Who is BU here, them, DH or me?

[DessertGate]

Spent ages shopping, cleaning, preparing and cooking for Easter lunch yesterday for extended family. Spent ages making a really nice dessert.

MIL rocks up with a dessert, not even a nice one, and then everyone says they will have hers as they don't want to offend her. She seems upset that I have made one.

I tell DH that I am not happy. I used to make Sunday roasts and she would turn up with veg and a chicken and insist on having it on the table alongside whatever else we had made.

I just feel it is undermining, and no one has the bottle to go against her. I am sick of it. There were other things that happened, and collectively they make me feel like I'm someone they have to put up with and I feel disrespected in my own home.

DH thinks I am overreacting and IABU.

Its being going on for years you said..., why do you keep hosting?
Just dont host and if you want to be extra petty, whoever hosts next- bring a chicken or dessert to the table.

Don’t host again. Let mil do the hosting. She has ruined it with her overbearing attitude and DH should tell her straight this is not ok. If he doesn’t, don’t host any more

Bringing extra pudding is always welcome in my house , I don't get this. I thought it was kind of her

I made a pudding to take to Easter lunch with my family yesterday.

The difference was, I offered in advance, in order to reduce the workload on the busy host, so it was expected and enjoyed by everyone.

Unless you are having a pot luck dinner where everyone pitches in, it is very odd to bring a whole course without discussing it in advance.

Would you also welcome an extra joint of completely different meat?

I’d just put both on the table and if annoyed I’d start ’plating up’ a small portion of each for everyone and handing it round.

Definitely OK to have two desserts on a special occasion but what you’ve prepared should be served.

I always bring dishes to a meal and I feel rude for not doing so.
@ShowUs
What without even asking* *or checking with host first? Unless all the meals you go to are specifically themed as pot lucks or bring and share picnics does that never get a bit awkward?

Wouldn't you feel silly to turn up with a chicken when the meal was all Greek dishes?

It’s sounds like you’re longing for a specific outcome. One where you enjoy playing host for this extended family who appreciate your effort and who overtly see this woman for who she is and collectively don’t allow her to pull everyone’s strings. Maybe even one where you have a warm, mutually respectful relationship with your MIL.

But you need to accept that outcome is never going to happen. It’s NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. Because you can’t control other people’s behaviour (even if we can all see they are probably BU).

The best outcome you can hope for is harmonious social occasions with your in laws where you don’t end up feeling disrespected, undermined and unloved.

And the only way to do that is by managing your own reactions and expectations and ending your contribution to the repetitive cycle. Stop getting up at the crack of dawn to prepare food. Stop bending over backwards to ensure everyone else’s comfort. You don’t need to go the other way and ruin things, and you obviously take pleasure in hosting, but just dial it down for these people and as a PP said focus your efforts on your own side of the family and your good friends. They are BU but think about what you ultimately want to achieve here and the optimal way of going about it for your own well-being.

No never.

I will bring a general dish like a dessert and if I have no idea what to bring then I bring some drink.

I would feel bad for turning up to a meal that someone else had paid for, spent hours making and will spend ages washing it all up whilst I just turn up, eat and then go home.

If someone invited you to a BBQ or something would you literally turn up empty handed?

If you turned up to mine with extra dishes after I'd spent the whole day making a lovely Greek themed menu I'd be fuming, plus yelling at DH to sort his batshit relative out.

Unless it's with the direct agreement of the host, it's rude.

I can just about understand bringing an extra dessert to a family meal, but would expect it to be eaten alongside the host’s dessert. But would normally expect a bottle of wine or chocolates if someone was bringing something. But I certainly wouldn’t expect someone to bring another main course, unless it had previously been discussed or it was a sharing meal. Otherwise that is just rude

If someone invited you to a BBQ or something would you literally turn up empty handed?

I'd ask the host was this an 'everyone brings a dish BBQ' or not. Hosts tend to be one or the other, people who have planned out their BBQ don't tend to appreciate the random arrival of a pasta salad.

It takes two to make a power struggle. I can see that MIL is a tricky character, but honestly, just stop investing so much of yourself in creating these beautiful family meals, and waiting in vain for people to appreciate them.

You want people to eat your food and not MIL’s; she wants people to eat her food and not yours. You say it’s not about the food - but what if you just let it be about the food? And not some symbolic pitched battle for family allegiance?

You don’t get along with your MIL. 🤷‍♀️ It happens. You need to find your own ways to make this easier for yourself, rather than expecting your MIL to change, or expecting your DH to tell his mother off like a naughty child for bringing extra food or not being interested enough in you.

I know it’s hard - but it is in your power to make this easier for yourself, if you can let go of some of your own need for control.

Yanbu. Its not really about the dessert its just a symptom in what sounds like a long line of incidents to undermine you. Perhaps next time ask her what she is bringing and do the minimum around what she is preparing. Ie if she is bringing a chicken and veg just do some roasties - make her feel she is doing the work then she might stop!!

I get you OP. I take flowers, wine or chocolates to a meal at someone's house as none of the above interfere with their plans.

It's controlling to bring food, unless asked to do so.

Is culture important here?
Why will DH not sympathise with you? His Mother is always right?

I would let DH host his family going forward, and then you can cook for people who appreciate it

I wouldn't host them again.

If MiL wants to, she can host, or you can host your friends and family. But if MiL can't accept your hospitality then chuck it in.

Absolutely agree. Maybe you don't cook for 14 hours but I can see why OP would have been doing something to do with the dinner for that length of time. I've made a lot of good spreads in my time.

It's rude to bring food unless specifically asked. MIL obviously doesn't know any better. She sounds like a pain in the arse and I bet you're not the only one in the family to think so.
Seems where you went wrong was not having your dessert assembled ready and on the table/side. Then hers could've simply been plonked down next to it leaving people to choose or have a bit of both. What were they?
Whatever don't let the old bag know how upset you were. Don't give her the power.

I completely see your point OP. It’s not about the dessert. It’s the behaviour around the dessert. Everyone walking on eggshells around her so that they don’t offend or upset her, with clearly not a care in the world for upsetting or offending you. There is a double standard there. There is a theory that in families, the one who everyone has to work around and manage and defer to and make excuses for is the most toxic one. The grey area here is the lack of communication about who is doing what. If in future you say that you’re doing everything and to bring wine or whatever, there can be no excuse if she turns up with another roast. Which is totally bizarre by the way, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. And yes, your DH is minimising and dismissing your feelings so as not to upset his mum. He’s prioritising his mum over you, I think it says a lot about how he was brought up that he feels responsible for managing his mum’s emotions! For anyone saying you’re overreacting, clearly they’ve never dealt with someone like your MIL. Hope you feel validated 😊

If you were yelling and losing your shit over someone bringing an extra dessert or a bottle of wine, then it would be pretty obvious to everyone that you are the batshit one.

It wouldn’t affect the meal in any negative way if someone brought something extra along.

If this was the first time then it would be understandable that you were upset. But you say this has been going on for 25 years. And yet you’re still persisting? Why?

I hate to say this, but the fact that people actually told you not to bother with your dessert as they wanted to eat MIL’s instead, is it possible that you’re actually not a very good cook and people just don’t like what you’ve prepared hence why MIL brings food to your house?

Does she do it to anyone else?

when everyone said they were having MILs did you not speak up and say ‘I’ve spent the day cooking and preparing this for you all’ and point out the behaviour?
(I don’t understand why it’s not called out at the time?)

also this isn’t about the foot anyways, next time just don’t make anything and see what she brings!

How would a pasta salad ruin a BBQ?

If it doesn’t get fully eaten then it can just go in the fridge.