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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU here, them, DH or me?

275 replies

DessertGate · 10/04/2023 06:56

Spent ages shopping, cleaning, preparing and cooking for Easter lunch yesterday for extended family. Spent ages making a really nice dessert.

MIL rocks up with a dessert, not even a nice one, and then everyone says they will have hers as they don't want to offend her. She seems upset that I have made one.

I tell DH that I am not happy. I used to make Sunday roasts and she would turn up with veg and a chicken and insist on having it on the table alongside whatever else we had made.

I just feel it is undermining, and no one has the bottle to go against her. I am sick of it. There were other things that happened, and collectively they make me feel like I'm someone they have to put up with and I feel disrespected in my own home.

DH thinks I am overreacting and IABU.

OP posts:
DHsPoorBack · 10/04/2023 11:45

ShowUs · 10/04/2023 11:44

I would think it was kind of you and I do this too.

The majority on here would disagree though and you would be called all sorts.

I think it says more about other people though if they see bringing a dessert to a meal as something negative.

I think turning up with no contribution is way ruder.

Show quote history

Watches actual issue fly spectacularly over some people's heads...

Bigjohnandthekids · 10/04/2023 11:46

Next time she tries to derail your evening put your foot down! She can host herself if she’s so unhappy with your food choices! Maybe next time try asking her first if she’s planning on bringing anything as to not double up on deserts etc (kill em with kindness route) and then if she turns up dish in hand anyway put your foot down!

ViviPru · 10/04/2023 11:50

I’m now just hanging around for the dual desert reveal. Don’t leave us hanging OP.

Cherrysoup · 10/04/2023 11:52

Never host them again.

Tell DH to go to hers.

Thelnebriati · 10/04/2023 11:55

@DessertGate I know this will sound harsh but you can't control your MIL, you can only change the way you react to her, and ask for a basic level of respect from your own family.

She's decided that relationships are about 'winning' and to get what she wants, acts passive aggressive. People walk on eggshells around her and worry about offending her. She isn't 'winning'.

Ktime · 10/04/2023 11:57

bamboonights · 10/04/2023 07:33

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest. As PP has said - pick your battles.

You wouldn’t be bothered by experiencing the below in the slightest? I don’t believe you. It would just be too doormatty to be fine with this.

It's about feeling undermined and disrespected, and DH never sticking up for me or saying no to his mum. I've just got to the point where I am sick of this. It's been going on for years and years and I sick of it.

I can be in a room in my own house, surrounded by DH's family, and feel like an intruder and can feel that no one wants me there.

Ktime · 10/04/2023 11:58

Bigjohnandthekids · 10/04/2023 11:46

Next time she tries to derail your evening put your foot down! She can host herself if she’s so unhappy with your food choices! Maybe next time try asking her first if she’s planning on bringing anything as to not double up on deserts etc (kill em with kindness route) and then if she turns up dish in hand anyway put your foot down!

OP has already said she’s never hosting again (thankfully).

Bigjohnandthekids · 10/04/2023 12:00

Ktime · 10/04/2023 11:58

OP has already said she’s never hosting again (thankfully).

Show quote history

Shame the lack of etiquette from the mil has ruined things for OP 😡

toomuchlaundry · 10/04/2023 12:08

@ShowUs what level of rudeness is it if someone bring a whole roast dinner when their host has already cooked one?

MeridianB · 10/04/2023 12:11

I get it - it’s the bigger picture and past history adding up to something much bigger than the dessert.

Clearly you can’t rely on your H or his family to show you any consideration, so your decision to do no more hosting is bang on. And if your H dares to whine about that, he can feel free to do all the cleaning and prep and cooking and serving, alongside his mother’s alternatives.

ShowUs · 10/04/2023 12:14

Ktime · 10/04/2023 11:57

You wouldn’t be bothered by experiencing the below in the slightest? I don’t believe you. It would just be too doormatty to be fine with this.

It's about feeling undermined and disrespected, and DH never sticking up for me or saying no to his mum. I've just got to the point where I am sick of this. It's been going on for years and years and I sick of it.

I can be in a room in my own house, surrounded by DH's family, and feel like an intruder and can feel that no one wants me there.

Show quote history

If that was the case then why keep doing it?

Why not make DH do it?

Or telling DH to go to his mums for dinner and having your mum over instead?

WisherWood · 10/04/2023 12:15

ShowUs · 10/04/2023 11:44

I would think it was kind of you and I do this too.

The majority on here would disagree though and you would be called all sorts.

I think it says more about other people though if they see bringing a dessert to a meal as something negative.

I think turning up with no contribution is way ruder.

Show quote history

Oh for the love of god. It's not about turning up with a dessert. It's about expecting people to eat your dessert, not their own, and then sulking if you don't get your own way. And this against a background of turning up with a roast chicken and the vegetable side dishes when invited to a roast dinner. It's manipulative and insidious behaviour.

Turn up with extra pudding if you like. I doubt anyone would care, let alone call you names. They might well be grateful. Just don't turn up with it and then sulk unless it gets eaten.

Better still, phone up and say 'thanks for the dinner invite. Is there anything I can bring to help out? Wine? Chocolate?' That's what I do. And if the host doesn't like wine or chocolate, they're easy things to pass on to somebody who does like them.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/04/2023 12:19

Spent ages shopping, cleaning, preparing and cooking for Easter lunch yesterday for extended family. Spent ages making a really nice dessert.

