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AIBU?

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Original poster

Do these fathers actually want children?

358 replies

Daftasyoulike · 10/04/2023 17:01

I see a lot of posts on MN about absent Fathers who don't pay maintenance, don't make any effort to see their children, etc. Is it unreasonable to ask whether these men ever actually wanted kids in the first place, or was it a case of accidental pregnancies, which were allowed to continue in the hope that 'he will come around to the idea once the baby arrives', and then when the relationship breaks up, you find that he never really cared about having the kids in the first place, so doesn't feel he should contribute emotionally or financially to the raising of his children?

OP posts:
shutthewindownow · 10/04/2023 17:47

No they like having sex

hoven · 10/04/2023 17:51

BibbleandSqwauk · 10/04/2023 17:46

@hoven your response only focuses is on what the present parent should be doing "have you started legal action yet?". For a start the "legal action" is limited to the CMS which anyone on here will tell you is a total shit show. Maintenance is not dealt with by courts for the most part and those who are determined not to pay, won't. Even those who do pay the CMS are rarely contributing anything like 50% of the real costs. How about you focus on what the absent fathers should be compelled to do by the state, rather than putting the onus on the mother's who are doing all they can.

I usually hear the mothers complaining about their absent partners. Hence why I question their initial choice they made.
Of course fathers should play a part, but I truly believe the majority of cases are down to poor decision making

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 10/04/2023 17:54

My ex desperately wanted children he just couldn't deal with the reality of having them.

IAmTheWalrus85 · 10/04/2023 17:55

OhTinyBear · 10/04/2023 17:12

My ex talked me into pregnancy, he was over the moon about it all the way up until we found out we were having a girl, and then he gradually tuned out and then fucked off completely shortly before my due date. He’s never had anything to do with his child despite living nearby, and the only way I got any maintenance was via CMS (so only going on the income he actually declares 🙄). So yeah. You are being massively U.

I can easily believe this - I’ve noticed that there’s a certain kind of (excuse for a) man who’ll stick around for a boy but can’t be arsed with a daughter.

kitsuneghost · 10/04/2023 17:56

Women's body women's choice.

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 10/04/2023 17:56

hoven · 10/04/2023 17:51

I usually hear the mothers complaining about their absent partners. Hence why I question their initial choice they made.
Of course fathers should play a part, but I truly believe the majority of cases are down to poor decision making

Show quote history

Yes but what about those partners who claimed that they wanted children , who were a great partner until they had children. How could anyone know that they would turn out terrible parents?

Aylestone · 10/04/2023 17:57

kitsuneghost · 10/04/2023 17:56

Women's body women's choice.

What does that mean?

hoven · 10/04/2023 17:58

@QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat partners or husbands? If it's the former it's a poor choice. Having a child with your sex partner/ friend and expecting commitment

TomatoSandwiches · 10/04/2023 17:59

Men need to not be so passive in their life choices, if men don't want children they should avoid vaginally penetrative sex and use multiple methods of contraception, just as women should.

It shouldn't matter if a man wants to contribute financially to his offspring or not, it should be enforced.

GobbieMaggie · 10/04/2023 17:59

An awful lot of men are , at best, ambivalent to the idea of having kids and a sizeable minority are more than just a tad resistant. The thing is their partners will proceed with a pregnancy, or even engineer it ( how naive to think I wouldn't want kids ) knowing this. The result is all too frequently, predictable.

That men will willingly embark on a life or celibacy or voluntarily submit to surgical sterilisation is delusional and only punted out to justify an equally irresponsible act.

Redminionpenguin · 10/04/2023 18:00

Mine said he did - 4 years of ttc, fertility tests and then treatment. You don't wank in the pot if you don't want it.
Left while I was pregnant, no maintenance as gave up work and didn't claim benefits, went on to have 3 more dc (one within a year of me giving birth).

BibbleandSqwauk · 10/04/2023 18:00

@hoven I find your stance incredibly insulting. I'm not denying that there are some women who choose to continue pregnancies knowing the father is unlikely to be a "good" one, but you seem determined to ignore what you are being told, that many men were perfectly decent partners, husband's and actually even fathers up to a point. Til they weren't any more. I have had this argument on other threads with women determined to believe that there are ALWAYS red flags. There really isn't. The question you should be asking is why does the UK system make it so easy for absent fathers to be so, and why does society seem to accept it as perfectly reasonable parenting to do 4 days a month as standard?

JamSandle · 10/04/2023 18:00

A friend of mine has just had her fourth baby. There are three different dads involved and none of them pay or help out. The most recent comes over to have sex and go.

I know she always wanted babies. And I think in her rush to do that she picked quite careless men.

I think for these guys it was the ability to not use protection they liked. The thought of a baby was neither here nor there.

ThatsN0tFunny · 10/04/2023 18:02

@hoven what kind of legal action do you suggest ?

Id also like to know about the financial “ help” during you mentioned to another poster . Where do I apply for this - is it through benefits or taxes ? Can you link to the relevant page on the government website please ?

