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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Dh bruised my arm during a fight I front of our children

217 replies

OrchidArcade · 10/04/2023 20:24

Obviously it sounds unreasonable written down like that but as any situation is, it feels far more nuanced. It's been a really rainy bank holiday Monday so we stayed in with our two sons all day. They are full on Mummy's boys and don't really have all that much time for their Dad.

After our dinner and a few drinks, I decided I'd get to bed and the boys followed me up wanting to snuggle in the big bed. Of course I let them but dh came up and demanded that he could get in and they had to get to their bed and that he'd compromise by sleeping in their room in the spare bunk. Neither of them wanted to shift so he shouted at me to get out and sleep in their room which set the youngest off crying.

QThey both wanted to follow me but he physically restrained them which I hate. I returned to the big bed and curled up at the foot of the bed saying I wasn't leaving. Our eldest got a nervous fit of the giggles and started giggling which enraged Dh who wrongly assumed I was tickling their feet and shouted at me that I was an interfering bitch and needed to leave the room.
When I refused to leave without boys (feeling they were getting very uncomfortable) he grabbed me by the arm and pushed me of the bed telling me to fuck off and twisting my arm.

Obviously I wasn't leaving the boys at this point so I got back on the bed and told them to follow me and them he pushed me and grabbed me again

I'm now sharing a single bunk with two boys and just saw some pretty impressive bruises on my upper arm. What the fuck!!

OP posts:
FiledAwayInABox · 10/04/2023 20:49

You first responsibility is to your boys. You can not choose to stay in an environment where there is someone who can not control themselves. Your DH didn't target the boys this time but what about in the future! Do you know how testing and annoying some kids can be when they get older?

If your husband can't control himself in a mild situation like you had today then how will he if there are genuinely testing times.

TheRookie · 10/04/2023 20:49

This is all so odd. Why are you going to bed before your kids, and why is he now asleep before 8pm? How can this all have happened in such a short space of time?

Forgetting all of that, you are being abused OP. There is no way this should have ended up in a fight.

Original poster
OrchidArcade · 10/04/2023 20:50

Thanks for the advice. I'm going to leave it here tonight and sort some things out tomorrow.

OP posts:
Littlebummybums · 10/04/2023 20:51

It’s not just the physical bruise though. The whole bedtime episode was abusive from start to finish.

Invadersmustdie · 10/04/2023 20:51

What your boys witnessed tonight will change their lives forever. The way they think, feel and act. Do not trivialise it. He did what he did because he was angry. He did what he did because he could. You can stay and gaslight your children into thinking it wasn't that bad or its totally normal for daddy's to be violent or you can leave.

fozwomble · 10/04/2023 20:52

OrchidArcade · 10/04/2023 20:41

I know it sounds naive but I think his feelings were hurt by the usual 'mummys boys' antics and that he was acting out of anger and frustration rather than calculated abuse. Not an excuse obviously but I don't think he's mean to hurt me especially in front of the boys.

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but yes you are being naive. Your husband has verbally and physically abused you and your small children have witnessed it. They are justifiably scared and are looking to you to keep them safe.

Don't differentiate between 'calculated abuse' and 'acting on anger and frustration' as you've put it. It is calculated abuse in that he manages to keep a lid on his anger and frustration when he's around other people (work, out with friends etc) but he has chosen to lift the lid where you're concerned. Now he's done it once, he will do it again.

This won't have come out of the blue and I suspect he's been showing some signs of resentment about your relationship with your children already.

Please, please leave. He might be asleep now, but he will wake up and you have no idea how he will behave in the morning. He might gaslight you and pretend nothing happened. He might give you the silent treatment. Or he might have another pop while he's hungover. You have no idea and shouldn't take the risk. You need to ring the police now and get them to remove him. He is dangerous. You and your children are at risk of further harm.

palelavender · 10/04/2023 20:53

Why is it okay that your children just disobey their father and you don't back him up? The fact that they are Mummy's boys is not something I'd be rejoicing about or seeing as an excuse. I don't think your husband is unreasonable to want to get into his own bed. Obviously, of course he behaved very badly subsequently.

SittingOnTheChair · 10/04/2023 20:54

He is abusive.

Your kids will be scared for life if you don't leave / get him to leave.

