Who is BU here, them, DH or me?

[DessertGate]

Spent ages shopping, cleaning, preparing and cooking for Easter lunch yesterday for extended family. Spent ages making a really nice dessert.

MIL rocks up with a dessert, not even a nice one, and then everyone says they will have hers as they don't want to offend her. She seems upset that I have made one.

I tell DH that I am not happy. I used to make Sunday roasts and she would turn up with veg and a chicken and insist on having it on the table alongside whatever else we had made.

I just feel it is undermining, and no one has the bottle to go against her. I am sick of it. There were other things that happened, and collectively they make me feel like I'm someone they have to put up with and I feel disrespected in my own home.

DH thinks I am overreacting and IABU.

He'd rather have a sulky mother than an upset wife.

I think this is a large part of your problem, OP. Your DH doesn't want a sulky mother, so he'll just upset you instead, and then blame it on you, not his mother. And it's interesting that so many people are saying 'but it's just a pudding'. Of course MIL knows this. She knows she can bring food because after all, who wouldn't want a bit of help? The manipulative bit is that everyone has to eat her food, or she'll get upset. And manipulative people are so hard to deal with, because they know how to tread thin lines like this, and how to get people on their side.

I agree with PP who have said stop hosting his family. You're not going to get what you want from them. It's not the case that the more you try, the more they'll like you. It's the reverse. The more you try, the more they know they've got you over a barrel. So don't host them. Host people who will appreciate you. Leave your DH to cook for them. Then his mother can bring whatever food she likes, and you can go out for the day.

You are being totally disingenuous now. There is a huge difference between turning up with a bottle of wine and turning up with an unexpected and possibly inappropriate dish.

No I would never turn up empty handed. But I would either bring something pre-arranged like a dessert or salad, or drink or flowers or something.

But turning up with say, a chicken, when you have no idea what the meal vobsusts of, is just a bit strange IMO

Probably because, like with lots of posts on this thread, it would have been met with "but she's doing a nice thing, isn't she?" / "you're overreacting" etc etc.

It's hard to fight this kind of thing head on without looking like the jerk.

@ShowUs but it wasn't a dessert that time, it was a whole roast dinner! Who brings a whole meal to someone's house when invited to dinner? It's rude, it's saying you don't like/trust their food and that you'd rather not be there.
My parents or in-laws would never bring food like that unless asked. It's polite to offer as a guest before hand, but not just turn up with a whole meal.

i would just stop hosting for these people. If you want to host, invite people you actually like round where your efforts will be appreciated. It sounds like you’ve done it enough times now to know what the out come will be.
my example would be, when we stay over at the PIL, there is always some kind of incident. We don’t stay there anymore and book a hotel instead. They are slightly put out, but it’s better all around.

If someone invited you to a BBQ or something would you literally turn up empty handed?

Of course not. And the vast majority of posters on here wouldn't either. But we would bring wine, gin, chocolates, flowers, a nice cheese maybe.

We wouldn't bring a whole pudding unless we had previously discussed it with the host.

And we certainly wouldn't bring a whole fucking chicken without being asked.

I hosted yesterday. DDS boyfriend came with a beautiful dessert his mum made. I was delighted. Put three desserts out, two I made and his one. People had whatever they wanted and plenty left for today.
However I didn't do everything myself I had plenty of help from DH, my mum and DC. You sound exhausted and underappreciated. Your in-laws thread on eggshells around mil to keep the peace. It's rude and hurtful that your in-laws don't include you. Try and sit and relax today. Don't offer to host for a long time. Spend that time doing something for yourself. If you are invited to in-laws bring flowers or wine neither of which take effort

How am I being disingenuous?

How does an extra dessert ruin an entire meal?
Please explain as it obviously doesn’t.

You say you wouldn’t turn up empty handed yet think MIL is awful for bringing something that has absolutely no impact on the meal.

Why would a dessert ruin the entire meal but a bottle of wine wouldn’t?

Surely OP got the drinks too and would have been just as upset if MIL bought wine and they all drank hers instead of OPs.

