Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU here, them, DH or me?

275 replies

DessertGate · 10/04/2023 06:56

Spent ages shopping, cleaning, preparing and cooking for Easter lunch yesterday for extended family. Spent ages making a really nice dessert.

MIL rocks up with a dessert, not even a nice one, and then everyone says they will have hers as they don't want to offend her. She seems upset that I have made one.

I tell DH that I am not happy. I used to make Sunday roasts and she would turn up with veg and a chicken and insist on having it on the table alongside whatever else we had made.

I just feel it is undermining, and no one has the bottle to go against her. I am sick of it. There were other things that happened, and collectively they make me feel like I'm someone they have to put up with and I feel disrespected in my own home.

DH thinks I am overreacting and IABU.

OP posts:
Giletjaune · 10/04/2023 10:29

She knows she upsets you by doing it, but that’s the whole point!

ApocalypseNowt · 10/04/2023 10:33

I want to know what both the desserts were. I like desserts.

bumhug · 10/04/2023 10:37

Spin it on its head and consider it a fun challenge.

How much additional food can you get her to bring. Treat it as a game. How many additional meals can you get out of her offerings?

Taking the anger out of it gives you back AAALLLThe power! 😁

JocelynBurnell · 10/04/2023 10:41

I can be in a room in my own house, surrounded by DH's family, and feel like an intruder and can feel that no one wants me there

Again, it's OK if I am offended when I got up at 6am to cook for everyone and didn't stop till 8pm last night and no one ate what I baked, but it's not OK to say no to MiL.

Why on earth would you get up at 6am and cook for 14 hours for your DH's family when they make you feel like an intruder and don't seem want you there?

There is clearly a problem here.

Goldbar · 10/04/2023 10:42

Notjustabrunette · 10/04/2023 09:50

i would just stop hosting for these people. If you want to host, invite people you actually like round where your efforts will be appreciated. It sounds like you’ve done it enough times now to know what the out come will be.
my example would be, when we stay over at the PIL, there is always some kind of incident. We don’t stay there anymore and book a hotel instead. They are slightly put out, but it’s better all around.

I agree with this.

Good suggestion above to let your husband cook for the lot of them and go out for the day.

I'd be arranging to meet up with a friend for Easter next year.

Natty13 · 10/04/2023 10:45

DessertGate · 10/04/2023 07:26

Trending,

Things like, no one speaks to me. My favourite example is when MIL recently told me that she didn't know I had 2 siblings. I've only known her 25 years.

Why are you making an effort with someone like this? Save your hosting skills for people who actually like you and treat you well.

If your husband wants them round tell him he can prep, cook and clean because you're done. The moussaka/chicken evening would have finished me. Why you offered to do Easter after that I do not know.

billy1966 · 10/04/2023 10:49

OP,

You have a horrible husband with a horrible mother.

Unfortunately you have tolerated both for too long.

I bet this issue isn't in isolation, yet you continue to host.

Whilst you except being treated badly, your life will continue on the same.

Whilst you continue to host them all, things will remain the same.

Look at your own part in this.

Why do you accept such treatment?

Perhaps call Womens aid for a chat.

SkiingIsHeaven · 10/04/2023 10:51

Maybe she doesn't like what you are cooking. The older generation in my family only liked traditional English meat and two veg meals.

Save your time and effort to cook for friends who appreciate a more varied palate.

Riverlee · 10/04/2023 10:59

Not read the whole thread, but replying to the original post.

its a nice gesture bringing a dessert. However, the fact that yours was rejected meant that everyone was putting mil on a pedestal and appeasing her.

Also, if not requested, I think someone bringing food is slightly passive aggressive. Ie. My food is better than yours. Most people bring wine, flowers, chocolate and will only bring a dessert if requested.

JennyBee23 · 10/04/2023 11:00

@Trendingtopic who the fuck brings a chicken to a dinner party uninvited? That's just off the planet weird.

JupiterFortified · 10/04/2023 11:04

I just wouldn’t host her again, she sounds utterly obnoxious. Let your husband cook for them next time.

5foot5 · 10/04/2023 11:06

@ShowUs
How does an extra dessert ruin an entire meal?
Please explain as it obviously doesn’t.
You are the the first and only person to suggest it ruined the entire meal. But if you read the OP correctly you would see the impact was that everyone at the meal feels they have to eat the Mils offering instead of OP because they are more worried about offending MIL.