Thanks in advance .

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 10/04/2023 18:02

hoven · 10/04/2023 17:58

@QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat partners or husbands? If it's the former it's a poor choice. Having a child with your sex partner/ friend and expecting commitment

What does it matter if it's a long term relationship with a house and children?

SmileyPaella · 10/04/2023 18:03

Mogul · 10/04/2023 17:09

I think there are a lot of 'accidents' and women that hope a man who has said he doesn't want kids will change his mind. It's not right they don't pay but I'm not sure it's right they don't quite get the choice the way women do

Hallelujah 🙌

EasterBreak · 10/04/2023 18:03

So my child's dad see him until he was 3 years old. Always contributed something. Then went no contact and stopped contributing after meeting a new woman and getting her pregnant. I'd contact him to arrange contact and he said I was harassing him and to not contact him. I ended up going to CSA and he made my child do a DNA test even though we were a couple, he was at the birth and signed the birth certificate. Obviously this proved my son was his and he said he didn't care and he had a new family now. Bare in mind he was a good dad until my son was 3 years old. Over a decade later he showed up with a letter claiming he was depressed and made bad choices and now wanted to be a dad. My then teenager told him he was not interested in seeing him.

GobbieMaggie · 10/04/2023 18:04

TomatoSandwiches · 10/04/2023 17:59

Men need to not be so passive in their life choices, if men don't want children they should avoid vaginally penetrative sex and use multiple methods of contraception, just as women should.

It shouldn't matter if a man wants to contribute financially to his offspring or not, it should be enforced.

What multiple methods of contraception is available to men then ?. There’s only one I can think of that doesn’t involve a very sharp knife !.

Divorcedalongtime · 10/04/2023 18:04

This question is beyond insulting. I think a lot of men and women do not understand just how much is involved in raising children before they are actually there themselves…. and men have an easier out than women.

hoven · 10/04/2023 18:04

BibbleandSqwauk · 10/04/2023 18:00

@hoven I find your stance incredibly insulting. I'm not denying that there are some women who choose to continue pregnancies knowing the father is unlikely to be a "good" one, but you seem determined to ignore what you are being told, that many men were perfectly decent partners, husband's and actually even fathers up to a point. Til they weren't any more. I have had this argument on other threads with women determined to believe that there are ALWAYS red flags. There really isn't. The question you should be asking is why does the UK system make it so easy for absent fathers to be so, and why does society seem to accept it as perfectly reasonable parenting to do 4 days a month as standard?

I think it happens but it is the exception rather than the rule.

Also mothers do not have to have main custody of their child and they can go to the courts for a different custody/visitation split.** Again it is a matter of choice

LolaSmiles · 10/04/2023 18:05

Yes but what about those partners who claimed that they wanted children , who were a great partner until they had children. How could anyone know that they would turn out terrible parents?
Totally anecdotal (and I'm sure there are some men who were genuinely good partners and then changed), but there's an awful lot of threads on MN where a poster declares their DP/DH was a great partner or great dad and has changed, but it then materialises:

  • they've never particularly done much around the house before children
  • they 'helped' around the house before having children as long as his partner told him what needed doing
  • they've always been prone to wasting large chunks of time gaming/at the pub/with his friends/on his hobby
  • the poster has overlooked all the above because they didn't mind making the house look nice
  • he sometimes holds the baby when he gets in from work
  • he's paying a proportional share of the bills whilst his partner is on maternity leave
  • being a great dad means that he plays with the children whilst mum does the housework and all domestic responsibilities
  • being a great dad means he takes the children out to soft play so mum can get the laundry done
  • being a great dad is that he allows mum to have half an hour for a bath once a week

He's 'changed' tends to end up meaning:

  • he still prioritises himself
  • he was selfish before and takes up a hobby that has to be done at a good time to opt out of bedtime and weekend childcare
  • he's doing exactly the same as he was doing but all the additional tasks are falling to mum.
  • he is just as shit a dad/partner as he was after 1 child, but 3 children in he's exactly the same
MeinKraft · 10/04/2023 18:06

Well maybe the mothers didn't want the child either in the first instance. Doesn't mean you don't step up and look after them and love them when they come into existence.

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 10/04/2023 18:07

hoven · 10/04/2023 18:04

I think it happens but it is the exception rather than the rule.

Also mothers do not have to have main custody of their child and they can go to the courts for a different custody/visitation split.** Again it is a matter of choice

Show quote history

Have you seen the family court threads? It's not just as easy as that unfortunately and you cannot force someone to see a child in any case.

diflasu · 10/04/2023 18:07

I know quite a few where the driving force for kids was the man - who then fucked off and sometimes were supposedly good step parents to other kids.

They often suddenly want contact when new DP comes along which then trails off.

StopStartStop · 10/04/2023 18:08

They want children. Some of them insist their wives/partners give them children. Then they meet someone new and they want to walk away from the wife and the children she birthed.

It's male entitlement.