wanted me to put a jumper over the marks when I got a bit hot today. I know it's bad but we had such a gorgeous day as he was so lovely and was obviously trying to make it right without raising the issues. The boys asked why Daddy was bring such an idiot last night but they seem relatively unscathed. I know exactly how it sounds and I'm not naive but to have such a nice day after makesup for it all I'm a fucked up way.

Oh lord. This is textbook.

So no plans to do anything about this OP?

Your poor boys 😞

I'm really hoping the OP is not real.... those poor DC

He didn't remember yet wanted you to cover up the marks he made

There will be a next time OP, you've just given your H the green light that as long as you have a nice day the next day, he can abuse you however he likes the previous day.

I feel very very sorry for your DC having to witness this situation.

Good luck.

He didn't remember any of it so he found it hard to feel guilty

This implies he was either black-out drunk or he does remember and is lying.

If it's the first, and he doesn't want a repeat, and he's actually a good person, I assume he has promised to never drink again. Like, never ever, even a drop. OR he's lying and he does remember.

The shame with the jumper is him not wanting OTHER people to know he's abusive. He's fine with you and your children knowing. And living with it. He doesn't feel bad about that. And you've told him what happened. So he believes you but doesn't feel bad? Sounds bad to me.

You can choose to stay. But I suggest you have a little think about when your boys tell someone at school, or a friend, and social services want to know why you stayed and allowed them to be abused. How will you feel then? Or will they have to lie and hide it too?

Of course he was nice to you the day after. He is acting like a textbook abuser. Please, OP, take this seriously for your sake and more importantly for your kids sake. You don't want them to grow up in a household where abuse is normalized.

Can you talk to someone in real life and tell them what happened?

So in conclusion. He was so drunk he backs a danger to you and your children? Doesn’t feel guilty, blames that on not remembering?

then to top it off, you’re uncomfortably hot but he likely had demanded you not show anyone else what a abusive piece of shit he is?

you need to watch sleeping with the enemy🥰

The sun might be shining, but your future is bleak OP.

What happens in the future OP? How do you see this panning out? Are you planning trying to manage every situation in future to minimise the risk of it happening again?
I hope the kids never end up being testing.

Oh Jesus. 😞

How were you kids laughing during those interactions? My kids would have been terrified. You MUST already know that is not acceptable behaviour from your DH...

but they seem relatively unscathed.

Wrong. You need to protect your kids.

@OrchidArcade a decent person would be overcome with guilt whether he could remember it or not. He knows what he did - he is telling you he doesn’t care.

The fact you think one nice day - where he insisted you covered your bruises - makes it all worth it means he knows you are going to stay no matter what.
And it’s your children who are paying the price for your decisions.

They are not unscathed. They have already been damaged by watching their mother show them that it doesn’t matter if someone scares or hurts them as long as they are nice afterwards.

If they tell someone at school or a trusted relative, they won’t tell them it’s fine for daddy to hurt you all because mummy says it’s worth it.

Everything you have written here screams abuse, it's textbook. You need to leave, but it looks like you won't, you just want to make excuses for him

Wow this whole thing is absolutely bizarre. Your husband was so far in the wrong, it's indefensible but your behaviour was strange, (curling up at the bottom of the bed?!)as are your responses brushing this under the carpet. I hope this is a made up post otherwise I really pity your children, if this is an actual post your husband has gripped you around your arm and assaulted you in front of your children and you're shrugging it off and hiding the bruises. Please speak to someone other than Mumsnet even if it's just the anon Women's Aid service as something really seems amiss here.

This will happen again OP. It will likely be worse next time as your H now knows he can get away with abusing you as long as he makes it up to you afterwards.
Your boys have already been affected. As their mum you need to protect them from this happening again

For fucks sake.

They aren't "mummy's boys" - either they are looking to you to protect them from him, or in their innocence, are trying to protect you from him.

Your husband is an abusive cunt. Now you know that. You have clear proof of actual physical abuse now. Prosecutable textbook domestic violence. Add that to the already existing mental and emotional abuse and possibly other forms of coercive control he's already been displaying for years now. But yeah, he's a "good dad", right?

Know that from this point on... you are choosing to subject your children to abuse. You are choosing this terror for them. You are choosing to continue to damage them with your failure to protect them. This will give them lifelong issues and ultimately they'll blame you for not protecting them when it was your literal job as a parent.

I really hope so too. Poor boys x

Your kids are not unscathed. I vividly remember my bio dad (completely NC now - my choice) shoving my mum into a large piece of furniture and bruising her. I was 3/4 and didn't say anything at the time as I was scared and didn't really know what was happening.

Well, now he knows he only has to apologise, you'd better get used to wearing clothing that'll cover the bruises as he knows you'll happily do it now. Sorry OP but I'm genuinely horrified about how you trivialise how sheepish he felt and how he was worried about your bruises being on show. Of course he is - he isn't a hapless little love who's now embarrassed he was a bit silly - he knocked you about and left visible marks and doesn't want someone who will do something about it to see.

Take it from the child in this situation many years ago - they're going to be terrified. They're going to have many issues in years to come. They're going to eventually wonder why the hell mum didn't get away sooner and instead put them through years of misery. I don't resent my mum in the slightest, but more than 2 decades later I still get random bouts of anger/annoyance/upset that she didn't leave the abusive sod straight away.

The boys asked why Daddy was bring such an idiot last night but they seem relatively unscathed

I know someone who thought her DC weren't impacted by the violence her partner subjected her to, as they were too small to remember/asleep. SS disagreed, her DC were removed and later adopted.

I know exactly how it sounds and I'm not naive

You are. You're risking losing your children if you don't get them out of this damaging environment. If you won't do it to protect yourself, do it for your children.

I was just coming to add what @nothingcomestonothing said. I was going to say not trying to scare you, but I hope it does, OP. Something has to since you're happy to sweep his behaviour under the rug.
Social services won't accept "but we had a nice day afterwards!" if your children or someone else who picks up on it tells them about it.