My Dh bruised my arm during a fight I front of our children

[OrchidArcade]

Obviously it sounds unreasonable written down like that but as any situation is, it feels far more nuanced. It's been a really rainy bank holiday Monday so we stayed in with our two sons all day. They are full on Mummy's boys and don't really have all that much time for their Dad.

After our dinner and a few drinks, I decided I'd get to bed and the boys followed me up wanting to snuggle in the big bed. Of course I let them but dh came up and demanded that he could get in and they had to get to their bed and that he'd compromise by sleeping in their room in the spare bunk. Neither of them wanted to shift so he shouted at me to get out and sleep in their room which set the youngest off crying.

QThey both wanted to follow me but he physically restrained them which I hate. I returned to the big bed and curled up at the foot of the bed saying I wasn't leaving. Our eldest got a nervous fit of the giggles and started giggling which enraged Dh who wrongly assumed I was tickling their feet and shouted at me that I was an interfering bitch and needed to leave the room.
When I refused to leave without boys (feeling they were getting very uncomfortable) he grabbed me by the arm and pushed me of the bed telling me to fuck off and twisting my arm.

Obviously I wasn't leaving the boys at this point so I got back on the bed and told them to follow me and them he pushed me and grabbed me again

I'm now sharing a single bunk with two boys and just saw some pretty impressive bruises on my upper arm. What the fuck!!

I don't want the boys seeing this as Normal and as I'm typing they're both trying to get me to sleep in their respective bunks. They're on edge.

So you know what you have to do.

NO MAN is worth abusing his kids and their mother.

I hope you have a plan in place.

Keep writing on this post. MN has wonderful people commenting for you to get away from him.

Womens Aid. Please phone them and put it in motion. Your lovely self and your kids will thank you.

He absolutely, categorically meant to hurt you because you disobeyed him.
He meant for your boys to see him hurting you so he can control them through fear of being hurt too.

It may be hard to admit and make ‘real’ but make no mistake - the fear he has already instilled in your children is real, whether you want to keep pretending otherwise or not.

There can be no coming back from this - if he’s now at the stage of calling you names and manhandling you in front of them, the next stage will be beating you more seriously in front of them.

Take photos.
Do not listen to the apologists on here who will point out your drinking or the fact that your children prefer you to their abusive father. Listen to the ones telling you to get out.

I noticed you later made out it was the first time. It will happen again now its happened once believe me whether its tomorrow or a year from now it will happen. You need to take your kids away from it coz next time it could be a lot worse or it could be them

After our dinner and a few drinks, I decided I'd get to bed - you're posting this at 20.24 and your children 'followed you up'. How old are your children that you go to bed before them??

100% this. Please get yourself and your children away from him. Call the police or go into a station tomorrow and get help. I

What he did to you was unacceptable but he also physically restrained your children because they wanted to be with you, while he made you leave? While the youngest was crying? That’s not a man I would want to be with.

Perhaps they disobeyed in this instance because they were scared of him and didn't want to be left alone with him?

How old are your boys? How long until they tell a teacher what they saw...

Drunk or not his behaviour was not acceptable and you should not be subjecting your boys to a potential risk.

Toxic relationship. Neither of you respect the other, and then physical fighting thrown into the mix.

...because she said on here that her boys are Mummy's boys?!

This. You are wanting to bury your head in the sand and minimise what has happened, because it's scary to leave. But you can't. It's far too serious for that and you should be far more scared of what will happen if you stay and let your children continue to grow up in this abusive environment. There's an extreme chance this will happen again and it's just a matter of time before one of your children is the one left covered in bruises after one of this man's violent, abusive assaults. I mean he's already proven he's ok with putting his hands on them and restraining them in anger. Then it will just be a matter of someone else noticing those bruises before social services get involved and your children have the horrific trauma of being removed from their home. And from you too if you don't show that you're capable of protecting your children from their abuser.
If you stay. You and your children are all in serious danger of (further) harm. Please find the strength to talk to someone who can help you leave, OP. For your poor innocent children's sake.

Your poor boys, they must have been feeling very scared for you.

You need to leave. That's not an option, it's a necessity. Your children deserve sound piece of mind which they won't get in a house with abuse. I know it's scary but this must be done, they don't deserve to keep seeing this - and it will happen again.