Starseeking · 10/04/2023 20:54

It sounds unreasonable, because it is.

If you wish for your sons to normalise this kind of abuse and possibly replicate it in future, stay where you are.

If you wish to remove yourself from a situation where your H will escalate the abuse, you need to start mapping out your exit from today, and execute that plan very soon.

HappyMe6 · 10/04/2023 20:54

Serious question so is it ok in your eyes for your husband to manhandle you causing bruises calling you a bitch and telling you to fuck off! Of course he meant to hurt you! He was making a point! Didn’t care about your feelings or his children’s, stop making excuses for him

Sittwritt · 10/04/2023 20:56

Oh Goodness you were well and truly abused. What is his problem being such a bully? I am sure this was not his first time. It’s all about control. What a dickhead.

Tina221 · 10/04/2023 20:56

Please call police or call a friend so you and your boys can leave before he wakes up. He is abusive and your boys witnessed his abuse. Please leave x

Newuser82 · 10/04/2023 20:58

This is so sad. Him swearing at you in front of your kids is bad enough but him restraining the kids and then grabbing you is really worrying. I really hope you are ok!

BlackFlyChardonnay · 10/04/2023 20:58

If sounds like he feels jealous and excluded by your close relationship with your boys (as an aside, is the reason your boys are closer to you because they are scared/wary of him?).

His reaction - verbal and physical - has crossed a line, regardless of his triggers. When he Physically assaults you, and that is what this is, in front of your children, he is harming you all.

Your boys are being damaged. I'm not throwing out a glib "LTB" but you really need to leave to keep you and your boys safe. Don't let them grow up thinking this is okay.

ReliantRobyn · 10/04/2023 20:59

Call the police. It will be logged for the divorce

hallodarknessmyoldfriend · 10/04/2023 21:00

You can't stay with this man.

Your children don't deserve to be raised in an abusive home.

HotPenguin · 10/04/2023 21:01

This is awful, as well as hurting you he "restrained" your children. Over nothing. What the hell is he like when they do something actually bad? You need to get out.

DiddyHeck · 10/04/2023 21:02

HotPenguin · 10/04/2023 21:01

This is awful, as well as hurting you he "restrained" your children. Over nothing. What the hell is he like when they do something actually bad? You need to get out.

Yes and check the children for bruises in the morning.

verdantverdure · 10/04/2023 21:02

It's the part where you said "he physically restrained them which I hate" that jumped out at me.

It didn't sound like a one off.

Good men don't call women bitches in front of children. Or grab women hard enough to bruise.

Even when their feelings are hurt.

Tactica · 10/04/2023 21:03

Out of the whole of your posts, OP, which really, really troubled me for your DC, this Our eldest got a nervous fit of the giggles just killed me. You poor, poor boys.

Get them out of there. Stop minimising the fear your DC feel in the presence of this nasty fucker.

They are counting on you. Don't let them down.

Flowerly · 10/04/2023 21:07

Tactica · 10/04/2023 21:03

Out of the whole of your posts, OP, which really, really troubled me for your DC, this Our eldest got a nervous fit of the giggles just killed me. You poor, poor boys.

Get them out of there. Stop minimising the fear your DC feel in the presence of this nasty fucker.

They are counting on you. Don't let them down.

This. Your children are suffering. FFS you must leave this appalling excuse for a man asap - for your children and for yourself.

Addymontgomeryfan · 10/04/2023 21:07

Do not try and make excuses or find reasons for what he did. The fact he restrained your children and you said you hate that that is making it seem as though he has done this before. He then physically abused you in front of them.

Talk to someone in real life, that won't 'make it real' as you have said, this is already real and yes it's hard leaving and everything that comes after, but staying will be so much worse.

Hercisback · 10/04/2023 21:07

Call someone now.

This isn't a one off. There's no nuance, he's abusive. Your kids deserve better.

ShowUs · 10/04/2023 21:07

Those poor, poor children!

You sound like you love your children and if that’s the case then you will make sure they don’t grow up in an abusive home.

If you don’t want to leave your DH then that is your choice but do not allow these boys to stay there.

Do the right thing and have them put into a foster home so they are out of harms way.
You can go through private fostering if you have a family member who is able to take them.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/04/2023 21:08

It is alarming how much you are minimising this. Your poor kids.

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