Who is BU here, them, DH or me?

[DessertGate]

Spent ages shopping, cleaning, preparing and cooking for Easter lunch yesterday for extended family. Spent ages making a really nice dessert.

MIL rocks up with a dessert, not even a nice one, and then everyone says they will have hers as they don't want to offend her. She seems upset that I have made one.

I tell DH that I am not happy. I used to make Sunday roasts and she would turn up with veg and a chicken and insist on having it on the table alongside whatever else we had made.

I just feel it is undermining, and no one has the bottle to go against her. I am sick of it. There were other things that happened, and collectively they make me feel like I'm someone they have to put up with and I feel disrespected in my own home.

DH thinks I am overreacting and IABU.

• specific not significant

I see your point, but for me it wouldn't bother me.
If it did I would say to her face what is she planning to bring and what are you doing. That way she's involved. Then if she does rock up with other stuff say thanks but I've got that covered but I'll put It in the fridge for tomorrow.

My MIL does this and similar tricks. People who are saying it's a nice thing to do are kind of missing the point. Ordinarily yes it's lovely if someone wants to help by bringing a dessert, but not if it's done for competitive or passive aggressive reasons.
If OP asked MIL to bring a dessert, and didn't make one herself, what's the betting that MIL "forgets" to bring hers?

It's death by a thousand paper cuts, lots and lots of little things that all add up.

This ^

I wouldn’t invite her again. She’s obviously capable of cooking for herself so next time ask if you can all go there.

MIL is a complete PITA. The post isn’t about desserts, it’s about OP being undermined.
if OP had told the story the other way round she may have avoided the comments about MIL only being helpful and crap like that. Eg - if poster had given an overview of her MIL’s behaviour and attitude over the years and finished with “for example, she turned up again with a dessert when I’d made a lovely one AND she said she didn’t know I have 2 siblings”
and DH sounds like a useless twat. He should consider his wife’s feelings and defend her.

This is passive aggressive and attention seeking behaviour from MIL. She brings random foods to meals you host, and gets stroppy if you don't use what she brings. Stop inviting these people to your house. Just because they are family doesn't mean you have to host them, stop wasting your time and effort and invite your friends/family instead.

Clumsy fingers and a VERY heavy chicken would put paid to that shit. Get a cat so it can lick the chicken too.

This would be such a non issue at mines, everyone would have double pudding! 😂

What sticks out here is that your DH is now accusing you of ruining his day....

I'd never host for his family again TBH.

OP I’d look on the bright side. More lemon meringue pie for you!

on a more serious note if little things like this are being done that make you feel disrespected in your own home then do not host your other half parents anymore. Let her do the hosting and don’t bring anything

I’d be a little peed but then would be enjoying the desert all to myself later on

This is a dysfunctional family with a narc matriarch. You will never win here and to be fair you need to stop trying.
Once you see the behavior for what it is, it is really quite sad. She has to be the vebtre of attention and will do what she can to keep you in your place.
People who haven't experienced this don't understand how it is in reality. Have a look on Ticktok at toxic parenting. It will validate your feelings much better than anyone on here.
My mother is like your MIL and I had to go no contact. My DH stills says is there no way we can make up, like we just fell out and she didn't destroy my childhood and try to do the same to my children. 😥

I would stop hosting DH's family. Save your energy and cook nice food and tasty desserts for people who appreciate it.

If DH takes issue then he can cook. Don't lift a finger. No tidying, no shopping, no peeling spuds. Go out and arrive home when the guests come. Install yourself on the sofa with wine.

She has to be the vebtre of attention and will do what she can to keep you in your place.

Exactly it.

Unreasonable. If no one brought anything you’d be upset too. Say thank you. Next time don’t make a dessert, enough martyrs at Easter!

Yanbu. It's passive aggressive, manipulative and disrespectful. I can't believe anyone is saying yabu.

Next time accidentally drop her dessert on the way to the table 😉

It isn't about the dessert clearly. It's about her undermining you in your own home and everyone else being too scared or shitty to do anything about it. I was made to feel this way once by my dhs wider family, I never put up with it again. It's my house and they are welcome in it but be disrespectful and I'll escort you to the door myself and I really don't give too hoots who that is.

You need your dh on board for this to work but you need to shut her down everytime. It won't be easy especially if you're polite by nature and not a fan of rocking the boat. You have to keep at it though so she eventually learns she won't win (because she is competing with you in her head at least). At some point you might want to speak to your dh and reasses if a relationship in which one spouse doesn't stick up for the other is worth it.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Infact, looking at your posts I think MIL does this repeatedly to show that she is queen bee. You might be hosting, but she is in charge - and don't you forget it! 🙄

I'd stop hosting if I was you. She's done it more than once. She'll keep doing it. Stop hosting and let her host if she's got to be the one dictating to everyone.

As others have said, stop hosting…
or next time she brings a desert say ‘thank you very much, I’ve already done one so I’ll pop yours in the fridge for you to take home for tomorrow night! … then walk away and make sure it’s popped away and to only offer/serve your pudding!

YANBU it’s not about the dessert or the chicken and the veg it’s about the real lack of respect for you even when your hosting them in your own home and your DH just sitting there letting it carry on because they all want to spare her feelings but fuck yours because you don’t matter. I know how you feel OP it happens to me all the time with my own family always seems to be that someone else’s feelings matter more than mine.

I’m wondering.. have you ever said to MIL that you don’t want her to bring anything? You’ve known her for 26 years… have you ever told her that it offends you that she brings food when she knows you’ve been slaving in the kitchen? I’m thinking that at this point you’ve nothing to loose??
mid she takes it badly or ignores your request I honestly would tell your husband next time he invited them he’s cooking!

Tell the old bat to sling her hook.

I can understand you feeling a bit put out, especially after you had made such an effort. But it could be that she was just trying to contribute in some way. Perhaps you are doing too much and getting over tired. As someone else said, perhaps it would be better if your mother in law hosted for a while and then you can relax.

Or maybe there are other issues that are making you feel unwanted and disrespected?

If OP asked MIL to bring a dessert, and didn't make one herself, what's the betting that MIL "forgets" to bring hers?

Try this next time. Ask her to bring a dessert because you won't have time.

When if she "forgets" say - "Thank heavens I managed to throw something together after all" And bring out a croquenbouche . . .