Whether this is the first or the tenth time he's physically hurt you; it isn't acceptable.

He has;

• scared your sons
• scared you
• made fear for no reason, he has absolutely no reason to do that to you.
• left you with bruises

Best of luck. You're stronger than you know and your sons sound so sweet, you can do this.

Your husband isn’t just abusing you. His behavior is also child abuse.

abusers are often motivated from places of damage or hurt. That doesn’t make the harm they cause any less real.

i know my father had real trauma in his childhood and that as an adult he truly suffered from mental illness and the aftermath of his past. That doesn’t make anything he did acceptable.

people can choose to seek real help instead of self-medicating with alcohol

people can choose to direct their anguish into healthy pursuits

people can choose to walk away when they know that their emotions are escalating

No, because the way the OP is written sounds very much like she is using the DC's attachment to her to exclude DH. In a healthy relationship DC would not be allowed to dictate where their DPs sleep with the encouragement and pandering of one of their parents.

Just another bit from the OP which points to abuse but I don't think anyone's highlighted:
Neither of them wanted to shift so he shouted at me to get out and sleep in their room

"so he shouted" - this is a normal consequence, perhaps a routine sequence, for you?

You are making ridiculous excuses for his abusive behaviour. He was both verbally and physically abusive of you in front of his children. Then he abused you again for good measure. Take photos of the bruises tonight and in the morning. First thing in the morning phone Woman's Aid. Report to the Police as domestic abuse. If you let him get away with this you might as well go around with a sticker on your head saying hit me I won't report it. More women are killed by their partners than strangers. Your partner is an abusive bully and if you do nothing your already terrified boys will grow up thinking hitting women is normal.

Police-now.
Let them photo your bruises whilst they are still there (they will be more livid in the next couple of days, so you can also go to the GP to document there as well)
This is a golden opportunity to EVIDENCE what he has done in this assault, OP.
Please don't waste it-even if you're not ready to leave yet, you will have contemporaneous proof of his violence.
Also, as an (ex) social worker, please be aware that your children will be considered at risk, having witnessed the assault, and having been assaulted by him when he twisted one of their arms. How many times has he hurt any of you before?
Be prepared for school/nursery to raise a safeguarding alert if the children mention what has happened.
Once is too often, and he is clearly a danger to all of you.
So very sorry this has happened, can you phone the police from the bathroom or somewhere he won't overhear you?

I agree with Rwalker. Things sound very bad but how is your husband not allowed in his own bed?

It isn’t nuanced at all. This is domestic violence. This might be the first time (is it?) but there is never a last time until you leave.
He has frightened you and frightened your children. The damage is done and your kids are now living in an abusive household. The way he spoke to you, even before the violence, is completely unacceptable, and in front of your children is unforgivable. To think he laid hands on you in front of your kids shows how a) he has no control of his anger and b) how little respect he has for you or the children.
If you saw your bruises on the arm of your friend, and she told you what you’ve told us, what would your advice be?

'No, because the way the OP is written sounds very much like she is using the DC's attachment to her to exclude DH.'

Doesn't matter. It doesn't excuse what he did. She didn't have it coming, no one should be physically assaulting their partner. I grew up in a home with domestic violence OP and it is terrifying for the children. And it can cause lifelong mental health problems. What you should do is ring the police and have him removed.

You are justifying his reaction.

There was NO excuse.

OP: You have a duty of care towards your child AND yourself. Get the hell out of there.

Your dh is very wrong to hurt you physically and to scare the boys.
I do not condone his behaviour at all.
it is not fair on the children to witness this.
There is a lot more to this I've no doubt whatsoever.

@MeinKraft Using DC as barriers or conduits for adult emotions is emotionally abusive, as I made clear in my first post. The DC are paramount and this toxic dynamic, created by both parents, needs to be ended

Youre in a really difficult situation, because it is going to require you to be brave and leave this man. He is abusive. Abuse isn’t calculated. It’s abuse regardless.

Perhaps your boys want to share your bed because you’re their protector and they feel vulnerable around you.

Everything you’ve written screams “scared children” and you should be able to drink two bottles of wine, go to bed and not have abuse hurled at you. Your boys should be able to go to bed without experiencing their father restraining them or shouting.

Please please leave tomorrow, go to a refuge if you have to.

@MeinKraft I was also clear that it did not condone his behavior too