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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU here, them, DH or me?

275 replies

DessertGate · 10/04/2023 06:56

Spent ages shopping, cleaning, preparing and cooking for Easter lunch yesterday for extended family. Spent ages making a really nice dessert.

MIL rocks up with a dessert, not even a nice one, and then everyone says they will have hers as they don't want to offend her. She seems upset that I have made one.

I tell DH that I am not happy. I used to make Sunday roasts and she would turn up with veg and a chicken and insist on having it on the table alongside whatever else we had made.

I just feel it is undermining, and no one has the bottle to go against her. I am sick of it. There were other things that happened, and collectively they make me feel like I'm someone they have to put up with and I feel disrespected in my own home.

DH thinks I am overreacting and IABU.

OP posts:
Badleg85 · 10/04/2023 07:00

Yanbu. Next time message before hand and say "please don't feel that you need to contribute a dessert or anything I've got a lovely sweet treat planned"

I'd be upset to I love cooking and baking. If she wanted to make the food she'd need to invite me to hers

FiveShelties · 10/04/2023 07:00

Let her host the next family lunch, sit back and enjoy the break. Sometimes you just need to pick your battles.

Sirzy · 10/04/2023 07:01

Next time either ask her not to bring anything or ask her to bring something specific.

some people don’t like turning up empty handed so communication in advance should help

GoodChat · 10/04/2023 07:02

I think her bringing dessert is a nice gesture. People could have had smaller portions of both.

DustyLee123 · 10/04/2023 07:02

I wouldn’t bother hosting.

GrumpyPanda · 10/04/2023 07:05

Message everybody beforehand and say dinner is all sorted out, and if anyone wants to bring something a good bottle of wine or some flowers would be appreciated. Make it the latter or choose if you think she'd bring some godawful plonk and insist on having it consumed then and there.

IsolatedWilderness · 10/04/2023 07:07

Assign her something to bring or ask her to bring drinks instead. If that didn't work out, I'd probably just not host and let someone else do it.

Original poster
DessertGate · 10/04/2023 07:08

People could have had smaller portions of both

But they didn't. Mine didn't get a look in. I was told there was no need to assemble it as there was a dessert already.

That said, I said no thanks to her desert and assembled my own for myself.

DH is in a mood with me now as he had a nice day and I am ruining it.

I feel massively disrespected in my own home, I am not hosting again, and the thing that I am struggling with the most is that everyone is very mindful of upsetting MIL, but no one clearly gives a shit if I am upset, and I am the one in the right.

OP posts:
newnamethanks · 10/04/2023 07:11

YABU.

Kitcaterpillar · 10/04/2023 07:13

Someone bringing dessert to dinner is hardly remarkable. I would say it's not really about the dessert...

rwalker · 10/04/2023 07:18

She’s obviously got form for this I would just let her crack on
if someone is trying to provoke a reaction nothing better than not giving them one

Original poster
DessertGate · 10/04/2023 07:18

I agree Kitcaterpillar. I just read this back and I thought, how pathetic to have your knickers in a twist over a dessert.

It's about feeling undermined and disrespected, and DH never sticking up for me or saying no to his mum. I've just got to the point where I am sick of this. It's been going on for years and years and I sick of it.

I can be in a room in my own house, surrounded by DH's family, and feel like an intruder and can feel that no one wants me there.

OP posts:
Bleakhouser · 10/04/2023 07:20

If I were you in the future when she is invited for dinner why not involve her by asking her to bring dessert?

it feels like this is about much more than a dessert though…

Felicity42 · 10/04/2023 07:20

It's hard to know what really goes on.
Do all your other in-laws eat MIL dessert because she'll huff like a child if they don't?
Who is at the dinner, is it just your DHs family?

Original poster
DessertGate · 10/04/2023 07:21

I just feel like the meal gets ruined.

A few years ago I made a moussaka with flatbreads and tzatziki on the side and we all had to have an extra portion of chicken.

OP posts:
Trendingtopic · 10/04/2023 07:21

I’m sorry op I cannot see how this is disrespectful or undermining, it’s dessert.

Can you give more examples of how they disrespect or undermine you. Bringing food isn’t one.

Trendingtopic · 10/04/2023 07:22

DessertGate · 10/04/2023 07:21

I just feel like the meal gets ruined.

A few years ago I made a moussaka with flatbreads and tzatziki on the side and we all had to have an extra portion of chicken.

So? How does having a bit of chicken ruin the meal?

as said, cam uou give other examples?

Original poster
DessertGate · 10/04/2023 07:23

Do all your other in-laws eat MIL dessert because she'll huff like a child if they don't?

Yes.

Again, it's OK if I am offended when I got up at 6am to cook for everyone and didn't stop till 8pm last night and no one ate what I baked, but it's not OK to say no to MiL.

OP posts:
RedRobyn2021 · 10/04/2023 07:23

It is disrespectful because you are hosting.

NumberTheory · 10/04/2023 07:24

Bringing desert is generally a nice gesture and one to incorporate graciousciously (even if you think the intent behind it is undermining rather than generous).

But guests who tell a host to just not bother with food they’ve planned and purchased are disrespectful and ungrateful. And the way to deal with that is to not ask them again.

Let your DH cook if he wants to ask his family round. You put your feet up and have whichever pudding you like the look of.

Trendingtopic · 10/04/2023 07:24

DessertGate · 10/04/2023 07:23

Do all your other in-laws eat MIL dessert because she'll huff like a child if they don't?

Yes.

Again, it's OK if I am offended when I got up at 6am to cook for everyone and didn't stop till 8pm last night and no one ate what I baked, but it's not OK to say no to MiL.

You cooked for 14 hours?

Original poster
DessertGate · 10/04/2023 07:26

Trending,

Things like, no one speaks to me. My favourite example is when MIL recently told me that she didn't know I had 2 siblings. I've only known her 25 years.

OP posts:
NumberTheory · 10/04/2023 07:26

Trendingtopic · 10/04/2023 07:24

You cooked for 14 hours?

Show quote history

Don’t be disengenuous. That’s obviously a reference to the whole day, not just the cooking. It’s one thing to disagree with the OP but nasty attempts to pick everything to pieces is just cuntish behaviour.

WindyWends · 10/04/2023 07:29

I completely understand, it's like your MIL is saying what you've prepared isn't good enough and then your DH isn't on your side. Which makes all the difference.

This actually happened with my MIL - invited for dinner and dessert, she knows I'm a keen cook yet still brought supermarket prepared stuff to go 'with it'. DH said 'what have you got this crap for? Windy has everything' and put it back in her car.

He knows she has form for being overbearing and thankfully has boundaries! He'd rather have a sulky mother than an upset wife.

Lottieoxo · 10/04/2023 07:31

This all seems like a very dramatic overreaction to me. It's normal for someone to bring something along as they want to contribute to the hard work you've put in. I think YABVU and dramatic in my opinion.