Who is BU here, them, DH or me?

[DessertGate]

Spent ages shopping, cleaning, preparing and cooking for Easter lunch yesterday for extended family. Spent ages making a really nice dessert.

MIL rocks up with a dessert, not even a nice one, and then everyone says they will have hers as they don't want to offend her. She seems upset that I have made one.

I tell DH that I am not happy. I used to make Sunday roasts and she would turn up with veg and a chicken and insist on having it on the table alongside whatever else we had made.

I just feel it is undermining, and no one has the bottle to go against her. I am sick of it. There were other things that happened, and collectively they make me feel like I'm someone they have to put up with and I feel disrespected in my own home.

DH thinks I am overreacting and IABU.

This would does drive me mad.

I love cooking, my BIL REALLY loves cooking. My batty old trout um, delightful MIL doesn't like to cook, so she buys cheap pre-made quiches for every occasion.

A slice pressed on you can somehow ruin a whole meal. And I've seen my BIL go white at the lips as his lovingly prepared roast gets served up with a slice of damp tomato and salmon egg custard.

The Mirror have picked up this @DessertGate , just to let you know.

I'd have your lemon cake any day op, sounds lovely, much better than a soggy old flan! 😄

If it makes you feel any better, I’d have had the lemon meringue cake, it really is splendid and I nearly made it for Easter lunch myself.

(You could totally whip the cream and assemble in advance though. Then just let people eat both.)

I would have eaten yours op. Hopefully they realise how stupid they were that now you hopefully don’t go to the effort.

Just stop hosting.

Getting up at the crack of dawn, peeling spuds, running around??? Mil acting like a spoilt child to boot?! Bringing her stupid chicken and other dessert? Fuck that

Stop being a martyr and let someone else host

People obviously don't appreciate you!!

I'm torn on this... I feel its rude to turn up empty handed and if I was going somewhere for dinner I would sometimes bring dessert as a contribution and also as a thank you for the effort the host put into the dinner. That being said, dessert is easy to serve with whatever is on offer. I wouldn't turn up with anything that might mess with the main. But it's odd for her to be annoyed that you'd made a dessert yourself. I think next time you do it just tell her to bring herself or if she wants to bring something like a dessert then let her and save yourself the bother. How does she normally serve when she hosts? I'm just thinking my mil would often serve lots of little things and let people pick what they want buffet style (which I've adopted for things like boxing day etc because it gets leftovers used up) so bringing what she has would suit that serving style perfectly?

25 years…. Let this be a wake up call: the last time you ever host his family. If he says they are coming over you say why doesn’t everyone go to mils so she can host. If he says no our house is better you say fine, but I won’t be cooking anything so it’s up to you. And Do Nothing. Get up and go out for the morning. Come home either when people are arriving or in time to get dressed for people to arrive. Just take this load off for your life. If you really like cooking, cook something nice the day before or after, and enjoy serving it without mils extra. You can do this.

Sometimes the solution to emotional situations is actually really practical.

DH isn’t concerned by his mothers behaviour because it isn’t him doing the work of cooking everything. MIL likes bringing random bits of food to your house. You’re upset because you’ve put lots of effort in and they’ve been disrespectful.

Practical solution is that today is the last time you put that sort of effort in for your in-laws. Save lovely recipes and day long cooking for your family and your friends.

Going forward either DH cooks, or you do a pot luck supper where everyone brings something with them. Go out for the morning of the day they’re coming to do something that you really enjoy, breeze in half an hour before and open some wine and crisps. Give no fucks about the state of the house or the food on offer. Praise all of their cooking nicely even if the end result is shit. Don’t let DH talk you into changing this stance!

DH is in a mood with me now as he had a nice day and I am ruining it.

How does you eating the pudding you made ruin things?

Hopefully it's not because he told you not to assemble it & you still did!

Obviously it's easier to upset you than MIL which is really nasty.

I couldn't respect him.

OP, I get it. I’d be pissed off too. Your dessert sounds a million times better. Do you have to invite your mother in law?
Side note -I’ve just googled nigellas lemon meringue cake and I think I’m going to make one today 😋

Would give me the right hump. I plan everything and want my stuff eaten.

I read all these posts about Mils & I hope to god I don’t turn into anyone of these women; yours sounds like a right bitch, I feel for you; sorry but next time you host a meal don’t invite the old hag; you might all find you actually have a laugh & enjoy yourselves as for Dh tell him to man up & grow a pair he isn’t six anymore his old dear needs to know your number one now & in your home it’s your food not hers in future she can bring a bottle of wine ……ONLY no food if she doesn’t like it she can stay at home!!!

