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Original poster

Do these fathers actually want children?

358 replies

Daftasyoulike · 10/04/2023 17:01

I see a lot of posts on MN about absent Fathers who don't pay maintenance, don't make any effort to see their children, etc. Is it unreasonable to ask whether these men ever actually wanted kids in the first place, or was it a case of accidental pregnancies, which were allowed to continue in the hope that 'he will come around to the idea once the baby arrives', and then when the relationship breaks up, you find that he never really cared about having the kids in the first place, so doesn't feel he should contribute emotionally or financially to the raising of his children?

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 10/04/2023 17:06

I couldn't care less whether the men wanted their dc, it makes no difference to their legal or ethical responsibility to their dc once they are here.

If they wanted to opt out of the risk of having dc, you do that my not having sex, or having a vasectomy.

I think it is astonishing to put the needs of men not to be mildly inconvenienced by their own life choices ahead of the rights of women not to have to cover the share of the labour of raising a child that belongs to the father, and rights of children to be financially and emotionally supported by their parents.

KimberleyClark · 10/04/2023 17:07

Most men go along with what their wives/partners want in this regard.

OhMyCherriePie · 10/04/2023 17:08

Of course there will be men who didn’t want the child and the woman kept the baby, I see it on my single parents group all the time women keeping babies from causal flings etc yes it does happen but it’s not always the case but can’t deny that it happens.

Mogul · 10/04/2023 17:09

I think there are a lot of 'accidents' and women that hope a man who has said he doesn't want kids will change his mind. It's not right they don't pay but I'm not sure it's right they don't quite get the choice the way women do

Yazo · 10/04/2023 17:10

Do the mums actually want the kids to have fathers? Because that happens too and everything in between.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 10/04/2023 17:11

Men who don't want children should get a vasectomy.

OhTinyBear · 10/04/2023 17:12

My ex talked me into pregnancy, he was over the moon about it all the way up until we found out we were having a girl, and then he gradually tuned out and then fucked off completely shortly before my due date. He’s never had anything to do with his child despite living nearby, and the only way I got any maintenance was via CMS (so only going on the income he actually declares 🙄). So yeah. You are being massively U.

BertieBotts · 10/04/2023 17:13

I think it's way more complicated than that.

You make it sound like hordes of women are somehow tricking poor innocent men into fatherhood with their wiley feminine ways!

goodf · 10/04/2023 17:15

Sadly a lot of guys like to conform with the social convention of having kids and a family etc but simply can't be arsed in practice with the whole parenting thing.

A DP of a friend of mine is lazy, cant be arsed to parent his own kids and will pass responsibility for his own kids onto other adults at social events, it honestly beggars belief.

ItsThePlayBusDingDing · 10/04/2023 17:16

My ex kept me pregnant as a form of control.

Then he fucked off and is parenting someone else's kids and never sees his own when the control stopped working.

There's often very complicated backgrounds to these things.

thegrain · 10/04/2023 17:18

If they didn't want a baby they should have taken their own precautions

blackbeardsballsack · 10/04/2023 17:23

Oh no, you've caught me out. Yes, my ex husband was tricked by me into proposing, getting married and planning a baby. I had always secretly wanted him to fuck off into the sunset to lead a carefree life whilst I raised DC on my own, with no break, the entire financial and emotional burden, my DC's friends asking why they don't have a dad, my DC enviously watching other kids idolising their dads, and carrying the social pariah stigma of being a single mum and therefore a creature of the underclass no matter how hard I work or how well I parent.

Thanks for that, OP.

hoven · 10/04/2023 17:28

Yes I think that is often the case. In most cases this happens in casual relationships rather than marriages which shows it was a risky decision.

No doubt fathers should be a part of a child life but I really hope women and men wake up and take some responsibility for who they have children with and when.
Men have no say in abortions so they see it as a kind of financial or responsibility abortion.

ThatsN0tFunny · 10/04/2023 17:34

My kids sadly have an absent father who doesn’t pay child support.

No doubt he tells anyone who will listen that he didn’t want them anyway and he was forced into it. Which I’m sure that you @Daftasyoulike will believe, with your mother- blaming misogynistic rhetoric.

Tell me @Daftasyoulike , when my husband of 5 years said that he was desperate to have kids, what should I have done to make him prove he was genuine ?

What’s the test I should have used?

What signs were there that “ he never really cared about having kids in the first place “?

How could I have guessed that he would feel that he shouldn’t contribute emotionally or finically to the raising of his children ?

Please give as much detail as you can @Daftasyoulike . It’s too late for me and my kids but I’m sure it will help other women who are thinking of having children. How can they become omniscient like you?

BibbleandSqwauk · 10/04/2023 17:35

hoven · 10/04/2023 17:28

Yes I think that is often the case. In most cases this happens in casual relationships rather than marriages which shows it was a risky decision.

No doubt fathers should be a part of a child life but I really hope women and men wake up and take some responsibility for who they have children with and when.
Men have no say in abortions so they see it as a kind of financial or responsibility abortion.

