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AIBU?

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Original poster

Do these fathers actually want children?

358 replies

Daftasyoulike · 10/04/2023 17:01

I see a lot of posts on MN about absent Fathers who don't pay maintenance, don't make any effort to see their children, etc. Is it unreasonable to ask whether these men ever actually wanted kids in the first place, or was it a case of accidental pregnancies, which were allowed to continue in the hope that 'he will come around to the idea once the baby arrives', and then when the relationship breaks up, you find that he never really cared about having the kids in the first place, so doesn't feel he should contribute emotionally or financially to the raising of his children?

OP posts:
TwoManyKids · 10/04/2023 19:46

hoven · 10/04/2023 19:43

They can potentially provide foster care of you don't want to look after your children

Show quote history

Oh come on!
If it was that easy- explain the absolute hell holes the Stars and Lolas were living in before they were murdered.

blankittyblank · 10/04/2023 19:47

TheVanguardSix · 10/04/2023 19:19

Hoven? Are you AI? 😳

I think you might be right! Such bizarre posts.

Tinybrother · 10/04/2023 19:48

loads of men really really want to be fathers, they often don’t want to put in any of the hard work but they LOVE the idea of being a father as a status. It brings professional and social status. It’s a complete myth that women are all dragging men into this. And it suits men very well that this myth exists.

GobbieMaggie · 10/04/2023 19:49

Tinybrother · 10/04/2023 19:48

loads of men really really want to be fathers, they often don’t want to put in any of the hard work but they LOVE the idea of being a father as a status. It brings professional and social status. It’s a complete myth that women are all dragging men into this. And it suits men very well that this myth exists.

Rubbish

Burgoo · 10/04/2023 19:50

Many mums don't want to hear this but here it goes...

Men often go along with what you want to have an easier life. Many don't WANT kids but because you do they will go for it anyway, assuming that you aren't going to be breaking up. I know men who have absolutely no interest in having kids but have done so for their partners. I didn't want any at all, my partner wanted 2-3. We agreed on 1.

We had a child based on the knowledge I am selfish and need my own space. Over time I've adapted but the conversation was had early on.

I find that if you relied on men to want children we wouldn't have half as many children in the world today.

Tinybrother · 10/04/2023 19:50

GobbieMaggie · 10/04/2023 19:49

Rubbish

Show quote history

It’s completely true, sorry

OhmygodDont · 10/04/2023 19:51

I think a lot of men see having children as something they do. Not something they have.

They have children because that’s what men do, they make babies with women because women want babies and it carries on the name or whatever.

I think some men really want children but I think a lot of men have children because it’s what you do.

Men that really really truly wanted children are not the ones who run off don’t pay or look after. They are men who purely had children.

I do think the laws over here need fixing up re paying for your child. Lose passports/drivers license/ccj etc for not paying. If your self employed it should be tightened up a proper going though the books. Leans on houses if they own one even if with a new partner on their share etc never should it be written off the debt should live as long as the does and then come out of the estate of there is one.

I actually also think if you refuse to look after your children your maintenance should be increased to include covering hiring babysitters etc for “time off”.

Bizzieizz · 10/04/2023 19:51

hoven · 10/04/2023 19:43

They can potentially provide foster care of you don't want to look after your children

Show quote history

I think you might be slightly mad.
My ex (husband) does not pay CMS, and he has been utterly ruthless in his determination not to.
He lavishes stuff on the kids when he has them, but they aren’t allowed to bring any of it home, in case that eases any burden on me.

He pushed and pushed for me to have the children.

He now wants full custody of them to try to stop them being with me, whilst at the same time pleading poverty and being unable to support them, and doesn’t see the irony of claiming he can have them 50% of the time, but is too poor to pay maintenance…..

Also, Social services don’t just arrange for your children to be fostered to give you a rest.

Supernothing22 · 10/04/2023 19:53

hoven · 10/04/2023 19:44

How long into the marriage did plan children?

Show quote history

4 years after 12 months of fertility treatment. Like a previous poster said, most men wouldn't want into a tub without actually wanting something out of it.

Unfortunately your googling of CMS isn't the same as actually needing to use the system. A system that is so far behind with claims they have actually written off debt that fathers/mothers owe as they are so old now they can't be chased. And the highlight of it is if you want CMS to help with your claim, maybe the other parent won't tell you their salary so you can work out how much should be paid, you get to pay them £20 for the privilege.

A court ordered child arguement order can't not force a parent to see their own child, half the time they aren't worth the paper they are written on.