You say you wouldn’t turn up empty handed yet think MIL is awful for bringing something that has absolutely no impact on the meal.
I wouldn't turn up empty handed but I wouldn't take food without checking with the host first. As it happens I quite often take a dessert or a salad to a barbecue but never without prior arrangement.

Why would a dessert ruin the entire meal but a bottle of wine wouldn’t?
Again with the "entire meal", nobody else has said that. But seriously can you not see the difference between a bottle of wine and a dessert? I am sure you can really.

Surely OP got the drinks too and would have been just as upset if MIL bought wine and they all drank hers instead of OPs.
No because* *any left over wine won't waste. If there are two the same it won't waste. It's not like OP trod the grapes and made the wine herself, so no comparison between spurning a nice hone made pudding for a bought gateaux say.

MistyMountainTop · 10/04/2023 11:11

@ShowUs
I can’t figure out what dessert needs to be assembled

A pavlova?

strawberryandcreams · 10/04/2023 11:13

I bought dessert to a friends this week. I feel awful now. Should I have not. We all ate both. The intent wasn't malicious 🙈

category12 · 10/04/2023 11:16

strawberryandcreams · 10/04/2023 11:13

I bought dessert to a friends this week. I feel awful now. Should I have not. We all ate both. The intent wasn't malicious 🙈

Don't be silly, there's clearly another dynamic going on here for the OP.

Daniki · 10/04/2023 11:17

She sounds like an arse. If she feels the need to bring a chicken and veg when you make a Sunday roast then she's doing it on purpose and not being "helpful"

LemonPledge555 · 10/04/2023 11:21

I think dessert as a single event is less of a bother - although you being the only one who had what you (as host) had made is a bit off.

but alongside bringing chicken and veg when you’ve made a dinner in the past, and having form for dominating you in your own home? All together, YANBU

DHsPoorBack · 10/04/2023 11:21

NetZeroZealot · 10/04/2023 09:14

Would you also welcome an extra joint of completely different meat?

Show quote history

The even more astonishing part is that if OP does a roast, MIL doesn't just turn up with a roast chicken...in case that wasn't twatty enough she brings the side dishes of vegetables too!!!

Lol at the people on this thread acting as if it's anyway normal to be hosted for a roast dinner, then turn up with your own roast dinner and serve that up.

Merida46 · 10/04/2023 11:34

Next time, make a big meal but let her think you aren't making any food then she will bring nothing in order to show you up.

HappyMe6 · 10/04/2023 11:39

I think it’s disrespectful you are the host! But…… if it was flowers or drink that’s completely different.

ShowUs · 10/04/2023 11:40

JocelynBurnell · 10/04/2023 10:41

I can be in a room in my own house, surrounded by DH's family, and feel like an intruder and can feel that no one wants me there

Again, it's OK if I am offended when I got up at 6am to cook for everyone and didn't stop till 8pm last night and no one ate what I baked, but it's not OK to say no to MiL.

Why on earth would you get up at 6am and cook for 14 hours for your DH's family when they make you feel like an intruder and don't seem want you there?

There is clearly a problem here.

I completely agree.

Hellybelly84 · 10/04/2023 11:41

Just dont offer to host - do your own thing without them. If they ask in the future, say you have other plans for Easter.

Ktime · 10/04/2023 11:42

I feel massively disrespected in my own home, I am not hosting again

YANBU, and I’m glad you’ve had enough and won’t host again. Don’t be guilt tripped into it. If someone asks just say as MIL is so keen to cook it’s best she does it.

Who suggested you host Easter Sunday lunch?

MrsClatterbuck · 10/04/2023 11:43

JennyBee23 · 10/04/2023 11:00

@Trendingtopic who the fuck brings a chicken to a dinner party uninvited? That's just off the planet weird.

Totally this. If I'm having moussaka no way do I want roast chicken with it. A very passive aggressive thing to do. I wouldn't be hosting them again ever. In fact would go lc with them and let your dh do all dealings with them in future.

ShowUs · 10/04/2023 11:44

strawberryandcreams · 10/04/2023 11:13

I bought dessert to a friends this week. I feel awful now. Should I have not. We all ate both. The intent wasn't malicious 🙈

I would think it was kind of you and I do this too.

The majority on here would disagree though and you would be called all sorts.

I think it says more about other people though if they see bringing a dessert to a meal as something negative.

I think turning up with no contribution is way ruder.