Don’t bother hosting no more I’m disappointed you Dh isn’t supportive towards you and allows it she is petty and I would be pissed too

OMG my mother does this all the time. She turned up on Christmas Day with a tray of re-heated Aunt Bessie’s roasties and a rotisserie chicken she’d had in the freezer. She said she didn’t think there would be any roast potatoes even though I’ve made them every Christmas for the last 30 odd years. She bakes all the time and is quite capable of hosting if she wanted to. Last time I mentioned it she flounced home in a huff, so now I just serve whatever she brings 🤷🏼‍♀️🤣

Op I might be wrong but I wouldn’t be feeling disrespected in my own home and i just wouldn’t have people round that make you feel like they just put with you fuck that life is to short they just wouldn’t be invited

I'd be really cross too - I've made that cake a couple of times and it's not difficult but it is really faffy because of all the different stages you need to go through to make it. Especially if you made the lemon curd from scratch as well

For future reference you can actually whip the cream and stick it all together a couple of hours ahead of eating it and it's fine.

I honestly would have insisted on putting it together and having it on the table - people would not have been able to resist.

OP it's clear that this isn't about the dessert, but seems to be the straw that broke the camels back. However, to your DH "it's just a dessert". He probably doesn't recognise that it's more than that and some people (men) need it spelled out for them.

Sit down together and talk to him sincerely about how you feel. One of the best pieces of advice I was given was that it's not always about someone's intention, it's about the other person's perception. So DH could tell you that it wasn't MIL intention to undermine you (whether or not you feel that's true), but the point is that is how it makes you feel. Tell him you feel undermined by XYZ and no this is not about the dessert.

This could be the opportunity for a really enlightening discussion with DH.

Don't get offended. Not worth the stress. Find out what she wants to bring beforehand and cook the other bits?

Or stop hosting and let other people invite you round. (That wud be my preferred option). Tell DH that next year you want to have a rest.

Then have different people round for dinner who would appreciate all the wonderful food u make.

Some in laws are tricky...it's annoying but it's life. Just play it smart.

Normally I would say that bringing an extra dessert is no big deal, since people could just take a bit of both or have one or the other. But the fact that hers was the only one chosen and that she has done this before with main courses tells me she is doing it on purpose.
And your DH and the other guests letting her get away with it is part of the abuse process. There is absolutely no reason in a regular situation that everyone should be so afraid of one person's outburst that they will only eat their food.
At the very least your DH should have had a bit of both. He is your DH. Not hers. And if that causes a fit, he should stand up to her. He doesn't even have to be mean, he should be calm. "I don't know what you are upset about, mother. I ate the food you brought."

Mumsneters are strange tonight.

Op I get it. If MIL wanted genuinely to help she’d ask you what you were making and offer sth to compliment. She obv needs to be needed to the point of hysteria. WTF chicken with moussaka! if she was warm and friendly with you you’d probably forgive more easily.
You really need to sit your husband down and make clear you’re his team. Don’t be mean about his mum but be explicit about what you need.

I’ve been picturing Marie throughout this thread!!

My friend has come to ‘help’ when I’m serving a meal I’ve slaved over and brings the main from the kitchen with a flourish saying something like ‘the secret is fresh lemon juice’ implying it’s her cooking. I then trudge through with side dishes and wonder why everyone is thanking her for the dinner! She is famous for her food so maybe your MIL is similarly competitive ? You are encroaching on her ‘thing’ of feeding everyone and being praised. I feel you fury - I’m sure your guests could see the dynamic too!

Unfortunately I don't see MIL as doing this to be nice... She seems to be deliberately doubling up on provisions in order to coerce family members to choose hers and reject OP's. It's a one-upmanship thing, manipulative and unkind.
I'd try some of the suggestions 1 ask in advance what she plans to bring, incorporate into meal plan. If she let's you down, tough luck for the family members who've put up with her CFery all this time and not backed you up
2 if after this one last chance she still goes out of her way to derail your efforts, it is indeed all down to DH. Good luck to him - hope he feels the full frustration of his DM's interference.

I think it's about her rather than you. She brought dessert because she wanted to feel needed and so people would appreciate her. She. may have thought would be a kind gesture and a contribution to the meal. I think better communication needed. If she likes to contribute ask her to bring a significant thing next time.