BibbleandSqwauk · 10/04/2023 19:54

@hoven it would be really great if you could accept that you actually haven't got the faintest idea how any of this works. Foster care is not there to provide single working mums with a couple of nights off to recharge their batteries. They are not going to come round once a week and child 1 to football so you can child 2 to gymnastics. They are not going to come and babysit so you can work late or earn enough to pay for hobbies, a winter coat, to have the heating on, a tutor or counselling for your child who needs it. That's what the other parent should do, even if the relationship ends. But they don't. Foster care is the nuclear option and is not remotely in the ballpark of what is being discussed here.
You have been told that many non resident parents dodge CMS. There is millions in unpaid child maintenance that gets "written off" by the CMS even though it is not the CMSs debt. It does not matter what it says on the website. Have a look on the lone parents board if you want an idea of the problem. Unless you are prepared to acknowledge that a) you are completely ignorant of this and are open to be educated and b) that many single parents did not plan to become so and are not feckless, careless or irresponsible, there's not much point in you continuing to post.

Tinybrother · 10/04/2023 19:55

Burgoo · 10/04/2023 19:50

Many mums don't want to hear this but here it goes...

Men often go along with what you want to have an easier life. Many don't WANT kids but because you do they will go for it anyway, assuming that you aren't going to be breaking up. I know men who have absolutely no interest in having kids but have done so for their partners. I didn't want any at all, my partner wanted 2-3. We agreed on 1.

We had a child based on the knowledge I am selfish and need my own space. Over time I've adapted but the conversation was had early on.

I find that if you relied on men to want children we wouldn't have half as many children in the world today.

many men don’t want to hear this, but here goes

It’s hugely beneficial to men for people to believe this kind of post. It sets a baseline of zero expectations of men.

this narrative is an important one for men because it means they can put in the bare minimum and be considered “great dads”.

Fantasmagoricalan · 10/04/2023 19:58

Who gives a shit if they wanted it? They are fathers, they have equal responsibility for creating life, so they should responsibility to provide for that life. That they don’t just makes them pieces of shit and utter failures.

hoven · 10/04/2023 19:59

This reply has been deleted

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magneticmoon · 10/04/2023 20:01

I think hoven may be a teenager

Supernothing22 · 10/04/2023 20:03

I think they are a man that got conned into having unprotected sex and is now a parent when they never wanted to be and us looking for some sympathy.

magneticmoon · 10/04/2023 20:05

Maybe I'm expecting an adult man to have a better grasp of reality.. willing to accept that may be idealistic

Supernothing22 · 10/04/2023 20:05

Supernothing22 · 10/04/2023 20:03

I think they are a man that got conned into having unprotected sex and is now a parent when they never wanted to be and us looking for some sympathy.

No, after that last post they are actually a Tory MP looking to bad mouth single parents and thier children raised in broken homes

blackbeardsballsack · 10/04/2023 20:07

This reply has been deleted

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So your solution to the broken system which allows men to take no accountability for being parents is for the resident parents to

  1. Shut up and get on with it because it's all their own fault
  2. Put their child in care/up for adoption

Not a reform of CMS or shift in attitude or tax relief for single parents? Nothing to offer other than 'put them in care then'?

magneticmoon · 10/04/2023 20:07

If a Tory MP they have a shockingly poor understanding of the UK system around CMS, SS and Cafcass

BibbleandSqwauk · 10/04/2023 20:08

There's a massive gap between not wanting to parent and acknowledging how difficult it is to be a single parent. "Broken homes" is again, extremely insulting to those of us who were left "holding the babies" due to the poor decisions of our exes. Why are you not more interested in finding out what the actual situation is as regards making them at least financially contribute appropriately?

weinerdog · 10/04/2023 20:08

it would be really great if you could accept that you actually haven't got the faintest idea how any of this works. Foster care is not there to provide single working mums with a couple of nights off to recharge their batteries.

Every adult knows this and I think that poster probably mentioned foster care deliberately as a wind up. Nobody is that stupid.

Why the fuck would a social worker be arranging care for anyone's children? The only way you can get that is if your children are on a care order, and are looked after. Yeah, that sounds like a good solution.

hoven · 10/04/2023 20:10

@blackbeardsballsack
Yes to reform of CMS no to single parent tax cuts.

Singapore4 · 10/04/2023 20:10

A lot of men want the idea of children/family (in reality). It's a hard NO!

Supernothing22 · 10/04/2023 20:11

Sounds very possible to me 😂

Supernothing22 · 10/04/2023 20:12

What tax cuts do single parents get?

Could you tell me so I can apply for them?

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