To think DPs ex is ridiculous?

[DrMaxwell]

So, DP and his ex have shared care of their 3 DC, a week at a time. During termtime they swap on a Friday with one parent dropping at school and the other collecting. The arrangement is to swap back around 3ish during holidays.

Last week the DC said that their mum had gone to her home country to visit her parents as they are unwell. Might have been helpful to know in case of emergency but otherwise not our business.

She emailed telling DP to drop the kids at a childminder at 3pm. He replied asking if she could confirm when she was returning to the country and he was happy to drop them home when she got back, but didn't feel comfortable leaving them with a childminder with no idea how long they'd be there. She wouldn't give any information and insisted he drop them off at 3pm. He said no and that he'd drop them back to her. 3pm came and she said she'd called the police saying he was refusing to return the children against a court order. We didn't hear any more until 8pm when she messaged saying she was home and wanted the kids back.

I know this is a really petty issue but it's been irritating me all weekend.

Why didn't he drop them as she asked. It's not up to him what she does on her time?

Also another one thinking your DP is being unreasonable.

They have an agreement and ex made arrangements for the children to be looked after in her absence? Not sure why your DP thought he had to/ could only drop the kids off to their mum?

What she does on her time is up to her. She was asking him to leave them with childminder so a registered childcare provider not just a random he didn’t know.
It’s not reasonable to only insist a parent has them during their contact - parents are allowed to use childcare and I assume sometimes you are with them when he’s not. If order is return at 3 then drop at childminder assuming childminder is local is reasonable.

When the kids are her responsibility and it's on her time then it's up to her to source reputable childcare when she needs it. Your dp didn't need to know when she'd be home the child minder she'd arranged needed to know. I think your dp overstepped because he had no reason to think the children were unsafe etc.

Yes your DP was being unreasonable, he doesn’t get to decide what happens with the kids on his ex’s time, although, I don’t the police would have really done anything

The reason he didn't want to hand them over to a childminder is that she wouldn't confirm when she was back in the country. If she'd said she'd be back that day he would happily have dropped them off.

It doesn't matter. Her time, her arrangements. Just like she couldn't kick off if dad got a babysitter and went out for the evening, or left the DC with his parents while you went away for the weekend.

If your dp doesn't wind his neck in and keeps behaving in this inappropriate controlling manner he may well lose his 50/50 custody. Also might want to point out that very soon coersive control against former partners that you don't live with will be a criminal offence (changes to the law are going through now)

Your DP should have done as he was asked.

She’s not with him anymore, it seems quite controlling that he refuses to leave the kids with the childminder because she won’t tell him whereabout she is. It’s none of his business.

This smacks of him needing to know her movements. A helpful, friendly ex would say I’m sorry your parent isn’t well. If you like I can keep them a bit longer until you’re back to save you pay for childcare.

That's not a reason. They are her children as well, it was her time, so she decides who would pick them up from the childminder if she wasn't back. Your partner was completely in the wrong and should apologise for his behaviour.

I think you’re getting a bit of a hard time OP. Whilst generally I’d agree it’s none of your business what she does in her time, if she was going to be gone another few days or a week. I think I’d want to know before dropping them off home.

But it's not his business.

Maybe she'd arranged for a friend or family member to collect them - it doesn't matter. She asked him to drop them at pre-arranged childcare and he decided to overrule her for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

"Might have been helpful to know in case of emergency but otherwise not our business."

This is also not your dps business. Obviously she's sorted childcare so why would this concern your dp? If I were you I'd be a bit concerned he was making things difficult for the ex on purpose. Her reaction of threatening police makes me think he's made life difficult for her before.

But it's none of his business and would not change the arrangement. So why does he need to know?

They weren't being dropped home - they were being taken to a childminder that their mum had pre-arranged in advance.

Presumably mum was back in time to collect, or she'd organised friends/family to help her out for a few hours.

Regardless, it's not his place to say "no".

Saying 'are you sure, I don't mind you don't need to pay for childcare' fine.

Mum saying 'no it's ok drop them off and I will collect them from the childminder when I'm back' also fine.

All he had to do was drop them off to the childminder and maybe give his phone number incase of any problems (mum not showing up when planned/ childminder unable to get hold of mum)

But he absolutely did not need to know when she was picking up from the childminder. That's none of his business.

He should of dropped them off like she asked, it was her time with them so she can make the arrangements.
I don’t think she should of called the police though.

She doesn’t need to tell her ex boyfriend where she was. She’d made appropriate plans for childcare.

Tbh I disagree that your partner was unreasonable. I guess technically yes she can arrange whatever childcare she likes on her time but if I already had my children with me and I knew their dad wasn't around it would seem stupid to go and drop them off with a childminder when they didn't need to. No doubt they'd have preferred to be with their dad until their mum got home anyway so why force them to a childminder just to what? Make a point? Doesn't seem in the children's best interests really to me.

It's not like he was saying she couldn't have them back just that he'd keep them until she got home which is surely what the children would have preferred over some random childminder anyway? Seems stupid when dad is around and able to look after them for a few extra hours.

I just think your DP actions creates animosity when there doesn't need to be. Obviously the ex threatening to call police (who won't do anything) doesn't help either but I imagine she felt backed in a corner and wanted her kids to be there as soon as she gets home. Plus the faff of cancelling childcare.
She could have said when she was coming back but she likely felt controlled plus possibly didn't know exactly - after all she didn't go on a jolly, she went to visit her sick parents.

As long as the kids are safe you should stick to the order. You don't want it to her hostile and tit for tat ie one day something similar may happen to you where your DP can't be around for an enforced period of time and kids being left with you or babysitter etc.

But then I hate all the 'my time, his time and nothing in-between' shit.

I can’t understand the responses here. I always tell my children when I leave them with a non-primary caregiver what the plan is and who and when they will be collected. I would not feel comfortable leaving them if I didn’t know the plan and therefore they didn’t know the plan. The Ex’s behaviour is far from ideal. It would obviously be better if she told you when she was out of the country and also simple things like when she was collecting her children. I don’t know the reason she withholds what would normally be entirely reasonable information to disclose but obviously there is a backstory.