Nope. I disagree with "most". I know plenty of divorced women raising their kids with minimal or no maintenance and the dad has eow contact at best. They were previously married, following at least a few years, in some cases more than ten years together and planned children. But the strain of early years, two working parents or the gap that appears between one working a "big job" and one stay at home parent, cost of child care, unequal mental loads, opportunities to cheat with someone not encumbered by all of the above and bam. Then you get "the script" of how they've been unhappy for ages, was manipulated into marriage and kids by the evil ex or society in general and so on ... No doubt there are many absent fathers where there was little or no relationship first and no plan for children, but it's not "most". It would be far easier to understand and explain if that were the case.

hoven · 10/04/2023 17:37

blackbeardsballsack · 10/04/2023 17:23

Oh no, you've caught me out. Yes, my ex husband was tricked by me into proposing, getting married and planning a baby. I had always secretly wanted him to fuck off into the sunset to lead a carefree life whilst I raised DC on my own, with no break, the entire financial and emotional burden, my DC's friends asking why they don't have a dad, my DC enviously watching other kids idolising their dads, and carrying the social pariah stigma of being a single mum and therefore a creature of the underclass no matter how hard I work or how well I parent.

Thanks for that, OP.

Did you get any financial 'help' through the divorce settlement?

hoven · 10/04/2023 17:38

ThatsN0tFunny · 10/04/2023 17:34

My kids sadly have an absent father who doesn’t pay child support.

No doubt he tells anyone who will listen that he didn’t want them anyway and he was forced into it. Which I’m sure that you @Daftasyoulike will believe, with your mother- blaming misogynistic rhetoric.

Tell me @Daftasyoulike , when my husband of 5 years said that he was desperate to have kids, what should I have done to make him prove he was genuine ?

What’s the test I should have used?

What signs were there that “ he never really cared about having kids in the first place “?

How could I have guessed that he would feel that he shouldn’t contribute emotionally or finically to the raising of his children ?

Please give as much detail as you can @Daftasyoulike . It’s too late for me and my kids but I’m sure it will help other women who are thinking of having children. How can they become omniscient like you?

Have you started legal action due to his non payment?

Aylestone · 10/04/2023 17:39

My abusive ex was actually the one who convinced me to have a baby. Nagged for 5 years straight until I had one ‘for him’, he left when he was 6 weeks and hasn’t seen him since. I know loads of couples where the man’s a controlling dick and convinces their partner to have a baby, presumably to control them even more. Though I think some women have to take some responsibility for blatantly ignoring red flags. When a man appears so desperate for a baby though I think it can be easy to convince yourself it’ll be the making of him, no one wants a baby with a bad father.

Somanycats · 10/04/2023 17:40

I think very few men actively want children.

Aylestone · 10/04/2023 17:42

blackbeardsballsack · 10/04/2023 17:23

Oh no, you've caught me out. Yes, my ex husband was tricked by me into proposing, getting married and planning a baby. I had always secretly wanted him to fuck off into the sunset to lead a carefree life whilst I raised DC on my own, with no break, the entire financial and emotional burden, my DC's friends asking why they don't have a dad, my DC enviously watching other kids idolising their dads, and carrying the social pariah stigma of being a single mum and therefore a creature of the underclass no matter how hard I work or how well I parent.

Thanks for that, OP.

This. What an absolutely shit thing to insinuate. So dead beat fathers are now the fault of the women they got pregnant and abandoned?

blackbeardsballsack · 10/04/2023 17:43

What do you mean did I get financial 'help' during the divorce settlement? Rather a poisonous tone to that comment, isn't there?

I got no money from him in the divorce, if you're interested. I was able to prevent him from claiming a stake of my pension (poor guy, eh) and he took the car. Is that ok with you? Are you satisfied now that I didn't rinse the poor man for his (zero) assets before he skipped off? Don't worry, he didn't pay anything towards the £240 nursery fees per week, or the holiday clubs, or the sports clubs, or food, or clothes, or anything in fact. So he's been able to keep his wages from his little job to buy nice things.

devildeepbluesea · 10/04/2023 17:43

What a stupid thing to say. Any man who doesn’t want kids can wear a condom and/or get a vasectomy. But many don’t because they’re the sort of person who’s quite happy to fuck off, leaving the women they fucked quite literally holding the baby. And people like OP who make excuses for them validate their life choices.

LolaSmiles · 10/04/2023 17:44

Some men are happy with the idea of having children, but they don't anticipate doing any of the basic work of parenting as that (along with housework) is a woman's job in their eyes. When the relationship ends they're not going to step up because it's too easy for them to be let off the hook.

Outside of abusive relationships though, I do question why people choose to have multiple children with men who have shown themselves to be selfish before children, selfish and selectively useless after 1 child and then, unsurprisingly, he's a giant waste of space after 2 or 3 children.

Unfortunately the bar for men is quite low so many of us accept it. I also think some women are quite willing to overlook large red flags in male behaviour because they want a baby and they'll explain away and minimise crap behaviour because they hope a baby will change him/he'll step up when the baby arrives.

hoven · 10/04/2023 17:45

@blackbeardsballsack didn't mean for there to be a poisonous tone. It's just you said you were supporting the children alone

I think there are some unfortunate cases where this happens.

I hope you were able to get child maintenance

BibbleandSqwauk · 10/04/2023 17:46

@hoven your response only focuses is on what the present parent should be doing "have you started legal action yet?". For a start the "legal action" is limited to the CMS which anyone on here will tell you is a total shit show. Maintenance is not dealt with by courts for the most part and those who are determined not to pay, won't. Even those who do pay the CMS are rarely contributing anything like 50% of the real costs. How about you focus on what the absent fathers should be compelled to do by the state, rather than putting the onus on the mother's who are doing all they can.