A guest who genuinely wants to help calls or messages in advance and says ‘what can I bring to help?’ And then takes notice of what the host says.

Next time, cook nothing.

Wait for her to arrive with her food and then portion it out.

If there isn't enough, that's her fault.

She's a controlling horror - and your DH is enabling her. (So is the rest of the family, but HE is the one who should have your back)

But if you get so offended by it then why keep inviting her around, knowing that she is guaranteed to do this?

Or if her culture is to bring a dish then tell her what she can bring.

Or get your DH to do the cooking for his own mum.

Why keep repeating the same thing and then getting upset about it.

Let your DH plan, cook and clean. They can all do a bring and share then MIL’s chicken can be the star.

@ShowUs would turn up with a roast dinner when the host had already cooked a meal? If you turn up with a dessert would you say yours had to be eaten and the host shouldn’t provide hers?

When friends host parties it’s usually a bring a plate affair. We all discuss what we are going to bring so don’t have 4 of the same dishes and means we have a good variety of food. These are usually very informal occasions. If it was a more formal occasion I would check whether we needed to bring anything food related

@ShowUs but it does impact the meal as op’s desert actually wasn’t eaten. Because people were already full from MIL’s dessert. Also it’s a waste to throw food out.

Seems where you went wrong was not having your dessert assembled ready and on the table/side. Then hers could've simply been plonked down next to it leaving people to choose or have a bit of both.

I think this is part of the issue. But I think they were all rude not to ask for a taste of both. At the very least I’d expect my DH to acknowledge and appreciate my effort by eating both!

Also, what kind of family are they that don’t want double dessert? Everyone round ours always does!

@ShowUs Bringing a bottle of wine is different because it can be drunk, taken back home or put away for another day without impacting what the host has organised. A whole extra course means wasted food, and the implication that her food isn't good enough.

That’s because it wasn’t put together.
If it was then they probably would have had a bit of both.

And it’s not a waste because you wouldn’t throw it out because you’d put it in the fridge and have it on a different day or portion it out and send them home with it.
They’re still eating your food.

You can never have too many desserts or too much food or drink as it can be saved for another day or given away.

I don’t see how turning up with a contribution is rude.

You say you wouldn’t turn up empty handed yet think MIL is awful for bringing something that has absolutely no impact on the meal.

Except that it did have an impact on the meal, as it did when she brought an entire extra chicken. Everyone had to eat her dessert to avoid offending her. It was apparently fine not to eat the OP's dessert, because if she gets offended, none of them give a shit.

@ShowUs if you are going to be so rude as to bring food without checking with the host what they would like you to bring, at least have the decency to bring homemade chocolates or biscuits. Or even a simple meal to stick in the fridge so that they don't have to cook the next day.

I completely agree.

I can’t figure out what dessert needs to be assembled but if there was only MIL’s dessert on the table they may have felt rude asking for some of OPs if it wasn’t on the table.

I wouldn’t personally ask someone if I can have the dessert that’s in the fridge rather than the one on the table.

I’d have put both on the table and then people can choose which one or both.

She bought a desert, I would have graciously accepted it and still put mine out.

as others have suggested give her a job to do, something to bring? I wouldn’t turn up empty handed to a meal.

You need to tell her what to make as you know that she will always bring something.

No need for this to be a drama. It would piss me off if we'd made the same dish.

My MIL used to make some god awful desserts that my DH and his DBs loved. They were honestly rank, disgusting, but the dishes obviously just reminded them of their childhood - probably the same for your extended family

I get it, and I would be upset if I’ve had a marriage-time* of putting up with that sort of MIL petty up-staging shit and everyone constantly acquiescing to her.
It signals that you are just the drudge who plans, shops, and prepares but everyone must eat and praise MIL’s offering while not thanking appreciating your hosting efforts at all.

Don’t complain to your DH as he’s blind to it, just quietly step back from organising these IL shindigs.

*guess what I have!

Is it all DH's family?
It sounds very unpleasant, kind of showing off and saying I can do it better than you.

Have you tried to talk to her about it as she seems to have done it before?