Who is BU here, them, DH or me?

[DessertGate]

Spent ages shopping, cleaning, preparing and cooking for Easter lunch yesterday for extended family. Spent ages making a really nice dessert.

MIL rocks up with a dessert, not even a nice one, and then everyone says they will have hers as they don't want to offend her. She seems upset that I have made one.

I tell DH that I am not happy. I used to make Sunday roasts and she would turn up with veg and a chicken and insist on having it on the table alongside whatever else we had made.

I just feel it is undermining, and no one has the bottle to go against her. I am sick of it. There were other things that happened, and collectively they make me feel like I'm someone they have to put up with and I feel disrespected in my own home.

DH thinks I am overreacting and IABU.

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest. As PP has said - pick your battles.

If this happens every time you cook and invite them over and it makes you feel disrespected in your home.

Stop hosting. You are repeating the same behaviour over and over (hosting) then getting pissed off that people don’t change their behaviour (not challenging her).

You can’t force people to challenge her. But you can change your own behaviour.

I can’t believe this has been happening for years, you hate it and you are still doing it.

How often does she host? It sounds like she’s hell bent on still playing the matriarch without the shit work of cleaning and actually cooking, which she’s obviously happy to have you doing. Rude.

You’re right to stop saying you’ll do it. She can have them all to hers or DH can step up, as he should always have done as it’s his side and they’re not appreciative of your efforts.

Sorry you’re feeling upset, it sounds disappointing.

I disagree, I think if you bring a dessert (it's fine to bring one, though I'd have asked first) but dessert has been lovingly made by the host already, then any normal person would insist on the host keeping the dessert they bought for another time, and eating the host's dessert.

It's so rude that MIL made everyone feel they should eat what she brought with her, I'd be really offended. The DH should have stepped in to back OP up.

If MIL wanted to contribute then a bottle of wine, chocolates, flowers, anything like that would be normal!

My MIL rocked up to my daughters first birthday with cakes for everyone and as I was bringing the cake out she was rushing to hand them round, so my cake was left untouched 😂 I feel for you, because I guarantee its not just this

In similar situation I've been known to say something like "Ooh how kind of you, I'll put it in the freezer as a treat for another day as we've got desert already" or "thanks for the chicken, that's tomorrow's lunch sorted, how lovely".

You could ask her what shes bringing, then say. "OK that'll will save me the bother, I'm fed up of wasting my time, if its anything else it will stay in the car."

It sounds to me like there's attitude issues here with OP and MIL. So this is probably what it has come to. I wouldn't give a flying fuck if someone brought dessert, I'd put both out and let people take what they wanted. And I wouldn't be in the slightest bit offended if mine was left behind.

I think you are being very childish. She has tried to be nice in bringing a dessert.

It is bad manners to bring anything but a good bottle of wine to a meal (unless specifically stated byvthe host)
Unless you stop facilitating her passive-aggressive behaviour, she will continue in this vein, aided and abetted by your DHs family.
Next time she does it, say 'thank you. You know fine well i have catered this lunch fully, but you insist on undermining me, so you can host the sodding thing. I am off'
Go havexa nice meal and several large gins!

Whilst it’s often thought of nice to bring a dessert to lunch/dinner, that’s only the case if you say in advance that you will do the host doesn’t have to organise one.

Not nice for her to bring other stuff for the meal (again without it being a prearranged plan). In future she can host if she thinks her food is superior.

You sound like my perfect DIL cooking all those lovely dishes for your family. I would never offend you by bringing anything apart from wine.

I get you OP. If she was really doing it ti be nice, shed contact you in advance saying “do you need me to bring anything?” but she didn’t - she made a song & dance about making sure ppl had her dessert rather than yours. I assume had ppl had your dessert rather than hers she’d have sighed & sulked passively aggressively

the thing is like with some many things to do with MIL, what you have really is a DH problem. As she has form for this, he either needs to tell her not to bring anything, tell her to bring eg wine or flowers or if she dies show up with food, whisk it away into the fridge saying how nice thar you now have dessert for tomorrow

instead he’s not dealing with her behaviour and crudely you feel that if it’s a choice between upsetting you or her, he’ll upset you. Not great.

Next time invite them but on the day get your dh to cook the meal.
Just leave him to it and go for a coffee.
Or
whisk the offending contribution away with how lovely I’ll pop this in the freezer and we’ll eat it next week. Do it breezily and quickly before they can blink.

How this is disrespectful or undermining, if she got something to your party? it’s just dessert. I dont understand how eating a bit of chicken along with our moussaka etc has ruined your life?

This feels like a non problem and really odd to get worked up about. My mum in law always arrives laden with food, lots not to my taste... Its not an insult. Would say you clearly have an issue personally with her rather than the problem of 'everyone having to have an extra portion of chicken ' or not eating your pudding 🙃

I feel massively disrespected in my own home, I am not hosting again, and the thing that I am struggling with the most is that everyone is very mindful of upsetting MIL, but no one clearly gives a shit if I am upset.

This is the crux of the matter. This clearly wasn't a one-off, or her "trying to be nice" - she's known you for 25 years and always pulls this stunt.

You're doing the right thing - let her host if she thinks her food is so wonderful.

Why are you getting up at 6am to host people who make you feel like this?

Just stop it. You can't change their behaviour but you can change yours.

I just tell people to bring a bottle or,if it is family, a plate of nibbles for before we eat or fruit for after. I wouldn’t care what people brought though, personally.

I hear you OP. It's not really about the food.
Your MIL is rude. These aren't generous gestures they're passive aggressive control techniques.
If she genuinely wanted to be helpful she would ask you if you wanted her to bring something or she'd bring something ancillary to the meal like chocolate, wine or flowers.
However, you can choose not to rise to it or spend your time making food only to be undermined.
Next time (if there is one) ask your husband to speak to his Mum and suggest she brings dessert. That way she's making the plan with him and it's not a way she can belittle you and it will mean less work.

It's a bit irritating but not worth getting worked up/falling out over.

What we're the two desserts? I feel that is important information

It's dessert, i do wonder how people manage when there is long drawn put soap opera back stories behind simple things.

Do the people that come up with this 'she is doing it because she sits at home coming up with ways just to upset you' act like this themselves towards others?

If you don't want to cook for them dont

Because the host is taking care of all the food. So if you are invited, you ask, otherwise you turn up with a gift for the host. In this case, the MIL is bringing food so she is in the spotlight and takes some of the credit. The OP has made desert for however many people, nothing else was needed. The MIL is anything from rude to passive aggressive.
OP stop hosting for these people. If your DH wants them over, he hosts. You go out.

Thank you. Well said. It’s endemic on MN at the moment and it’s fucking horrible.

Yanbu. It is undermining. Did you discuss contributions beforehand? Next time give her a dedicated course if she's so desperate to bring something

Is not ok to bring your own meat and vegetables to a roast meal with someone else hosting and expect the others to all have some - is it a competition?!

Sounds like everyone is too scared of hurting her feelings so they don't say anything, which is really lame of them tbh.