What was DH doing while you were running around for everyone else? And yet, he's the one in a mood?

vdbfamily · 10/04/2023 12:20

It is actually great when you are entertaining to have someone offer pudding. Next time, ask what she is bringing and leave her to it, or have a choice and any leftover is for next day, win win.
It should not be a competition so don't make it into one

Ktime · 10/04/2023 12:22

vdbfamily · 10/04/2023 12:20

It is actually great when you are entertaining to have someone offer pudding. Next time, ask what she is bringing and leave her to it, or have a choice and any leftover is for next day, win win.
It should not be a competition so don't make it into one

RTFT. OP has decided not to host again (thankfully).

Did you read OP’s post? And yet you say she is making it a competition?

It's about feeling undermined and disrespected, and DH never sticking up for me or saying no to his mum. I've just got to the point where I am sick of this. It's been going on for years and years and I sick of it.

I can be in a room in my own house, surrounded by DH's family, and feel like an intruder and can feel that no one wants me there.

MsRosley · 10/04/2023 12:31

Dear MIL, Please don't bring extra food when I am hosting. I know you mean well, but it makes it really difficult to plan what I'm making my end. A bottle of wine or some chocolates is more than enough! Many thanks, DessertGate

vdbfamily · 10/04/2023 12:35

Ktime · 10/04/2023 12:22

RTFT. OP has decided not to host again (thankfully).

Did you read OP’s post? And yet you say she is making it a competition?

It's about feeling undermined and disrespected, and DH never sticking up for me or saying no to his mum. I've just got to the point where I am sick of this. It's been going on for years and years and I sick of it.

I can be in a room in my own house, surrounded by DH's family, and feel like an intruder and can feel that no one wants me there.

Show quote history

I did read the thread, and I know OP feels undermined by MIL bringing food, but MIL might think she is being helpful as most people who bring food usually think they are. Has anyone clearly told her NOT to bring food with her. If you knew your MIL was planning to bring pudding, would you not see that as an opportunity to not have to make one yourself. I just fail to understand how that can be framed in a negative way .
And even if MIL was trying to undermine, just accept the pudding as something positive and call her bluff.
I speak as someone who had the most difficult mother in law in the world, but I did what I could to keep the peace and not make my husband have to make choices between me and his mother. He made the ultimate choice in marrying me against her wishes and being written out of her will add a consequence but I still made an effort as he wanted to maintain a relationship with her. I love my husband and did not wish to make life any harder than it was. It was not his fault he had a difficult mother.

Idontgiveashitanymore · 10/04/2023 12:58

I understand you being upset. Tell your husband and family you’re not doing it again .

BeeBB · 10/04/2023 16:52

I think the problem here with OP’s MIL was OP was the one hosting and catering and she wasn’t expecting anyone to bring anything. She went to the trouble of making a desert then MIL appeared stage left on the actual day with no mention of bringing anything previously with a shop bought desert and everyone including her son/OP’s husband opted to have MIL’s shop bought desert so as to avoid upsetting MIL.

GoodChat · 10/04/2023 16:59

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/04/2023 12:19

Spent ages shopping, cleaning, preparing and cooking for Easter lunch yesterday for extended family. Spent ages making a really nice dessert.

What was DH doing while you were running around for everyone else? And yet, he's the one in a mood?

I bet he was mowing the lawn or something equally urgent

GoodChat · 10/04/2023 17:00

strawberryandcreams · 10/04/2023 11:13

I bought dessert to a friends this week. I feel awful now. Should I have not. We all ate both. The intent wasn't malicious 🙈

You ate both, so it's fine. OP had gone to a lot of effort then was told not to bother serving what she'd prepared.

Daftasyoulike · 10/04/2023 17:49

I'm sorry that you're getting a bit of flack about this OP. I don't think it's the fact that she brings food to contribute, but that she makes you feel that what you've provided isn't up to scratch compared to HER efforts. It certainly sounds, IF you've read the thread, that she IS trying to undermine you, and doesn't even like you that much. Therefore, in your shoes I would never cater for any of them again, and they wouldn't really even be welcome in my home, but as it's your DH's family, if he wants them to come for a meal, say 'fine, you're welcome to invite them, as long as you do all the catering, as I'm going out for the day!'

Ffsmakeitstop · 10/04/2023 18:05

Mn really is becoming a horrible place lately. It's incredibly bad mannered to bring food to a catered meal and tell the host not to bother serving what she'd put thought, money and effort into making.
If only pp could read what's actually written.

Original poster
DessertGate · 10/04/2023 21:18

I made Nigella's Lemon Meringue cake, which needed cream whipped, a 2 min job.

MIL bought a shop-bought flan case, put on some strawberries and some jelly which seeped into the flan case, making it difficult to scoop up and plate, and then squirted some canned cream on top.

Not dissing her dessert, but she definitely isn't bringing food because mine isn't good enough. In DH's words, "she is a terrible cook".

OP posts:
Testina · 10/04/2023 22:14

Well, you are dissing it 🤣
But it sounds “low end”. Though still tasty!
I don’t understand why you wouldn’t serve both.